I do not own anything, S.E Hinton owns The Outsiders.
Becoming Ponyboy Curtis
The weather was so perfect today. It was sunny and bright, perfectly warm. It wasn't the normal, scorching heat that normally occurred in June. Little kids were playing at the park, flying kites and playing on the swings and on the monkey bars. Young lovers walking the streets, holding hands, in love and happy. It was the kind of weather that just made the world seem perfect. That was just why it was such a slap to the face.
I bitterly sat in my wheelchair waiting for my brothers to pull the car around. I wanted a cigarette. I wanted Jack Daniel's. I wanted that pot that I bought from that man on the corner back in New York. I wanted anything to take this pain anyway.
Alex was gone. My last reason for staying was gone. I could have stayed with her, and Johnny, and Dallas, and my parents, and my beautiful children that I'll never meet. I hated myself. Alex knew how much I loved her and how much I wanted to stay, but she convinced me to stay.
Why? Why would you do this to me baby? I wanted you! I wanted our kids! Why the hell would you want me to stay?
"Mr. Curtis? Ponyboy? Your brother is here." One of the nurses peeked her head in the door. It was the nurse that helped me dress out of my hospital gown and into my regular street cloths. I was so lost in thought and dulled mentally from the medication they gave me, that I didn't notice her open the door.
"What? Oh, thanks." I say trying to focus. The pain pills that they gave me were very disordering. They said it was a mix of a sedative and a muscle relaxer. I can never remember what it was called, but whatever it was, it made me sleepy.
"It's good to see you pull through. When you first came in here, we didn't know if you were going to make it." She says as she checks my vitals for the last time.
I didn't know what to say. 'Thanks?' 'People have said that before?'
Thankfully, Soda came in, allowing me not to answer.
"Hey, bud, you ready to bust out of this place?" he says coming over and patting me on the shoulder gently, minding my soreness.
"Yeah, thanks Soda, for picking me up." I say softly.
I know it's weird to be thanking Soda for something that he would do anytime of the day, but, I haven't been here in two years. It just seems weird to me that after all this time, after all the hell I put him and Darry through, that he would even care to give me the time of day.
"No problem kid. I know that you can't wait to have some of my famous Death by Chocolate Cake when we get back to the house." He says laughing.
"Now, remember, no horseplay, nothing but soft foods that are easy to pass, make sure to rub the disinfectant cream on your stiches, and make sure to take your pills every four hours, or if you feel the need to take them." The nurse reminds me as she takes the stoppers off of the wheelchair.
"We'll take good care of him, ma'am." Soda says coming behind me and taking the wheelchair from the nurse. I hated feeling depended on others. Especially those who I really care about. They don't need a burden like me. Maybe that's why Alex didn't want me to stay with her, because I was too much of a burden to her with my rages and my drinking and my smoking.
Soda wheeled me out to the miserable beautiful day. I squinted at the sunlight, not use to it. I waited for a few seconds to get use to the light. The parking lot was filled with cars that reflected with the light. It felt so good out. It was torture.
I got in the car with the help of Soda. Darry was working to pay for the bills. Soda was just taking today off today just to pick me up and to help me around the house. I leaned against the window, my elbow on the glass. I looked out the window and saw a young couple of about my age walking down the street, holding hands and laughing. I sighed and shook the feeling of regret off, if only for a little while.
It was about a twenty minute drive home. Sodapop knew I didn't want to talk, so we rode in silence. We passed the high school, no longer filled with kids since the school got out about a week ago. A girl with dark hair was walking away from us. I did a double take, thinking the girl looked was someone else. I realized she wasn't when I saw her face. It wasn't as pretty as hers was.
We pulled up to the house, the weather as perfect as ever. It was teasing me with its glory.
Alex should be here.
"Beautiful day." Soda says after he gets me out of the car.
"Whatever."
XxXxXx
"I don't know what your goddamn problem is! But you're going to have to cut it out!" Darry yelled at me as I took a swig out of my bottle.
"Fuck off Darry! You want me gone! Just say the word!" I scream right back. When I was a kid, I wouldn't have dared even raised my voice to him, let alone scream.
"Fine GET THE HELL OUT! I tried to help you! I want to help you! But I can't if you won't help yourself! GET OUT!"
I smash the bottle against the kitchen floor, it shattering into a hundred pieces. Soda was in the living room, sitting on the couch. He looked at me sadly.
"Ponyboy…."
"Save it Soda, I'm leaving."
XxXxXx
"Ponyboy! PONY! Wake up man!" Two-Bit was shaking me.
