Author's Note: My first Merlin fic and most likely my last because I would be too embarrassed to ever come back to this fandom again. I'm sorry Merlin fandom.
Warning: The dumbest thing you would ever read
"Arthur would you stop it?" Merlin screamed.
"Stop what Merlin? Being happy?" Arthur shot back
"Can't you see that you've been enchanted?" Merlin scoffed.
Keebler elves whistled in the background. "Here you go sire, a fresh plate of cookies just for you," said a timid little elf.
Arthur smiled and grabbed three cookies at once, stuffing them in his mouth without a second thought. "I hab no idea whab you're talkin abouf Mernin," he said between bites.
Merlin was getting frustrated. "Arthur, I didn't want to do this but… if you continue, you'll get… fat."
Arthur stopped mid chew. His eyes opened wide and threatened to fall out of their sockets. "Low blow Merlin, low blow. Guards!"
"Arthur, I'm trying to protect you," Merlin screamed.
"Protect me? I'd say you were… jealous."
"Jealous? Arthur that's ridiculous," Merlin started. The guards barged into Arthur's room.
"Take him away," Arthur demanded.
"Arthur, listen to me. Arthur!" he screamed as the guards dragged him away.
"C is for cookie, that's good enough me," Arthur sang as the Keebler elves danced and laughed around his room.
The next day Arthur was scheduled for training with the knights of Camelot.
"I hope you enjoyed your night in the cellar, Merlin." Arthur said, taking a bite of his fudge cookie.
"I learned my lesson sire," he answered.
"Good, get my things. I'll be waiting in the courtyard."
"Yes, sire," Merlin answered picking up Arthur's sword. "Prat," he whispered under his breath.
In the courtyard Arthur was busy talking his knights over their training for the day.
"Does Arthur look a little pudgy to you around his middle?" Gwen asked Merlin
"Don't let him hear you saying that," Merlin answered and stalked off after Arthur.
"Here you go, my lord," Merlin said, handing Arthur his sword.
"Merlin, you idiot weren't you listening to a word I said? We won't need swords for training today." Arthur scowled.
"No?"
"No Merlin!" Arthur turned to Sir Leon, "Can you please show Merlin what we would be doing in training today?"
Sir Leon marched toward Arthur and Merlin, and stopped directly in front of the other knights.
"Glasses up!" he shouted and each knight raised a glass of some white liquid.
"What's that?" Merlin asked. Arthur shushed him.
"Milk, Merlin. I thought that was obvious," Arthur answered.
"Oh no…"Merlin said closing his eyes. He couldn't watch this.
"Hold firm… hold… hold…" Sir Leon continued. Merlin looked at the guards. They were all concentrating on the task at hand. This is ridiculous, Merlin thought.
"Stay strong men," Arthur encouraged.
"Dunk!" Sir Leon ordered and each knight dunked arrays of chocolate chip, and vanilla cookies into the milk. They all started cheering and whooping as they ate their cookies. "We did it," they said high fiving each other.
Arthur clapped and looked absolutely pleased, "Good job men! Except for you Owain. Don't think I didn't see that double dunk." The other knight's looked at an Owain whose face had turned red, shaking their heads. "How could he?" Sir Leon said absolutely disgusted.
"Gaius we have to find a way to stop this." Merlin said to Gaius' back while he flipped through his spell book. "The elves have taken over the knights. They are planning something against Camelot. I know it. We have to stop it."
"Merlin, I have met many elves in my time. They are completely harmless," Gaius answered.
"Harmless? Have you seen what the knights consider training?"
"I wouldn't worry about it." Gaius answered.
"Wouldn't worry…" Merlin started, finally looking away from his book. Gaius' back was still turned to him. "Gaius what are you doing?" He moved across the room to where Gauis was sitting. "Gaius?" he said as he put his hand on his shoulder.
Merlin sighed, "Not you too, Gaius." Gaius sat nibbling on a cookie.
"I couldn't help it Merlin. It just looked so good."
"I'll fix this Gaius, I will." Merlin ran back to his book, his eyes turned colour as he flipped through the book without even touching it till he found the spell he needed.
"I found it Gaius," Merlin smiled. "Oh no Gaius…" Gaius was dunking his cookie into a cup of milk.
