Most people go on dates. They get to know each other first. Then they fall in love, or reaffirm that fact — I noticed myself falling and I didn't know why but now I know it's you, it's been you all along — when it gets less scary to say in words.
But Aubrey and Beca never did that. They just started coexisting in the same space.
It was a small space at first; the lone couch in Aubrey's living room, during a night of Bella bonding. They both shared the same sour look and so, were banished from the fun people's land (i.e. the floor). They pouted to show their disdain over being forced to sit next to each other for one hour and forty five minutes, but Aubrey was actually quite pleased to have the most comfortable spot in the living room.
She didn't know how Beca felt. She kept her eyes on the screen the whole time.
(Except that one time her elbow grazed Beca's arm and it was like her body emitted electricity because Beca jolted away from her touch, almost falling right onto Stacie.)
.
The second time, it was in the backseat of Aubrey's car. No, it's not what you think. They were spying on the Trebles.
"I don't know why we're doing this," Beca said.
"I told you," Aubrey told her for the millionth time. "Anyone who has watched a cop show, meaning everyone, knows that the people who spy on them will be in the front seat of the car instead of the back."
"Okay, that's stupid," Beca reiterated her opinion, which Aubrey ignored. "But I didn't mean that. I meant, why are we stalking the Trebles? It makes sense if we're going to change our set based on what they're doing, but we're not, are we?"
"We're not," Aubrey answered simply and went back to looking into her binoculars.
But the Trebles weren't doing anything. They were all crammed into their stupid hot tub, not a care in the world like they've already won nationals.
After five minutes of staring at a literal pool of germs, she relented. She put down the binoculars and leaned back against the seat. "My dad always says you must know your enemy."
She ignored the eye-rolling from Beca.
"And I agree," Aubrey continued. "You have to know the enemy in order to know what advantages they have over you."
"So why don't you see—"
"I mean in terms of discipline and training, but they're a bunch of lazy idiots. I admit they have the charm but people don't just fall into step when the music starts. That needs practise no matter how talented you are. Instead, they sit around all day and sing random songs that I bet are not even in their set list."
Aubrey didn't pause. She didn't want to allow enough room for Beca to interject. The downside was, she felt slightly out of breath after spouting all of that and needed a moment to recover the air that her lungs had lost.
She had expected Beca to jump at the opportunity and tell her again how wrong she was. But Beca was silent. As a matter of fact, Beca didn't offer yet another unasked opinion. This time, it was requested from her.
By Aubrey. "Just say it." And when Beca's eyebrows furrowed, Aubrey sighed, "You clearly have something to say. Just, say it, will you?"
Of all the things she expected Beca to say, she didn't expect,
"You're too tense."
Okay, maybe she expected that a little. Everyone who knew her had said it at one time or another. But she was certain that Beca had other things in her mind.
"Music is about losing yourself in the song, right?" Beca asked. "You can't do that if you have a billion things in your mind. You need to…"
She turned, and lifted her arms to reach for Aubrey's shoulder but when she realized what she was about to do, she pulled them back.
She looked slightly flustered but she went on, "Close your eyes."
Aubrey was obviously reluctant.
But Beca said, "Trust me."
And for some reason, she did.
"Think of your favourite song, the lyrics, and each note if you remember them."
Aubrey tried but all she heard was Beca's voice, softer than she'd ever heard it, without the usual biting edges.
"Can you hear it?" Beca asked.
Aubrey nodded, humming her affirmation quietly even though all she heard was Beca's voice shaking ever so slightly.
"Can you feel your pulse matching the rhythm?"
Aubrey nodded again even though it occurred to her how ridiculous that was. If her pulse did match the rhythm of anything that was not the beating of her heart, then Beca should really take her to a hospital. But she nodded, and nodded for each question that came after, because she didn't want to stop hearing Beca's voice.
So when silence rudely interrupted, she immediately opened her eyes to find Beca's voice again, but she found Beca's concerned eyes instead.
She shook her head as if the act could shake off the panic she felt.
"It's not working," she mumbled.
Beca shrugged. "My therapist never said it's a foolproof plan."
..
The fifth time was at the semifinals, after they lost because of Beca. The stress had been pushing and pulling on Aubrey's stomach all night. So she sneaked away to the restroom when Chloe wasn't looking (because let's face it, no one cares about her except Chloe).
She was in such a rush to not ruin her uniform that she forgot to lock the door. It was too late when she heard the door creaking open.
