How this came about, I don't remember anymore, maybe Fire Seed does since she was there, but…

Well…

I don't own anything!

Uozumi

How to Take Care of Your Archeologist

Ever heard of the plant species known as Danielous Jacksonious or Daniel Jackson or Space Monkey or Danny boy or -

"Jack? What are you doing?"

Jack looked up from what he was typing, blinking a moment, trying to think up a good excuse. "Uh…er…the report!"

Daniel raised an eyebrow. 'Do I really want to know what he's doing?

Space Monkeys can be very odd, usually coming in to my office randomly, one of their random acts of humanism.

"Why does this make me nervous?"

"Because, it's about you," Jack answered the sarcastic, rhetorical question.

"Okay…" Daniel took it nonchalantly, then thought about it. "WHAT?!"

Danny-boys can become sarcastic and unruly for no reason. What is best is to pretend you know nothing of their stress…

"What exactly are you typing anyway?" Daniel narrowed his eyes, watching as Jack's fingers flew across the keyboard, that unsettling smirk on his features.

"It's about you," Jack repeated, deciding that confusion could be the best tactic.

Daniel stared, then advanced towards the computer.

"What are you doing?" Jack watched him step closer.

"I want to see."

"No you don't."

"Yes, I do."

Standing up, Jack shut off his laptop, "You will never know!" he proclaimed loudly, an arm trust in the air.

Then he grandiosely strode from the room, leaving Daniel shaking his head.

Now let's talk about the biggest portion of the time your plant will spend:

Alone in a dimly lit room, books and rocks scattered about, while trying to "unravel" some mystery that perhaps we don't really need to know.

This is the hardest time to care for your plant since he will truly become plant-like. If you let him be, soon his hair will reach the floor, he will grown a ZZ-top beard, and before you know it, turn to stone squinting over some rock.

If you really want him to start being a human-like again, remember to feed him and water him.

Yes, I know that getting him to eat might be tough, and you might be frustrated when only Egyptian mumbo-jumbo comes out of his mouth, but remind him that he is a human no matter how much he wants his hair to grow towards the light of his small desk light.

Coffee is a good sustainer for a while, and your Daniel Jackson will thrive on it for a time when supplemented with cold food, usually left over from when you were there five hours ago.

If this gets frustrating, just wait. Soon a mission will come and soon you will find that that plant of yours isn't really a plant, but possibly a pod person! I mean, who else could stare at a DHD for five seconds and interpret their constellations and the coordinates you need?

They might call this Danious Jacksoni - or whatever I called him…what about wookie? No…that wouldn't work…anyway - They might call him a genius, but he's really just a Space Monkey, and a pod person.

Yet, pod persons aren't that bad as long as you can put up with sarcasm and someone who waits five hours to eat cold food.

THE END

"I can't believe you just wrote that!"

"I can."

"A wookie?!"

"You are kind of fuzzy…."

"JACK!"