A/N: Okay, I know this is overly cliched and kind of ridiculous, but I just wanted to do it so bad, y'all, I couldn't help it. Basically, Rachel ended up having sex with Jesse after he changed schools for her, thus ending up with a bun in the oven. This is split into three lengthy chapters, each detailing three months of the pregnancy. I'm trying to make this realistic as my best friend had a baby a year ago, and I had a detailed look into teen pregnancy.
The title is stolen from the beautiful song "Existentialism on Prom Night" by Straylight Run. Also, this is the smuttiest thing I have ever written, and it isn't even that smutty.
–
'sing me anything'
"Few people dare now to say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is in this way that love begins and in this way only" -Les Miserables
–
November.
She had met him on November the fifth, and that seemed like so long ago now. She could remember the way his eyes had searched her own as if he were looking into the parts of her she never let anyone see. He had gazed at her, and she could not have found it within her to break the connection. He was unlike anything she had ever seen before; his voice, his face, everything about him was different. Then he had begun to sing, and he sang like no one she had ever known. Their chemistry together could have burned the entire library down, and he seemed just as aware of this as her. Neither of them seemed to care that they were supposed to be enemies, the sound of their voices together had just felt so incredibly right.
Of course she knew that having feelings for him was bound to complicate things beyond belief. She just couldn't stand the heart break of waiting around for Finn anymore, not after the past semester. She hated the idea of him now, the idea that he had come so close to having her. She had sacrificed so much for the glee club, so why didn't she deserve her very own stab at happiness? Jesse was a nice guy, and he cared about her, surely that would matter to the rest of the club.
It didn't. As soon as the word 'spy' slipped from her friend's lips she was angered. It was like they all thought she was some stupid little girl enable of deciding who she should date or not. She knew that this would happen, but honestly, she believed Jesse. However, it would be a lie to say that she wasn't concerned when they threatened to kick her out. Who was she without glee? God, who was she with glee? She hated herself for having to choose. She hated glee for making her choose. She hated Jesse for being the right choice in her mind.
When he asked her to have sex for the first time, it had freaked her out. When she had gotten cold feet she used the excuse of the team to distract from the fact that Jesse had been with other girls. It shouldn't have been a surprise, but that didn't mean anything to her. She was now forced to look at their relationship. Was she ready for that step? But really what she found herself asking was: would I have been ready if it were Finn? Though the idea of having sex terrified her, it did not rid her of her desire altogether. Now every time she saw Jesse she kept thinking about what it would feel like, almost asking him to show her.
It was a week later when he went and did something almost as crazy as people believed her to be. He had joined her glee club, to be with her. More than that he had said he loved her, in front of every single member of glee. He wasn't embarrassed to be seen holding her hand or kissing her before third block. He genuinely cared about how she felt, and that meant so much to her. Never before had anyone done something so thoughtful or caring for her, and it was then that she knew she loved him too, and that she wanted everything to be with him.
It was a Friday night, it had been raining, she could remember because his hair was wet when she ran her fingers through it. He had such beautiful hair, thick and full, and coarse under her fingertips that night. He was watching her do her daily MySpace video, and he was staring at her so intently that she thought he might bore a hole in the back of her. She felt warm with the attention from him, wishing she was brave enough to say what was truly on her brain. He didn't seem to mind that she wasn't ready, he had been so gracious about it all, it just made her want him more.
"Jesse?" She said gently, and looked up to her a curious expression lining his handsome face, making her swallow hard before speaking again.
"Yeah, Rach?" He asked softly, standing as she came near him. She felt like she had looked into his eyes for days before she found her voice enough to voice what she wanted.
"I want you. I mean it this time, I want to do it." She said, blushing at the end as he scrutinized her red face with his bright eyes.
"I thought you said you weren't ready?" He asked softly, taking both her small hands in his. The warmth of his hands seemed to envelope her heart and she smiled softly up to him, a glow beginning to burn in her chest.
"That was before you left Vocal Adrenaline for me. That was before you told me you loved me." She sighed tracing his face with her slender fingers as he relaxed into her touch. He sighed against the soft hands.
