"Why?"
The moon reflected off the choppy sea water in a distorted blob of white sheen. The water looked cold, though how it appeared to be was most definitely not an accurate representation of exactly how cold it was.
It's going to be cold. [Don't think about that.] But it's going to be cold. [Don't think about that!]
The pier was cold, too. Maybe it was the wind, maybe it was the spray from the sea as the waves broke over the stanchions. Or maybe it had to to with the back and forth argument going on in inside her head; the angry voice overpowering the timid one, telling her that it was going to be better soon. Or, maybe it was the rope around her ankle; the one thing that she felt made sense any more.
Or, maybe, it was cold because the words she offered up to the sky were given no recognition. They were blown away like dandelion fluff, ignored. But they were her words, and she wasn't just saying them for the sake of saying them. They meant something to her. They were the only things she'd had for the past two months. And they were being left to dry, tossed aside, bottled away and never seen again. They were being eaten by the silence. The silence…
The wind fluttered the glossy paper she held in her hand. Elsa looked down at it—through the teardrops beaded up on top of it—for probably the hundredth time that night. She drew a deep breath as she looked at her sister's cherry-red hair and boisterous grin, her mother's loving smile, her father's strong chin and proud eyes. And she looked at herself, the white-blond hair braided over her shoulder, the innocent blueness of her eyes, the tentative smile that graced her lips. "I owed you more than that…" Elsa's voice shook and creaked. "You...loved me…a-and I gave you…nothing."
There was a crash of waves again, and her attention was drawn to the sea. They're out there… Somewhere out there, the three others from her photo rested. [Waited, Elsa. They're waiting for you.] The loud voice in her head forced her attention back to the rope. It was right, they were waiting. But, Elsa, he's waiting too. The smaller voice butt into her head, surfacing a moment before being squashed again.
She'd left him just a few days ago. He didn't need to worry, she'd decided. It was better for the both of them if they weren't together tonight. He wouldn't miss her, anyways. They'd been strained ever since she'd lost her family, and she could see he was becoming increasingly frustrated. [He's not really waiting. He's happier without you, less stressed.] It was for the best. Elsa flapped the photo in her hand. It's for the best.
The smaller voice was gone. The larger one was all that remained. Nobody will even know. You'll be together with them. They want you to join them. They loved you, they want you back. She dropped the photo into the sea, rising to her feet. "I'm...I'm coming, guys! I l-love you!"
The pier creaked behind her. Her head spun around, and she could see that someone had begun walking towards where she had been sitting. He wore a dark, hooded sweatshirt that obscured his face and a pair of light jeans. He had a guitar slung over his back, and she could see the white cords of a pair of headphones that ran from his pocket up to his ears. "Oh, no," she whispered. Someone was here. Someone would see. He won't stop you; nobody can stop you if you don't want them to. It's better to just do it before he gets too close. She nodded to herself, turning to the weights she had dragged out onto the pier with her. It was just a matter of sliding them a couple feet. Shouldn't take much time at all.
"Hey!?" Her eyes widened in shock. The stranger had removed one earbud, his pace of walking quickened slightly. "Hey?! What's going on down there?" He stepped forward into one of the dim lights that hung over the walkway, removing his hood. She felt her stomach try to empty itself. "Are you okay, Miss? Is something going on?"
It was him; /u/Duckbutt11. How? How did he find me? How is he here? We weren't supposed to be together tonight! She felt her insides begin to churn, her pulse pounding out of her chest. Her brain screamed for one thing: do it quickly, before he knows who you are. She quickly began sliding the weights towards the edge of the pier. "I-I-I'm okay! It's fine! Go—go away!" She felt the weights slide over something long and thin.
"Hey!" He started moving faster. "Hey! Let me talk to you for a second! I promise I just want to talk!"
"No! I don't need to talk!" Her bare foot stepped on some rope, and she looked down quickly. Her heart stopped. I didn't tie it to the weights yet! How stupid of her! Quickly she dropped to her hands and knees, frantically clawing at the loose end of the rope. "Just go home! I'll be fine!"
He was very close now. "Holy fuck, Elsa?!" She slid the rope through one of the holes in the weights. "Elsa, what are you doing? Elsa! Elsa!" She felt his hand close around her wrist. "Elsa, what the fuck?"
She screamed. "No! Let go!" He was much stronger than her, and he pulled her away from the weights with no effort at all. "Let me fucking go! Let me go!" She shrieked the last word as he spun her around away from the edge of the pier and wrapped his other arm around her midsection, lifting her into the air. She kicked and struggled, thrashing wildly against his shoulders and sides with her unrestrained legs and her free arm. "AAAAAAAUGGHHH! GO AWAAAAY! GOOOOO! AWAAAAAAY!" She felt the anguish tear her throat to shreds as she screamed her orders. She elbowed him in the ear, and he fell forward on top of her, knocking the wind out of her as his arm crushed her diaphragm.
