He's gonna take you back to the past
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He'd rather have a buffalo
Take a diarrhea dump in his ear
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole
Of a road killed skunk and down it with beer
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
Sword Art Online
What can I say, there have been some shitty games over the years. Spanning from the 8 bit, 16 bit and even 64 bit era. It was only in my Mega Man review that I ever really reviewed a game from the 21st century. And normally I don't review games from the 21st century, hell I don't even review games that were made six years from now.
But in the year 2022 one game came out that was more than 16 or 64 bit, it dared to go where no game has gone before, Sword Art Online. What frontier did this introduce gamers to? Virtual reality MMO RPG.
That's right, say good by to the times sitting on your ass playing WOW or Diablo, now comes the times where you're still sitting on your ass, but this time you're running and jumping around in fields and dungeons made completely from one's and zero's.
For the most part it was ground breaking, it introduced players to a new console, the nerve gear, and for the first year it was only sold in Japan with a limited number of copies and hardware. It was the next revolutionary step in gaming so why did so many people hate it?
Well let's pop this fucker in and find out!
Before I begin, let's talk about the nerve gear. It looks like a motorcycle helmet had sex with a power ranger's mask, made in true Japanese style. You put it on and it has to run some calibrations by having you touch yourself to get a reading. Then you close your eyes and….(nothing)
Ok I'm seeing battery life is full and the clock, my nerve gear is plugged into my computer and I have strong connection despite being in New Jersey, why won't the game start?
Oh that's right I didn't say the magic words.
That's right in order to get logged in you have to audibly say a certain phrase. Now this is not the first time that video games tried to intergrade one's own voice as a gameplay mechanic. For instance there was the Konami Laser Scope, Hey You Pikachu for the Nintendo 64 and the Nintendo DS to Xbox one had something like that. But to make it mandatory to start the fucking game?
Well anyway let's see what the words are to start. (ahem)
"Start!"
"ON!"
"Ugh ok umm, Play!"
"….."
"Ass!"
"Diarrhea puke!"
"Shitload of fuck!"
What in the name of unholy cunt fuck am I supposed to say!?
Oh here we go, "Link Start!"
There we go and to be honest my eyes saw what basically looked like the star trek warp speed getting raped by a gay pride parade. And oh shit, are all sorts of things are flying at me. Ok now we log in and set our language and so on and now I create an avatar.
Wait, why the hell did I need to touch myself all over to get a reading when I am about to create a body at the proportions that I want? That's just like giving Doctor Jekyll the cain to defend himself, it makes no difference.
Next we pick out what our character will look like. Unfortunately the clothing options are limited starting out. You start with some polo sweater and armor that wouldn't even stop a baby's fist from knocking you on your ass. Man I can't even get a shirt with a pocket to put pens in it, we're not even at the start of the game and I can't even get my avatar to look cool. Too bad I can't create an avatar to look like the Bullshit Man because that's were I'm already at.
Also you can choose if you want to be male or female and how old you want to look, that'll sure make the online predators happy. I mean c'mon seriously? You can just waltz around like a twelve year old girl when in reality your a thirty year old man?
Whatever if I have a problem with it, it's not like people have ever accused me of being sexist and misogynistic before.
Ok now we're in the game and first off I gotta say, it's pretty impressive. And the best part is, you don't have to worry about shitty camera controls or any bad controls for that matter because your mind is the controller. That's right it's just like walking around in real life.
You may be thinking exactly what keeps you from moving in the real world. Well the answer is simple, they use a microwave emitter to prevent signals from the brain going to the rest of your body. If it's a microwave I wonder if I can cook food in it. I dunno because I also don't want to die from brain cancer!
Now you're probably wondering what the combat is like. Well have you ever gone LARPING while on a hunting trip? If you have then you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. It's interesting when you get hit, because you can't feel pain so that's nice, you could get punched in the balls all day and never feel it.
Now for the sword or whatever weapon you choose to start with, you can actually charge it up to get a more devastating blow. All you have to do is charge it up and…..
Ok I'm charging why isn't it glowing? C'mon glow or something you piece of shit!
RRRGGGHHHHH! Get the fuck charged!
There we go!
So after getting my ass handed to be by a wild boar, whose the lowest level enemy in the game, you get points and….col?
That's the name of the money? Col?
They couldn't call it gold, or currency or some shit? They have to pick a name that sounds the least associated with money?
What do you tell your friends when you're hanging out?
"Hey man, you got some col on ya?"
That sounds like a poorly marketed drug name from a terrible movie!
Anyway I….are you serious! The boar just re spawned?! Not just anywhere but right where you're standing. Haven't they learned anything over the past thirty years? We had games like Ninja Turtles and Ninja Gaiden do that, and that was one thing, but this! This is fucking cheap!
Now I'd love to show you more of the game but apparently there is a meeting in the main town, the town of beginnings and you have to attend. You get transported there automatically so there's no getting out of it.
That's like the annoying little Navi in zelda not only telling you 'Hey! Listen!' but also grabbing you by the balls and dragging you where you need to be.
So in the town of beginnings we meet the game master, who you think would look more like a game master and not some cheap knock off from Castlevania, who tells you about Aincrad.
Then he tells you that there's now way to log out of the game, at all.
What the hell, that's like designing a Nintendo without a power off button. I mean does someone have to take the nerve gear off you or what?
He then proceeds to tell you that the if you die in the game you die in real life…..
?
Turns out the microwave chip in the nerve gear will emit a pulse that will fry your brain if you die in the game, but oh no it gets better than that. If someone tries to remove it or if it loses power you'll also die.
…
WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING!?
So now I'm being held hostage by some laughin' jokin numbnuts now? Why would they do this to such a great game? It's like getting a sundae then having it drizzled with smelly gonorrhea from a dead dogs dick hole then having to consume it up your anus!
Oh wait it gets better, the only way to get out of the game is for someone to beat all one hundred floors.
First off, BEAT AN MMO! ONE HUNDRED FLOORS!?
Whose God forsaken shit storm of an idea was this? The only way I can do that is to level up and get all the good weapons which is a job that all the wish fulfillment players will get first, so I'm fucked.
He then gives you a mirror; a mirror?! We look into it and then…our avatars are replaced by our own faces and bodies?
What the hell was the point of creating an avatar if in the end you're just forced to look like your lame ass self!? It's like giving a guy viagra then chopping his dick off! Man what a shitload of fuck!
Pfft, Aincrad, more like Aincrap.
So what happens to my body outside the nerve gear, will I die from starvation? Will the scourge of incontinence force me to lay in my own shit while I lay motionless and unable to stop it? Will aliens land on earth and destroy my home leaving me defenseless to be anal probed?
Well can't do anything about it now, so I guess I'll just have to collect my col and try and beat this son of a bitch. I mean hell I beat Ghosts and Goblins how hard can it be?
To be continued.