I felt sick. My head was swimming and my stomach was on fire. Two-Bit came over to where I was laying. I got up to see him, laughing weakly.
"Hey, Two-Shit! What's happenin'?" I called to him. He rushed over to me and pushed me up against the wall in his hallway.
"What the hell did you do to yourself! I was gone for twenty minutes!" he shouted. "You're high! What did you take?"
I'm going to be sick. I'm going to be sick.
I unloaded my stomach all over the floor. Two-Bit jumped back just in time. I felt myself sway and I fell. Two-Bit came over to me and picked me up out of my own vomit.
"What the fuck were you doing while I was gone? What did you take?" he panicked.
I couldn't even answer him. I was to dizzy and confused. I knew that I must have overdosed on the pills that I got from the Brimley Boys. When I was high, I could see her, I could see all of them. I could see Dad and Mom holding on to each other, I could see Johnny and Dallas tossing the football around at the lot, I could see Alex, Johnny Darrell, and Carla playing with each other. And I could be with them.
I started shaking violently, my teeth shattering. I couldn't see Two-Bit clearly. He dragged me to the couch and ran off. I thought I heard him slamming cabinets and drawers. Then he rushed back to me with a large bowl and a bottle of something. He sat me up and I groaned. Everything hurt.
"You gotta stay awake buddy, or Darry'll kill me." He says, trying to be funny.
He forces my mouth open, and makes me drink whatever that stuff was. It tasted nasty. Then, before I knew what was happening, I threw up everything that I had eaten in the past month. I couldn't stop. It didn't stop for a few minutes. When it finally did I was miserable.
"Do you remember how many you took?" Two-Bit asks quietly.
"About five, I think." I whisper.
"That's how many I counted. Let's get you to bed Pony; we'll take about this later." He says getting me to my feet and into Karen's old bedroom. Two-Bit's sister moved out after she got knocked up with a guy from Sheppard's gang.
He pulled a blanket over me and took off my shoes.
"I'm sorry Two-Bit." I say drifting off.
XxXxXx
"Ticket please."
The lady hands me her and her kid's tickets and I rip the bottom off.
"On your left, forth one down. Enjoy the film" I say.
"Thank you." She says.
I yawn and look at the clock. 1:35, just five minutes till I get lunch. Two-Bit was going to pick me up after my shift and then we'll go down to the strip. My paycheck has helped Ms. Matthews a lot, since I moved in. That made me feel better living there. Darry and I still haven't talked. It's been about a year since he threw me out. I tried to go back to school, but I couldn't get focused or motivated about any of it. So I dropped out. Soda is still pissed at me for that. I still drink, but no more drugs. Two-Bit finally got a job; he works at the bar with his Ma. We all make pretty decent money. Enough to pay the bills and gas. I still cried at night, for Alex and my kids, but not as much anymore.
"Ponyboy?" I look up and see Darry standing in front of me, smiling.
"Hey Darry, what're you doing here?" I ask him.
"I just thought that it's time that me and you talked." He said putting a hand on my shoulder. I shrug it off. He looked hurt.
"Look, Ponyboy….."
"Save it Darry. You made it pretty clear to me that night what you wanted to talk about. I'm fine. I got things settled." I say harshly.
"You're fine? Pony, that's bull and we both know it! If you were fine, you wouldn't have dropped out. If you were fine you wouldn't be drinking all the time…"
"Shut it Darry, I'm taking care of myself. Now get out of here!" I whisper fiercely.
"Ponyboy, me and Soda just want to help…"
"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!" I shout. Everyone looks at me and glares. I mouth 'Sorry' and look back at Darry.
"Just get out." I grimace.
"I love you kiddo." He says softly.
A man and his wife by the looks of it come up to me.
"Ticket please."
XxXxXx
I sat at the kitchen table, staring down my notebook. I needed something to do. I drew everything in the house, Two-Bit, Aunt Beth (Ms. Matthews insisted that I call her that because I've lived with her for nearly two years), even Two-Bit's nasty evil cat that he calls Dirty Duke, or Duke for short. I call it Demon. The cat hates me. The feeling's mutual. Duke likes to wake me by pooping on my pillow, biting my toes, or scratching my arms.
I thought about what else to draw. I thought I should draw Soda or Darry, or even Johnny or Dallas. I thought about drawing my parents, but then thought better of it since I can't really remember what they look like anymore. It's not like I can't remember everything, just the finer details. Like the shape of their face, how tall they were, how strong Dad looked, how thick Mom's hair was. Stuff like that.
