Disclaimer: JK owns all.
Rating: T, just because it sounds like a good idea, and I forget everything that I wrote already, just to be safe.
This is going to be just a oneshot, as all my writing seems to be, ADD problems can cause that. And the fact that I write out what would make an entire plot into one chapter, I'm amazing like that, hah. Anyways, I may write more for this, depends on how I am feeling, but alas for now it shall be a Oneshot. x
I feel like I've fallen from a state of grace.
I know that I can't run from my mistakes.
Where do you go when you've gone too far.
You open up your arms.
I wanna believe that;
Love has the heart to take me home.
Take me back home.
Take Me Back Home – Greg Raposo
Back Home
I was never very smart, well no I've always been ridiculously smart. But, I've never been good, that is the right word, good when it comes to personal relationships, and intimacy. I get this bossy, know it all, I have all the right answers, and any fight we have I will win type of attitude thing that really comes out at times. Hell, who am I kidding it comes out all the time. It comes out with my friends, with my family, with my second family as I like to call them, with my co-workers, with my boss, and even with my boyfriend.
And why they have always put up with my attitude, I do not even know, and can't even begin to fathom the answer to that. If I was them, I would have cursed me into the next century within days. But they used to need me, and I suppose they grew to love me in their own special ways. But I continue to complicate my own life, with my security issues, my fear of intimacy, and my trust problems. My boyfriend wouldn't deal with my problems forever, especially not him being who he was. But that was the root for my advanced issues when it came to him.
I sighed and turned to look at myself in the mirror, it wouldn't do me any good to over analyze everything, every morning. Things needed to change, I needed to change. And I knew it needed to happen as soon as was earthly possible. I would start today, and I would make everything ok between me and him again. I would make my friends main parts of my life again. I would stop staying late at work, and stop going in early. I would call my mum more. I would visit my second family's home for Christmas like they asked. I would stop being so anal.
I smirked to myself in the mirror.
"I am Hermione Granger. I am 23 bloody years old, and I've finally grown up."
I sighed, knowing that it wasn't the truth, and possibly never would be true. I would always and forever be the damn know-it-all bookworm anal bitch, for lack of better word; I was all 7 years at Hogwarts. Even the war couldn't change me, and make me realize just what I had and to be grateful that I did have as much as I do. No, the war had changed so many people, for the better I might add, except me. I had changed drastically, and for the worse. I had gotten bossier, I had gotten bitchier, I had gotten down right rude and hateful. But maybe, just maybe that was why he stayed with me. I resembled a part of the life he once knew, and maybe if I changed he would leave me anyways. It was inevitable, I'm an over analyzer, and I have serious problems, major problems, catastrophic even.
But it is time for a change, and I would start to get my life back under control, I need them more than they think. Well, that is because I made them all think I needed no one, and wanted none of their help. But I've been lost for 6 years now, 6 long years since the war has ended, and I've only managed to fall deeper into nothingness.
"I'm pathetic," I mumble to myself and turn from the mirror quickly. Anger flashed through me, anger at myself for hurting so many people that only wanted to care about me.
"You aren't pathetic, love," a voice from the door drawls slowly, my shoulders stiffen as I look up, there he is, the man I'm in love with. My eyes soften as I look at him, blonde hair falling into his gray eyes, arms crossed over his chest, and that smirk, that damn smirk he will never grow out of. And my heart aches, for the pain he has been through, and all that I have added to it. I feel my eyes start to water as I wring my hands together.
"I am so sorry," I choke out, "I am so sorry, sorry." I am not sure how many times I repeat it, I can still feel my lips moving, but I'm not sure if sound is coming out anymore. Confusion seems to flash into his eyes, and then doubt and anger.
"For what?" He says harshly, and I flinch but I know I deserve it. I've been with him for 3 years, and not once have I ever said I love you to him; I've taken his strength and compassion for granted. I've turned into what he used to be, cold, heartless and insecure.
"For everything," I sob out, the tears are streaming steadily down my cheeks now, and I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to make him realize that I care, that I can't live without him.
"Everything…" The confusion is back in his eyes, and his voice. The anger seems to be momentarily gone, but I know it will return, lately it always has been there. I know he's getting fed up with my antics, and I can't say I blame him one bit.
