Venice. A city of canals in Italy, located at a big saltwater lake. They do not walk in Venice, but they use canoes and travel by the canals. It's like living together above the sea, but just it is a saltwater lake, though both sea and the lake is full of salt. The city, built by the Romans had countless heritages, like statues, buildings, and even the city itself, is one of its heritage. But then, even a place full of wonder like Venice, a place so beautiful they say like Venice, is going to drown.
The rising water levels, the abrasion caused by the salt to the buildings of Venice and the constant flood are slowly destroying the city. Even though they try to build walls to prevent more casualties, sooner or later, Venice will eventually drown.
If a city like that is drowning, a city built over the hundreds of years by hundreds of man with heritages all want to preserve—
—then just like Venice, right now, I'm drowning.
The water washed on the depth of my ankles as I squatted down, that now my pants are wet too. Far in my sight, the horizon of the sea spread open. The clear blue sky above me with no clouds, and the sun hovering gently gave me some sense of comfort. The greenish-blue color which invites me to walk even further has never been this comforting.
I looked down to my feet. There was a seashell. I picked it up. The shell was white, with a streaks of some muddy colors on it. With the tip of my fingernail, I cleaned the shell. It revealed a slightly bluish to purplish color, a color I used to like. Maybe right now, I like it too. But it just gave me a painful throb to my chest that I decided to throw it away. Just as I lifted my hand to throw it back to the sea, another seashell struck to my feet. Without thinking, I picked it up, and cleaned it.
And it had that color. At once glance, it looked like the color of the sea water, but on deeper look, it was viridian.
I used to like that color too.
I used to love it.
And I, right now, still.
Somehow, my hand reached for the phone still in my pocket. I forgot to put it away on the bag, it seemed. I dialed the number I tried to call in the morning before. Pressing the phone to my ear, I waited.
*"The number you're calling isn't answering. To leave a voice mail, press one."*
Again, the number didn't answer. I let out a bitter laugh. I knew the number wouldn't answer. And somehow, I dialed the number again. But it gave me the same response. I kept dialing, dialing and dialing then hearing the same response over and over again, that I decided to press one. My voice was creaking, I was shaking, and a tear rolled from my eye down to my cheek.
"...Reiji."
I called the name of the number's owner. I called his name, as if he was standing in front of me.
My hand trembled. Before realizing it, I was crying. I cried until my chest hurt, that the sound of the waves hitting the sand on the beach line was gone silent.
There was only one thing I wanted to tell him. But no matter how much I tried, my voice wouldn't come out. I tried to force it out, but I could only mutter his name. I kept trying to say it, that it began to hurt me, the seashells clutched in my hand starting to pierce my palm. I took a deep breath, only for me to choke back. Why couldn't I say it? Why couldn't I say the thing I've always wanted to say?
With one heavy breath, I let it out. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but I couldn't. There was only me in the beach, and my pair of shoes left at the shoreline. There was only me, as always, in my last stage to perform in. I stood up, as I finally whispered the words I longed to say for so long. After all this time, all I could do was a whisper.
"...I love you."
But I felt glad.
Even if it was just a voicemail, I was glad, that I could finally say it. The phone slipped from my hand, hitting the sand, the seashells falling down and washed ashore by the waves. My legs moved forward, taking a step, and another step, deeper I was towards the sea. I had never seen a view this beautiful. The sea, which had been a place for me to belong, was so vast it spread open in front of me. The surface was like glittering as the sunlight hit it close. I kept walking, and walking, even when the water reached my chest, and even further and further, as it finally reached the line of my neck.
I thought I heard a faint voice from the shore. The voice was calling my name. But maybe, it was just my imagination. Would it be just the birds chirping?
I closed my eyes, looking at the bright, blue sky for the last time. It was so beautiful. With a smile, I held my breath, as I took one, two, three more steps...
My chest hurt as I ran out of breath. I kept walking, I kept pushing myself deeper that all I saw was blue. I clutched my chest. But it's fine. It's fine. I'm happy. I am finally free.
It does hurt, but I am finally free.
Like the vast, beautiful blue sea, I am free.
There was... silence.
As Reiji opened his eyes, there was only silence. His breaths were panting, and he woke up with a horrified expression on his face.
For a reason he did not know, he kept dreaming of that.
It was like a nightmare. But at the same time, it didn't feel like one. He could see the person he missed for so long. He could see him, but he, even in his dreams, couldn't save him.
Pathetic.
He's pathetic.
Reiji wiped the tears on his eyes. It kept getting worse. He couldn't focus at work. He kept dozing off, and he didn't get enough sleep at all. He couldn't count how many times he was being told to focus, to take a rest and even being recommended to take a hiatus from making an appearance, but when he tried to rest, it all kept coming back. His guilt, and the thoughts about him.
He grabbed his phone at the small desk at the side of his bed. It was 2:16 am. Reiji knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep so he walked out of his bed, and stood at the empty, living room. The glass window looked to the city lit with blinking lights and one, two cars in the road even at this hour. In the window, his reflection looked weary. The dark circles he always tried to cover up with make-up were showing clearly. They were all the after-effect of his lack of sleep. Not to mention, lately, he lost some weight.
