I own nothing naturally. This is a challenge fic, by the way.
Challenge
Ash bought an one way ticket for one person (Eiji), so he could return to
Japan. This should be a secret till the departure date, but Eiji finds out and
he decide for little revenge, cause he want to show Ash, that he doesn't want
to run away and that he want to help Ash if possible. In this fic, has to be included at least one black cat & Ash and Eiji
should kiss at least once. All ratings allowed
Pain
He'd done it. The ticket seemed to burn in his pocket, but he had given Shuichi the other one, and he didn't trust him or Max with the other ticket. This ticket was a one-way plane trip to Tokyo International Airport, and as Ash set his features, he assured himself that he was doing the right thing.
It didn't feel right though, but not everything could. In only five short months, he had transformed the dynamic of underground New York. He had initiated a war, he had started a process that couldn't be stopped, and he knew that death awaited him. He wasn't going to see nineteen; he wasn't going to see the end of what he had begun.
Opening the apartment door, the eighteen-year-old sighed, and then paused, slipping the paper quickly into his pocket.
Inquisitive brown eyes watched the motion and a man just a bit older looked up from where he had been reading the paper. Ash wondered dimly if the strained look on Eiji's face was from the late-elementary reading comprehension, the world he had been thrust into, or staying up until three in the morning.
"What are you reading?"
The twenty-year-old rose from the sofa and set the paper aside, joining Ash in the kitchenette. "Oh, the front page," Eiji answered offhandedly as Ash began to search for food.
Ash nodded and pulled down some instant coffee.
"Not sleeping?" Eiji gave him a quizzical look.
"Nope," Ash filled the teapot with tap water. "I have work to do."
"You work a lot," Eiji noted quietly, then took down a mug.
"Aren't you going to sleep?" Ash glanced at him as they waited for the kettle to yell.
"No, I wake in three hour anyway," Eiji murmured.
Ash wanted Eiji to go to bed. Seeing him now made him feel weird. He didn't like it at all and besides from the fact that Eiji could die, Ash wanted the man gone so he would feel normal again. He hated this so much. His heart would hurt or make some odd…fluttering feeling that cause him to swallow and feel extremely unsure.
He'd never felt this way before and he didn't like it. He hated not being in charge, and when his heart started these odd feelings, it was clearly leading.
Then the kettle whistled, breaking him from his thoughts.
Eiji took the kettle off the range and poured the water over his dried grounds. Stirring it a bit, he paused then stared curiously at Ash.
Ash blinked then grabbed up the kettle in a swift motion. He'd been staring again. He always seemed to just watch Eiji and everything he did. The man had to go. Not only could Eiji die in this war, but also Ash was losing his mind to something he didn't understand the longer they were together.
"Something wrong?" Eiji inquired watching as Ash's movements became more pensive.
"Nothing," the teen murmured, taking a sip of the coffee.
It had been a week. The wind was picking up and the smell of Halloween was in the air as well. Eiji dimly wondered what would happen at the apartment as he poked around the cleaning supply area, a narrow and tall closet in the bedroom. Pulling out a dusting rag, he saw a multi-colored paper slip out from under it, fluttering to the floor much like a leaf outside.
Bending down, he picked it up, and then his brown eyes widened. He didn't recognize every word, but he did recognize the most important ones.
Okumura, Eiji…November 2, 1985…Flight 1064…New York…Tokyo…
He felt nauseous. After everything he and Ash had been through, the boy had gone and gotten him a one way ticket back to Japan secretly!
Frowning, Eiji's brown eyes narrowed. He didn't want to leave and Ash could not dictate what he could do! They had gone over that so many times and each argument stung in his mind. He hated arguing with the stubborn youth, and didn't want to pursue this new problem.
Tucking it back in the cleaning closet, Eiji paused, and then shook his head, taking it back out. He wasn't sure if he would confront Ash yet, but he could get rid of this ticket.
Marching over to the kitchenette, Eiji began rummaging through a drawer, not bothering to note that for once he was taking charge of a situation.
Finally, he grasped what he wanted and pulled out a red lighter and held the ticket up over the sink. He was not going back to Japan. It was insulting to think that after five months of hell, Ash could expect him to do so. Eiji couldn't even imagine what would happen when he returned to Japan after everything was over, and dimly he wondered if he would ever return, if he would see his next birthday.