"Aubrey?"
That voice again, the same one from that other night; gentle with a slight tremble.
"Go away," she said, her voice rough from all the puking. She focused on the disgusting chunks in her vomit and quizzed herself on what they were from. She can't get lost in that voice again.
But it's Beca. Beca never listens to what Aubrey says.
When Aubrey told her to be on time for rehearsals, she turned up five minutes late the next day with a sloppy apology.
When Aubrey told her to perform exactly as they rehearsed, she butchered their chance at winning with a song that Aubrey had never even heard of.
When Aubrey told her to go away, she stayed and rubbed Aubrey's back while whispering softly that it's going to be okay.
…
The sixth time, and the seventh time, and the eighth time, and the ninth time up to the twenty third time all happened in the same place; the physics library.
The physics building was a bit of a maze. Aubrey once heard that a student got lost in it and was only found three days later outside the astronomy lab.
But that was the very reason that its library was the best place to study. Most people didn't know where it was. So there was no incessant gum chewing, or pencil tapping, or sighing. Everyone got their own table, and there was never a queue to use the printer.
That also meant it was a safe haven for people like Beca who disliked other people.
It was a good thing that talking isn't allowed in libraries. Otherwise, Aubrey and Beca would have to acknowledge each other's presence.
They spent hours in that library, at separate tables, doing different things while ignoring one another.
The funny thing was, Beca would always take the table two tables away from where Aubrey sat and vice versa. Always two. It was like they were bound by some law of gravity.
And like gravity, there was a huge question mark next to the why, for which Aubrey wasn't ready to answer just yet.
.
Aubrey stopped counting after Beca apologized, twice. Once during that mess of a rehearsal (if you can even call it that). And the other one was after Aubrey had dismissed the Bellas from their impromptu heart to heart session. The apology was simple and Aubrey had accepted it more graciously than Beca's first apology.
After that, Beca started spending a lot of time in Aubrey's apartment. Beca's visits were initially due to discussions she had with Aubrey and Chloe for the Bellas' finals performance but they continued even after the Bellas had won the ICCA. By then, Aubrey had gotten so used to Beca's presence that she didn't ask why.
She never asked.
Not even when Beca called her three days after she moved to New York and asked, "Could I crash on your couch for a few days? I got this last minute internship with an awesome sound engineer and I'd stay with my friend Debbie but she's in Chicago at the moment. I promise I'll be out of your hair in a week, tops."
The week ended and Debbie was still away. So Aubrey told Beca that she could extend her stay however long she wanted. It wasn't wholly from the kindness of Aubrey's heart. She hadn't made any new friends yet so it was nice to come back home to someone who was equally as tired as her. And after living with Chloe for three years, it felt kind of weird to eat dinner alone.
Living with Beca was not what Aubrey expected. She expected herself to be buried in her work while Beca made her mixes on her laptop. Instead, they spent most nights on the couch, eating out of takeout boxes and not watching TV, while talking about their day.
Before Aubrey knew it, she was rushing home after work like every other idiot who thought walking faster would mean they could get home quicker, even though they had no control over the subway system.
She should have asked herself the big question then but she was too busy enjoying Beca.
Beca, who laughed at her terrible impressions of her boss.
Beca, who hated her co-worker Nancy as much as her.
Beca, who was willing to sleep on the floor whenever she fell asleep on the couch.
But avoidance is never a good idea. That thing you are so desperate to avoid? It will hit you at the most unexpected moment. And when that happens, it will be impossible to stop.
In Aubrey's case, it came in the form of a kiss.
Beca was talking about how her boss finally listened to one of her mixes and he said it was okay, which apparently was a good thing because her boss was the kind of guy who downplayed his compliments.
And Aubrey was thinking about how she got so lucky, to see that smile on Beca every day. She had only ever seen it once when she was in Barden.
And in that moment, she realized how much she had underestimated Beca's gravity. She thought Beca was the asteroid that came around her planet every thirty years or so but no, they're not that. No, they're a binary star that had been circling around each other for almost eternity.
And this, this was the Langrangian point where they would meet.
And Aubrey should really stop herself because she could already feel herself getting consumed by Beca.
But there was no stopping gravity. It is the most fundamental law of the universe after all.
..
Aubrey managed to keep herself intact throughout that summer. She told herself not to give too much to Beca too fast. Beca was a runaway star. There will be something that was going to pull her away from Aubrey.