"The past 12 years." I choke out, as I wipe furiously at the traitorous tears that won't stop falling. His eyes seem to soften now; I think maybe he understands and has been waiting for this. He has always been empathetic when it comes to me, always knew when to yell, when to whisper, when to hold me and when to let me be alone. He's perfect for me, why hadn't I seen it sooner. "I am so sorry, for everything," I start to sob again, and I feel pathetic again.
"You have no reason to be…" I hold up a hand stopping him from finishing that sentence, I know it's a lie. I have every damn reason in the world to be sorry, especially to him. He takes a step towards me, and I falter slightly, but I know I need to continue, I need to get everything out.
"I've let my life slip by, I've let myself be warped by hate and bitterness and loss. I've let it all consume me, to a point I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror anymore Draco." His eyes soften then, as they have lately whenever he looks at me, and it hurts me even more. "I've taken so much for granted," I continue, "I've taken you for granted, more specifically. And I can see how much it's been affecting you lately. You grew up with people surrounding you, just like I have turned into. Angry, hateful, bitter, upset all the time, vengeful. And I don't want to do that to you anymore," the tears start again as I falter slightly, stumbling over my thoughts. "I've hurt you."
"I'm stronger than that love," he whispers softly, and I just can't understand how he can care so much about, someone as ugly as I am on the inside.
"That isn't the point Draco," I force out, and it comes out harsher than I intended, "I am sorry, I didn't mean to raise my voice, I don't mean to do a lot of things I do. Like not call my mum, and refuse to go to Christmas at the Weasley's house, and make up excuses for going out with the gang and you. I just, I feel so ugly Draco, and so lost." I feel the self pity welling up inside me, and I know it's wrong, I push it away instantly, angry with myself, "And I hate myself, and my self pity act," I know he needs to hear these things, but more importantly I need to say them, and I know he understands that, so he only nods his head, keeping silent. "I know you lost so much during the war, but you found yourself too, didn't you tell me that, the day it happened. That night when I found you, up on that hill at Hogwarts, looking over the water, with that smile on your face," I could feel myself getting choked up by the memory.
"6 years ago, I was a different person than I am now, that is true." He said simply.
"And I walked up to you, and I stood next to you, just staring at you, wishing I knew what was making you so happy." I said, smiling at him now, remembering what had happened next.
"And you asked me, more like demanded to know; I believe you said 'What has got your face looking so humanly euphoric, ferret.' And I looked at you, and for the first time in my life, ever, I saw true innocent beauty that had been crushed by darkness, I saw defeat on your face and I felt my heart break." He said slowly, shaking his head as if wishing the memory away, his blonde hair twisting across his face.
"And I never told you, but that was the day you saved me Draco, from destroying myself completely. I went up that hill to wallow in self pity, in anger, in sadness, but you were there and I saw happiness on your face, and I knew that it was possible. But as the years went by, I never felt like myself again, I was always a bit bossy," his eyebrow rose at his, and I glared at him, "ok, I was always very bossy, but my bossiness turned into bitterness, and bitchiness. I don't want that. I want to hug Harry again, I want to laugh and fight with Ron again, I want to shop with Ginny, and talk with Luna. I want to hug Molly and explain muggle things to Arthur. I want to chase Teddy around, and buy him toys." I said slowly, the tears returning, as I finally realized all I have been missing out on.
"Then why don't you," he said, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. And that's when I finally got it, it was the simplest thing, it was what my life should have been like the past 6 years, I have wasted so much time. I smiled at him now, and ran to him, throwing my arms around him and hugging him to me tightly. He sighed in my arms and hugged me back, I felt reassurance whenever I was around him, and that was why I loved him, the way he helped me, held me, saved me, and loved me, he was my savior.
"Draco," I said softly, pulling away from him slightly, but his arms tightened around me, and I felt his body shake, I got worried then, I tried to pull away harder this time.
"No, no don't," his voice seemed small, and scared. I heard sadness, and fear in his voice, and I hadn't heard that in years. His arms tightened around me even more, and he pulled me closer to him, burying his face into my neck, and I felt it then, cold, wet, tears falling onto my neck and shoulder. He was crying.
My arms instinctively tightened around him, and I felt my chest clench, this was my fault.