Flicking the lighter, he saw flame after ten clicks. Slowly he brought the ticket up and with a deep breath, he touched it to the lighter watching as the flames instantly ignited, the ticket soon a quarter gone, then half, then three quarters then…
"Dammit!" Eiji swore in Japanese, the smoldering ashes falling to the sink with the lighter clicking closed on impact.
Reflexively sticking his index, middle fingers, and thumb into his mouth, Eiji ran the water cold, tears welling at the pain. He hadn't thought to drop the ticket into the sink as planned once it started to burn. He had simply been holding it without thinking.
"Hey, Eiji, whatcha doin'?"
Jumping slightly, Eiji instantly stuck his burnt fingers under the tap, looking over his shoulder as he shifted his body to block the remnants of the ticket. "Er…just cooking…"
"Smells like you're burnin' sumthin'," the blonde lisped as he sniffed the air.
Eiji hoped he wouldn't come towards the sink. "Maybe neighbors are burning supper."
Bones took one last sniff then shrugged. "The detector didn't go off, so I guess it's not too bad."
Detector…? Eiji wondered what the slang meant, hoping that Bones would just go away. Then the slightly younger teen turned to look out at the main room. Quickly Eiji grabbed up the lighter, slipped it into a nearby drawer, and ran the ticket down the garbage disposal.
Ash was not looking forward to this. It was October twenty-eighth and in a few days Eiji would be gone forever. Every time he remembered this, Ash's green eyes cast downward and something inside him hurt so much, he thought for a moment someone had stabbed him.
He just wanted the feeling to stop, for it to go away. He wanted to be in charge of his body again. He couldn't afford to feel pain when there was none. What if he did get shanked eventually? Then what? Would he be able to tell a difference?
Somehow he didn't think it would hurt this bad.
Pushing the thought of the ticket from his mind, Ash knocked on the apartment's door before slipping out his key and unlocking it. His heart did that odd "fluttering" feeling as he thought about how Eiji would be sitting on the couch either reading or asleep, waiting up for him. He had to admit that he liked it.
'But what about after Saturday?' a little voice chided.
Again came the pain and again Ash pushed it away. He should stop thinking about that. It was only a little piece of paper that he stuck in a random closet where he knew Eiji wouldn't go. He'd never even see Eiji look at it.
Opening the door, he looked up as always ready to give a small smile, but then his face faltered.
Eiji wasn't there.
Panic rose in the teenager's throat, but he pushed it away. Eiji was twenty-years-old and certainly not a puppy to tether on a chain. It wasn't giving Eiji credit either to think he'd be captured. He still was too weak and still made mistakes, but he wasn't going to just disappear like that, right?
There was a logical solution to this. It was past three in the morning and Eiji had been staying up late for months now, even before Ash had secured this apartment. So naturally he would go to bed eventually, right?
Taking strides towards the room, Ash pursed his lips. Eiji would be there. If he really had been captured, Bones and Kong most likely would be standing before him with guilty looks.
Finally, he reached the room and peered in. Just as he suspected Eiji lay on his bed, back to the door, sound asleep.
Turning away, he changed into a simple long-sleeved shirt and jeans, keeping his socks on in case he had to run without much warning. It was an old habit from long before Papa Dino found him, even before he pulled Griffin from the Veteran's hospital on Fote Street.
Griff…
Ash's movements became slower, pain and guilt seeping into him. He was the reason that Griffin was dead. If he had never picked that gun up…
Shaking his head, Ash ran a hand over his blonde hair and sighed. This pain was different than the pain he felt over Eiji. This pain was full of sorrow and self-loathing. He hated this pain, but not as much as the other did. This one made sense, the other didn't.
Looking over at Eiji, Ash sighed inwardly. He didn't want to do this to the man. It wasn't fair to either of them if he took Eiji away at this moment.
But he had to. If he didn't now, Eiji would only destroy them.
'You don't know that,' the little voice chided.
Again Ash pushed it away and stretched out on the bed. He had to get up in two hours anyway.
Okay, so it was childish, so what?
Eiji perused the indoor market as he contemplated what he was doing. He had decided to ignore Ash. If he did that then Ash might come to realize that Eiji couldn't leave, or he at least would have to tell him about the ticket.