"Ungh! Stop it!" He grunted into her ear as he quickly worked to restrain her further, leaving her gasping for breath in choked drags, coughing up blood. She felt like someone had run a belt sander along the inside of her throat, and her head felt like it was going to split in two. He slipped the rope off of her ankle, undoing the knot and quickly wrapping it around her wrists to hold them together. He slipped out from the strap of his guitar and rolled onto her ankles, laying across them and trapping them underneath his body. She was stuck. She had been caught. She was still on the pier. And, worst of all, /u/Duckbutt11 had been the one to do it all.
Her wheezes subsided, and his breath began to slow. "Jesus Christ, Elsa," /u/Duckbutt11 said, "what in the fuck are you doing out here?" She coughed again, tasting another globule of blood. Her eyes began to water. "Were you about to fucking drown yourself?" She coughed, a sob. "Answer my fucking question!"
"So what if I w—aaaau-cghau-cghau!" Elsa's answer was garbled anyways by her tears, but she hadn't expected speaking to hurt so much. She retched in another fit of coughs, more blood forcing itself into her sinuses and spraying onto the pier. She spat, trying again to speak. "Nobody would've cared!" She managed to barely choke out the sentence, her throat burning with every syllable, every tear falling from her eyes like acid on her cheeks.
"Elsa, what are you talking about?" /u/Duckbutt11 slammed his palm into the wooden pier. "What in God's name would make you say that?"
"Stop ye—cghau-cghau-cghau! AAAAAAAACGHAU-CGHAU-CGHAU!" She felt like she was going to die. "Stop...yelling...at...me…" Elsa retched again. The pain was making her cry. Sound of the ocean was making her cry. The emptiness in her heart was making her cry. The tears in her eyes were making her cry. She drew in a long, slow breath, trying not to breathe in any of her own tears. "You...don't know…" She sniffed. "I...want...to…"
/u/Duckbutt11 took a deep breath. He swore under his breath. "Elsa." His voice was calm, but choked. "I'm getting up." He shifted his weight, releasing her feet. She began to wriggle away. He clamped his hand around her ankle. "Elsa, why?" She shook her head. "Do you know what I've been thinking these past couple days? I've been losing sleep trying to figure out why!"
"You...wouldn't care."
"Why would you think that?"
"Because…"
/u/Duckbutt11 shook Elsa's ankle. "Elsa, what is this about? Was it something I did? Is there something I can do to help?"
Elsa shuddered. "No, it's not you."
"Then what is it?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because it doesn't matter!"
"Will you stop being stubborn just this once? Please!" /u/Duckbutt11's eyes were beginning to well up too, Elsa could see. "We promised we would tell each other things! We promised, Elsa!"
"That was bef—cghau—before! I don't have to tell you anything anymore." /u/Duckbutt11 released her ankle. She squirmed away again, sitting up straight and wriggling her arms free of the makeshift restraints he had wound around her wrists. "Besides," she muttered, "it's not like there's any point any more."
"Point to what? Elsa, I don't know what you're talking about!" /u/Duckbutt11 was slamming his fists on the pier, punctuating each word with a deep, wooden thud. "I came out here to play my guitar and pretend you didn't leave me, and I find you trying to fuckingdrown yourself!" He drew in a deep, ragged breath. "And finally—finally—I have a chance to find the answers I've been praying for, and you're just shutting me out!"
Elsa swallowed heavily; feeling the thick gumminess of blood slide down her raw trachea. Her eyes flicked over to the weights that teetered on the edge of the pier. "You want answers?" /u/Duckbutt11's head snapped up to meet her eyes. She bit her tongue, hard. "Me too."
"So, what? Do I have to wait for you to get yours first?" /u/Duckbutt11 bared his teeth in a grimace. "Who are you to decide that?"
"I don't know! I don't…" Elsa clawed at her forehead. "I don't know, /u/Duckbutt11! I don't know who I am, or what to do, or why I shouldn't just fucking die right now."
"Do you want me to answer those questions for you?" Elsa could hear his voice crack. "I can answer those questions!"
"I don't need those questions answered!"
"Then what do you want?"
