Hello! Welcome!

This story is strongly inspired by my own experiences so I hope Clarke's struggles seem authentic and are relatable to some.

I hope you enjoy!

I flopped down onto the couch, snuggling under my blanket, I was taking advantage of having the apartment all to myself, no Raven and no Octavia, it was a rare opportunity. I had my favorite tv show playing in the background, my tumblr open and I had been adding some finishing touches to a drawing I'd been working on for the past few weeks, three things I didn't often get to enjoy doing outside the privacy of my bedroom. It was bliss.

I knew I should probably be studying but I'd decided to allow myself to indulge in my guilty pleasures for the day. No one was home to see what I was doing, so it didn't have to mean anything, if I didn't want it to. It was something I was only comfortable sharing with myself, oh and a few thousand people online. The anonymity the internet provided made it different, no one knew who I was, no one cared if I liked girls, no one cared if I drew pictures of two girls kissing, no one cared if I obsessively shipped two girls. The internet gave me the perfect place to question and explore my sexuality without it being real, without there being any consequences, it was a place that felt safe, and just for me.

As long as that part of me existed only in my mind and online, it remained an abstract concept and I was safe.

Purely for my own enjoyment I even changed my iphone wallpaper to a picture of a particular female celebrity I'd been crushing on for the past few weeks. I couldn't help smiling ridiculously every time I unlocked my phone and saw the picture. Of course I would change it back before anyone got home, they would be none the wiser.

On the surface it seemed like I had it all under control, that I knew what I was doing, but I didn't. I was constantly conflicted, my sexuality always at the front of my mind, confusing me, wreaking havoc with my daily life. Hiding these thoughts and feelings was getting harder and harder, I felt guilty about lying to my friends, we told each other everything but this just wasn't something I was ready to talk about or knew how to talk about.

How was I supposed to tell them when I didn't even know what I was? Was I gay? No I didn't think so, I'd liked boys, I'd been in love with boys. Was I straight? For a long time I'd tried to just convince myself that my interest in women was innocent and normal, that I just idolized them. I'd begun doubting that thought earlier this year and questioning if there was something more to it and yeah there totally was.

Recently I had been toying with the idea of bisexuality, it seemed to fit but sometimes I still wondered if I was just completely overreacting and being stupid and building something up that didn't exist, but then I'd see a picture of a pretty girl, or in class or at a party and I would feel a stirring in the pit of stomach that I knew straight girls didn't feel when they saw another girl. But then I'd think about it all and be right back to having no fucking clue.

All I knew for sure was that sometimes I found girls attractive and sometimes I shipped two girls and sometimes I wanted to draw those two girls kissing.

So that's what I was going to do today.

Half way through my third episode of Lost Girl, for the day, the door handle jiggling, caught my attention.

What no? They were both supposed to be gone all day! It was only just after lunch. Panic rising in my chest, I launched myself off the couch, grabbing the remote, fumbling with it for a few horrendous seconds before turning the TV off. I then began shoving the pieces of paper I had out, into my backpack, zipping it up just as Raven stepped into the room.

"Hey Clarke," Raven greeted.

"Ah hey, hi Raven, what are you doing home so early?" I asked slipping the back pack on, trying to appear normal, it probably wasn't working.

"The workshop got canceled" She shrugged, strolling into the apartment, dumping her stuff down in the middle of the room like she always did.

"Where are you off to?" She asked.

"Huh?"

"The backpack, you going somewhere or?" She asked eyebrow raised in question. Way to go acting normal Clarke, well done.

"Oh yes yes, I ah I'm" Come on Clarke think of something! "The Library Yeah the library!" I exclaimed with far too much enthusiasm.

"Oh okay, have fun," Raven shrugged me off, already becoming distracted by her phone. Great now I had to go somewhere, I might as well go to the library.

"Yeah okay, I'm going to go study now... at the library because that's why I have my backpack," smooth Clarke.

"Okaaay," Raven looked at me strangely, I moved intending on leaving before I could say something else moronic. Before I had eve finished turning towards the door Raven's voiced stopped me.

"Oh wait Clarke, you dropped...something?" Before I had even finished turning towards the door Raven's voiced stopped me.

My heart nearly stopped when I saw Raven holding the drawing I had been working on only moments ago, the drawing of two women in a very intimate embrace. No I must be seeing things, I put that in my backpack didn't I? Raven looked from the drawing back up to me, eyebrow quirked, head tipped to the side in confusion.

No no no no.