Right?
Sighing, Eiji placed his purchases on the checkout counter, fishing in his pocket for his wallet. American money at first had posed a slight challenge, but after practicing before coming, Eiji had grasped a basic idea of what the bills looked like and meant, but now he could do it almost as efficiently as an other person in the country. After an argument sometimes it was harder to concentrate, but as long as he kept his head and stayed in "English mode," money counting wasn't too bad.
He had to think of a better way to prove he was needed, a better way to have a long overdue talk about staying in America. Ignoring Ash could work against him and lose all the ground Eiji had gained.
At first, it had scared him of course. It had been about a month ago, maybe just a little over, and Eiji finally was somewhat sure what to make of it.
He liked Ash. Well, more than liked. He knew this feeling, he'd liked girls a lot, but Ash was a boy…
Did that matter? At first, Eiji thought he was a freak. He thought that due to what everyone else around them seemed to want, he had caught it like a disease. Everyone seemed to want Ash; his persona was the type that attracted admirers wherever Ash went. Eiji at first figured that he was caught up in that, but now he wasn't so sure.
Yet, he did have a girl waiting for him back at home. He wasn't sure if she was a "girlfriend" by American equivalent. He called her his "ichuunoonna," which was translated as "girlfriend," but they hadn't had sex or anything. In America when you had a girlfriend, usually you did it, but they never had, so was the translation wrong…?
Clearing his thoughts, Eiji handed over two twenty-dollar bills and a ten, receiving five dollars and ninety cents back in change. Smiling and exchanging pleasantries with the person behind the counter, he left to go back upstairs to their apartment.
Ash made his heart hurt. He knew that feeling too well. Eiji was clueless in love sometimes, but he knew enough to know he at least could have a crush on Ash. The longer he stayed the more sense it made. Perhaps that's why he was being so stubborn, perhaps that was the reason he refused to see the reasoning in going back to Japan to escape death…
He didn't know.
Frowning, he slipped his key into the lock. Tonight was Halloween, two more days and Ash would have to confront him with the ticket. He wondered how that would work, what he would tell Ibé-san.
Of course, the older man would demand Eiji go back with him. He would tell him that this was insane and that Eiji didn't know what he wanted.
No, Eiji did know what he wanted, and that was to stay here forever, even if forever might be a few days or a few months. He wasn't going to live much longer - none of them would. Perhaps Papa Dino would die too, but there was no way he or Ash would survive, they were in much too deep.
"Eiji!"
Looking up, his brown eyes took in the group of about twenty boys gathered at the table. It most likely was another planning session. Avoiding Ash, Eiji spoke to Alex, "Alexu," he spoke trying hard not to end the word in a vowel sound, "I just get groceries. I will put them away then be out of the way."
Alex glanced between Ash and Eiji, neither looking at each other. Resisting letting gout a low whistle at their conscious decisions not to acknowledge each other, he nodded, "You're not in the way, but sure." Glancing at Ash, Alex added, "Don't forget the pictures."
Eiji nodded and went towards the kitchenette. That had been harder than he had thought it would be, but at least Alex had worked with him. He had wanted to look at Ash's face and wonder if he had realized that he needed Eiji around, but that would have been breaking the plan. It was the first time Eiji had seen the teen in the past few days, and at least the no contact idea had worked.
Unpacking the groceries, Eiji noted he had forgotten to take pictures that morning, but at least he could start back up now. It was getting close to noon and at noon the businessmen across the street started entering and exiting the Dino's building for lunch. Placing a bag of Snickers in a bowl, he put it up in the cabinet for later when the apartment children came Trick or Treating. He wondered what it was like to be one of them, to never play outside. He had played outdoors so much as a child, but these children mostly stayed in their homes doing whatever it was they did.
He wondered dimly what costumes he would see. He could remember some of the ones he had seen in the shops downstairs.
Finishing his work, Eiji walked across the main room and changed a glance at Ash.
Green eyes met brown eyes as both observed the other. Eiji instantly looked away, looking as though he had more important things to do than look at Ash right then. He hated it, but it was something he had to do. To make the eighteen-year-old see what was going on; Eiji had to be like this.