I sighed deeply and rubbed my temples, stupid headache. I got up and went to the bathroom to get the aspirin. There's none there. I cruse softly and go to my bedroom. Two-Bit should be here soon. He and Aunt Beth are supposed to get off at seven. I sit on my bed and lay down. My head was starting to pound. The pressure was building in the back of my skull and my eyes.
I must have fallen asleep, because Aunt Beth was gently shaking me awake.
"Ponyboy? Sweetie? Supper's ready. If you're hungry, come to the table." She says softly.
I yawn and nod.
"Do you have another headache, sugar?" Aunt Beth asks.
"Yeah, not as bad as it used to be though." I say.
Aunt Beth rubbed my temples and ran her fingers through my hair. Ms. Matthews become like a mother to me since I moved in with her and Two-Bit. She understood me, and cared for me. She could handle me coming home drunk, since Two-Bit did it so often. She was one of the best cooks in the neighborhood. Her meatballs were famous. But don't think that Ms. Matthews is all meat and no balls. I've heard her say things that would make Dally blush. She's made some of the grown men at the bar break down in tears with her words. She and Mom use to be good friends. I remember them sitting on the porch drinking ice tea and laughing together.
I let her work her magic until the headache is completely gone.
"Better?" she asks.
"Yeah, thanks."
Aunt Beth smiles and leaves the room. I go into the kitchen with her to eat dinner with her and Two-Bit. She made us enchiladas with rice, with Pepsis to drink. I went to bed early to let Two-Bit and his mom hang out a bit.
I put my notebook back on the closet shelf when I knocked something down. It was the box that I grabbed when I left. I smile sadly and sit on my bed with it. I gently open the lid and breathe in the scent that was still imprinted in there. Lillis, sweet smelling perfume, and the faintest hint of Jack Daniels. The smell of tobacco, beer and cologne was there too. Stale bread, smog, and sex filled my nostrils last, but with a bang.
Alex, Blade, Isaac, New York
I could feel my heard beat a little faster as I lifted the items gently out. Pictures of Alex, the gang, just me and Alex, pictures of Alex that were not, um, school appropriate. A shirt of Alex's. A few sheets of paper, filled with Alex's scribble. Her cross necklace, starting to get rusty. I lifted it up gently and twirl it in my fingers. I crossed myself and kissed the little crucifix on it. I laid it on the bed and looked at the pictures of me and Alex. We looked happy. I had my arm around her, and was kissing her forehead. She was turned to me, holding my arm softly. She had her eyes closed, and was breathing in. It was my favorite picture of us.
I looked at the notes that Alex had written. One of them was kinda long. Alex always liked things to be short, quick, to get on with the rest of life. I sat back on the bed, holding the note, and playing with the crucifix necklace with my fingers. It was a note that Alex wrote me the night after she denied being pregnant. Just a day before getting shot.
Ponyboy,
I don't know what to say, other than, I'm sorry. We should never have been so stupid, careless. I'm pregnant.
I wouldn't blame you if you left me. I would leave me too, after I lied to you. Just know that I love you. Tomorrow's your birthday. I can't believe that you've been here for two years. It feels like a lifetime. It was the best lifetime that anyone could have ever wanted. Even Blade says that it's been so much better since you came here.
I swear baby, you changed me, for the better. I was lost before you came. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. After Mom and Daddy, I felt alone. But then you came along, making me feel whole again. Like a human being again, but better.
If I was to have I kid with anyone, I'm glad it was you.
As perfect as you are, to me at least, I wish that you would call your brothers. Talk to them. I know that you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't. Also, you need to let go, of your friends and your parents. I know how hard it is, but you'll be amazed when you do. Do whatever it takes. I know how much you like to draw and write. Do that! Just try to move on, you'll feel so much better when you do.
I know that you have every right to be angry with me, just know how much I love you.
Your Love,
Alex.
I pressed the letter close to me. I grimaced when I felt tears on my face. It was like she was still here, but not in a way that hurt anymore. In a letting go, happy way. I smiled and grabbed my notebook. If Alex wanted me to let go, I'll do it. If she wanted me to write, well damnit I'll write!
I grabbed my pen and breathed deeply. It took me awhile, but I finally settled on this.
'I looked at my brother Sodapop for the last time, and crawled out the window, running from the state, and running from the demons that haunted me here in Tulsa'
Thank all of you for reviewing Becoming Dallas Winston. I love you all. And thank you sunkissedchris for giving this idea, even if it took me forever to write it. Love you all!