"I do. I love you." He said softly, and she smiled up at him and nodded in agreement before pulling herself up to capture his lips in hers. They were soft as always, and she could feel the tingling within her spreading all across her entire body. He smiled against her mouth.
"Okay, but anytime you want to stop, we will." He said gently, lifting her towards the bed, his strong arms comforting her. He started by removing his shirt, and she was mesmerized with how gorgeous he was, he smiled at her again before lifting her heavy sweater over her dark head.
The cool air hit her body and she shivered a little as he placed his lips down the sides of her body. Before she could stop herself she was undoing his buttons and pushing his layers off, now all that stood between them were the pieces of fabric clinging to her body. He smiled at her before unclasping her bra and sliding it down her arms. He did not miss the blush that crossed her face.
"You are beautiful, Rachel. So, so, beautiful." He breathed as he pushed her remaining clothes off and she reveled in the way their bodies felt pressed together in the night. He was humming a familiar song in her ear.
"Pulse is gone and racing – All fits and starts. Window by window you try and look into this brave new you that you are."
It had been Spring Awakening, of course, her favorite musical. The song representing the coming to age story of two teens who expressed their love in the most intimate way. His voice was low and soft in her ear as he positioned himself above her, but his singing made her feel safe and warm. Suddenly he had pushed and anything she had expected had been destroyed. It hurt, but it felt right, like he deserved to be there. She wanted him to be there. Then he began to move inside her and it felt like her entire soul was on fire, she was moaning, but he never stopped singing, and that was what made it perfect.
When it was over she lay against him, feeling whole for the first time in her entire life. She could feel his heart beat to remind her that he was there, and that he did love her.
They didn't have sex again, but they were closer, and she loved the feeling of being that close to someone. But she had messed everything up only two weeks later, the last week of November, by making that stupid video with Finn and Puck. She knew when Jesse had said he should have been enough for her exactly what he meant. She had given herself to him completely, so why was she doing this now?
That was the last time he spoke to her for a long time.
–
December.
December in Lima, Ohio is very cold and very drafty. The school was never warm enough, and there was already six inches of snow on the ground and she was miserable. She hadn't spoken to Jesse for a good two and a half weeks. She was beginning to lose focus on everything, she just felt horrible all of the time. Not only emotionally, but she felt physically sick all the time. She had woken up every morning to an increasing desire to vomit. She thought it was the depression, and that scared her.
She had seen Jesse only in glee as he was a senior. He didn't look at her, and threw himself into the music, and she could tell that he was doing everything he could to pretend she had never existed. She made it easy for him, as she rarely said anything in glee anymore. Apart from being physically exhausted, everyone seemed to hate her even more now.
It wasn't until she saw Puck helping Quinn, who's stomach was swelling bigger by the day, across the icy black top, with a love in his eyes that could have lit up the skyline, that she began to panic. How many days had it been since that night in November? How many nights had it been since she was reminded that she was a woman? At least a month, no it had been longer than that. She was perfect when it came to everything, even monthly cycles. She was never late, or irregular. She felt like vomiting again as she ran to the red bathroom, tears lacing down her cheeks.
What was she going to do? She was only sixteen, she was supposed to be a star. Who did she have? Before she allowed herself to fully breakdown she vowed to make sure that her fears were a reality and decided to go to the walk in clinic after school, and spent the rest of the day in a terrified panic. No one in glee missed the fact that she didn't even join in on the songs. Her head was full of thoughts and every time she heard his voice she flinched. What was she going to tell him? He hated her now, just like everyone else. She was all alone.
The day ended almost too soon for her liking, and she found herself driving to the nearest health clinic, her knuckles white from how hard they were grasping the steering wheel. The terror threatened to overwhelm her but she fought it back, trying to tell herself there was nothing to panic over. It could just be an illness or a vitamin deficiency. When she found a parking place she promptly leaned out of her car door and vomited out of nerves all over the grass.
