It was a quiet night in San Franciscoville. Wait, it was quiet? Holy Field. It's quiet. In San Franciscoville. It's a gift from God, wrapped up in a pretty ribbon by Jesus himself! Anyways. Nikolai Petrovsky is standing outside the house of Sophie Wills with a request for her. It's really late, but why not bother her while she's probably trying to sleep? He picks up a cinder block off the side of the road and with none of his strength, he hucks it into a random window on the second floor. The block goes right through the window, causing Carmen Wills, Sophie's poor old grandmother, to spring out of bed and reach for her sniper rifle. She loads it and aims for Nikolai's ugly, ugly face and pulls the trigger, sending a bullet flying into his head, effectively killing him.
An alternate ending brought to you by The Tea Party
The cinderblock flies through the other top floor window, causing Sophie to jump out of bed and rush to the window. She sincerely hopes her prince came to save her from her ugly life as a peasant. But her heart is crushed like a tiny beetle when she sees it's only Nikolai, that perverted asshole who always hits on her in school.
"What do you want, Nikolai?" she asked. "I'm trying to sleep," she asked.
"Marry me!" Nikolai said. "You have such a sweet ass!" He said. Even if she hates Nikolai, she couldn't help but find him incredibly attractive. His stegosaurus hair, his accent, his obnoxious laugh… She hates him so much. In fact, she hates him so much that she picks up her grandmother's pair of pink and white-striped panties and throws them at his face, hoping that pervert would go away. He loves panties. Then he was shot in the dick by Anja Hanssen. She also hates him. And wants him to die. Anyways, Nikolai takes the panties, only to throw them aside to take out a sock with a hole in the big toe area. "As much as I love panties," he said. "I want to marry you!" he said. "We can watch any stupid movie you want, and we can have ugly babies together!" he said. Sophie teleports outside to face him. But instead of getting a kiss, Nikolai gets punched in the gullet. He runs off into the night with the panties he got from her, until he stops to pick up a beef taco on the sidewalk and horks it down.
Oh wait. Now he's been bedridden because of food poisoning and aggressive gingivitis from that beef taco. Next to him is a cardboard cutout of Jennifer Lopez… if she was a frog. Against all odds, and all laws of science, nature, biology, logic, and reality, it's pregnant. With quintillionuplets. Nikolai realises this, and instead of being excited for fatherhood and immediately preparing for the arrival of a quintillion "babies", he sees this as a chance to make Sophie jealous of his "success", even if she doesn't find him attractive at all, let alone like him.
Despite his aggressive diseases, Nikolai is at the local bar with "Jennifer Lopez" and Sophie. He's guzzling down a mug of Poopenheimenmeisteryeeaegenswiggleswagglegeebobuttbung beevodkine, while Sophie mindlessly sends death threats to Anja via cell phone. Nikolai hucks his empty glass mug and it completely shatters against poor Christophe Beaulieu's face, causing him to run to Denmark for protection from Anja because he's French. Nikolai swings his arm around Sophie and pulls another mug of beevodkine out of nowhere, but Sophie just kind of backs away from the heavily intoxicated Russian. Well, I can just say Russian, I mean, there's not much of a difference between being Russian and a drunkard. Anyways, she looks at him and says,
"Yo, Nikolai!" she says. "What are you doing?" she says.
"I don't love you no more," Nikolai sneers. "I have Jennifer Lopez and a quintillion children." But when he looks out the random window, he sees that "Jennifer Lopez" and his quintillion unborn children were mistaken for baby seals and clubbed to death by Aksa Madan. He sees this and starts crying, while Sophie just walks away from him. "Oh," he says, "Jennifer Lopez is dead," he says.
"I hate you so much," Sophie pandeads. This causes Nikolai to sob even harder and jump out of the window of the bar which is the top floor of a skyscraper now. He falls, not caring that his lovely lovely hair is getting messy because of physics, and splats to the ground like a pancake made by Europeans. He picks himself up and dusts himself off as if nothing happened. But his eyes widen and his heart soars when he sees a new love for him. Her name is Ketsuekino-Oni Reicheru. And she's trash. She's literally trash. But Nikolai knows better and torches it to death with a flamethrower that he pulled out of his nowhere storage. However, an angry little otaku saw him, and she rallies up what she calls "nekos". Well, she tried to make them, but now they're just mutant cat people. And then they all mercilessly ripped Nikolai to shreds. Aksa helped them and took Nikolai's pants as a war trophy. The end.