Drink a Beer
Zoro's been wandering for years now. He realizes now why Mihawk was alone and why he was so hard to find most of the time. Zoro then thinks he must've been lonely even if he seemed the type to keep to himself. Zoro doesn't know what he'd have done if he'd never met Luffy and the rest. Fic to the song of the same title by Luke Bryan. Third-person POV, Zoro's POV. ANGST ANGST ANGST! One-shot.
You don't know true pain until you've given up the love of your life to someone else.
Zoro' been wandering for years now. He realizes now why Mihawk was alone and why he was so hard to find most of the time. Zoro then thinks he must've been lonely even if he seemed the type to keep to himself. The swordsman doesn't know what he'd have done if he'd never met Luffy and the rest.
Zoro saw Usopp and Kaya get married a couple of years ago, and the last he'd heard, Kaya was pregnant.
Nami, Chopper, Brook, Robin, Franky, and Luffy had been voyaging the routes on the Grand Line they hadn't followed the first time around. Though, the cyborg did return to Water 7 once to reconcile with Iceburg. That skeleton had also met up with Baboon, who had followed the Pirate King's crew. The grass-headed man wishes things were still like that.
Sometimes he loses himself in the memories when he meditates, because while he knows he should be over it by now, he never will be, and he still finds some way to blame himself, despite the fact he knows how much Sanji blames himself more.
It was just the (technically) four of them now.
It's irrational, but Zoro's come to hate the number four. As a wanderer, he's taken to visiting his nakama, but since they all live in different places it takes a while. Usually, he likes to hang around The Blue Bar and Grill the most because Sanji and Brook are both there, and the bar is stocked with all the saké and beer he likes best. Zoro never thought about why before, but now he does.
He always makes the effort to go see Vivi and Usopp when they call.
He's visiting Usopp this time around. Zoro's heard that the kid looks just like Kaya, but acts exactly like the long nose.
The visit is fun. Zoro and the liar catch up and he gets to hear a kid call him "uncle"; he gets to see Usopp in love and happy, and Zoro wishes he hadn't given up on love all those years ago.
He's talking to Usopp when Kaya emerges from the house in tears. She's got a hand over her mouth and she looks positively heartbroken. A feeling of dread is curling in his gut and suddenly today has become a whole lot darker.
"Zoro," Kaya sobs, "it's for you."
He's afraid to take the snail phone from her. But he does it anyway. He's the first-mate after all, and Roronoa Zoro. Roronoa Zoro doesn't run from things.
"Hello?"
["Zoro-san..."]
It's Brook, so he wonders why Kaya would be crying. "What is it?"
["...Zoro-san..."]
If he listens close enough he can tell that the musician's voice is unsteady and that Brook is very emotional. There's also a faint quiver there that suggests the skeleton might have been crying.
"What's wrong, Brook?"
Zoro hears the musician break down and sees the snail's tears flooding out as a representation of the skeleton's appearance.
"Brook?" Zoro would really like to know what's going on now.
["I-it's Sanji..."] the musician bawls.
The ominous feeling returns with a vengeance and Zoro steels himself unknowingly.
["H-he... The restaurant... It's terrible... Th-they DESTROYED it-and, and, Sanji-san was-! He was still-"] A soul-breaking sob came over the snail and Zoro feels a deep pain resound in his chest.
["They burned it to the ground...! Sanji-san... Sanji-san was still inside-"]
Usopp had heard most of the conversation, he'd even seen Zoro's stoic expression completely fall to pieces, for the first time, into an emotion he never thought he'd see on the swordsman's face.
The snail phone drops to the ground and the line is disconnected.
The sharpshooter picks the snail up quickly and calls Brook back. They both start talking about a funeral. They're making plans, but Zoro just tunes them out. Everything around him seems grey, dull, and colorless. He feels so numb that no sound registers. He's no better than a zombie right now.
Usopp drags his ass on to a boat and they both make the journey to where Sanji's restaurant was on Seashell Isle. It'll take a while, but now that they know the shortcut it takes half as long as it did the first time.
