I wanna hold your hand so tight I'm gonna break my wrist,
and when the vultures sing tonight I'm gonna join right in.

This isn't fair!
Don't you try to blame this on me.
My love for you was bulletproof but you're the one who shot me.
And god damn it, I can barely say your name,
so I'll try to write and fill the pen with blood from the sink.
Woah oh

But don't just say it, you should sing my name.
Pretend that it's a song 'cause forever it's yours,
and we can sing this on the way home.

By Pierce the Veil, Bulletproof love

"I wanted to be with you, I wanted to trust you! We have been together since the beginning of the Blight, and yet you let that murderer live! How can you let him live after all that he has done!" Alistair screamed at me.

"Do you think that I saved him just to spite you? I love you, I trust you, but I thought I should trust Riordan and let Logain take the Joining." My voice was small, it was ruff and like a little kid trying not to feel like everything is falling apart because of their mistake. I stared into his eyes, but I saw someone other than my Alistair, my world. This stranger was angry, he was stubborn, he was about to hit me.

"Letting that traitor live, letting him have the honor of becoming a Grey Warden, is that really what you thought is best? I told you that I would leave if you let him live!"

I couldn't find my words, and I saw him packing what little things he had away. His hands were rough, and they were shaking even as he was trying to run away. His eyes were golden, but they were as cold as steel as he looked at me again, waiting. I tried to open my mouth, but no words came out.

"I am no longer a Grey Warden, and no longer know you." He closed his bag with so much force I could hear it ringing in my ears. "You are a Grey Warden I once knew, but nothing more."

"Alistair, don't-"

"No," he brought up his hand silencing me. "I do not know you any longer, nor have I ever thought I knew you. You are a two-faced wench that I thought I loved, but found your true nature and stopped the act."

"Alistair-"

"I will not listen to your lies any longer!" His face was twisted in anger and his voice was like venom, seeping through me. He passed me by, not even acknowledging my presence and left me standing there alone. His voice rang in my ears and I felt tears streaming down my face. I turned around, as if to try and reach for him, but I was too slow. He was gone and my hand reached for nothing but air.

"Alistair, I love you." My tears were blurring my vision and I my legs gave out. I felt my tears dripping onto my hands, falling down to the floor. "I love you so much." My voice didn't sound like my own, but those were the word I said. I stayed on the floor, unable to move from all the pain I felt, the grief over him leaving me.

I don't know how long I stayed on the floor crying, but I refused to get up. I felt helpless and broken, wishing for the chance to go back and fix everything.

"My dear Warden, I am sorry but you must get up." I heard someone's voice and felt someone's hand on my shoulder, but I refused to do anything. I couldn't. Their hands slowly went underneath my elbows and pulled me up off the ground.

"Alistair," I whispered, "please come back."

"He's gone." My legs gave in again, but this time there was someone to catch me. Their arms were strong and held me up even when I was falling to pieces.

"Why, why, why?" I tried to hide in their shoulder as I started talking nonsense. My tears were staining their shirt, but they didn't seem to care. I was uttering whatever was streaming from my head, not even trying to concentrate for the fear of thinking of him.

They silently helped me walk to my room and helped me into the bed. They didn't try to make empty promises, didn't try to lie about how everything will be fine. I continued to cry, as if there was no stopping the tears from falling. They sat down beside me and brushed my hair with their fingers. I knew whoever it was was trying to cheer me up, but nothing would help me.

"He blamed me as he left, he left accusing my love for him," my voice croaked and I was finding it harder to breathe. "I love him so much, I thought he loved me too." My face was streaked with what make up I wore as my tears ruined everything. I laughed in spite of everything, thinking of how fate is filled with so much irony.

"If he could not trust you, he didn't deserve you." When I could finally see through my blurry eyesight, I found Zevran staring at me with sad eyes as well. He didn't smile at me, like he usually does, he just looked as heartbroken as I did. His shirt was smeared with my black mascara and a bit purple from my eyeshadow, and I couldn't help but smile.

"Even if he doesn't deserve me, he will always have me." I choked on my words. "My heart... it will always... be... his."

"Shush, my Warden. Try and think of other things for now, yes?" I wanted to cry more, to hide in the corner and be alone, but I knew better than to wallow in self-pity. Zevran continued to caress my hair, his touch was comforting and I knew he was trying to help me.

"Thank you Zevran," I smiled at him, "you are a better friend than I deserve."

"Nonsense." He looked a little angry, but he stayed by my side.

"I don't deserve to have friends like you or Morrigan or Leliana or Sten or Ohgren. All of you are true friends to me."

"Say no more. You need your sleep for tomorrow." Zevran leaned over and kissed my forehead.

"Dream of killing the Archdemon for me," I chuckled. I could tell that I stopped crying by this point, but I felt the same, just broken in pieces that can't be put back together.

Zevran smiled, "Dream of nothing but happiness. If there was any one who deserves it, it would be you."

"I wish I could, but I don't think I can." I felt my lips tremble slightly and I tried to hide in the pillow. Zevran sighed before he pulled the covers over me.

"I know you can get past this, my Warden. You are strong."

"All I see is Alistair. I want to take back everything, I want him to stay by my side. Every time I close my eyes, I see him." I could feel my eyes tearing up again, but I tried to hold them back.

"He will be with you always, that I can see, but you must stay strong."

I snorted. "One would think that the hero has everything they could dream of; the love of their life, the will of the people, the riches of the world, and that they would never be sad." I smiled into the pillow, "this is some wake up call."

"Do you want me to stay, to keep you company tonight so you won't be alone?"

I looked up from the pillow to look Zevran in the eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I felt a tear fall across my face. "Do you think that he will know that if I pray hard enough?"

Zevran stared at me and said nothing. His stare was sad, but I knew that he would be my friend no matter what would happen. I smiled at him before I closed my eyes and let sleep take me.

...

I saw him at my side. I felt like something was wrong, but I ignored the feeling. I cuddled against him and felt his heat around me. His hair was messy and his golden eyes smiled before he kissed me and said he loved me. I clung to him, feeling like I wouldn't see him again but I didn't know why. His tan arms curled around me and I could feel his muscles rippling under his skin.

"Alistair, I love you so much. I'm sorry." I felt tears trying to break through my eyelids, but I didn't know why I was apologizing.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" I saw his face watching mine with concern. He tried to get up, but I wouldn't let him.

"I don't know. I feel so sad, so broken. I am so sorry." I clung onto his wrist, as if I was trying to keep him close. I heard his voice trying to calm me down, but I kept staring at his wrist, and I gripped it tighter.

...

I woke up to find myself alone in bed. I looked to the side to find Zevran sleeping in a small chair. My tears seemed to have a mind of their own, because I sure didn't want to cry anymore. When I was awake to finally remember everything that happened yesterday, the tears fell.

"Alistair. You will always have my heart. I wish you could see that."

Zevran stirred slightly and I found myself staring at him again. He smiled a bit before he got up and guided me to get something to eat. The food tasted like ash in my mouth, and I went back to my room.

I grabbed a piece of paper and a quill. I wrote his name, I drew his face, I cried some more. The paper was wet with tears, but I grabbed more paper and wrote what I couldn't say to him. I wrote to Alistair how I wished it all back and wanted him by my side. I held the quill so hard that it cut into my fingers and I found myself writing in my own blood. The dark red writing, the tear-stained paper, all of it made me wish for him more.