"Would you care to explain just what the fuck we're doing here?" Dean asked in a low voice.
"Entertaining me." Sam responded looking back at him with sarcasm. "I…Dean, I'm tired."
There was a lull for a long moment and then Dean started to say something then the door opened to the office and the person inside called their names.
Dean got up slinking into the office while Sam stood proudly if dejectedly as they went in.
"I'm Dr. Carriggan and I'll be your therapist. So why don't we get to it then?" Julian Carriggan said seating himself across from the. "Sam you indicated in the telephone interview that you've reached an impasse with your brother and you don't know what to do any more. Is that correct?"
"Yeah." Sam admitted looking at his hands bewildered.
"Do you want to tell Dean why you feel this way?" Dr. Carriggan asked.
"What would it matter? I've tried telling him dozens of times; it's like what I say regarding feelings get's shrugged off." Sam said miserably.
"Sam, you know I'm not a touchy, feely type of guy. You've known that for years." Dean admitted.
"Well perhaps I would like to hear a little touchy, feely now and then. It doesn't have to be all the time, but just every now and then, is that too much to ask?" Sam responded angrily.
"Good, good, now we're getting somewhere. Sam you're angry because Dean is reluctant to admit to or relate to you in a more intimate manner. What about you Dean? How do you feel about the way that Sam relates to you?"
Dean looked directly at the doctor. "I can deal with it, I know I don't respond in an Oprah way, I keep telling him that's just not me but he can't seem to relate to that."
"Even though he wants a minor compromise?" The doctor continued. Then he took a breath, "Ok let's explore for a moment why you have this fear."
"I'm not afraid." Dean said adamantly.
"And I'm Johnny Carson." Sam retorted.
"Please Sam," Dr. Carriggan interjected. "Give him a chance to speak."
Then he looked at them a moment. And nodded walking over to an apartment sized refrigerator and opening the door revealed an assortment of beverages, he reached in and pulled out a beer and offered it to Dean.
"Thanks Doc." He said with that twisted grin of his. "This is a first."
"One of many I hope." The doctor said looking at Sam and touching a bottle of water received a nod; he pulled out a bottle of water and an alcohol free beer and sat down across from them again. He looked at Dean. "You seem to have some antipathy towards your brother's actions. Care to share with me, the why?"
"It's because we're brothers." Dean said shifting nervously. "I mean what we are doing is illegal in a group of states."
"So your relationship with your brother is not only fraternal but sexual?" The doctor asked.
"You mean he didn't tell you?" Dean said aghast for a moment.
"You just did. How do you feel about that?" The doctor asked again.
"Fucked in the head a bit. I mean I'm the big brother, I'm supposed to watch out and take care of him. But here I am going to bed with him." Dean admitted angrily.
"So you have a problem relating sexually?"
"No not that." Dean responded confused.
"Oh then you mean the sex is good, you just feel guilty in a way?" Carriggan voiced.
Dean shifted again and looked down at his beer a moment and then took a long pull on it.
"Tell me about your childhood." Carriggan prompted.
"It was screwed up. We were always moving never really settling." Dean admitted.
"That must've been unsettling."
"It just meant that we didn't have much time to form relationships with people where we were at." Dean said quietly.
"So you formed a relationship with each other?" The doctor asked.
"NO! Well not at first, I was lucky, I was 16 looked 18 and for some reason could grab a chick wherever we were at bang her and go on." Dean said.
"What about you Sam, you were a minor in all this, how did it make you feel?" The therapist asked.
"Like I was an outsider looking in. I wanted to have the ability to seduce someone at the drop of a hat. And was successful a few times."
"We're your dates all heterosexual in nature?"
"No, I was gay from the start. I knew that I was more interested in boys than girls. But at the same time I had to hide that. It was easy to start with because I would meet up with boys who were in the same boat and we'd go away from the house on the pretense of playing war games or something and end up playing with each other alone."
"Did you know about this Dean?" Carriggan asked him.
Dean shook his head in slight wonder. "No that was a part of his growing up he kept secret. So every time you and whoever were going down to the river or over to the abandoned factory to do your war games you were actually…you know…"
"Fooling around, fucking, sucking, jerking off." Sam said miserably. "Dean I started this when I was 13."
Dean looked now as it he'd just slapped in the face with a 2x4. He sat there for a minute digesting this.
"How was your relationship with your father?" The doctor asked.
"Sporadic. Distant. He was our dad but he was like only there occasionally then he was off again." Dean admitted to which Sam nodded agreement.
"He abandoned you?" The doctor asked concerned.
"No, it was just the nature of his work would sometimes cause us to be on our own for a few days." Dean said.
"So Sam, when did your opinion of your brother turn sexual?" Carriggan asked.
"I was 15, he thought I was asleep in our bedroom, and he was banging some chick in the living room, I saw the whole thing and well," Sam started to flush a bit. "It was the first time I'd seen my brother naked with a hard on."
"I suppose that you two had the opportunity to see each other in various stages of dressing." The doctor observed.
"Yeah that wasn't a problem. Seeing him like that made me get hard and come in two strokes." Sam admitted blushing.
"But you've always been the more sensitive observer?" Carriggan asked.
