A/N: I have based this on the song Drops of Jupiter by Train (but I changed she to he to fit in the story better). This is just a random mess of my attempted angst of Remus' thoughts, memories and then a random letter... enjoy :)
Now he's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in his hair
He acts like the summer and walks like the rain
Reminds me that there's time to change
Since his return from his stay on the moon
He listens like spring and he talks like June
Remus still couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it. He didn't want to believe that Sirius was dead; gone from his world forever. Up in the atmosphere, never to be seen again.
It took all of the strength he could muster in the Department of Mysteries that night to stop Harry from running through that veil to get back to Sirius, the way he had wanted to. He had already lost Sirius once and thought that he had got him back. He never thought that would have to go through all the pain of losing his best friend, his lover, all over again. At least not this soon after getting him back anyhow.
Since Sirius had returned from those twelve long years in Azkaban, he had never quite been the same. He hadn't gone round the loop like her dear, sweet cousin Bellatrix had, but he just wasn't like he used to be. Sirius acted like he was happy, but Remus could see right through him and knew that there was a touch of sadness behind those eyes. Remus knew how much Sirius was looking forward to the day where Voldemort would fall and his name would be cleared because he had been through enough already. That's what Remus believed anyway. But now it was much too late, for he was gone.
Tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
That heaven is overrated
Sirius always talked of going to heaven and seeing the stars in the Milky Way when he was up there with James and Lily. He wanted to see the Sirius star, his star, the one he was named after. Remus would just laugh and tell him that it probably wouldn't be as good as he thought it would be. Remus had learnt that things in life just weren't as great as everyone said they would be and he didn't think that heaven would be an exception.
Remus now hoped that he was wrong and that Sirius was in a beautiful place, the way he deserved to be.
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?
Remus always believed that Sirius was crazy for falling in love with him. Who would ever fall in love with a beast like him? Sirius could have had any woman or man he wanted, but he chose Remus. The one with a 'furry problem'. Sirius was always the one who could make him feel better when his problem was getting him down but now he would never have him to make him laugh. Remus wondered if he would find someone better than him, wherever he was. Someone without a permanent scar keeping him from everything ordinary.
He just hoped that Sirius was missing him just as much he was missing him.
Now he's back from that soul vacation
Tracing his way through the constellation
He checks out Mozart while he does Tae-bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow
Now he's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that he might think of me as plain old Jane
Told a story about a man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land
Remus had always been scared that Sirius thought that he was too boring, even before they fell for each other. He wasn't too sure as to why James and Sirius became his friends - they were total opposites. Sirius was loud, completely reckless and always in trouble whereas Remus was quiet, stayed in the background and rarely got detentions. Well, at least the latter lasted until he became a Marauder. Even then he still didn't get as many as Sirius and Remus.
Remus never really liked to play pranks on people; that was Sirius and James' job. He preferred inventing them and staying back as Sirius and James performed them. Remus always thought that they might think he was boring for that but they never seemed to mind. Especially Sirius.
When Sirius came back from Azkaban, his worries came back. He was convinced that Sirius would laugh at him for being a professor. Back at Hogwarts, they would always tease him, saying that one day he would become a professor. He would always laugh it off – who in their right mind would employ a werewolf to be around kids? But then Remus and Sirius always joked that Dumbledore wasn't in his right mind after all.
Tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance alone in the light of day?
Head back to the milky way
Tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?
Remus opened one of his drawers and looked through it until he found what he was looking for. It was a photo of himself and Sirius looking at each other with their eyes full of love and laughter. Remus could remember that day clearly. It was some time after Sirius' escape when he had come to live with him for a while. They had both managed to get out of the house for and they could finally be alone together, properly. They had to be careful not to be spotted because wizards and muggles were still looking for Sirius so Remus took him to somewhere special, where no one would find them.
It had started raining, so they both ran into the woods to get shelter under a tree. Panting, out of breath and soaking wet they sat down under the tree, looked at each other and just laughed. It was the happiest they had both felt for a long, long time.
"Do you still love me?" Remus had asked, after calming down.
Sirius just pulled Remus onto his lap and kissed him softly. "Of course I do," he whispered into Remus' ear.
They both leant in again, this time more passionate and longing. They hadn't been able to do this for twelve whole years. After a short while, they pulled away needing oxygen. Sirius pushed away the hair that was in Remus' eyes as Remus flushed and looked down.
"You have beautiful eyes," Sirius said softly, lifting up Remus' chin.
Remus smiled gently and snuggled into Sirius' arms. They lay there in a comfortable silence for what seemed like forever.
"Do you want to dance?" Sirius asked, never being one for sitting still for long periods of time.
Remus laughed. "But there's no music and it's raining!"
"All the better."
Sirius stood up and held out his hand for Remus to take. Remus hesitated before giving in to Sirius' smile. The slowly danced together in the rain, holding their bodies against each other, not caring that it was chucking it down with rain, not caring that Sirius was on the run from the Ministry, not caring that they shouldn't even be out there. All they needed and wanted was each other.
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep fried chicken?
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance
No five hour phone conversation
The best soy latte you have ever had and me
A long time ago, Remus' mother told him that the best way to let out his feelings was to write a letter to that person, whether he was going to send it or not was up to him. So since then, that was what had always done. He wrote letters to James and Lily when they had died, Fenrir Greyback for making his life hell, his classmates when they were getting on his nerves, Peter when he believed he was dead and Sirius when he had thought that he had betrayed him.
Now was no exception.
Sirius Remus wrote. I know that there is absolutely no chance that you will ever read this, but I'm just going to go ahead and say it anyway. Nothing's been the same since you left… again. Everything I do or say reminds me of you. I'm trying to stay strong for you and Harry but it's just so hard. You were the only one who could make me feel better and help me through the darker days but now it's you who's making me feel this way. Funny huh?
Not having you in my life now is somehow different this time. Now I know that there is no chance I could ever get you back. Even when you were in Azkaban I still had a small amount of hope that I would someday get you back. Funny how things work out isn't it? But now that you are… wherever you are, I know that I will never see you again. At least not until I'm up there with you. Living without you is like telling you that you will never be able to eat deep fried chicken again.
I no longer have my best friends to stick up for me anymore. They've all been cruelly snatched away from me by no other than the hands of Voldemort. It's him that has caused all of this. Without him, James and Lily would still be here, Peter would still be with us and I'd still be able to hold you in my arms.
I've been looking through our photos of the good times when we were back at Hogwarts. Everything was just so much easier then. I found the photos of us at the Yule Ball. It was when we had our first dance, do you remember? James had somehow managed to get hold of the camera… there were a few pictures of us amongst the ones he took of Lily.
I also found that old telephone of mine. Finally teaching you how to use it was definitely one of the proudest moments of my life! We once talked for five hours straight… well, mainly you talked and I listened. I don't think I ever used it since your kindly mother chucked yours away. It was fun while it lasted.
Do you remember that small cafe we used go to together? It was where we had our first date. We both had soy lattes… it was the best one I had ever had. I remember having our first kiss after. You tasted just like that latte I had drunk.
I don't know where you are now but wherever you are I hope you're with James, doing whatever the hell you used to do with him. I hope you miss me as much as miss you.
I love you Padfoot.
Moony x
A/N: This is my attempt at writing an angsty sort of peice. I'm terribly sorry if this is absolutely shocking - I'm too much of a sucker for sweet, fluffy romance which is why I had to include that memory x)
If you did like it, it would be lovely of you to click that review button :) They always make me smile :D
Thanks for reading :)
lawreadaholic x