Zoro's a simple guy, so he doesn't usually think too hard about things, but this is definitely one thing that'd make him take pause for a while. By the time he and Usopp arrive at the island archipelago of All Blue, Vivi is already there waiting for them. She's dressed in a full length black gown and a fishnet black veil. She is not smiling when she greets Zoro and the long nose.
Vivi leads them to a church and there they sit and talk about what kind of burial they're going to do. There's a shadow over the swordsman's face when he pounds his fist on the top of a pew.
The three stare at him in mild shock.
"Sanji..." The name is bitter in his mouth and he hates the sound it makes coming out. That idiot would've teased Zoro for weeks for having called him by his name. He wonders, briefly, if the cook would have liked it.
"Sanji... Would want to go the way the others did," he chokes out without letting them notice how much he's trying to keep his voice from shaking, "he'd want a gravestone overlooking the ocean so those who are left behind can visit, but he'd want to be cremated and have the ashes thrown into the ocean so he could be apart of it..."
Zoro doesn't want to think about why he knows that's what the cook would want, but the others nod and seem to realize that that would be just like Sanji to want that. They continue talking about it, about how he'd want it to be a celebration and not something sad.
Zoro can't listen to it anymore.
He gets up and walks out of the church. He doesn't care where he goes, but he knows that, for once, he'd like to get lost.
Zoro finally comes to a stop at the top of a hill and finds a bench and a large oak tree that he remembers seeing Sanji plant right next to the bench. So that'd there be shade, he'd said. The bench was new, though, he must have put it there not long after Zoro began the long journey to see Usopp.
It felt like just the other day that the two of them were wrestling and bickering just like they were 19 again.
Zoro takes a few more steps and stops just before the edge of the pier. He doesn't want to sit on the bench, and he doesn't wanna stand either.
He sighs long and deep and thinks that if Sanji were standing here he'd be smoking a cigarette, with one side of his face still covered. Old habits always died hard with that stubborn fool. Zoro chuckles hollowly and he feels his heart ache. He falls to his knees and lets the stoic mask slip off his face. No one can see him now, so it's okay to be weak. He doesn't need to be strong; he doesn't feel like being tough anyway.
Zoro stares out at the horizon and doesn't move for what seems like ages. His legs hang over the side of the pier and he thinks about when he and Sanji first found this place.
The color of the sky is changing and Zoro thinks he realizes now why this was the cook's favorite spot on the entire island.
It's beautiful and he watches it until the sun is gone and the sky begins to darken further. A little light pops on and Zoro guesses Sanji must have put that there too. Franky had probably influenced him to try cool new technology like automated lights. Franky would have wanted to rip the whole thing apart to find out how it worked, and Usopp would have helped him.
Zoro puts his hands out to recline and realizes he'd been holding a beer bottle the entire time.
The swordsman smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. Usopp must have given it to him, hoping it'd cheer him up a bit.
It's done the opposite, in fact. There's only one brand of beer he and Sanji both like and he's holding it.
On nice, cool days when they were on this island Zoro often found Sanji relaxing in the grass right here.
After the third time he'd found the cook there, Zoro brought beer with him and decided to join him.
After the Thousand Sunny disappeared with most of the crew, they'd grown closer and more understanding of each other. Nami would say they've grown up and finally got their heads out of their asses.
Sometimes they talked about Merry and the adventures; the fun times, the hard times, and just the plain ol' good, crazy times. Those were the best and often left them holding their abs from their laughter.
They hadn't talked that much with all the time they've known each other combined. What a damn shame. All those years spent fighting; wasted.
They'd talk about Luffy and the rest and what they'd be doing now if they weren't...
...Gone. When Brook found them he'd told them what happened and since then he has not spoken, he has not sang, and he refuses to go anywhere near his precious violin.
The former musician had chosen to stay with Sanji and help around with the miscellaneous things. Brook will probably take care of the restaurant now, since the cook can't anymore. What's left of the restaurant, that is.
For a minute Zoro feels anger, hurt, and pain. He doesn't want Usopp, Vivi, Brook, and himself to be the last ones left. He doesn't want any of this. The swordsman is stuck in the worst possible way, and he knows it.