"I am so sorry Draco, I am sorry, sorry." I nearly screamed into his ear, he flinched at the loudness of my voice so close to him, but I couldn't think straight now, I felt so much pain welling up inside of me, and I felt like I was going to burst. "I am so sorry," I repeated again, and again. He started to sob now, his body shaking within my arms, as the tears fell harder from his eyes, and I hated myself for all I had put him through.
"I thought I was going to lose you," he whispered hoarsely into my ear, and understanding dawned on me. I cried with him then, cried for all the people that were lost, for all the people that found love and happiness, for all the children safe from the world, for all the children without parents. For Draco Malfoy, the boy who had been through hell. For Harry Potter, the boy who had lived in hell. For Ron Weasley, the boy who was never made for withstanding hell, but did anyways. For Ginny Weasley-Potter, the girl who never gave up hope. I cried for all my friends, my family, my co-workers. I cried for the love of my life, for the pain of my past, for the hope of my future. I held Draco, and he held me, for what seemed like hours, as we emptied our souls of all the pain we had been holding on to.
"I've been so scared Mia, and I didn't want you to know, but I've been so damn scared," he whispered softly, I could barely hear him, and I knew, I knew there was still more I had to say.
"Draco," my voice sounded small to my ears, foreign, yet familiar. His grip tightened, and memories flashed into my mind like a lightening bolt, shocking me where I stood. Memories of; the troll in first year, the chamber in second year, Sirius and Remus, the dragon and the black lake, punching Draco, and kissing Draco. My heart ached for all that I had missed over the past years, but I felt hope for the first time in a very long time.
"Hermione," his voice finally pulled me back and he was looking at me now, worry etched across his face, and I smiled at him.
"I love you, ferret." His eyes seemed to lighten by a few degrees, and he smiled, just like that night on the hill. My heart flutter in my chest, and nervous butterflies took flight within my stomach. I was back, I was alive, and I was going to be alright.
I kissed his nose softly, and then ruffled his hair. He seemed relieved, and stunned, and happy, all mixed together. And he seemed overloaded with emotion. I just stood there, his arms wrapped loosely around my waist, my hands placed gently on each side of his face, and I smiled at him.
"I love you too, bookworm." He said softly, pulling me into a tight embrace, and then I heard a voice I hadn't heard in forever, and I peeked over Draco's shoulder, thinking I was losing my mind. But there they stood, Harry with a smile on his face, his green eyes all knowing as ever, and Ginny with her long flaming hair, tears streaming down her face. Ron had that goofy grin I love plastered to his face, and Luna's blue eyes held acceptance, understanding, and love. My life. Were the words that came to mind, when I looked at them.
"Hermione," Harry said softly again. Draco let me go then, and stepped to the side. I stood there, stunned and shocked. And then I ran, right into his arms, and hugged him tightly, as the tears fell again. And then I felt arms wrap around me from all directions, and I held on tight, refusing to let go, refusing to give this up ever again.
"I missed you Harry," I whispered into his ear.
"I missed you too, Mione. We all did," he whispered back, his arms tightening around me. And I held on, for dear life, hoping never to fall from grace again, never wanting to go back into the consumption of darkness, that grave, dark place I had dwelled for so long.
"Alright, alright, let my lovely girlfriend go already Potters, Weasleys," Draco's voice drawled from behind me, and we all laughed. A mixture of laughter, that filled my heart with so much joy, I felt I was going to burst.
"I love you all," I said loud enough for them all to hear, nearly shouting. I need them to know, to understand, to accept. And my heart flutter and warmed even more as they did.
"We love you too," chorused throughout my bedroom, and my cheeks felt like they were going to rip apart, as my smile widened even more. I felt the ice begin to melt around my heart, as I slipped from their arms and back into Draco's. I looked up at him, and I smiled at him as his arms tightened painfully around my waist. I didn't even flinch though, I didn't care, the pain was a welcome feeling right now it was a comfortable pain. It was a healing pain that coursed through my entire body.
And there it was, Home, I saw the hope of it shining within his eyes, which were no longer dull or filled with anger, nor worry. His eyes were bright and beautiful, they were intoxicating and I never wanted to look away again, I was finally back home. I felt at home within their arms, within this house, within their lives and most importantly I felt at home in my body, in my mind, in my heart and in my soul. I was home, and I was whole again.
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