Time froze, so did I. My head began to swim, my whole world titled on its axis. Breathing became hard, this couldn't be happening I wasn't ready, my lungs burned, black dots danced in front of my eyes. Maybe if I passed out Raven would forget about the drawing. I stared at her, opening and closing my mouth, no words coming out. The drumming of my racing heart and the echoing sound of rushing blood rang in my ears.

My fingers tingled and my face felt numb, was this what it was like to have a stroke?

"Clarke?" Raven's concerned voice broke through my haze and I was jerked back to the present, I tried to say something, anything, but all that came out of my mouth was a strangled gasping sound. Raven stepped towards me and time suddenly sped up again, I didn't wait around to find out what Raven was going to say or do, I fled, I fled from the apartment, I fled from Raven and I fled from reality.

I left the door wide open, knocking into a group of people who looked at me as if I were deranged. I didn't care, I continued to stumble down the hall and out of the building as fast as I could on shaky legs, crashing into and ricocheting off of walls as I went, head still spinning.

I blundered forward, replaying the moment I turned to see Raven holding my drawing. Why hadn't I been more careful? Months of protecting my secret and this is how I slip up? The thing I had spent so many hours stressing about and trying to avoid, the thing that kept me awake at night finally happened, and I had no idea what I was going to do about it. I would never be able to go home again! I was going to have to move! Maybe Alaska? Or Mexico? Was witness protection an option? New identity, new life, would I ever see my mother again? Was I being dramatic? Maybe but I wasn't thinking clearly, on account of oxygen deprivation.

I eventually stumbled into the library, unaware that had been my destination. With a relieved sigh I slid into an empty reading nook in a quiet corner, I buried my head in my hands, biting my quivering lip trying to stop a sob from escaping, rubbing the tears that wet my face, away. Get it together Griffin, before they call the nice men in the white coats to take you away.

I felt my phone buzz against my leg, I pulled it from my pocket, struggling to unlock it with my sweaty fingers. I had three messages, from Raven. Through half closed eyes I tentatively read them.

From RandyRayes:

Clarke are you Okay?

Where did you go?

Can you just let me know you're alright

I felt bad, I didn't want her to worry, but I was far from ready to tell her what was wrong, and I didn't want to tell her where I was either.

To RandyRayes

I'm fine, don't worry

I replied, hoping to appease her enough that she would leave me alone. My head was pounding now and I was still no closer to figuring out what to do, every time I closed my eyes, I saw Raven's confused face and my stomach would flip with uneasiness. In desperate need of help unlocked my phone again and opened Tumblr, maybe one of my followers would know what to do.

I tapped away, hesitating a moment before finally hitting post before slumping back into the chair. I closed my eyes and tried to steady my breathing to appease my burning lungs. I was royally screwed.

TEXT POST:

I need someones help please! I am freaking out! I don't know what to do! I;m not out but my friend found a drawing of Cosima and Delphine kissing and I didn't know what to say I just left! AND NOW IM HIDING IN THE LIBRARY! AND I THINK I AM HAVING A PANIC ATTACK! PLEASE SEND HELP! *ugly sobbing*

After waiting a few tentative minutes I refreshed my activity, silently praying someone had something useful to say. A few people had replied with some variation of 'Sorry, hope you're okay', I appreciated the sentiment but it wasn't very helpful. My heart skipped when I saw the third reply that was slightly longer, from a user I didn't recognize.

rosesareredvioletsarelesbians replied to your post Hey I am so sorry that happened to you, I know what it's like to be outed before you're ready. I hope you're okay. Try to take a deep breath, and stay calm. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to, I know how hard it can be.

I immediately clicked on her url going straight to her page, grateful to have someone to talk too. Not taking the time to look at her profile or anything just tapping the message button.

artistisdoitbetter to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians Hey! Thank you so much for replying to my post! I am really lost and don't know what to do! I'm not ready to come out :( I'm still trying to work all of it out in my own head, so now I'm just hiding in the library and im trying to breathe but I cant I'm freaking out! She keeps messaging me and I don't know what to say, i'm too scared to go home :s

I tired to distract myself by scrolling through my Tumblr feed while I waited for her reply, I don't know what I was expecting her to say but anything would be helpful, my best idea so far was moving countries but that plan had a few kinks in it, not my most brilliant idea, I had to admit.

I refreshed my activity every few minutes, impatiently waiting for a reply I worrying that my message had been too intense, maybe I had come off as a little crazy? Maybe I was crazy! Was I blowing this whole thing out of proportion? Maybe Raven wouldn't question it at all? Maybe I was just overreacting and freaking out for no reason. Ughh I didn't know, I didn't know anything anymore. That was my life these days.