She was taken back almost at once, and she started to hyperventilate before a kind natured, older nurse came into her exam room.
"Says here that you're looking to take a pregnancy test?" She asked kindly, and Rachel nodded, feeling as if the walls her crushing down upon her.
"Okay, well I'm going to ask you a few questions first." She nodded again, not trusting her voice to carry her through this. "Have you experienced any morning sickness?" The nurse asked and Rachel nodded once again and watched the nurse scribble on her clipboard.
"Have you missed your period?" Rachel was beginning to feel the tears again and nodded while swallowing the hard lump in her throat. More scribbling on the clipboard.
"Have you had any fatigue that is unusual?" Rachel nodded one final time before the nurse handed her a cup and a package home pregnancy test.
"Hope you need to go." She smiled kindly. "You need to fill the cup to the black line and then use the stick." Rachel stood to enter the bathroom, and she did as she was instructed.
When she took the test back out the nurse was waiting for her, a kind and understanding smile lining her older face. She took one of Rachel's hands in her own and squeezed tightly as they waited for the test results to form. After three minutes she looked down and saw the two tiny pink lines that meant she had become responsible for another life.
"I know you're very scared, Rachel, but you've got to be strong for your baby. Now, you need to set up an appointment with your OBGYN, and then decide about planned parenthood." The nurse said, a sadness in her voice that Rachel didn't want to hear. She nodded and pulled away walking out of the clinic numb to her toes, unaware of the tears on her face. She truly was all alone, it was only her and the growing child inside her that she had begun to love from the moment the test had two pink stripes.
Her appointment with her doctor had been an emergency, so she had managed to make it for the same day. She was still in shock when the familiar doctor came into the room, a smile of his face as he shook her hand like usual.
"Nice to see you again, Rachel, although I am curious as to why you're here?" Dr. Wu asked politely, and Rachel took a deep breath in before speaking.
"I'm... pregnant." She said in a quavering voice, and the doctor's smile faltered as he stared down at the young starlet and then her stomach.
"Well, let's take some ultrasounds to confirm it." He said gently, and she lay back, as he applied the cool gel to her abdomen.
"From the development of the fetus, I would say you are around one month and three days along, and your baby has a strong heart beat, which is a good thing. Given that it would make your delivery date around July twentieth." He smiled at her, and she smiled back timidly. She was over a month pregnant and hadn't even known. He cleaned her stomach before she sat up and looked to him for guidance.
"You're going to need to tell your fathers, who I am sure will take it well. Hiram and Leroy were always easy going. Also, I want you to start taking prenatal vitamins, and try not to put your body under any unnecessary stress. You've got another life to take care of. I want to see you again soon to check how far advanced you are." Rachel just felt numb through the whole appointment. It had not hit her that she was pregnant yet, and it wouldn't hit her until she got home that night and reached her bedroom to fall sobbing into the sheets.
The next day of school would prove to be the hardest of her entire existence. She tried to stay out of the line of fire, a protective hand hovering around her abdomen. She knew that she had to talk to Mr. Schue today, so she caught him right before glee and pulled him aside.
"Rachel, you okay? You look a little sick." He asked gently. She swallowed the lump in her throat.
"I'm afraid that I won't be able to participate in glee as vigorously as I used to. I found out yesterday that I'm..." She pushed herself to say the words out loud at Mr. Schuester's patiently interested face, "That I am a month pregnant." Whatever he had been expecting it was most certainly not this, and his face showed all of his shock.
"Please don't say anything to anyone, my fathers don't even know yet. However, I didn't want to seem to be slacking in glee." She said softly, and pushed past him into the rehearsal room without letting him respond to her.
For the first time in a month Jesse's eyes connected with her own as she entered the familiar room, and for a moment she could have sworn that he could see the desperate fear that was hiding in her eyes, but a moment later he was looking at Mike and she was left alone again. She subconsciously rubbed her stomach, not noticing the blond girl watching her.
January.
