Chapter 1: Rightful Duty

Rong Wang Fei, Zhi Hua sat still, looking at her mirror reflection as her maid did her hair. At thirty-five, she knew she did not look the age. Her hair still flowed like a shiny dark river down her back when she let it. Her lips were red even without artificial colour; her lower lip was fuller than was usually considered pretty, but not too full as to make it look disproportionate from the rest of her face. Her brows were always more straight than curved, but they went well with her long lashes and eyes a deepest black.

With a keen sense of regret that her younger self never expected to feel, Zhi Hua admitted that she was probably more attractive than she would have liked. To normal women this wouldn't have been a problem, but for her, it seemed now like a curse. She knew her father-in-law, Emperor Qian Long, had given up on getting her to remarry. After the three-year mourning period of her husband, Wu Ah Ge, Rong Qin Wang, Qian Long had approached her, subtly at first, then with increasing exasperation and demand, with suggestions of marriage to numerous eligible young men of high ranks in court. However, Zhi Hua refused them all. That didn't mean the offers or the longing looks men sent her way stopped coming, though. Zhi Hua knew, her connections with Lao Fo Ye, her youth, looks and talents, for years, made her one of the most sought after in court, though she was a widow.

So this was the life that she was to have. Zhi Hua knew she chose this life. Yet for the life of her, she still could not understand how she, Chen Zhi Hua, the prettiest, the most talented and accomplished of her sisters, had ended up in this situation. Looking back at her life now, Zhi Hua could only wonder how time could have passed so quickly yet dragged so slowly.

She had met him at seventeen and married him only four months later. Barely a year later, he was gone from her life. When she accepted to marry him, she had known that then, he did not love her. Still, she was so sure that his heart could change. How could it not have? Zhi Hua couldn't understand how he had managed to resist her every charm. She was in every way better than Xiao Yan Zi. She was younger, prettier, more educated, more talented, and obviously Lao Fo Ye had no disapproval of her. Every factor seemed to be in her advantage, and somehow, he still slipped from her grips.

Even as these thoughts went through her mind, there was a different, nagging voice that had snuck in and it told her she was lying. No, she knew. He had left her because she had gambled and had lost. It was a gamble that she regretted from the deepest corners of her heart. The gamble wasn't in marrying him, but in trying to get him to stay with her by throwing herself against the closet while she was pregnant. Losing the baby boy had brought excruciating pain, not least because he had been her last hope of keeping Yong Qi beside her, of winning in the competition for his heart against Xiao Yan Zi. Of course, she suffered the loss of the baby for the baby himself, and was duly comforted by the fact that Yong Qi had thought it was his fault; he was attentive to her. That only lasted until he managed to make her confess the truth, however, that she had harmed herself on purpose just to draw his attention. It was no doubt the biggest mistake of her life and her only relief was that he didn't tell anyone about it; her life would not be so comfortable now otherwise.

Zhi Hua never let herself dwell much on the loss of her baby, not when she knew it was this that was final push that took him away from her. Dwelling on it would only force her to face that fact that after all, it was her own fault, and that perhaps she never deserved his love in the first place.

She understood, if she let herself think about it - which she didn't - why he left her. Why he left everything else, she could not understand.

Maybe it would have been better for her if she could convince herself that he was dead, but she knew he was not. People did not just drop dead, especially not when a month before they had been planning to escape their life forever. Zhi Hua could not understand how Qian Long had tolerated this. Yong Qi was Wu Ah Ge, he was Rong Qin Wang. His duty and his responsibilities were here, as the prince he was born to be. How could Qian Long had let him go without any regret? It was against every principle that Zhi Hua had been brought up with. No, you did not just abandon your duties, certainly not for something as fickle and as unreliably intangible as a feeling.

Yet he had done it. He had left his life, title, prospects as heir to the throne, and most importantly, he had left her, for another woman. Zhi Hua had never felt so betrayed as when he hugged her that night before he left, when she was begging for him to stay. She did not know if that one moment when he volunteered some sign of affection for her was due to pity or to duty. Certainly it wasn't because he felt anything back for her. Soon after her marriage began, Zhi Hua had painfully realised that she could not hope to win his heart. The loss of her baby only took away her last hope.

She knew she had lost in this fight against someone Zhi Hua never dreamed she could have lost to. She had been so confident that in the end, she could make him realise that everything he had waiting for him was not worth throwing away for someone like Xiao Yan Zi. After all, had not Lao Fo Ye, who lived most her life in the palace, told her that men could never resist someone like her? She knew that was true of course, after all the suitors she had after he "died". No man could resist her, but her charms were useless on the one man who mattered.

