A/N: I'm still quite numb after reading Chapter 105 of the manga...seriously, how the freaking hell could Isayama do this to us? I'm so sorry for any feels you may have and I hope you'll like the story :)
This fic contains MAJOR SPOILERS about Chapter 105 of the manga (which, after Chapter 77, is the one tat will haunt me the most, I believe) and is dedicated to our beloved Potato Girl.
The title of the story is the title of the Attack on Titan soundtrack, which is one of my favorites and played during Season 2.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Attack on Titan characters and plot, because if I did, Chapter 105 would never take place
Jean was never a man of denial.
He always considered it a process that only fools need to go through during a harsh situation. Not even with Marco had he been through denial; he had been furious, yes, and devastated for not knowing how his best friend died, but not for one minute had he been in denial, pretended that Marco was still alive or dismissed the issue.
And yet denial is exactly what he experiences right now, in the Recon Corps' airship, with the once full of life Sasha Blouse now a lifeless body, unmoving, with her head on his lap and a blanket covering the large wound Gabi inflicted on her; the lethal wound, the final blow that ended a life within minutes.
Maybe it's her peaceful expression that clouds his mind and makes him want to think that she's only sleeping. Maybe it's how oddly quiet she is, a contrast to how she always was, so active, so combative, so ready to help everyone despite how scared she was when she first joined the Scouts. Or maybe it's just his messed up state that makes him believe that soon enough Sasha will open her eyes, smile with that radiant smile of hers and laugh at him for being so distraught.
"Seriously, Jean, you have so little faith in me that you thought I'd leave like that? Come on, let's go and have supper, silly!" He can almost clearly hear her voice, teasing and sweet at the same time, like wisps of air that dances around you before ceasing again.
But then he senses how cold her hand is…the ghostly pale color of her face…and reality strikes again with all its strength and tells him not to be stupid, that he knows that Sasha isn't just sleeping, that everything is over, that it ended it an instant because of a vengeful girl who believed they are the true enemies and doesn't have a single regret about her act.
His eyes travel to Connie, who's slumped at a corner in the small room of the airship where they carried her, and Jean's chest literally hurts for his friend, for both of them, for the duo of pranksters who had each other's backs and will never be together again. After announcing them Sasha's death and silently witnessing as everyone brought Eren before his potential responsibilities, Connie had cried himself to sleep…although judging from how he looks right now, it seems to Jean that he's fallen unconscious. Oh how badly he wants that too; to sleep, to faint, to do anything in order not to think because the longer he thinks the crueler reality becomes.
"It's already darker and colder without her, don't you think?" Armin tells him while wrapping a blanket around him and looking sadly at a sleeping Connie, who, with Sasha's death, seems to have lost his very own reason to smile.
Armin is right, it is colder and darker without Sasha's laughter and witty remarks, Jean thinks right now and not even the blanket Armin gave him can transfer some warmth in him. He's certain that this will be the case from now on. After all, Sasha and Connie were always together when they joked and teasingly encouraged the others; now that Sasha's gone, Connie won't have anyone to share these jokes with.
His blank expression doesn't betray anything, but it's a turmoil Jean can't handle and he desperately wants to blame someone because blaming someone vents his anger, bursts everything out. He's definitely blaming himself for not noticing Gabi earlier and pulling Sasha away…he wants to go and physically attack Gabi, now imprisoned with Falco…he wants to blame Eren for being so suicidal and infiltrating Marley without calculating how many lives would be taken while rescuing him, just like he and Hanji said to the Titan Shifter right after Connie told them that Sasha had succumbed to the wound…and he wants to go and yell at Zeke for not sacrificing himself in order to save Sasha by giving her his power. According to the thirteen-year-rule, Zeke doesn't have much time anyway, he could have easily given his power up in order to rescue a nineteen-year-old that was fighting for her life.
He's unfair and he knows it; after seven years of fighting, four of which in the Survey Corps, he knows that the matter of responsibility is a very difficult one. You can't know who holds the greatest part of the blame or who could have done things differently in order to prevent a specific outcome…if you could prevent it in the first place. Everything could have gone differently in the past years, in the past months, tonight during the battle…and the outcome could still be the same, Sasha could still be killed.