There's no dream to burden himself with or carry on, and because he doesn't handle loss well, it means he doesn't know what to do with himself.
He feels sorry for himself; it makes him feel like a kid again and he hates it. He hates feeling sorry for himself and he hates feeling hopeless. Luffy has made him believe in the un-winnable, so this mindset now is foreign to him. And he hates it with his entire being.
Though, as sorry as Zoro feels for himself, he feels even worse for Brook who had to watch the Thousand Sunny and all that were on it sink to the bottom of the ocean.
It feels like Zoro's heart is freezing over and like the very fire of his existence is being blown out like a candle. He doesn't want to imagine how Brook feels.
He really doesn't want to do anything.
Zoro smiles as he remembers times long past. He chuckled slightly to himself when he recalls how the two of them used to be when they were younger and when their situation wasn't near as depressing.
He takes a sip of the beer and that's when it finally dawns on him. Sanji had always kept the bar stocked of things he liked; had started treating the swordsman kinder after their nakama died and they were the only ones nearby, besides Brook who didn't want to speak to anybody.
The marimo hates being introspective, but he knows that something needs to be done out in the open wind where Sanji's memory is. Here, where his presence is strongest.
He just hasn't figured out what it was that he wants to say; to get out.
It has something to do with this god awful sense of regret he feels swirling around inside him blowin' up dust, like a windmill.
Zoro doesn't like regret.
Sanji would have kicked his ass for behaving this way, though the swordsman wishes he'd hug-
Wait, what?
That can't be right. He didn't just think about the cook hugging him. The cook only hugged Chopper, which had always made Zoro jealous-
...
He laughs. It sounds crazy and bitter to his own ears and has the weird effect of making salt water run down his face. Zoro's hysterical chuckles cease and he just hunches over miserably because the truth has occurred to him.
He'd realized it once before, long ago at Thriller Bark. But in the midst of adrenaline and worry he'd sent the epiphany into the deepest recesses of his mind to ponder over later when he didn't have a battle to concern himself with.
It makes sense now. Why he'd always said he'd given up on love. It's because in those few seconds he'd watched Sanji try and sacrifice himself for Zoro, he already knew things wouldn't work out.
The cook was very obviously straight, and even if there was some semblance of being bi in the cook's nature, Zoro wouldn't know it because he'd never told Sanji. The swordsman didn't give him a chance to say that it wasn't Zoro's place to decide if things worked out or not.
Now he'll never know. He suspects that, perhaps, Sanji may have loved him if the way he'd acted towards Zoro after their nakama died was any clue.
Zoro wishes he'd said something. He wishes they'd cleared the air a long time ago.
But if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride. And Zoro's no beggar. Him dwelling on this for hours is so unlike him to begin with. He doesn't need to add wishes on top of it. Which is something Thriller Bark also taught him: the dead should stay that way.
A haunting sound comes out of your mouth. The swordsman recognizes it as a cross between a sob and a laugh. He hasn't made that sound since Kuina.
The beer bottle is empty.
Zoro stands up and begins walking back to the little house Sanji had had Franky build for him.
He knows the others won't be there. They'd be back at the hotel, waiting for Zoro. He knows they'll get the hint in another hour or two, though.
Zoro approaches the simple house and makes his way over to the lantern that is hanging next to the door.
The spare key is still inside. He puts the key inside the lock, but hesitates. This... This will probably be harder to handle inside this place.
He turns the key the final notch and the door swings open.
It smells like him. Zoro knew it would. He just didn't know it'd hurt this badly.
He looks around at all the furniture. The too big table that seats too many, the industrial sized appliances that'd feed too many, the large couch and TV that rarely saw any use, the desk Zoro always saw him in; he doesn't want to go into the bedroom.
So, instead, like an idiot, Zoro sits at the cook's desk. For a while he just sits, and sits, and sits. Thoughts tumble around his head about what a future would have been like with the cook, had feelings been mutual and Zoro'd been man enough to tell him.
They'd be in this house with a couple of kids that maybe they weren't really blood-related to, but they'd still love them and spoil them rotten nonetheless.
