Ryan Evans never thought he'd be the hold up.
It wasn't like he hadn't done anything before. He'd kissed guys, made out with them, done a little bit more with others. Bryan from drama club, Simon from the ski lodge, two of the five pool boys at Lava Springs—he'd never had a problem going however far any of them wanted to go. But, now that he thought of it, none of them had ever suggested sex. And neither had he.
Now, there was Chad Danforth, and things were different. Ryan loved everything about Chad, and for the most part, he wasn't afraid of expressing it. Even now, though, over a year into their relationship, he hadn't been able to say yes when Chad asked if he was ready to go all the way.
And it wasn't as though he didn't want to. He really, really did. But something stopped him every time, and he couldn't pinpoint what that could be. Thank God Chad hadn't called him out on it. He deserved to. And maybe if he did, Ryan thought, they could figure this thing out and get on with it. So after the last exam of his first semester of his second year at Julliard, Ryan went back to Albuquerque, looking for a confrontation with the boy he loved.
A confrontation wasn't, of course, what he initially got. That was all enthusiastic kisses in the safety of his bedroom when Chad came over the first night Ryan was back.
"I missed you," said Chad, pulling Ryan onto the bed with him.
"I missed you, too, Mr. Sentimental," Ryan said, smiling as Chad kissed his neck.
"What did you want today?" Chad sounded eager, and Ryan loved it, but what a question to ask.
"Other than this, you mean? Well, I could really go for a chili dog..."
"How 'bout mine?" Chad grinned devilishly. Now, that far, Ryan was willing to go. He had before. Multiple times, actually. And it was always great for both of them. But right now...
"Chad, does it ever bother you that we haven't ... done it?" asked Ryan.
Chad took a second before answering. "I don't know. I want to. But if you're not ready, then I can wait as long as you need to."
Ryan shook his head and laughed softly. "It shouldn't be so easy for you."
"Honestly? It's not." Chad pushed some stray hairs off Ryan's forehead and kissed him there. "I feel like a teenage guy, you know? I want you. I want all of you. And sometimes I feel like I deserve to have all of you."
"You do. That's the problem. I'm the problem." Ryan lay back on the bed and raked a hand through his hair. "Because I want to do it, too. Really, I do. Why wouldn't I? I'm just ... I'm scared. And I don't know why."
Chad lay back next to him and draped his leg across Ryan's. Ryan tried to ignore that feeling he always got when Chad started putting more than just his hands on him as Chad nearly whispered, "It's a big step, Ryan. It's OK to be scared of something you've never done. Something you've never really wanted to do. I mean, we all want sex. But I mean ... want it with someone..." He kissed Ryan, quickly and softly. "Someone you love."
Ryan caught the look in Chad's eye and knew that they could feel each other now.
"Since we love each other..." Ryan's voice was uncharacteristically small. He cleared his throat. "Can we make it, like, a thing? Like, an entire night, or even a whole day, just us, each other, just..." Ryan knew he was turning red, but he didn't care. "Making love?"
"Of course," said Chad. "I don't think we could do it any other way." Chad kissed him. It wasn't nearly as short this time, and Ryan knew they wouldn't be talking much longer. "Does this mean you're ready, then? Like, you want to do this?"
"I already told you, I've always wanted to. Just now that we've talked..." Ryan kissed Chad, slow and sweet, hardly breaking away at all to say, "I can." And what they had that night wasn't quite sex, but what they did have was so close that Ryan swore he could taste it.