"We need to find and inform her father when we get home." Mikasa says sullenly and wipes a few tears from her face and looks at them as they're gathered around a sobbing Eren, who's drowning in his guilt.
"I'll take care of it. Mr. Blouse must know…to say goodbye…and to learn what a hero his daughter was." Hanji agrees, trying to stay composed although her trembling voice betrays her.
"Connie and I will go to him once you know where he lives." Jean steps in after exchanging a look of agreement with his devastated friend. "I-It's something the two of us must do."
He wasn't there when they informed Marco's family about his demise. He owes it to Sasha to at least be there for her dad when he learns what happened.
Which is why he is grateful that Connie and he are granted some alone time with her and he's not obligated to join the others and see the faces of all those he wishes to hold responsible for this tragedy. Over the years, the three of them bonded through everything they lived and Hanji kept telling them that, with Sasha's sharp instincts, Connie's speed and improved skill in using the Maneuver Gear and Jean's fighting techniques, they made a real team, completing and balancing each other.
And it wasn't just the fights…it was those moments of joy they had, when Jean couldn't help but laugh at Sasha and Connie goofing around…it was the nights when one of the three would have a nightmare and the other two would sleep in their room only to bring some comfort…it was that damn hug Connie gave them when they thought that their mission in Liberio was a success and had told them they were special.
But now nothing of this will happen again. No more hugs, no more joy, no more teasing bickerings and comforting moments. It's silence in all its cruelty, biting at them and killing them inside, rendering them weak and unable to continue the fight, leaving only shattered pieces and illusions of lost friends behind.
He can't take it anymore, it's overwhelming him and he feels like actually throwing up due to the mess of emotions driving him crazy. He leaves a sad chuckle as he folds his blanket and carefully places it under Sasha's head as a pillow before gently kissing her forehead; he's still treating her like she's only sleeping and she needs something to be more comfortable. Standing up, he starts pacing up and down, trying not to wake up Connie in the process because he needs to get as much rest as possible…because the worst still awaits them, the passing days and nights with the knowledge that their Potato Girl won't be joining them, that she won't sneak in the kitchen at nights to grab a bite, that she won't reprimand them about how they have to eat better.
With a frustrated groan, Jean tightens his hand into a fist and slams it against the wall of the airship, clenching his teeth together at the pain that follows. The physical pain, though, functions as a trigger for the emotional one as the damn breaks and everything that's been torturing the young man comes to surface like waves, in the form of tears and broken sobs that shake him through and through.
He's crying for his fallen comrade, he's crying for everything the three of them shared, him, her and Connie, he's crying for everything that could have been and for everything that will come in the future. Right now he doesn't know where to find some strength to go on and how to fight while knowing that someone with whom he's fought literally from the moment everything started died so cruelly, when the battle in Liberio was already over.
Jean leaves a startled gasp when he senses someone hugging him tightly, rubbing circles into his back and leaving shushing sounds but no false words of comfort, knowing obviously that this won't help right now. He opens his eyes and sees the eye patch; apparently Hanji got startled by the sound of his hand hitting the wall and came to see what's going on. Jean doesn't even have the power to push her away and block everything out like he used to do in the past; he just leaves another sob and lays his head on the older woman's shoulder, for once not ashamed about his feelings.
"W-Where do we go from now?" He stutters and, for one moment, it's like he's become the fifteen-year-old boy again who cried for Marco's death and wondered what the right thing to do was.
"Try to remember her as she was when she lived. Give yourself all the time you need to mourn for her, shutting your emotions away will only destroy you." Hanji advises him and lowers her head, unable to face Jean's grief and guilty gaze, since she feels the loss herself. "And then turn your pain into strength. Continue to fight and end this war for her together with your comrades."
And that's exactly what Jean's planning to do from now on. As long as it's in his hands, he won't die until he's made sure that this war that took Sasha away from them comes to its end once and for all.
A/N: Oookay, guys, that was it for now...sorry for all the feels, believe me, I was devastated myself when I read this part of the chapter :( Hope you liked the story and stay tuned for more one-shots :)