"I guess you could say that, yeah." Sam admitted.
"And Dean, you've been basically pragmatic all your times at sex were just mechanical actions?" The doctor asked frankly.
"NO! NO! Not all the times...I mean with me and Sam would fool around it would be something special." Dean admitted this time.
"Special how?" The doctor asked confounding Dean who was starting to flush under the questioning.
"Doc, I gotta tell you I'm really uncomfortable with this." Dean said. "With Sam … we connected differently. I've never felt that way in any other relationship I've been in."
"Good and you can't tell him this? Why?" Carriggan said, "Is it because of your past?"
"I guess, yeah, part of it is. I mean Dad taught me at least from the get go, you never let anyone see how you really feel. You keep your emotions hidden otherwise you can be attacked." Dean said.
The doctor looked at him appraisingly for a moment then turned his attention to Sam his eyes not revealing what he was sensing.
"You feel the same way?" Carriggan asked.
"No. I always felt that your feelings were windows to your soul. I shut him out of my own life for a year and now that my own baggage is cleared up I want to understand what he feels." Sam said looking away for a moment.
"Sam you never told me about that. I just figured that all that time when you were, you know different, that you were finally picking up what I was laying down."
Sam grew beet red in the face and whirled on Dean, gripping the arms of his chair until his knuckles were white. "What I was picking up, I'm not sure, I spent that year not feeling a damn thing because I couldn't, then suddenly I'm able to start feeling again and I want so much more. Is that too much to ask!?" Sam said thundering, tears springing to his eyes.
"You… I mean, we…Sam I don't know how to respond!" Dean finally said helplessly. "I'm too much like Dad."
Sam sat back wearily wiping angrily at his face, and then grabbing an offered tissue from the doctors box on his desk. "You know I have always worn my heart on my sleeve up until this past year. I thought I was going to die when I got to feeling again. And now all I want…"
"You want me to tell you how I feel?" Dean supplied.
Dr. Carriggan held up his hand a moment. "You keep referring to this past year and that he couldn't respond to you. Can you elaborate on that?"
"No, because I don't understand it all myself." Dean admitted.
"Ok we can go with that. So Dean, Sam is expressing he wants to feel appreciated, can you do that?"
"I don't know!" Dean responded helplessly. "You're asking me to do something totally…I mean…I can't…"
"You're an emotional virgin." The doctor supplied.
Dean looked shocked for a moment and then nodded. "I guess you could say that." Dean said.
"Would you be willing…?" The doctor started but Sam interrupted.
"Let me guide you…please." Sam begged.
Dean looked away now and pinching the bridge of his nose a moment, then looked back at Sam his vision clouded for a moment.
"Sammy…I don't know how!" He said helplessly.
"Then let me take on some of the big brother job for a while and teach you."
"Sam this is getting really flicky." Dean warned.
"So let it. Chick flicks aren't a bad thing."
"They're not me." Dean said hard.
"Then meet me in the middle." Sam said.
Dr. Carriggan looked at them…"A compromise is being asked Dean, can you at least do that."
"I can try…" He said hesitatingly.
"Are you willing to approach the idea listening to each other?" The doctor said.
"Sam…Sammy…a tear tracked down Dean's cheek.
"Dean, I'm not looking for an embracing, Gone with the Wind moment," He said reached out a hand. "Just tell me that you'll at least give it a try, that you'll give me a try." Sam looked at Dean, his own eyes brimming.
"Sammy, I'm sorry." He said reaching out as well and taking his hand.
"Just meet me half-way." He asked.
The doctor stood then grinning. "This is a promising start, Dean; we have another session in two weeks, same time. Between now and then I want you to try an experiment."
"Yeah?" Dean said cautiously.
"You know what Sam expects from a relationship or rather what he wants?"
"Yeah, I do." Dean said his caution growing.
"Go on a date you two. Dean, try treating him the way he asks. Experiment with your feelings. Get in touch with one another again. Can you do that?" Carriggan asked. Dean and Sam stood then and looked at each other. Dean looked at Sam a long moment. The doctor grinned slightly. "I know what you probably want to do and it's completely appropriate in a situation like this." The doctor said and Sam as if being an arrow in a bow was released and he grabbed Dean in a rough hug to start, then he pulled back and tenderly stroked his cheeks and finally kissed him. Dean melted into the kiss gratefully and strangely at ease. When they broke Dean realized that the doctor was standing there watching them and he blushed furiously.
"Dean, it's okay to be romantically emotional now and then." The doctor advised. Then, "Dean kiss him as if he were one of your female dates you've had in the past."
Dean flushed, but turned to Sam embracing him and then seeming to flow with the moment kissed him long and slow, his tongue exploring but not pillaging Sam's mouth, they were evenly matched for the moment and when they broke it was both of them gasping for breath.
"Was that so bad?" Carriggan asked.
"Maybe not…" Dean admitted and they left with Dean leading the way proudly with Sam at his side. Dr. Carriggan had one hand on his door about to open it when he turned to them. "A date, not a rushed affair, but a date."
"Okay doc." Dean admitted hoarsely.
The doctor opened the door and they left with Dean looking up to his brother with a strange light in his eyes. The doctor knew that this one would be a success.