Zoro'd have taught them swordsmanship, and Sanji would have taught them the Blackleg style and cooking. The kids probably would have been trouble makers too. Zoro smiles softly and a tenderness reaches his eyes.
Ugh, his heart aches. God, the swordsman loved that cryptic, sarcastic bastard for all he was worth. Damn. Zoro loved him.
Zoro's brought out of his musings by a few pieces of paper sticking out of the drawer. It's out of place, if anything, and it confuses him. So, like the curious long-nose would, he investigates.
As Zoro reads them, the letters, he wishes he hadn't. The swordsman finishes reading the last one and slumps in the chair, feeling more heartbroken than he'd started out as. God dammit! If only...
His arm falls limp and the paper falls from his hand.
He should never have come here.
Tears mist in his eyes and cloud his vision. He's miserable, heartbroken, and has nothing to keep him going. Zoro starts to see why some people commit suicide. It's not because they're weak or because whatever it was was bad... It's because they just couldn't cope with it. They were trapped in a corner with no way out, nowhere to go, and no reason to stay.
He thinks Luffy- hell all of them - would have killed him if they knew he was thinking like this.
He doesn't care. He just wants the curly brow back.
Zoro wants to tell him that he's sorry for being such a thick, barbaric, marimo, muscle head. Zoro wants to lean in close and tell him that he's sorry he
hadn't done this sooner; hadn't said something a hell of a long time ago. He wants to whisper in the love cook's ear that Zoro'd love to hear him say his name, and the marimo hopes to god the cook wants him to say his.
Zoro wants to hear him scream out in pleasure when he's making love to the dartboard. He'd even be willing to let Sanji top, since he respects the nitwit so damn much. Zoro thinks the cook would make him harder than he'd even been in his whole life.
Zoro wishes he could hear the cook's groggy, sleep-deprived, satiated voice after a long night of hot, passionate sex in the morning. He wishes he could wrap his arms around the cook's slim waist while he's cooking breakfast. Zoro wishes he could hear the kids running down the stairs and yelling "good morning".
The swordsman wishes everyone was sitting around that too big table with shit-eating grins on their faces, laughter in their eyes, and jokes on their lips as they tease you to "get a room". It's so realistic you can see it, taste it, smell it, hear it. And it breaks your heart all over again.
But Sanji can't do that anymore. So the marimo gets lost in fantasies that have no hope of ever becoming real.
Zoro can see Brook with a smile the size of Titanic on his boney face- ha, skull joke- just like the skeleton used to look. The swordsman can hear Brook playing that violin and Franky playing his guitar. They're all singing; they're all happy. The kids look like nothing in life could be better than this. Is better than this. Zoro can see Robin smiling beautifully as she rubs her large, swollen belly and converses with Nami. Robin has a glow that surrounds her like a cape when she looks at Franky and then at her belly. The marimo can see Nami give the rubber idiot the same look, and then pout moodily.
Zoro can see Vivi with an engagement ring and she's finally brought Kohza to meet her other family. Zoro can see Chopper dancing on the table. He laughs boisterously because he knows how Sanji will scold the adorable reindeer for doing that. The kids are clapping to the beat and laughing with Usopp. The sharpshooter looks more grown up and happy than Zoro's seen him in a long time. Kaya has their daughter cradled in her arms and Usopp is hugging her from behind with a gaze filled with love.
The marimo eventually sits at the too big table to join them, and, as you turn back he sees Sanji look at him the way Usopp just did with Kaya. So Zoro does the only rational thing a man in love can do. He moves to him and gathers the cook in his arms. The swordsman spins Sanji around and both of them laugh.
Zoro slows down and looks up into Sanji's eyes since he's holding him off the ground. He kisses the cook softly and whispers, "I love you."
It's all in his head though. It's not real and it never will be. But he's okay with that. He can just sit here and dream about how things would be in a different world. In a different life. The fact that he's hungry and thirsty doesn't register. He just wants to sit there and be with Sanji; with all of them. Just like the way things used to be.
He has time. No one's looking for him.
