My Lover's Journal
Disclaimer: Don't own Victorious, and probably never will, sadly
Beck's POV
What hurts the most, is being here holding Jade's hand, thinking about Robbie. It's so wrong I don't feel right at all. I want to let her go but I am afraid she will follow. Robbie is sitting across from us just writing something in his journal. Looking up at me every few minutes then quickly looking away. I feel so guilty, I told him I loved him last night I told him I would let go of Jade for him. I promised but I am still here holding Jade in front of him. He is always been the one I could always go to and he still is. I have know him forever, I have loved him forever but I was always scared to admit. Knowing that he feels the same, adds so much more guilt.
I am with Jade to cover up the love for Robbie. I can't I can't eat my food right now this is just so depressing, just, just seeing him like this tears me apart. I want to make his pain stop I want to make him happy like he makes me. But how can I if I am afraid to let Jade go. I have to, I have to let go of her for him, for Robbie. Once the bell rings to signal us to go home, to signal that the day is over. Robbie runs off as fast as he can to his car without even taking one look at me. "Jade, I will see you later, Ok" I say to her with no patience. I have to get to Robbie before he leaves he just needs to know what I am feeling is real it is true.
She sighs as I kiss her on her cheek and let go of her hand. To go run to Robbie I barely realize there is barely any sun out which scares me more. "Robbie, Robbie please wait" I plead he stops the car and I hurry and get in. "Robbie, I really do love you, please just take me to your house and let me explain." He just nods and starts driving again. I look down at his lap and I see his journal, I wonder what he writes in his journal. When we arrive at his house he gets out without a sound with his journal in his hand. It's like he replaced his puppet Rex, with this journal that he always carries.
I get out and follow behind him, we get in the house and he slowly closes the door. He leads me to his room and it's dark. Normally Robbie's room is never dark, never even when we make love it's never dark. It just adds more fear inside my heart. He turns around to face me the only light there is, is the light coming from the moon outside. It's night I was too focused on Robbie and his journal to realize. His eyes are dark he looks so weak and empty. I reach to touch him but he pushes my hand away. "Robbie" I whisper and scoot closer "Robbie, I love you so much just let me prove" I plead him because I need him so much. I need him to love me I need him to know that I really love him. I need him to know that I do need him.
"I love you too Beck" he whispers, the first words I have heard from him since last night. I try to hug him but he scoots back, like, like he is scared. "Robbie, I won't hurt you, trust me" I whisper to him trying to get him to believe me. "You have already hurt me, Beck but I still love you." He whispers and once it hits me, it hurts me so much. "Robbie I'm so sorry" I apologize that's all I can do is apologize and it kills me that I can't do anything else. "I trusted you Beck I trusted you and you let me down." He whispers to me with just too much hurt in his voice. I try to touch him again but he drops his journal and runs out of the room.
"Robbie!" I scream after him I quickly pick up the open journal and see a drawn picture of me and him. Saying Beck I will always love you, this love in my heart will never die out, but neither will the pain you gave me. I drop the journal and run after him after searching through the other pages. I see drawings of Robbie cutting himself, jumping of buildings, hanging himself, standing in the middle of the street. And the last page is a drawing of him sitting at a table, staring at me and Jade kissing. Saying I thought you loved me back Beck. I run after him as fast as I can I run outside and it's raining.
I see Robbie's body laid out on the street, bloody I run to him. I fall down to the street with him and lift his head. "Robbie!, Robbie!, please I fucking love you! please don't leave me! I promise I will never leave you again! I fucking promise! I need you! Robbie! Please!" I scream as loud as I can hoping he can hear me. The driver of the car in front of us with Robbie's blood splattered on the front. Gets out and hurries to dial 911. But it's too late "I'm so sorry, Robbie I'm so sorry" Robbie's eyes barely open and he whispers weakly "Beck I fucking love you too and I'm so sorry too, Beck."
His eyes then close and it begins to rain "No! No! Robbie, Please!" I scream but he is gone, he is gone "I'm so sorry Robbie! Please don't leave me!" I keep screaming but it's no use he can't hear me anymore. I stay there with his blood on me and I cry. And I cry I almost don't feel real anymore. I love Robbie and always will this love with never die out but neither will the pain I gave him.