Ash watched Eiji go into the room he used to take pictures of the building across the way. He was getting mad. What had he done? Why was Eiji pointedly avoiding him now?
Frowning, Ash glowered at the closed door a moment, then rose from his chair, the talking around him stopping immediately.
"Boss, wha - "
Alex put a hand over Bones' mouth as all the gang watched their leader stalk over to the door, turning the handle.
"Dammit," Ash grouched and then knocked sharply on the door. "Eiji, unlock the door."
Hearing the knock, Eiji glared at the door. If Ash thought he was going to relent, he was wrong. Eiji wasn't going to give in this time.
Flipping on the radio to distract, Eiji sighed at the song playing. It had been the biggest song of the year, but he found it annoying.
"…Time can never mend/The careless whispers of a good friend/To the heart and mind ignorance is kind/But there's no comfort in the truth/Pain is all you'll find…"
Eiji switched it off. He didn't need that song right now. It only seemed to say "Unlock the door and stop this stupid silence!" but Eiji wasn't sure if he wanted to.
Hearing the radio flip on, Ash narrowed his eyes. That was it! He knew now Eiji was definitely deliberately ignoring him now.
Raising a fist to pound on the door, he paused. He had his most trusted gang members in his apartment. He didn't need to start up an argument in front of them when they could be out doing what needed to be done. Eiji could wait for now.
Returning to his chair, he sunk down in it and began talking, getting everything in order.
"Twick or Tweat," two four year olds gazed up at Eiji expectantly. They were both dressed up as bears, one yellow and one red.
Eiji recognized them as the impossible twins that screamed for toys or candy every time they came to the market.
"Here's one for you, Jess," he dropped a Snickers bar into the red bear's bag, "and one for you, James," he gave one of exactly the same size to her brother. Then he braced himself for shouting for some more or fighting over who got the bigger piece.
Instead, he received two large smiles and a chorused "Thank you" before the children scurried off to the next apartment with a paper jack-o-lantern on the door. Stepping back inside, Eiji set the basket on the floor then wandered over to the window. Bones and Kong were in another room talking about something with a few other members who had come over an hour ago. Eiji didn't know what they were discussing, but after hearing beer cans open, he had a feeling it wasn't about whatever Ash had been talking about that afternoon.
He felt miserable. Perhaps his idea had been stupid after all. If he got Ash mad right before the scheduled flight, he might be going regardless.
This wasn't working.
"Here's one for you, Jess…"
Ash slowed at Eiji's voice. What was going on?
Slowly approaching, he raised an eyebrow. There were two little kids in front of Eiji dressed as bears, smiling up at him.
What the hell?
Approaching the door after Eiji closed it, he heard the small voices down the hall bid an older tenant with "Twick or Tweat" then he nodded. Halloween. He hated the holiday. It was made for jack-o-lanterns.
Raising a finger, he prepared to tap the door, then stopped. If he knocked, Eiji would answer, and then he could settle this.
Raising a hand, he knocked gently and meekly as though he was just a little kid.
The door opened and a cheerful voice spoke, "Good eveni - " then it stopped, Eiji staring.
"Hey," Ash spoke calmly.
Eiji's face lost the smile and he stepped back to let the blonde in. Retreating towards the window, he looked down the fire escape, thinking about his options.
Ash eyed him and locked the door, tossing the paper jack-o-lantern into the trashcan. "Are you going to talk to me?"
Eiji winced at the bitter tone. He had thought this could work in the opposite way. Staring out at the cold night, he nodded, "Alright."
Ash started brewing coffee, neither speaking. He didn't know what to say. Only a few days before, he had wanted to talk, wanted to look at Eiji, but now he couldn't say a word or even look at the older man. It was so strange. It only made that pain intensify and guilt seep in. On Saturday he would say goodbye forever. Eiji would go back to Japan and never again would they speak. This was such a petty argument - whatever it was - that it wasn't worth it.
But what could he say? Words were failing him and everything he thought he could say sounded like the stupidest thing in the world.
Eiji stared out the window, his reflection staring back. He needed to get out. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to Ash, he just didn't know what to say to the boy. What could be said? He didn't want to admit to burning the ticket, but he didn't want to hear that Ash had gotten it either. That would be what they would talk about, that had to be what they would talk about.