Now, Zhi Hua could only laugh bitterly at her naïvety in putting all her faith in that piece of experience. He did resist her, but Zhi Hua could not blame herself for marrying him, nor could she regret it. It was what she was born to do; her family had always wanted this for her. She was brought up to look for the highest position she could reach. Perhaps her dreams had not involved this, but she had done her duty, even if it did not end the way she expected it. She did her duty, unlike him who left his behind for Xiao Yan Zi.

Xiao Yan Zi.

Zhi Hua could not think of that name without feeling overwhelming resentment. She did not know where she went wrong. She still could not see the appeal he found in Xiao Yan Zi. How could someone like him, brought up among the finest ladies of the country, brought up to revere and appreciate the female accomplishments, be so blindly taken in by someone so uncouth, so without talent, without every sense of propriety, without everything that made a lady, someone like Xiao Yan Zi?

Zhi Hua thought about the night when he did come to her to consummate their marriage; it was months after their wedding. It was the night the baby was conceived. She knew he did not come because he wanted to. The look on his face said it all. This was his duty. She was his wife, no matter how he tried to deny it, and he had his duty to her, as she had, afterwards, to not marry after his "death".

Duty.

Duty was something that Zhi Hua knew all too well. She was brought up in it and she knew how to carry it out. That night, she knew she should be glad that he had enough of a sense of duty to come to her at all. Still, in that one moment, Zhi Hua's eighteen-year-old heart took over her head and she desperately wished he was there because he felt something other than duty. Whatever it might be, she didn't care; she could have even accepted compassion for her situation, as long as it wasn't duty. Of course, her wishes were in vain. She knew as she let him in her room that night that it was duty which brought him there. It was not compassion, not even pity, and certainly not love.

Love.

He said he loved Xiao Yan Zi. Zhi Hua could never comprehend it. What was love if it was not for the right person? She refused to believe that something that had neither form nor substance such as love could be so strong to break through a sensible man's reason and make him blindly abandon everything he had. What power did Xiao Yan Zi have over him to make him lose every principle of his upbringing? Zhi Hua knew she loved him, so why was her love put on a lower shelf than Xiao Yan Zi? Why was her love barely acknowledged by him when she wanted what was best for him, when she was ready to help him to be what he was meant to be, to reach the highest honour he could reach?

Her heart only broke a little more every time she considered these questions. Love was about doing what was best for him, was it not? It could not be the selfishness that Xiao Yan Zi called love. Love did not involve pulling him away from his life, from everything that was meant to be his, only for your own comfort. Love did not involve making him leaving everything just to divulge in some sense of bliss falsely created, somewhere away from duty and responsibilities. Love did not involve running away.

She, Zhi Hua, loved him. Xiao Yan Zi did not. To Zhi Hua, Xiao Yan Zi wanted the security of a man in her life, and he was the one who put up with her, who stuck with her, despite every disapproval he got from one the of most influential figures of his life. So she selfishly held on to him, ignorant of every sense of principle, of his duties, of who he really was.

All that Xiao Yan Zi saw in him was security she could probably never get anywhere else.

To Zhi Hua, however, he was Wu Ah Ge. He was her prince. Zhi Hua knew he could never be free of the position he was born to. Only Xiao Yan Zi was foolish enough to see a man devoid of every image of the prince in him. It was an illusion that Xiao Yan Zi had obviously put up in her fight to bring that image of the man to herself. If Xiao Yan Zi fought for that image of the man, Zhi Hua had fought for the reality of the prince he was.

So how could it have gone wrong? How could she have lost?

Zhi Hua asked herself, but only a silence answered her.

Xiao Yan Zi sat at her dressing table and glanced at her husband by the bed through the mirror, the hair brush forgotten in her hand. There was a small frown on his face as he leaned against the bed post, deep in thought. He had been rather quiet all day and Xiao Yan Zi knew why. He was always more pensive on this day, every year. In fact, they all were: him, Xiao Yan Zi, Xiao Jian, Qing Er.

Xiao Yan Zi bit back a sigh; she knew Ai Qi had given up a lot to be here with her. He had sacrificed more than she ever really had the right to ask and it was only until the sacrifices had been made that she really saw how significant they were. She knew it was selfish of her to have pulled him away from everything he could have had. Yet, at the time, she was so young and all she knew then was that the palace where he belonged, she did not. After six years of living there, in the end she still had to leave. Was it wrong of her to take Ai Qi with her, despite the fact that he was willing?

Surely if they'd stayed, he would one day succeed his father to the throne and eventually she'd be put on a position that she knew she never could want. He would tower above her and be taken so far away from her; Zhi Hua, too, would be over her. She knew if they'd stayed, everything about them would have to suffer. It wasn't even her jealousy that would make it suffer. Xiao Yan Zi knew that if they'd stayed, sooner or later she would have had to accept Zhi Hua's presence. Yet Zhi Hua wouldn't disappear even if Xiao Yan Zi did find a way to feel resigned about her. The thing that would ruin their bond would be the constant reminder of a third person between them, of the fact that with his family, she was never good enough, she was never worthy of him, not as Zhi Hua was.