"I want my sister back!" Elsa felt her tears begin to run again. "I want Anna, and Momma and Poppa! They died on that cruise to Bermuda; that one I couldn't go on because of work! I should have been with them! I should be dead!" She thrust an angry finger towards the weights. "I'm going to see them again tonight! I wanted to just do it and stop making you mad, but I can't even be given that much!" She waved her arms around frantically, extending her turmoil into the night sky. "I want to know why I couldn't've gone with them! Why did I get to live? What did I do to deserve to have to keep going, knowing that the only people who ever loved me didn't deserve to live any more?" She let her arms flop to her sides. She was panting, her throat stinging something fierce. She spat out a mouthful of blood again, fighting with all her might to keep herself from succumbing to another fit of coughs. "Can you answer that? Because, so far, nothing's even come close to trying."
/u/Duckbutt11's jaw was slack. He rolled back on his heels, flopping onto the ground and laying back on the pier. His breath came slow and shallow. The only noise Elsa could hear was the crashing of the waves below.
He raised his hands to his face. "God…Elsa. Why didn't you say anything?"
"You didn't need to know."
"Bullshit!" /u/Duckbutt11 sat bolt upright. "Bullshit, I didn't need to know Elsa! It was killing me inside not knowing why you were getting so withdrawn!"
"You were getting mad, I—"
"Mad? Elsa, I'd never get mad at you for sharing something like that with me! I was trying my best to respect your privacy and not be prying, but I did ask many times if everything was okay, and you didn't really answer." Elsa pulled on her braid. "I was frustrated by how quiet you were being, because it wasn't a 'normal' quiet. I wasn't mad, it wasn't that I'd stopped caring!"
"Then why did I have to live?"
"That's not what it means!" /u/Duckbutt11 crawled across the pier. "It's not that you got 'chosen' or that they were 'punished' or whatever! It was an accident!"
"It's not fair!—aaaacghau-cghau!" Elsa nearly vomited, the pain in her throat was still so intense. "It's not fair!"
"Elsa…" /u/Duckbutt11 put a hand on her leg. "Elsa, is your throat hurt? Let me take you to the hospital; we can get it looked at and taken care of."
Elsa recoiled from his touch. "How can you still want to help me? I'm a fucking mess! I broke up with you so I could kill myself!"
"I love you; that's why!" /u/Duckbutt11 put a hand on her again. "I care about you! I want you to be happy!" He motioned out towards the sea. "They care about you too! They love you too, and they wouldn't want you to kill yourself over them!" He reached up and grabbed hold of Elsa's shoulders, forcing her to look at him. He had tears in his eyes.
"I'm scared, Elsa. I'm scared for you."
Elsa's scratchy, raw throat began to pinch shut. The sound of the waves was more than she could bear to hear. Her world was starting to unravel; everything she thought she knew was not to be, and everything she wanted to know was becoming more and more clear. He hadn't been angry, he'd been afraid. She shouldn't have been so rash. There were other options. [No! Anna will never forgive you!] She doesn't need to forgive me. The smaller voice had returned, growing stronger and firmer by the second. It shoved the angry voice out of the way, bringing it's reason and judgement to the forefront of Elsa's mind. /u/Duckbutt11 is right. Listen to him.
/u/Duckbutt11 rubbed Elsa's shoulders. "No matter what you may think about yourself, or what may happen," he said, slowly, shakily—Elsa could tell he was getting choked up by how heavily she was already crying "—you never have to feel alone again. You can tell me anything, and I will listen." He looked quickly at her ankle, where the rope was still tied on. "And I want to help you, Elsa. I want to help you work through this. Counseling, therapy, meds, whatever. Nothing is too much, nothing is out of the question. They would never ask you for this." He smiled weakly. "They still love you; I still love you. I'll love you until you die, but you are not dying tonight."
"/u/Duckbutt11!" Elsa wailed. She slumped forward, her head dropping onto her knees. /u/Duckbutt11 wrapped his arms around her, holding her with gentle authority. He was protecting her, keeping her safe from the wind and the sea and the voices in her head. And Elsa was happy to let him. She felt so cold, the rope around her ankle felt like it weighed a million pounds. But his arms felt strong, they felt secure. They felt like the arms of someone who cared. They felt like love. "I'm s-s-so stupi-id!" She picked at the knot in the rope, trying to get her leg free. "I'm so stu-upid! I'm sorry! I'm so-orry-y!"
Every gasping breath hurt her chafed throat, and she coughed more. /u/Duckbutt11 shushed her softly. "Elsa, let's get you to the hospital and get your throat checked. Come on." He made to stand up.
"No!" She clawed down on his back, forcing him back to his knees. "I need you! Don't let me go!" She wanted him to hold her for every moment of the long, full life she had ahead of her. Momma always said he was a good boy. She squeezed harder. "Don't let me go, /u/Duckbutt11. Don't let me go."
"Never, Elsa. Never again."
The sheen of the moon on the ocean was broken up by the curl of another wave as it crashed into the pier. The spray was cold, but nothing was going to bother Elsa so long as he was there with her.