He was stoic. Like a statue.
He only looked at me, with mild curiosity whenever I seemed to have trouble stitching him,or bandaging or plastering some limb. He'd barely gasped when I set his dislocated shoulder, as if it was nothing. I wondered if that super high pain threshold was a natural things in his alien species or if it was acquired after one too many epic adventures with Thor.
As the unofficial Doctor of the Avengers, I had seen how everyone reacted to pain (Tony whined and joked, to distract himself; the Captain tried to keep his cool...) but no one was remotely similar to Loki. He was a different thing to them all. Since he started working with us he had been hurt quite often, with different kinds of injuries that ranged from broken fingers to massive internal bleeds. And he didn't scream, or moan, or whine. He was just there, watching me heal him as if it was nothing.
In this particular ocasion, apart from the dislocated shoulder, he had broken his left arm, received five stab wounds on his abdomen and received a series of blows, cuts and abrassions to left side of his face and neck. He was only dressed in some black pants, and his whole upper body was blue and black and blood red all over... and he just looked at me. Amazing.
Finally, I decided to ask him.
"Excuse me, does none of this hurt you at all?"
"Of course it does, but I would not want to burden your task with my useless complaints."
Loki was being nice with me by being stoic. That I was not expecting. Pride, manliness, superiority: yes. Niceness: no.
"I appreciate it, but you don't have to strain yourself, ok?"
"It is not a problem, Dr. Banner."
Yes! Someone who remembered! I smiled.
"May I ask why the smile, Dr.?" Loki asked, all smoothness while I stitched one of the stab wounds.
"It's nothing, just... People around here never call me Doctor anymore. Since we're friends it's just Bruce or Banner...And I studied hard to become a Doctor! They never forget the Director when talking to Fury."
"But knowledge is always underrated, isn't it? You might invent a whole new kind of magic, but people will only see the feats of someone more spectacular, swinging a hammer. And your feats will pass unnoticed or be dismissed."
There was some personal resentment there, but I totally agreed with his reasoning.
"You're preaching to the choir, man. Here, millions of people adore football players while ground breaking scientists remain unknown. And they only me as that guy who turns into the Hulk. All my life's work reduced to that."
"For what it's worth, I have found your books and essays most interesting. And I imagine your healing skills are much better than the Hulk's."
Oh my God. Loki had read my books. Now I was probably blushing like a schoolgirl. To avoid thinking about the sudden heat in my cheeks, I focused on setting his arm and preparing the plaster.
"For what it's worth" I continued "I think what you do is much more interesting than swinging a hammer. I mean, I can more or less figure out how Mjolnir works, like a magnet but with Thor's DNA... but what you do... it's magic. I mean, the disappearing, the copies of yourself, the illusions... I'ts really incredible."
"I think it would be fair to conclude, then, that we are both brilliant and that our brilliantness is often taken for granted, forgotten or even dismissed as tricks."
"Amen to that, Loki." I said "They may call you the God of lies but you do speak the truth."
He smiled a bit, but it didn't reach his eyes. When I finished with the plaster I noticed that there was blood around some of the stiches from the stab wounds. Odd. When I started cleaning it, Loki's voice came again.
"Do not concern too much with that, Dr., I fear I might have that area a bit too much lately."
I looked at it, worried there might be internal bleeding. The whole area was very bruised and he was obviously underweight which didn't help.
"I'll bandage it to prevent more damage but if you're in too much pain, or you feel light headed, short of breathor start vomiting blood, you came right back to me, ok?"
Loki just nodded and looked at my medical supplies as if they were the most exciting thing in the world.
"Your brother thinks you might be suicidal."
Now, that got his atenttion back pretty quickly. His green gaze was now directed at me, as if trying to figure me out.
"Pardon me if I have a difficult time believing that."
"Well, you're always getting hurt and get in the middle of the danger without..." But he interrupted me.
"No, I meant the your brother is worried part." Of course. The family issues, again.
"He is worried, really. He asked me to fix you before it was too late." I answered while still bandaging his midsection. I noticed some unexplained bruising on his back. Not nice.
"Yes, that is Thor. He senses that I have mental problem and goes to the man with the most obvious split personality disorder in the planet for help."
Maybe I should be offended. I was not. Split personality disorder sounded much better than the usual "he becomes a green rage monster". It was more clinincal and less weird.