Here, Xiao Yan Zi knew neither of them could totally escape the guilt that surrounded their decision to leave everything. He probably could never be completely happy in the palace, not when he knew she was miserable there. Yet he could never be completely happy outside of the palace either, not when he could never forget what he was born into and the duties he left behind.

Duty.

The word always sounded bitter to Xiao Yan Zi. It was as much duty as saving Xiao Jian's life that Ai Qi married Zhi Hua. It was duty that made her suppress all her heartbreak and push him out of her room to make him settle his marriage with Zhi Hua.

It was his duty that they left behind. It was his duty to Xiao Yan Zi to make her happy, but he was Zhi Hua's husband as well and had that same duty to her. Perhaps he had less of an obligation to Zhi Hua after she hit her eight-month pregnant self against the closet, resulting in the birth of a stillborn baby boy, but that did not lessen the fact that she was still his wife, for better or for worse. It didn't change the fact that they also left behind his duties to his position in life, to his family, to his father, to his country.

So was it the right thing? Of course not.

Was she merely being selfish? Was staying, resigning themselves to their lives, had been the right thing? She had asked herself this many times, but sometimes she wondered whether the fact that she had yet to settle on an answer was just a part of her own denial.

Ai Qi suddenly looked up from his reverie and their gazes met through the mirror. After all these years, she had learned to interpret every change in expression and knew by the darkening of his gaze that he was worried about her troubled expression. She watched as he crossed the room to stand behind her; he grasped her shoulder and pulled her up so that they stood face to face. She took both his hands in hers and clutched them tight.

"Have you ever regretted it?"

After seventeen years, this was the first time Xiao Yan Zi had ever asked him this question, though it was something that both of them thought of nearly everyday. Even as she asked, the tremble of her own voice reminded her that she was more afraid of his answer than she was willing to admit. He seemed to understand it too, because he gave her hands a squeeze.

"No, Xiao Yan Zi. No. I never will."

Her first instinct was to wonder whether he had said this just in comfort. After all, it was so easy to lie, and surely if he felt opposite, he could not possibly tell her that now. However, she knew he deserved better than her doubt. She really had no reason to doubt him; there was a deep conviction in his voice that told her that whatever else he might regret, he would never regret choosing her.

Still, choosing her was only the proverbial tip of the iceberg. There were so many implications underneath the surface, and she knew them all now, having been haunted by them for all this time, wondering to herself how it was that she had ever allowed him to leave.

"But you don't feel free. I know you don't."

He didn't answer to that right away, but only raised her hands and pressed them both against his heart. The familiar, comforting touch told her again just how much she had come to depend on him, how very much he meant to her, how very much she loved him with a passion that only seemed to increase through the years as she learnt to appreciate his every sacrifice for how great they really were.

"No," he finally said. "But Xiao Yan Zi, I always knew there would be memories. I knew there would always be guilt, that I would never be able to forget what I left behind. I was aware of everything that I was leaving: my family, my father, everything I've been brought up to honour, including duty, filial piety. Leaving was not exactly the right thing but then neither was staying and hurting all of us. It would not be fair to Zhi Hua, to make her have to witness our love. It would not have been fair for you to have to put up with the pain and the heartbreak, all for me. Leaving might had given Zhi Hua a chance for a new life, but I wonder if she took that chance."

Xiao Yan Zi fought against the instinctive resentment and odd pity that always threatened to overcome her every time she thought about Zhi Hua, who was always a painful subject for both of them. There wasn't a day that went by that Ai Qi didn't feel guilty for Zhi Hua and Xiao Yan Zi was well aware of it. Zhi Hua might have done a foolish, stupid thing that resulted in killing her own child, but they both knew it was for his love. Xiao Yan Zi allowed herself to feel sorry for Zhi Hua.

The resentment came every time she thought of what Zhi Hua was to Ai Qi. She knew, of course, that they had done what they had to do when Ai Qi married Zhi Hua. They made the decision that had to be made. Still, it didn't stop her heart from breaking when he married Zhi Hua, it didn't stop her jealousy as she realised that her husband could never be completely hers. It didn't help drive away her pain when Zhi Hua conceived her husband's child. She could not even feel relief or rejoice when Zhi Hua lost that child, as she knew all too well what that was like.

All of it didn't stop her, now, from feeling guilty for having pushed Zhi Hua into a miserable life.

Xiao Yan Zi knew that Zhi Hua would never remarry. She knew that Zhi Hua would realise that Ai Qi could not possibly be dead. Possibly, in her own way, Zhi Hua did love Ai Qi.