Barden, for example. And the distance would make it easy for Beca to forget her. Beca and Jesse had only been away from each other for two weeks when she broke up with him.
But that's okay. She and Aubrey were never meant for forever.
They were destined for greater things than love.
Yes, Aubrey believed that there were greater things than love.
And yes, Aubrey had admitted to herself that she loved Beca. She even said it too one morning.
Beca had to work late the night before. So instead of waking her up when the alarm went off, Aubrey made coffee first.
Beca had blurted out, "I love you," in her sleepy daze when she saw the mug of coffee in Aubrey's hand.
It didn't surprise Aubrey. She had known for some time that Beca was quite easy to please.
It took Beca roughly twelve seconds to realize what she just said but she couldn't quickly retract her confession because of the coffee in her mouth.
And while she was swallowing, Aubrey took the mug away from her. Aubrey didn't want to ruin her sheets.
"I love you too," she said calmly. It was okay. Love is a part of the human experience, and she was human (even if some people might believe otherwise). "And don't worry," she added before Beca could ruin it with a silly apology. (They loved each other and that was an amazing thing so there was no need for apology.) "It doesn't have to be a promise."
…
Beca kept the promise anyway.
She appeared at Aubrey's door on a Friday night in late December.
"What are you doing here?"
Aubrey was so sure that Beca was never coming back.
"You know Jake?" Beca asked with a nervous smile.
"The rapper," Aubrey nodded.
"He really likes my mixes so he asked me to make some samples for him and," Beca said, her eyes shifting from Aubrey to her feet, and her feet to Aubrey, "I'm in the city for the weekend to show them to him."
Aubrey was so sure that Beca was never coming back.
"Can't you just email them to him?"
Beca tightened her grip on the strap of her bag. "Yeah, I mean," she stammered, "but I've never been in a recording studio, I mean, I have, but I've only watched before and Jake offered so I thought…"
Aubrey was so sure that Beca was never coming back.
"…it'd be really cool and—"
Aubrey laughed.
"What?" Beca snapped, her nerves replaced by indignation over Aubrey's amusement.
Aubrey took the duffel from her shoulder. "I'm just happy you're here."
"Why did it feel like you were laughing at me?" Beca asked as she followed Aubrey into the apartment.
"Because," Aubrey turned, "I didn't think you were coming back."
"And that's funny because…"
"I was wrong," Aubrey said, placing Beca's bag on the floor. "I thought you were a runaway star."
Beca chuckled. "That is funny," she said, shuffling closer towards Aubrey. "Do you know how hard," she pulled slightly on Aubrey's shirt as she tipped her toes, "it is to stay away from—"
Aubrey was focusing too hard on Beca's gravity that she didn't think about her own. She didn't think that it was strong enough to keep Beca, but now Beca's letting her taste it, the answer to the question that Beca meant to ask, the question that died because Beca couldn't wait to let Aubrey feel how much she wanted, how much she needed Aubrey that it was impossible to run.
"I can relate," Aubrey murmured against Beca's lips.
Beca wasn't a runaway star.
Aubrey hadn't noticed it before because she was too busy holding the pieces of her that threatened to escape towards Beca. She thought it would destroy her if she let them go. She didn't realize that she was taking pieces of Beca with her too.
.
Seven months later when Beca knocked on Aubrey's door at two in the morning, Aubrey tossed her the spare key before slouching back to the bedroom.
When Beca didn't follow immediately, she went back out and pulled Beca with her while grumbling, "You don't get to wake me up at 2 a.m. and leave me alone."
Beca slept in her jeans and shoes that night because Aubrey snuggled her and wouldn't let go. It was a good thing that she took off her jacket when she came into the apartment.
The next morning, Aubrey thought she dreamt it and refused to wake up when her alarm went off. It took three slaps on her shoulder and Beca whining her name for her to realize that it wasn't a dream.
Later when Beca asked her about the key, she said, "Well, you already live here anyway," and after some thought, she added, "But it doesn't mean you can just skip your classes."
"But what if I really miss you?"
"Then it means I miss you more so you should learn to charge your phone so I can call you."
"Geez, you're worse than my dad," Beca sighed.
Aubrey chuckled at Beca's pout. "I love you too."
And this time, she wasn't afraid to make it a promise because she and Beca shared the world and it would take a lot more than fear, or distance, or uncertainty to separate them.