At that time, that person had Reiji to seek help to, but Reiji failed to help him. And right now, Reiji had no one to ask a help to.
He's all alone. Just like that person.
In six hours he needed to go to the agency for work. And he had only slept for if not less that two hours. The most he could get some sleep was three hours. And that was definitely not enough for him. His work was piling up along with his popularity and the demands were all crazy. It wasn't like Reiji didn't enjoy his work. His work was becoming tiring.
"...did you feel that way?"
Reiji muttered, his palm at the window's glass. He looked down to the streets, then up to the starry sky above him. The city's sky was never impressive that he could count how many stars were there. But in the sea, the stars are countless, and the sky is limitless.
He repeated his routine like yesterday. He brewed instant coffee, then sat alone in the couch, switching channel to channel with a blanket wrapping him. He would drink alcohol if he didn't have any work in the morning, but he couldn't get a hangover. And coffee kept him from being asleep.
Six hours. Without realizing it, five hours had passed. Reiji wriggled out of his blanket, his eyes were weary and he was really tired. But he needed to go. He took any change of clothes he could manage, and with a bit of touches he hid his circles away. Though it was really obvious, that he was really, really tired. Reiji tried to focus himself as he drove through the streets all the way to the agency. A few times he almost hit a person or another car.
When Reiji managed to reach the agency, he was getting even tired. Reiji tried his best to greet everyone there like usual, but his tiredness was kicking in. He took the lift to the floor where Saotome's office was, but he mistook number 5 to 2, so he arrived at the fifth floor. When he took a step out, he was confused. He didn't realize it was the fifth floor until he saw the old practice studio. Reiji hurriedly walked back to the lift, but he had to wait until the lift went back up from the first floor.
"Are... you... real...?"
When Reiji heard that voice, that familiar voice, he was struck. Without thinking, he turned back. And that was what he saw. He blinked for a few times, checking if he was hallucinating due to him being tired, or it was really real.
But it was real.
"...you're... real...?"
He walked closer to Reiji. Reiji could feel it when his palm touched his cheek. It was real. But he was asking Reiji: is he real?
"You're... real..."
And his voice was static. He looked at Reiji as if observing him. Reiji didn't do anything. Maybe he was too overjoyed? Or maybe he was too shocked? Reiji curled his lips upward, to answer the question he was asking to him, but his next words made everything that Reiji thought of into crumbles.
"...who are you...?"
He continued. He kept observing, but the smile on Reiji's face fell down.
"...why are you in my memories...? I... have never... met you... I have... never..." he looked down, and touched Reiji's hand. And that time Reiji realized that his touch wasn't warm. His touch was cold, as if he was not alive.
"A voice... kept calling you... in my head... it's calling... and calling... Reiji..." he lifted Reiji's hand to his cheek. And it was really cold. Reiji looked at him, horrified.
"...Reiji... where are you...? Why are... you not here... it's dark... it's lonely here... I want to see you... I want to... meet you..."
He stopped muttering. His gaze pierced back to Reiji's eyes. There was sorrow, there was loneliness and there was... a cry for help. And it reminded Reiji.
"...why... did you... leave me alone...?"
Reiji quickly pulled back his hand. He stumbled backward. Those words hung right in his mind. Repeating, and repeating. Reiji ran to the lift, going down to the second floor. That figure watching him going away as if he lost something, but he didn't move to chase him. He just stood there, confused. Reiji's back fell against the lift's wall. His breath panting. His eyes were heavy and everything went blurry, but he forced himself to get out of the lift as the door slid open. He really overworked himself.
But that wasn't a dream. That wasn't a hallucination.
He was seeing it for real.
A laugh slipped from his lips. He clutched his chest. Ah, it hurts. It hurts, but he kept laughing. He kept laughing that his tears fell. Something was wrong with him. He wasn't supposed to laugh. He wasn't supposed to cry either. Reiji ran to the toilet, slamming the door close as he tried to figure out why was he acting like that. He pulled out his phone. His thumb moved by itself and pressed that one contact, old, with the last call he received being a voicemail. Trembling, he pressed the call button.
"The number you are calling is inactive."
Why would he try it again? It's been five years. Of course it would be inactive. It wasn't used anymore. When he was about to close his phone, a message popped out. It was from Ringo. Asking him if he was already in the agency. Reiji took a deep breath, as he forced his thumb to type back, yes, he's already there.
"Are you okay?"
Reiji looked at that answer, leaving it on read. He doesn't know. Is he okay? When he was about to type back, Ringo texted a new message.
"It's fine if you don't come. I mean, Shiny asked you but..."
The text stopped.
"...I don't want you to get hurt.Please don't come."
*"Why?"*
Reiji waited. It took Ringo a long time to answer.
"Even I can't handle that. It'll hurt you, Reiji."
Ringo's answer was serious. And it traced his mind back to the fifth floor. He could still feel the touch of his hand on his cheek, though it was probably his imagination. He touched his cheek, as if he was holding someone's hand there. But that hand, was gone.