100% confused, 100% of the time.

I felt the anxiety building again, I tried to breathe in and out deeply but only managed shallow breaths, my hands began to tremble again but I tried to focus on my phone, refreshing my activity again. A new message appeared. Thank god.

rosesareredvioletsarelesbians answered your question:Hey, its alright, I want you to take a deep breathe, then another and remember what is happening right now isn't permanent, you'll get through this and you will be okay. You said this person was one of your good friends? I'm sure she will understand if you simply tell her it is something you are not ready to discuss. Or if she is still persistent you could tell her it was a commission and you were doing it for a friend? Best of luck.

I did as the girl said, taking two deep breaths, she was right and her suggestions were actually great. If Raven pressed I could just tell her the drawing was for someone else, and hope she wasn't perceptive enough to see through the lie. I hated lying to my friends, I knew I wasn't outwardly lying to them, but it felt like I was, the hiding and secrecy was tiring, it was exhausting.

artistsdoitbetter to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians Thank you that is a brilliant idea! I don't know why I didn't think of that! I was just going to run away! Thank you! I am trying to breathe but it's hard. I feel like I am stuck in limbo, I don't know what to do, I'm so confused and so scared, that's why I'm not ready for anyone to know! I don't know how to figure it out, it feels like I never will, my head is just constantly spinning in circles. Normally I would talk to my friends about something like this, to figure it out but I cant! Sometimes I just want to ignore it all and hope it goes away.

As soon as I hit ask, I felt guilty for unloading all my feelings on the poor person that I didn't even know and had never spoken to before.

Way to go Clarke.

I clicked back on the little envelope, tapping out a quick apology, she was just trying to help and now she would probably think I was some psycho.

artistsdoitbeter to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians I'm really sorry for my previous message, sorry to just unload on you like that.

I tapped the ask button, sighing as the ask box closed. I checked the time, it was only just after 4:00, I could go home, and use the girl's suggestion, if Raven said anything, but just the thought of going home and seeing Raven made my heart race. I just wanted to hide, stay in the sanctuary of the library.

I looked around the large open area, it appeared that no one had noticed me, no one cared that my eyes were probably red and swollen, no one cared that my blonde hair was sticking to my sweaty face, I hadn't bothered to brush it, not thinking I would be leaving the apartment.

If I stayed here I was safe, but I knew I couldn't stay here forever, Raven would come looking for me eventually.

I scrolled through Tumblr trying in vain to distract myself as I waited for her reply, It came quickly.

rosesareredvioletsarelesbians answered your question It's quite alright, I understand how stressful and confusing this time can be, especially when you haven't told anyone yet. I know we do not know each other, however if you need someone to talk to, you are welcome to talk to me, anytime. I don't know if you have spoken with anyone online but I think it would really help, instead of keeping it all bottled up.

I was surprised and touched by the strangers offer. I had kind of discussed it with a few people online but not in any great detail, no one knew how much it was effecting my daily life. I was second year pre-med but recently my grades had started to slip, I just wasn't focused anymore. My mind constantly preoccupied the same thoughts playing on repeat through my mind, day and night. It was frustrating, thinking the same things over and over but not getting anywhere.

The stranger was right, I knew that but I felt bad about the idea of unloading my problems on her, I didn't want to burden her with my drama. I'm sure she had better things to do.

artistsdoitbetter to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians Thank you for the offer, but I do not want to be a bother.

I put my phone back into my pocket, resigned to the fact that this problem would remain my burden alone.

Running my hands over my face, I tried to flatten my messy hair, it was only then that I realized in my panic I'd left the apartment without changing.

Great.

I was wearing an old pair of sweat pants that were covered in various smudges of paint. The old top I was wearing was a faded dark blue with three quarter length sleeves, at least it was in slightly better condition than my pants. Luckily I had been wearing my Vans instead of the normal fuzzy pink slippers I wore at home.

I tried to shrug of my ragged appearance, there was little I could do about it now, I dragged my backpack a few feet so I could settle at an empty desk. I was stuck in the library until I was brave enough to go home, I might as well try to study.

Time passed slowly, I made an honest attempt at studying for my upcoming human biology quiz, but instead of detailed notes my, my notebook was filled with rough sketches and doodles. I wasn't sure when I stopped studying and started drawing, but that's how most of my study attempts went these days. The sketch that I was working on now was the icon of the girl who had messaged me on Tumblr. I wasn't sure if it was a picture of her, or someone else, but it was gorgeous. A girl with long brunette hair, standing among sunflowers. Once I realized what I was drawing, I wanted another look at that picture.