"Not to mention that my Bruce Banner personality also has problems of its own. But Thor was probably more accurate than you know. Out of all of us, I'm the one who knows how it feels like when you decide to end it all. When you feel everyone will benefit form your death. When you feel you will be doing the universe a favor by dying."
Loki is silent for a moment, then looks up to he ceiling and softly says:
"Because if you die the monster will be gone, too." He says, and there's an unspeakable sadness in his eyes as he speaks.
"Because no matter what you do, how you try to control it..." I continue, what I was doing long forgotten.
"...how you try to hide it..."
"It's always there, it's part of you and it will always be there. And if you have to lose yourself to get rid of it, well so be it. So you decide it should be done and do it, but somehow you don't die."
"No, you are back in the starting point unable to decide what to do with yourself. Try and ignore it all, go on with your life? Or try better to end it all making sure you never come back?"
We're both silent now. It's not easy to talk about these things, even if you have someone who understands you. So many feelings, so many unwanted memories.
Loki's eyes shone brightly as he stared into nothing, probably deep in his own thoughts. I wondered what it could be like, being inside his head. So many traumas and conflicting emotions. So many insults, defeats, regrets. And the pain, the pain that is never shown but it's always there.
"So, how do you deal with all this emotional nonsense, Dr. Banner? You seem quite balanced. This side of you, at least."
This side of me. Not bad. I guess finding that you had blue skin and red eyes (I remember when we saw it the first time, how he kept trying to hide himself. Clint was a bit too cruel on the battle but no one, not even Tony had dared to joke about it later. Loki hadn't come out of his room for a week. And I thought I had identity issues) made you think of a lot of euphemisms for monsters.
"The usual" I answered, going back to the healing. "I try enjoy life while I'm me, read, experiment, be with friends... that kind of thing. And I also like to help people out to compensate for the other guy. By the way, I'm sorry about Stark Tower, when the invasion. Interrupting people and then crashing them into the flooor several times it's not something I condone."
"I know it was not really yourself... but I accept your apologies on his behalf." He half smiled.
So I went back to cleaning and disinfect his neck and face. No biggie. We were just enjoying compainonable silence after acceptance of apologies. A nice, clean eniveronment. But then I couldn't help myself, and I asked.
"You realize Thor would totally lose it you actually properly died, right?"
"Oh, I've died before. It didn't seem to matter that much." And we were back to sad. I was the best shrink ever. In opposite day.
"Well, he cares about you, more than you know. That much even I can tell. You should've seen how long he spent to convince Fury to let you join us. And we do, too! We care. Well, maybe not Clint... or Natasha... well, I do! This side of me, at least."
"Is this your way of trying to fix me Dr. Banner? Because it seems a bit transparent." He looked at me, straight in the eye. A man who never lost his cool.
"No, really. I like you. There's not much people I can talk to, besides Tony. And Tony sometimes can be a bit much, you know? With all his self-asuredness and confidence and wit... I love the guy, of course, but he's good-looking and wealthy and funny and charming... sometimes he makes me feel bad about myself. And I'm brilliant."
"I understand you perfectly, Doctor. When Thor arrived here he made friends, drank beer and a beautiful woman fell in love with him. And what did I get? A horde of locals who hated me, a supergroup of enemies and some aliens who were supposed to be allies but despised me as well. He smiles and it's adorable. I smile and people call me psychopath."
"I know" I answer, as I finish stitching a nasty gash on his cheek. "It's not easy being us."
After five minutes, I was finally finished with Loki's injuries and gathering some meds and creams. I quickly explained what they were, the doses etc. and even though he probably was not going to take them, Loki listened very attentively.
"And, you know" God, this was awkward "you can talk to me even if you're not injured. If you feel like talking about science, or magic, or our friends getting all the attention... You know, I'm here. Being brilliant and mostly bored."
He smiled, and even if all the cuts and bruises made him look a bit creepy, I liked the smile. It seemed genuine for once. Maybe having Loki with us wasn't such a bad idea as we initially thought.
"How very nice of you.I will remember it, Doctor. And thank you for your assistance."
He stood up and started leaving, gracefully as ever. When he was already at the door I realized I forgotten something very important:
"Hey, Loki! Take care of yourself, ok?"
He threw me an enigmatic look and left.
I smiled while I washed my hands.
Suddenly, I didn't feel so alone in my misery.
A/N: Liked it? Not? Really hoped you did! Excuse me for any the grammar/spelling mistakes!
Reviews are love!