Zoro can see Sanji hanging up the wet clothes to dry on a beautiful sunny day in their backyard. The kids are running around playing with each other and laughing. The marimo's heart swells at the warmth and joy of this place. Sanji turns to smile at him and Zoro waves from inside the house with a beer in his hand; their beer.
Sanji quit smoking when they got the kids. The swordsman thinks that is the cutest thing he's ever seen the cook do. When he did that, Zoro had walked up to him and said, "I'll reward you for that."
Zoro can see Robin and Franky's wedding as a distant memory as they sit at Sanji's kitchen table holding their adorable, newborn baby girl. He can see Luffy holding Nami's hand. He can see Chopper and Brook still singing and dancing merrily.
He loves this life.
Luffy and Nami had been married a year after that. They had four children.
Zoro can see Sanji with white hair, and himself with greenish grey. Their kids are off adventuring with their own pirate crew now. He's not worried though. Maybe just a little bit. He can see Sanji with his old, wrinkled skin and laughing about how they're old men now.
The two of them had always tried to keep things happy, since Franky and Robin died. Franky had died of a heart attack. He'd been eighty-two. The shipwright had died in his sleep, peacefully. Robin died a month later from an aneurysm. Their kid had left with Sanji and his years ago... When they'd turned twenty. Franky and Robin were buried at the top of the pier. A tall, oak tree and a bench were there for any visitors.
Sanji dies as an old man the next year at age sixty-seven. Zoro doesn't know why. His grave is up on the pier too. Right next to Robin's.
Zoro can't live without him, though. He doesn't wanna try. They say that with old couples who've been married for years- they have a true, everlasting love. One that makes them physically incapable of living without the other person. Zoro knows he and Sanji had that kind of love. He knows Robin and Franky had that kind of love. He knows that between all of their nakama, you all share that kind of love.
It's probably why the swordsman died a week later. Nobody knows why. He was an old man though. So long as Sanji is waiting for him, he didn't care if he was dead.
God, he wished he'd said something.
They found him in Sanji's house sitting at the too big table with a letter in his hands. Tear stains smudging the ink on the paper.
They found him with his eyes closed and a smile on his face like he'd been thinking of something happy; like he'd been somewhere else.
They learned that you really can die of a broken heart.
They buried him next to Sanji at the top of the pier and read the letter out loud during the funeral.
They start by saying how he'd been missing for three days and how they'd found him.
Usopp is the one who reads the letter. His voice stumbles and cracks and tears are pouring down his face, but this is important so he reads on:
/"... 'I don't know why I'm writing this in a letter I have no intention of sending, but maybe I secretly hope your shitty marimo self will go digging through my shit and find this so it makes things easier on the both of us. I don't like to think of myself as a coward, but this is all your fault you shitty asexual marimo bastard, you make me a coward. Ah... Goddammit. I'm just gonna come out and say it-write it- whatever, you know what I mean. I love you, Zoro. I have for a long time. Probably since Thriller Bark. I won't write it again, asshole, so you better be reading this carefully. ... God, I hope you find this letter.'/
"In black ink, underneath that last sentence, it says: 'God, I wish I'd said something'. The- the handwriting is Zoro's."
They're all crying now. Crying and laughing because it is just so Sanji and because it was so stupidly tragic.
The pier hasn't seen life in many years now. The only person who visits it now is a woman with long, grayish, blue hair and black eyes, like her father's. She is visiting her parents who are placed farther down than the other graves that are located closer to the edge, at the top.
Her mother had wanted to be buried here no matter what.
The woman starts at the grave at the top farthest to the left. It's a memorial with five names engraved on it. She bows deeply, and then moves to the second grave. Sanji, it read. She bowed again. The third grave at the top read Roronoa Zoro. She bowed. The fourth, and final, grave at the top of the pier read Brook. She bowed once more. The two graves below the four were her parents. Vivi and Kohza Nefertari. She smiled warmly and then left the sad, sad gravesite.
They'd all died within a year of each other, according to rumors. The woman thought about how nice it'd be to love so many people like that, that you just couldn't live without them.
The woman walked into the cozy cottage at the bottom of the hill, grabbed a bottle from the fridge and popped the cap off of it. She sat down on the worn couch and drank a beer.