Looking at my phone I was relieved to see I had no new messages. I opened Tumblr, automatically refreshing my activity, one new message popped up.

rosesareredvioletsarelesbians answered you question You wouldn't be bothering me, I would not have offered if I did not mean it.

There was something about the way the girl wrote that made me believe her words. I bit my bottom lip as I thought. Was I ready to open up? Not talking to anyone wasn't getting me anywhere, I resolved to try.

I chewed the inside of my cheek, feeling hot and anxious again, my hands shaking as I took my time replying.

artistsdoitbetter to rosesareredlesbiansareviolets Thank you, I guess I should start from the beginning. About six months ago I started realizing I felt something for women, that i'd never acknowledged before. I think they have always been there, I just never payed attention to them because i've always dated and liked boys, but lately its become harder to ignore. I like drawing and painting women, I like shipping women but then sometimes thoughts creep in making me feel like Im just being silly and getting my feelings confused. I am known for getting attached to fictional characters, maybe that's all that is happening, I don't know. I don't know anything and I'm sick of not knowing. Sorry for rambling, I'm a mess at the moment.

I hit send before I could lose my nerve, it felt weird to have spoken about it, even if it was just to a stranger. I already felt a bit stupid, just like I did anytime I considered it all too seriously. I felt like I was being ridiculous, making the whole thing up. I wanted to bury my head in the sand and pretend it didn't exist, so I could go back to the way things use to be.

I exited Tumblr returning to the home screen on my phone and I saw the picture of Emilia Clarke that I had made my wallpaper, my stomach tightened a little in that familiar good way and a smile tugged at the corner of my lips. That had to mean something... right?

I worked roughly on my drawing, trying not to think about Raven too much, just concentrating on the details, wondering again if it was the girl, I didn't even know her name, I hadn't even introduced myself before I jumped into my life story.

Ugh.

I continuously checked to see if I had any new messages, browsing dashboard, my textbook sitting untouched.

rosesareredvioletsarelesbians answered your question Well done opening up! Im terribley sorry I didn't introduce myself before. My name is Lexa and I must say I enjoy your art work immensely! You have great talent!

I think you need to remember that it is alright to be attracted to more than one gender, your attraction to girls does not invalidate your attraction to boys. You don't have to label yourself, I understand the want, to label yourself, it's what we seem to do. Don't rush it, take your time and just listen to what your body is telling you, you're the only one that really knows. I know from experience that being outed isn't easy.

Are you still in the library?

Artiststoitbetter to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians Nice to 'meet' you Lexa, I'm Clarke. Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot.

That's what I keep trying to tell myself, that it's okay to like men and women. Sometimes I'm okay with that and other times I feel all angsty and maybe like a fraud? I don't know. Should it be this hard? If it was real wouldn't I just know? I don't know, I feel like I say that a lot. I feel bad for lying to everyone, I don't feel like me sometimes...

Yes I'm still at the library, I'm scared to go home, I want to, it's getting later and I'm cold and hungry.

Her reply came quickly.

rosesareredvioletsarelesbians answered your question It is a pleasure to meet you too Clarke, although I wish it was under different circumstances. You do not have to figure it out all out once, it's okay not to know, it does not make any of your feelings any less valid. You should not feel guilty however I understand why you do, keeping secrets from those you care about isn't easy, but we do it to protect ourselves.

It's okay. Go home Clarke, it will be okay and if it isn't, you will cope, you're stronger than you think.

Her words were powerful, I desperately wanted to believe them. Taking several deep breaths I began gathering my things, re-stuffing them into my backpack. My joints ached as I stood up, after hours of being cooped up.

I shivered and my teeth shattered as I journeyed home, in the cool evening breeze, wishing I had a my leather jacket.

My heart beat rapidly in my chest when I finally made it home.

I gulped anxiously as i opened the door slowly, all my worry from early returning, but the apartment was dark and quiet. I stepped in hesitantly, my eyes darting around the apartment looking for signs of movement, there wasn't any.

Making a break for it I dashed quickly from the entry way to my room, closing my bedroom door behind me firmly.

I was finally safe. With an exhausted sigh I nearly dropped onto my bed but stopped when I saw the drawing from early, neatly placed on my bed. Tears fell from my eyes and I collapsed onto my bed with a sob.

I was so screwed.

Thanks for reading! I would love any feedback!

I hope you stick around for the journey, it's going to be a long one!

Just for fun you can find Clarke & Lexa's blogs at

.com and .com

You can find me at .com