January was even worse than December for her, she was starting to really feel pregnant. She had some mood swings and those drained her, not to mention the nausea that she tried to hide so well at school. She couldn't let anyone find out, especially since she still had not told her fathers about being pregnant. She wasn't doing anymore of the more vigorous dance moves, and Mr. Schue constantly looked at her with a sadness and worry that made her hate herself even more.
She had given up on eating in the cafeteria, she felt like every person in there was staring at her. As she was well into two months pregnant, she was starting to show slightly, and she finally understood why Quinn was always wearing dresses. She began to wear some of her looser fitting dresses, and she played it off as normal, however, even Kurt didn't have anything rude to say to her. She was grateful for this because she was so close to the breaking point these days she could not be held accountable for what she might do to him.
It was one of her typical lunch times spent in the rehearsal room, staring around the space feeling sick. She was eating as regularly as she could, but she thought that she might vomit at any given moment. She didn't want to let herself cry, not here, not where she was most vulnerable. She simply hung her head for a moment, trying to will herself to be the strong and stubborn Rachel that she had been three months ago.
"You can cry, you know." She looked up to see the last person she ever thought she would see. Quinn Fabray was walking towards her, her blue dress matching her eyes. She was smiling a gentle smile down at Rachel.
"No, I can't. There's no reason to." Rachel said defiantly. She forced herself to look in Quinn's eyes and was amazed to find that the fear that Quinn had once held in her eyes had disappeared and she couldn't help but hope that happened to her.
"Yes, you do. You're scared, I know, I am too. Being a mom is a huge step, and being responsible for another life is terrifying." Quinn told her softly, taking one of the brunette's hands in hers. Rachel felt comfort from Quinn.
"I don't know how this happened. Just one time. I was stupid for one time." She said, her thoughts over the last month spilling out of her mouth before she could stop it. For the first time since she had found out she was going to have a baby, she had someone to talk to about it, and that meant pretty much everything.
"I know, I was the same way. Kind of puts you off sex, doesn't it?" She chuckled, and Rachel laughed with her. "It's Jesse's right?" Quinn asked, not wanting to say Finn, because she probably wouldn't be able to handle that. Rachel took in a deep breath.
"Yes. He has decided that he hates me now, and I don't know what do Quinn, I can't even tell my fathers." She said softly, starting to cry for what seemed like the millionth time. Quinn just placed a comforting hand on her back.
"You need to tell him, Rachel. If you're nearly three months along, he needs to know. You also need to tell your dads, things are going to start happening fast, and you shouldn't be all alone." Quinn said, and her tone held no amount of judgment or disappointment, only kindness for the second pregnant girl in the room, sobbing ton her shoulder.
"Rachel, you are the strongest person I know. You can do this." She said softly, and as the bell rang she left for fourth period.
It was the next week that Rachel was walking to the parking lot when she heard two voices coming from the choir room, both angry, one a girl's voice and the other a male's, but as she came near the door a third familiar voice started speaking.
"I don't understand why you're confronting me about this now, that happened two months ago." It was Jesse's familiar and beautiful voice that she had always longed for. She felt her heart break a little more when a more surprising voice came from inside the room.
"Because she didn't mean to hurt your stupid ass, dude, she still loves you, and you're being an asshole by ignoring her." It was Noah's rough voice, and he sounded like he was very close to the door handle that Rachel was holding.
"That doesn't change the fact that she did hurt me." Jesse sad, with the same sadness that had filled his voice months before. Rachel sighed against the wall and felt the shame of that stupid video wash over her again.
"Jesse, Rachel needs you right now. She really needs you. You have no idea what she's going through." It was Quinn's soft voice this time, and Rachel smiled at her new acquired friend, who was actually sticking up for her, and tried not to start crying all over the place again.
"What do you mean? Is she okay?" Her heart leapt, he was still concerned about her well being and she smiled a watery smile again.
"Jesse, you just need to talk to her. Please." Quinn's pleading voice held the end to the conversation, and Rachel rushed off so that no one would see her there. She left to go to her next appointment, but she felt a little more brave, and not so alone.