Stealing a look at Ash's reflection as he worked in the kitchen, Eiji sighed inwardly. Ash wouldn't tell him. It wouldn't be like Ash to tell him about a secret ticket. Most likely Bones and Kong would wake him up on Saturday morning and take him to the airport. Most likely this was the last time he would see Ash…
Well, this was the last time he would see Ash if he had a ticket.
Sighing, Eiji turned his brown eyes to Ash, "I think I will go walk."
The kettle clattered to the floor, accentuated by a curse word and then Ash came into view.
"You're what?"
"Going to walk."
Ash narrowed his eyes, then retrieved their coats from where it hung on the coat rack near the door. "I'll come too."
"But, you just got back," Eiji caught his bomber jacket that Ash tossed to him.
"It's okay," Ash murmured, throwing his coat on, the fuzzy hood tickling his neck before he adjusted how it hung on his shoulders. His glasses were still pushed up on his nose, and he was still in his Ralf Lauren clothes.
Eiji eyed him a moment, then spoke, "Why you want to come?"
Ash didn't answer, just stepped out into the hall and was relieved when Eiji followed.
They walked down into the lobby, the other tenants watching. They all speculated on where they were going. Ash screamed rich boy, and Eiji looked like he came straight from a middle class home. It was apparent that they were going somewhere together and some speculated it might be a motel just for a change from their apartment room.
Ignoring the stares, the young men walked out into the night, exchanging goodbyes with the doorman as they started off towards a small park nearby. The air was crisp and dry, heralding November.
Shivering slightly, Eiji stuffed his hands deeper into the pockets of his bomber jacket. He felt miserable and the cold wasn't helping. If anything it accentuated his behavior. It had been a bad idea come to think of it, and why Ash was walking with him, Eiji didn't know.
Ash didn't know either. Part of him wanted to confess to the ticket, but he knew better. Whatever had set Eiji off was bad enough, he didn't need to make it worse by mentioning what Eiji didn't know yet.
Although his plan was to make Eiji hate him. In that respect it was working, but he felt horrible for it. He didn't like walking with a gap between the two of them, he didn't like the lack of talking, he didn't like the glowering and glares…He wanted it to stop.
Eiji felt his heart wrench. Perhaps he should go back to Japan. After this, most likely Ash would want him gone. This was the stupidest thing Eiji had done…well, not the stupidest, but the stupidest thing he had done that at least could be plausible in Japan. Leading people with guns to a hideout wouldn't have been plausible there, but not talking until someone hated you was.
Then a horrible noise howled from right under his foot and claws swiped out at him. Kicking out reflexively, Eiji heard a sour "meow" as a cat alighted to a wall near them. Hissing, the cat bared its fangs and arched its back in warning, the full moon illuminating its thin black coat of fur.
Eiji stared into the yellowish eyes. The cat was beautiful even if it was looking murderous. Finally, it noted that they were keeping their distance and the cat disappeared over the wall.
"I've heard about them walking across your path, but I don't know what happens when you step on one," Ash stared off at the place the cat had once been.
Eiji looked to him, "In Japan cats mean good fortune."
"Well in America, if a black cat crosses your path, it means bad luck," Ash shifted his weight and glanced at Eiji, "but I don't know what it means to step on one." He grinned then, showing he was only teasing.
"So I do not watch the road," Eiji spoke crossly.
Ash face-faulted. He didn't think Eiji was going to take it the wrong way. Whenever he grinned, usually Eiji knew he was only joking except for on occasion.
'Well, if he's mad already…'
"But it is okay," Eiji spoke quietly as they continued walking through the park. "I was not thinking."
Ash watched the shorter man hang his head, eyes downcast. He wasn't sure what to say to that. Eiji looked as miserable as Ash felt, if not more so. It looked like the ignoring each other was getting to him as much as it was to Ash.
He had to stop this before they both went crazy.
"Eiji, I'm sorry."
Eiji stopped walking and stared, "Pardon?"
Ash, a few steps ahead, turned to look at the Asian, "I said that I'm sorry. I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry."
Eiji stared. Ash shouldn't be apologizing! This was all Eiji's fault for being stubborn and stupid!
"No, I am sorry," Eiji looked down, "I am making mess of everything."
