The average day in hell; it's quite boring actually.
Frankly, I don't enjoy sitting on an empty barren while pouring buckets of sweat. When sweat dries it starts to get itchy and extremely unpleasant. I know, I shouldn't expect hell to be a pleasant place, but for me they should make an exception.
I'm Kenny McCormick, I deserve some special treatment for once in my life! On Earth I have the shittiest life ever: I'm the poorest kid in town, I have to constantly listen to my parents beat the fuck out of each other, my best friend is an asshole, plus I die every few weeks. When I say fuck my life, I truly mean it.
I used my parka to wipe the sweat off my forehead, "I hate hell!"
Normally I wouldn't be a little baby by bitchin' and whining but this is just one of those days were I just can't help it. I'm lonely and being alone just puts me in a bad mood. Even all the worst assholes in all of history are getting more attention than me right now!
Okay… so they may be being horrible abused and harassed, but at least Satan is paying some attention to them. He doesn't even want to torture me! Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't want to be tortured…I just want some sort of attention.
That could be taken the wrong way, I mean considering I'm the pervert someone could take that sexually. Though, I don't want that kind of attention in hell, maybe on Earth, but not in hell. Imagine Saddam Hussein holding me down while Satan rammed into me with his throbbing red cock…I'm shivering just thinking about that!
Gross.
I let out a sigh and huffed. Being alone sucks so many balls.
"Why the long face?" I looked up to see my partner in crime trying to be funny. He held up some dead person's head, the face it had was one of shock and pure horror. Damien was laughing his little head off at his pathetic joke.
I couldn't control myself, I rolled my eyes. Let me just clarify for a moment that Damien is not funny, at all. Yet, he still attempts.
"Prop comedy," I shook my head in disapproval, "That's weak."
He pulled a disembodied arm out from behind his back and used it to give me the middle finger. Good one, Damien! Note my sarcasm.
"Right back at you, babe."
I leaned back on the ground and now all five senses could experience the 'pleasure' that is hell. Clearly all I could see was a wasteland filled with random bursts of flames, how pretty! All I could hear was the crackling of dead bodies being burned and their tortured screams echoing. I could even smell the fire, it didn't smell like burning logs, just burning flesh; that's gross.
The feeling of being in hell is the worst; the heat engulfs your hole body, leaving you dehydrated. Your mouth is dry, making it hard to talk or to even breath. Not that you'd want to breath in the smoke, that just makes you go into coughing spasms. Your body feels like it's on flames twenty-four seven. Kind of like a permanent sunburn that a litter of cats are scratching at with their sharp claws. It's painful, indeed.
The taste of hell? That's hard to explain because my taste is a bit different then others. It's more bitter sweet. I connect my lips with Mr. Damien and taste a sick sensation. The good kind of sick.
I peered over at my buddy and couldn't help but chuckle. He was sitting criss-cross applesauce, you know like most elementary kids. That's not the funniest part though, he was playing with the corpses body parts as if they were Barbie dolls. He was in sheer concentration, too, he stuck his tongue out and bounced the toys around in his hands.
He may be referred to as Prince of Darkness: Ruler of Hell but to me he's just a five year old stuck in a seventeen year old's body.
"I wish I could say your turning me on, but your acting like a preschooler." I spat at him as a sat up.
He didn't bother looking at me as he continued to twist the hand's fingers. "Lust is a sin, yes?"
"Right." I muttered, though I figure it was a rhetorical question.
"That's probably why you're always here. You're one sexual deviant."
I grinned and put my arm around him while nibbling on his ear, "You of all people would know."
He scoffed and shoved me off him. Feisty, I likey!
"Without your sex addiction you'd easily end up in heaven." he muttered almost angrily.
I know why. Because whenever I do end up going to heaven- which is usually only like two percent of the time- he gets angry. "That's not the only sin I possess, young Satan."
I quirked a brow and finally glanced at me, "Go on."
"I'm sloth. When on Earth I'd rather stay in my room sleeping all day then try out for the football team, or do my school work." he rolled his eyes, "When in hell I'd rather spend my whole time cuddling beside you."
Another roll of his eyes, "As expected, that one goes with lust, retard."
"Wrath is one I have to an extent. I don't really fight with people unless absolutely necessary, but have you ever seen me cuss out the fat turd? Jesus doesn't really approve of that."
He scoffed, "I can't wait to his fat ass gets here, his screams of agony will be what I fall asleep to at night." he rubbed his hands together menacingly.
My turn to roll my eyes, "Pride, self explanatory really. What person doesn't have a bit of selfishness in them?"
"Vague but true." he nodded, "That goes along with gluttony. You're a glutton because you don't give to the needy."
"Fuck that, I am the needy!"
"Infidel."
I leaned on his shoulder, "I'd say I'm a glutton for your attention, when I don't get it I go crazy! I'm envious of whoever your with, even the people you torture get more attention than me. That makes me fill up with wrath and greed!"
"Greed?" he cracked a grin.
"I'm greedy because I want all of you to myself."
"Well if that's the truth then I guess-" he paused and gave me a threatening smirk revealing his fangs, "I could torture you."
"Kinky."