When Dr. Wu entered the room he smiled at her and she smiled a small smile back. He pulled out his equipment out for the new ultrasound that would produce images for her to take home.
"Well, Rachel, that's your baby." Rachel was crying as she made out the small, three month old shape on her screen, and she beamed at him. The doctor flipped off the screen a few moments later, after printing out Rachel's images.
"We should be able to tell the sex of the baby soon. Be sure to start thinking of baby names." He said kindly, "And, you should start to see the end of the morning sickness soon-"
"Thank god." She sighed, thankful for that one light of hope on the dark and looming horizon of what was to come. Dr. Wu chuckled and said their goodbyes, she scheduled her next appointment, hoping and praying that she would have told her fathers and Jesse by that point.
As she pulled out of the doctor's office parking lot she began to sing, and sing the way she had months ago. She was pouring passion into every word that left her mouth, and she finally felt alive again, like she had woken up from some kind of trance.
"Something started crazy-- sweet and unknown..." The melody always comforted her, as she placed a small hand over her ever growing baby. She could still hear Jesse's voice floating through her mind, and she continued to let the melody flow until she reached home.
She pulled herself out of her car, a small hand holding her stomach and when she looked up she felt a tingle of fear leak throughout her body, those familiar eyes were staring at her and she felt naked under his gaze. She felt herself being pulled towards him like he was some sort of magnet that she needed to survive.
"Jesse." She said breathlessly looking at him, not being able to breathe at the idea of him standing on her familiar porch.
"Hello, Rachel." He said, his voice holding a note of anger. He came towards her and she did not shrink back in fear.
"What... what are you doing here?" Her voicing was wavering and she felt like she was going to fall apart again, the song notes from moments ago still filling her heart. It was all she could think of as she looked at him.
"What is it that Quinn and Puck know that I don't?" He asked, " They said you're not okay." He said softer walking towards her. She shivered in the chilly air.
"No, Jesse, I'm not okay." She said gently, and touched her stomach again, trying to build up bravery to tell him what she had been holding within her for the past three months. She looked up at him briefly.
"I'm three months pregnant." She said quickly, feeling as if the huge weight of it all would crush her again. He didn't say anything for a while, he just stared at her mouth open slightly, and she was taken with irrational desire to giggle at his face.
"We're...having a baby." He said finally, and she was suddenly touched that he hadn't asked who the father was. He trusted her, and that meant something to her after all these months of silence from him. As she looked at him she realized just how much that she missed him. She drank in every feature on his face.
"Yeah, Jesse, we are." She said quietly and he looked at her for another moment.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, a hurt in his voice that irritated her. He was hurt? After he didn't even speak to her for months over something that in the grand scheme of things didn't even really matter? He did not deserve to be hurt.
"You weren't speaking to me. I didn't even know until two months ago, and I thought that you hated me, and hating me would definitely not make you thrilled to have a child." She said a bit sharper than she had meant. He took a final step that placed him so close to her that she could smell him. It was the first smell that didn't make her want to puke.
"You didn't have to do it alone, Rachel. Surely you know I wouldn't just abandon you." She simply nodded, even though she didn't know that. He carefully placed a hand on her stomach, his fingers sent shivers up her body. She had missed his touch more than she had thought, and before she could stop herself she was placing herself in his arms.
"I'm so sorry about everything, Jesse. You don't deserve this. UCLA, and everything, this shouldn't be your burden." She said sadly and looked fiercely into her eyes.
"Rachel Berry, you and my baby are much more important to me than the performing arts, don't ever doubt that." She knew that to most people that might not sound like much, but coming from Jesse that was the highest devotion he could give. "I haven't forgiven you, but we're going to make this work." He said gently. She nodded against his chest.
"First we should start by telling my dads, thank goodness they're for gun control laws." She said matter-of-factly and he chuckled softly.
"Can you do me a favor?" She asked, and he looked down at her curiously. "Sing me something, anything." When he opened his mouth it was the familiar song.
"And now our bodies are the guilty ones – Our touch will fill every hour." He hummed and she finally felt like everything might just be okay.