"It tastes a whole lot better with a glass of milk Merlin. It really does."
Merlin ran into Arthur's chambers. He was happy to see Arthur wasn't there. The Keebler elves were still busy baking cookies though.
"How can I help you?" asked Earnest J. "Chips Deluxe? Town House Crackers? Wheatables?"
Merlin looked at all the cookies. His mouth started watering. He licked his lips. "No!" he screamed. "I'll give you one last chance to leave Camelot and never return."
The Keebler elves looked at each other and burst into laughter. "Why would we leave? We went from living in a tree to living in a castle. We're moving on up. Besides, who's gonna make us leave?" Earnest J threw back at him.
"Me," Merlin said sternly and raised his right hand, his eyes glowed as he whispered the magic words.
Nothing happened.
The Keebler elves burst into laughter again. It was the most annoying sound Merlin had ever heard. It rang in his ears. Merlin raised his hands and said the magic words again.
Still nothing happened.
"Is it our turn now?"asked Fryer Tuck.
"Munch-ems! Munch-ems! Munch-ems!" the elves chanted as they threw cookies at Merlin
"Ow!"
Buckets cackled and threw a tiny elf handful of fudge that hit Merlin on the cheek.
"Stop that!" Merlin screamed.
"Now you're all sticky," came Zack's little elf voice.
Merlin was getting frustrated. He raised his hand one last time, his eyes changed color as he shouted, "Rets Nom Iek Ooc Nol Laci."
The earth seemed to tremble. There was a gust of wind that blew the windows open. Everything flew off the tables, the beds. The closet doors flew open. Everything flew around until it settled in the centre of the room. The elves' faces dropped.
"Oh no," whispered Ma Keebler.
"Nooooo!" the elves screamed.
The wind stopped all the elves were huddled in a corner scared. "We'll leave! We promised!"
Merlin smiled. He was too overjoyed to notice the door behind him had opened and someone had walked in.
"Too late!" Merlin laughed. In the middle of the room stood a blue furry creature.
"COOKIES!" It screamed. "Cookie Monster love cookies!"
"Nooo," the Keebler elves screamed! As cookie monster ran around the room. Turning over everything 'til he found the elves' cookies. "Stop!"
"Merlin!" Arthur screamed from behind him.
"Arthur?" Merlin turned pale… (well paler than he already is.)
It took less than a minute for Cookie Monster to find all the cookies. "Cookie want more cookies!" He screamed.
"We can't make them that fast!" Earnest J answered timidly.
"WHAT? ME WANT COOKIES!" the blue monster stomped his feet. "What you expect cookie monster to eat? Carrots? ME WANT COOKIES!"
The elves looked at Merlin. "We'll leave!" Earnest pleaded. "We'll take our magic cookies elsewhere. Please just let him stop."
Merlin looked between Arthur and the elves.
"Magic cookies?" Arthur spoke up.
"I told you," Merlin said.
"Get rid of them," Arthur demanded Merlin.
Merlin hesitated.
"Do it now!" The spell was obviously broken now that all the cookies were gone.
"Eik Ook Meth Tea," Merlin whispered and Cookie ran after the elves. He grabbed the screaming elves up and just as he was about to swallow them the monster and the elves disappeared.
"I can't believe this," Arthur said sitting on his bed defeated.
"I know magic cookies? Who would have guessed," Merlin answered, sitting next to him.
"No not that," he scowled, "you had magic all this time?"
Merlin froze. He knew this day would come "Arthur… I…" he started.
"You had magic and you didn't make me cookies once!"
"Ugh!" Merlin said frustrated. He got up to leave. "I'm not making you cookies."
"Rat stew? I get rat stew from someone who could have been making me sweets."
"I was looking out for your health. I don't want the future king of Camelot getting fat."
"Fat? You take that back!" Arthur swiped at Merlin but he ducked out of the way. Merlin laughed.
"And look what you did to my room!" Arthur almost screamed looking around his room. "You are going to clean this, aren't you?" Arthur turned just in time to see Merlin leaving the room, closing the door behind him.
Arthur balled his fist, "Merlin! You idiot!" he screamed and stomped after him.