Ash took a step closer, "Of what?"
Eiji fidgeted slightly. He had to tell Ash now. He couldn't get out of it.
"I burned the ticket."
Ash froze. The ticket…? THE TICKET?!
His mind raced. No wonder Eiji had been acting so strange! "So you found - "
"Yes."
This wasn't going to end well. Ash hadn't wanted to be there when Eiji had found out about the ticket. He hadn't wanted to see the look on his face. He hadn't wanted what had been going on the past few days.
"Eiji - "
"Do not tell me it is right," Eiji spoke quietly. "I want to be here. I will stay."
Ash opened his mouth to argue then closed it. What was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to do? He'd tried so many things since the first time he told Eiji to go back home, and none of them ever worked. Eiji just wouldn't go away, as much as Ash knew Eiji should go,
Eiji looked up at him then and sighed, "I do not know anything. Perhaps it is right. I will go." He looked back down at his shoes and then he looked up at Ash again.
"Before I go…" he pursed his lips and then took a few steps towards Ash.
"Before you go wh - " Ash's eyes widened slightly as Eiji closed the gap and brought him into their second kiss, which really in a way was more like a first. Before Ash could fully grasp it or react, Eiji had pulled away and was turning to go back to the apartment.
"Come on," Eiji hid his face from view. He felt his cheeks warm as though his whole face was aglow or he had a horrible fever. He had to do that though. It was for purely selfish motivations, but he wanted one last kiss. If he was going to get on that plane, he wanted to at least remember that, remember the kiss. It wasn't smart and when he met back up with the girl he left behind, it would make the break up harder to explain, but it was something he wanted to remember. He didn't care if it was psychologically bad, but Eiji figured that after all of this he at least deserved one thing for all the hell he had been through.
If he was going to leave, he was taking a souvenir.
Ash's brain whirled. That…That wasn't supposed to happen. His heart was feeling things well beyond the flutters, his whole front ached as though something was instantly missing. Watching Eiji walk away, he felt like the biggest idiot in the entire universe. For a moment everything was forgotten and all he could see was Eiji, who he was about to lose forever.
"Wait - " Ash took a few strides, then grabbed Eiji's arm, the raven-haired man meeting his eyes, the pain coming in one of those shanking pains. It happened whenever their eyes met. It was dull when he would touch him, but if their eyes met…
Eiji's eyes searched his. "What is it?"
Gathering his vocal chords, Ash tried to push the pain away, tried to push his uncertainty away, tried to push his reasoning away. Everything that had told him he needed to send Eiji away, he pushed to the back of his mind then spoke quietly, "I don't want you to go."
Eiji stared. He didn't what?!
"Then why…?" he frowned. This wasn't making any sense. This was one of the time he hated being in America; no one seemed to be able to make up their minds!
Ash looked away then and Eiji thought he saw his cheeks turn pink under in the moonlight. Confused, Eiji just watched as Ash fidgeted slightly.
"Why?" he asked again.
Ash finally looked at him and opened his mouth then closed it. Why couldn't he find any words? Why couldn't he explain anything?!
Why was he so confused?!
Finally, he released Eiji and looked away, "Never mind, just…just don't go yet."
"So I stay?" Eiji looked at him, not quite sure what was going on. One minute Ash want him on a plane going home that weekend and the next he wants him to stay. It was so confusing!
"If you want," Ash murmured quietly.
Eiji's brown eyes took in the young man wondering if he wouldn't just change his mind again, then he blinked. Ash wasn't looking at him and if anything didn't look confident and secure. Always there was a glint in his eyes, a spark of something, he carried himself high and proud unless acting, but Eiji could tell he wasn't acting. Ash looked extremely vulnerable and lost. It only added to the confusion, added to the surrealism of it all.
Then Eiji brightened, a long ago moment coming to him. "I say I stay forever, and I will stay."
Ash looked up then and met his eyes. It was an almost hopeful look, full of questions and uncertainty, and then the confident glint came back and a small smile played onto his fair features. "Yeah you said that once, didn't you?"
Eiji found himself smiling back and then both of them were grinning slightly. They both knew it was doomed, they both knew they'd live only a few months more at most, but Eiji wasn't going to leave and Ash wasn't going to make him leave.
They would be together forever.
The End