And he wanted to feel it again. It may be cold. It may be far. But he wanted to. He missed it. He missed that voice for so long that he almost forgot about it if only he didn't try to recall it every single morning. It was a name of a person he always directed his songs for. It was a name of a person he always hoped to see all of his works, right now.
"Is it him?"
His reply might surprise Ringo. It did, as Ringo left it on read only.
But Reiji didn't know what was waiting for him. He didn't know. He was still hoping. Reiji went outside from the toilet, walking towards Saotome's office. Knocking on the door, as he saw Ringo's and Ryuuya's worried face. He kept up the widest smile as he always did, but before he said his usual morning greetings, his voice halted, as he froze in his tracks.
"...oh, Reiji!" Ryuuya's voice was awkward, and heavy, "...you came."
"Reiji..." Ringo gulped. Saotome was sitting on his desk office. His thin smile felt like empty, as if he was just showcasing it for formality, but Reiji knew Saotome didn't feel the slightest sorry to him.
Ryuuya broke the long silence left. And he walked towards that person. The same person he saw on the fifth floor.
"Let me... introduce to you..." Ryuuya's voice was like he was hurting himself just to say that. "His name is..."
He's not Kisaragi Aine.
He's someone else.
And knowing that, Reiji's chest hurt.
"...Mikaze Ai."
It really wasn't him. Reiji smiled bitterly. He smiled, holding back everything he felt. It wasn't him. It wasn't the person he was waiting for. They have the same face. They have the same height. They have the same voice and they have everything the same.
But in the end, it was still not him.
"Mikaze, it's—"
"Kotobuki... Reiji..."
That voice, saying his name. But it was cold. It was static. It was not alive.
Ryuuya was taken aback when he knew Reiji's name. He tried to act cool, though it was so obvious, everyone inside this room, was just hiding the fact, except for Saotome.
"O-Oh! You met somewhere already...?" Ryuuya acted. Reiji's expression was a mix of confusion and shock.
"...t-then, Reiji, Shiny..." Ringo glanced at Saotome. He still hadn't said anything at all. None of his eccentrics. "...he want you to... take care of Mikaze-san... but..."
Ringo hurled up and hugged Reiji. He was hugging Reiji too tight that it felt like crushing his bones.
"...Rin-chan, it hurts..."
"You don't have to do that! I'll find someone else for it! Right, Saotome?! I'll do that instead of Reiji!" Ringo's voice was like a shriek, begging to Saotome. But still, he just watched.
"I'll help Ringo too. I'll do what I can!" Ryuuya added. But there was like no response. None of the positive.
"No, no, no, Kotobuki Reiji has to be the one to do that... sure that he can—"
"Reiji cannot do that!" Ringo yelled. "I opposed this plan from the start. You can't do this at all! Can't you see that Reiji's overworking himself?!"
"Reiji needs rest. We'll handle it. We are his friends too." Ryuuya stepped forward. He slammed his hand right in the desk, in front of his Saotome's face. Facing Saotome straight up. "This is the reason why he did it, Saotome."
Both Ringo and Ryuuya tried to appeal their reasons to Saotome. Reiji watched from afar. He watched the room got filled with yellings. It was so noisy. So noisy that his ears were buzzing. So noisy that it hurt his head.
"...your heart rate, it's increasing."
Reiji jumped. That Mikaze Ai was looking at him for too close. Reiji didn't realized that he was beside him all the time.
"It's increasing. Your body temperature," he pressed his own forehead to Reiji's, and that really shocked him. "It's also increasing."
Reiji stepped back. He couldn't put anything to words. His voice was so close to his ears.
And it was all the same.
"...when... you are sick..." he stopped, as if he was recounting something, "...you... would drink a warm coffee... and... you'll cook yourself... a plate of your favorite food..."
Reiji froze.
It was all the things Aine knew. It was all the things only Aine knew.
"...your favorite food... fried... it was fried... but..." he looked up to Reiji. He walked towards Reiji, and even though Reiji backed away, he kept trying to get close to him. "...you... can't eat that... okay?"
It was not him.
But then, why...?
"...why do you know all that...?" Reiji muttered. He seemed to pick up his quiet mutter.
"Why...?" he was confused. "It was in... my database... someone's... memory."
His hand touched Reiji's cheek, again. It was still cold.
"Someone... who said... he loves you..."
"Loves... me...?"
He took Reiji's hand, and placed it on his cheek. He closed his eyes, as if thinking, as if drowning.
"It's warm..."
He held Reiji's hand even tighter, and closer. "It's really warm..."
He suddenly let go of Reiji's hand, distancing himself away. Reiji was shook. As when his hand parted away, it felt like missing something completely.
Ringo and Ryuuya were looking at them. They were looking at each other, as they were worried. Reiji looked back at them. And for some reason, his chest does not hurt anymore. His tiredness was somehow, gone. He was still dizzy, but he could manage it.
"...Rin-chan, Ryuuya-senpai."
Reiji smiled. Though it was bitter, he was honest.
"I... can try, right?"