No, Xiao Yan Zi corrected herself, Zhi Hua loved Wu Ah Ge, with all the capital letters, but he was Ai Qi now.

Xiao Yan Zi looked into Ai Qi's eyes. He loved her. She knew that. He had done more than prove it over the years. She never truly doubted it, really, even when he married to Zhi Hua. She knew why he had done it, and that it was not out of love. Now, she knew more than ever that his heart had always been hers and will always be. Still, the question bothered her.

"Why? Why did you leave? And don't say it's because you love me, because I love you as well, and if you'd stayed, you know I would never leave, not like that. You really did have a choice."

He pulled her closer to him before saying in the utmost serious tone, "I had a choice between duty and love, between my head and my heart. Xiao Yan Zi, you are more precious to me than anything I had in the palace, title, prospects, money, yes, even duty. Given a choice, people will always choose what is most precious; that doesn't necessarily make the decision the right one. I'm not sure what the right choice is, you know. Both choices were painful to make and both would result in some amount of regret. I won't deny that the catalyst was what Zhi Hua did, because after that, I couldn't trust her anymore. If she was prepared to go that far to win me, what wouldn't she do to you? If we'd stay, she'd be a constant reminder of pain for both of us. I don't think I could have dealt with that and neither could you."

His eyes had been faraway, lost deep in memories, and he finished speaking with a sigh that seemed to contain all the regrets of the years. When he looked into her eyes, however, there was nothing but devotion in his gaze.

"It wasn't about right and wrong, Xiao Yan Zi. I know you don't belong in the palace, and I don't belong where you do not. Without you, my life would have been an existence for duty, for the position I was born into. Wu Ah Ge could never really live, you know, not when everything that is expected of him would be duty. Duty could never be a life. I met you and realised that what it was to live; it was not a life I could have had as Wu Ah Ge. Oh, how I wanted my life with you! If I never knew what life was like, I would never crave it like I did. But I did find out, and it would have been excruciatingly painful to go back to the existence before I met you."

She circled her arms around his neck and let the wave of memories wash over her. "Wu Ah Ge…when was the last time we heard those three words?"

"A long time ago, in a different existence," Ai Qi smiled slightly.

Before this night, they had never really ever talked about their current situation and how different it was from the life they could have had. The topic was like a giant elephant that was just left to its own devices in their life, wrecking whatever havoc on their emotions one at a time.

Xiao Yan Zi, Ai Qi, Qing Er and Xiao Jian had all accepted their lives as they were. Xiao Yan Zi knew, in one way or another, they were all trying desperately to forget the past, to run away from the reality that there was a lot more to their simple life than met a stranger's eyes. She wondered how their children would react if they ever knew the truth of who they were, of who their parents were. Yet she also knew, like they had made a decision to leave, they could not have made the decision to reveal the whole truth to their children unless completely necessary. It would only turn their lives upside down too.

"In a way," Ai Qi mused, "I did do my duties to you, to make you happy and give you the life you deserve, to be yours entirely. I could not have done that in the palace. You don't deserve a life where you are met with resentment and disapproval everywhere you turned. I could never completely be yours there. My duty to the children to give them the comfort and carefree childhood they deserve could never be carried out in the palace, in the tension we were trapped in. Growing up in the palace, no matter how many wives your father has, can be rather miserable. There is always the tension, the jealousy, the subtle wars, from all sides. The palace means a struggle for power. I could never have let them grow up in that environment. Perhaps I failed in my duties to my father but I must had done something right to deserve you, to have the life I have now with you, with the children. Both are my rightful duties, but I could only choose one. I refuse to regret it, Xiao Yan Zi."

"Are you happy then?"

"I am. Oh, Xiao Yan Zi, I only knew what happiness was when I met you. Happiness can only be when you have a life to be happy about. My life is with you. We were both miserable in the palace, with Zhi Hua between us. Perhaps she will never be gone; we would still have to remember her presence, somewhere in our past. The past is the past, we cannot change it. But, love, the life I want, the life I need, is with you. Trust me, Xiao Yan Zi, I am a lot happier here, knowing that you are away from sources of pain and heartbreak. I am happy with you, with our children. No one could ever be completely free of something in their past that they regret. We cannot escape that. But that does not mean we cannot be happy, alongside with that past."

Xiao Yan Zi allowed his words and the warmth and love that came with them engulf her. She wondered how once upon a more foolish time, her younger self could have taken him so for granted. Before Zhi Hua came along, she had always been so eager to prove that she could live without him, but it was only until Zhi Hua invaded her life that Xiao Yan Zi knew she could not. It wasn't a sign of weakness as she always thought, however, she understood that now. After all, what was life without a love like theirs, worth living for?