Inevitability

Dean and Sam had always been codependent on each other to an unhealthy degree. It showed in Sam's love for Dean; his non-brotherly love that everyone knew about, but nobody talked about. It showed in Dean's extreme over protectiveness, despite the odd looks people gave them when Dean overreacted about some small thing that had happened to Sam.

They both knew, from common sense and what other people had said about them, that their codependence wasn't right, wasn't natural; and yet, it felt so natural to them. This created some uncomfortable feelings in them and questions that neither of them were prepared to deal with. So they didn't deal with them, instead they found ways to distract themselves, outlets for their emotions. Such as hunting. Dean also became quite the drinker and ladies man. Sam had taken a few girls to bed, but had found none of them satisfying, so he began to focus more on learning about whatever new thing the supernatural world had decided to throw at them that week.

It worked too. When Dean was drunk or laying with whatever random girl he had found at the bar, his mind wasn't focused on Sam. And when Sam was researching fearies or dragons, or whatever, his thoughts weren't centered around Dean. Hunting actually allowed them to give into their feelings, but the adrenaline washed away any uncomfortable thoughts that came with their emotions towards each other. When you're hunting in pairs like the brothers do, you completely rely on the other person; trust them with your life, literally. Hunting was a time when their codependence not only felt natural, it was natural.

But the gentle balance they had so miraculously achieved was rudely disrupted when Sam got a girlfriend. It was sudden and surprised everyone, especially Sam. He had never wanted girls, had never wanted anyone except Dean. But he didn't seem to be able to let this girl go.

She was a petite brunette. She had absolutely nothing to do with the supernatural world. Sam treasured the normalcy he got when he was with her. It was so different from talking to Dean about ghosts and skinchangers, or worse, angles and demons. And kissing her was- nice. It wasn't passion filled and overwhelming, but it didn't disgust him like kissing other girls had. He did it as often as possible, but that's as far as it ever went. She said she didn't want to jump right into bed, because that was what had ruined her previous relationship. Sam didn't push. Her name was Tammie, which prompted Dean to go around singing, "Sammy and Tammie, sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g," much to Sam's annoyance.

But Sam didn't realize the way his relationship hurt Dean. Dean's distractions weren't working anymore. Every time he took a girl to bed it was Sam's face he saw twisted in pleasure, Sam's voice he heard crying out his name in ecstasy. It was wrong. Dean knew Sam was in love with him; Sam had admitted it once, only once. But Dean didn't feel the same way about Sam. He knew he couldn't live without Sam and he knew he loved the boy like nothing else, but he wasn't in love with Sam. But Dean was still hurt. He had known all his life that he would never have to share Sam. He had been sure of that since they were teenagers, the only time Sam had ever confessed to him.

********FLASHBACK*********

"Why don't you get a girlfriend? There are plenty of girls here who moon after you."

"Nah, we'll probably be gone in a couple of weeks. Once dad gets back."

"So? Might as well have a girl while you're here."

"I'm fine, really."

"Really? You'd be better with a girl. I'm serious, you're always so sullen lately, maybe a little skirt would cheer you up."

"Dean! I'm not gonna get a girl, so leave it alone!"

"God Sammy, touched a nerve did I? Well, are you at least gonna tell me why? The real reason, not that 'we're gonna be moving' crap."

"I mea, I will if you really want me too, but you wont like it, trust me."

"I'm a big boy, I'm sure I can handle it. Tell me anyways."

"Just, promise me that you won't hate me after I tell you."

"God. Baby boy, nothing's gonna be so bad that I'll hate you."

"I'm not gonna get a girl because you're it for me."

"What!"

"You're it. When I think about being with a girl, it always turns into thinking about being with you. When I am with a girl, I look at her and I see you. I can't get you out."

*********END FLACHBACK*********

Dean pushed the memory away, because even though he hadn't hated his brother after that, he had been disgusted enough to say that he did. Dean didn't want to think about the fight that had followed. He was afraid to think about the months of Sam's agony after that, the pills, the rope, until he had managed to convince Sam that he just wasn't worth Sam's life.

Dean shuddered and grabbed the whiskey bottle. He didn't bother with a glass and just drank it straight from the source.