A/N: I don't own In Treatment but I do have emotional scars from it.
Jesse fucking hates medication. He hates the way pills stick to his tongue and how they either only sort of have a taste or they taste like a botched science experiment and he especially hates how fucking expensive they are. Like, holy shit, you'd think something that was apparently so necessary for his wellbeing would cost a little goddamn less. When he was a kid, pills use to make him gag. He doesn't have much of a gag reflex anymore.
He hates his parents, both real and fake. His rich asshole of a father who couldn't be bothered with a kid and his nasty fucking crackwhore mom who's probably dead from syphillis or some shit like that. Just thinking about them pissed him off. They're worse than Marisa and Roberto. At least those two still buy him shit and try to make sure he isn't dead.
He hates church, because it turned Marisa against him. And it's full of shitheads and hypocrites who don't know their own ass from a hole in the ground. In the Bible there's a story about a guy named Noah who rounds up two of every animal and shoves them into a big ass boat. Jesse thinks this story is bullshit because, like, wouldn't some of the animals eat the other ones? How much food did he bring for all these animals? I mean, it was probably all pretty fucking heavy with all that food and water and all those elephants and shit. That's four fucking elephants. That's like 40 thousand pounds of elephant. No fucking way did that boat float.
But, anyway, Jesse doesn't hate the church because of the stupid elephant boat story, he hates the church because the church hates him. He's never read the bible but apparently there's a part in there that says "thou shalt be a fucking asshole to queers", because he hears a lot of religious people say some pretty terrible shit. He thought Christians were supposed to love everyone.
He hates school, which is why he rarely goes. School is such bullshit. Who the fuck cares about electrons? When is he ever going to have to use parabolas? He'd honestly rather get his balls ripped off by a cow than go to school. The teachers are almost all assholes who hate their jobs and the kids are assholes who need somewhere to pretend to be while they're off beating the shit out of people like him and giving/receiving piss poor handjobs. Maybe he's just a misanthrope. (That's someone who thinks everybody's full of shit, which isn't something he learned at school.)
He doesn't hate Nate, which is fucked up because there's pretty much no one he doesn't hate. He likes Nate's eyes and he thinks Nate is funny and he gives really really good head. He's met Nate's mom before. She calls him Nathan and it'd be weird if it wasn't cute. He has a really big house, when they have sex there they have to be really quiet because everything echoes. When nobody's home though, they can be as loud as they want and it's pretty fucking sweet to have Nate's swearing and moaning his name reverberating in his ears while he blows him.
He hates the idea that he might love Nate, but he shoves that far far away into the back of his mind and tries not to think about it. It's kind of hard to ignore, though, when he's staring up at him with that stupid smile of his and pressing little tiny kisses onto his chest. And sometimes when they watch movies together, he holds Jesse's hand and kisses him through the boring parts and that scares Jesse a lot because that sounds really close to what he figures love must be.
Jesse loves to come. Everybody does, but Jesse especially. He doesn't care how, when or why it happens, having an orgasm is the best feeling in the whole universe. When he's not out getting laid, he spends at least 35% of his time jacking off. Sometimes when no one's home, he makes an evening out of it. Turns off all the lights, gets a few candles going, thinks about Nate's lips and fucks himself with a vibrator until he's shaking and whimpering and short of breath. It's almost as good as when Nate is actually there.
He doesn't hate Josh and Raif either, but sometimes he wonders how much he really likes them. Sometimes he thinks he should stop seeing them like he's been told to, make some friends his own age and all that. But, that's what he's been told to do so, of course, that's exactly what he's not going to do. Besides, Josh and Raif can be pretty okay when they need to.
His school counsellor told him to write this all down, he thinks maybe he should leave the parts about sex with Nate and fucking himself out, but his train of thought just led him there and he guesses that's significant in some way, so he leaves it in. He isn't really into censorship, especially not concerning himself, so he leaves in all the swearing too. It's not like Miss U has never heard swearing before.
He kind of felt bad after he wrote the letter, though because he realised that he basically just told Miss U Nate was gay, but then he didn't give a shit because Nate doesn't even go to their school anymore and it's not like she's going to tell anyone.
After he gave her that letter, they made him start going to therapy. He guesses they think he's addicted to sex or something. Maybe.
Jesse kind of hates therapy. Only kind of.