Beca Mitchell isn't the kind of person who confronts her emotions often. For her, they're just unnecessary feelings that often cause one kind of drama or the other. She has enough childhood memories to show to that. It's best to keep them out of the mix and somewhere they won't trouble her. She's pretty sure she wouldn't have made it past high school if she cared about them. She's built walls of steel all around herself, and while she does hold a very specific set of people close to her heart – the Bellas – she also carefully manages to keep everyone at an arm's length. Sure, she's occasionally said she loves them, but that was almost always an outcome of being stuck in a life-or-death situation (see also: bear traps). When it comes down to it, sarcasm is her defence mechanism, and she's never really been expressive about her thoughts, so she keeps them to herself. Whenever someone tries to get close to her, a nagging voice in her head tells her to tread carefully and avoid sharing anything personal.
She doesn't consider herself emotionally stunted, by any chance – just someone incapable of having successful relationships. Her and Jesse hadn't really worked out past sophomore year and had quickly switched back to being friends. She's never had a boyfriend or even a close friend throughout her high school years. She doesn't even have a good relationship with her father – the man still thinks DJing (or producing music) isn't a profession, and even though she's actually completed college – which was more than what he wanted for her - he still wants her to specialize in some pathetic career choice the brunette would never even think of pursuing. Her mother was never really in the picture, so essentially, she's always been on her own.
There's only one person who has had a certain impact on the brunette, and that person is Chloe Beale. Her best friend, co-captain in the Bellas and probably the only person she's ever really opened up to. Coincidentally, or maybe not, Chloe also happens to be the person Beca's in love with, and she fucking hates it.
Beca hates the way she wishes she could have a chance with Chloe, she hates the way she looks at the redhead, she hates the way the older woman can effortlessly understand her and make her way into Beca's thoughts easily. She hates all of it, because she knows that none of her relationships will ever work out since she's such a dick when it comes to her feelings. She knows she can give in and just bare herself if that's what it takes to be with Chloe, but that's too big of a risk. She can't simply drop her defences – the defences that she's built since her high school life and have never let her down, until now. She knows she'll eventually end up hurting Chloe in one way or the other, because she isn't the most expressive person when it comes to her thoughts. So it's safe to say, Beca hates what she feels for the redhead. But she doesn't hate the woman. She never could. She just hates herself for falling.
So when Chloe says, "Beca, I love you.", she freezes.
Beca stays silent at the admission as she looks into the eyes of the redhead across her. Sea salt blue, vibrant and clear, sombre and serious right now.
The two are celebrating their last day in the Bella house together. They'd won Worlds a few weeks back and slowly all the Bellas had trickled out, following their careers, until it was just the two of them. They're currently sitting on the floor of the kitchen, talking and laughing. It's late afternoon, and Beca has her flight to LA in the late evening. Chloe would be driving out to a city near Atlanta for her Vet's degree in a few hours. This was probably the last time the two would be seeing each other for a while.
Playing the safe route, the brunette nods.
"That's, um, good to know, Chlo. Love you too."
"No, Becs, you don't get it. I'm in love with you."
"Chlo, you're clearly drunk. You're not thinking clearly." The brunette gestures to the bottle of beer in the redhead's hand, half empty by now. Beca knows that Chloe isn't drunk – not even buzzed, since she has a high tolerance, but she doesn't want to dwell on the topic.
"Beca, I'm not drunk. I love you and I mean it."
Beca remains quiet, not knowing what to say. One part of her is telling her to say it back, because she loves Chloe too; the other telling her it isn't worth it, for their relationship wouldn't last. Beca would be in Los Angeles, while Chloe in Atlanta. Not exactly close to each other. And Beca isn't really the kind of person who's had healthy relationships in the past. To Beca it was clear it wouldn't work out between them.
After a few minutes of thick silence, the older woman pipes up.
"Well, are you going to say something?"
"What do you want me to say, Chloe?" Beca almost snaps at her, and she can see that she's hurt the older woman. She clearly wasn't expecting this.
"I don't know…I just wanted you to know." She's trying to hide it, but Beca can see the doubt, rejection and truth in Chloe's eyes.
"Why now?" She asks timidly.
"What?"
"Why are you telling me this now? Why are you telling this to me when I'm flying out to LA in a few hours and you're fucking going to get your degree from some place hours away?" She decides that if she has to give a reason to Chloe, she can always play the distance card. It is quite true, after all. And now she doesn't have to say anything about what she truly feels.
The redhead doesn't reply, instead just avoids looking at the younger girl and takes another sip of her beer.
After a while, she replies. "I told you, Becs. I just…wanted you to know. I don't know if I want you to say it back."
"I won't say it back that way, Chloe. I can't. And you should move on. I'm going to LA, you're in Atlanta. We can't be together – it'll never work out."
"Why do you think that?"
Chloe isn't really considering long distance a problem here. Beca simply looks at her phone, pretending to check the time, and blankly replies, "I have my flight soon. I've to leave."
"Beca, your flight isn't for another six hours."
The brunette just stands up and walks towards the entrance of the Bella house, lugging her suitcase from where it was kept near the stairs.
"Beca?" The other woman follows her, and Beca hates the way she can hear her voice cracking.
"Bye, Chlo."
As she leaves the house, heading on to the main street to hitch a Taxi, she knows she's probably fucked everything up between her and Chloe. But it's also for the best, isn't it? Now Chloe can find someone who won't run away when it comes to relationships and isn't half as reserved as her when it comes to their feelings. Chloe can find someone worth her time, someone who'll give her everything she needs for a relationship. Not someone who can't even say what she feels.
She holds back her sobs through the taxi ride and painful two-hour flight to LA, but the moment she enters her hotel room (her home for two days), she breaks down, crying for the person she is, and crying for what she's possibly done to Chloe.
In the morning she wakes up and resolves to never dwell on what she did last night. There's a few missed calls from the redhead, but she can't face her now. She sends a last message to Chloe, simply reading I'm sorry, and then deletes the redhead's number from her phone. She hates how it's escalated so much, how she has managed to make such a big deal out of it – which was the last thing she wanted. Sometimes, maybe steps like these were necessary.
She isn't surprised when Aubrey calls her a few hours later, asking her what the fuck she's done. Her only reply is an earnest apology and the assurance that "it was for the best." Aubrey doesn't buy it.
Beca's not surprised, because honestly, she doesn't either.
Over the months she can feel herself drawing back into Freshman Year Beca. Cold, reserved and doesn't care for others. She doesn't mind it, really. It's the safest route she can take, the best way she can avoid hurting herself and others. She doesn't go on any dates – not like anyone asks her out, anyway – and her only "friends" seem to be her assistant and her co-workers, at a stretch. She doesn't dwell on her loneliness, because her mind's telling her that's how it should be.
It seems as if Chloe hasn't told anyone except Aubrey – who's only told Stacie, because the Bellas group chat flourishes with jokes and greetings like it always has, and she hasn't gotten a single person asking her about Chloe. Stacie briefly grilled her for a while, but she left the matter with a simple "if only you knew what you were doing". She doesn't think much of it. She wonders every day, if Chloe's finally found someone worth her, and she debates calling Aubrey to ask. But she never gets around to it.
It's one of those nights where Beca has had a terrible day at work – terrible than usual, that is – and everything she's ever done wrong comes back hitting her like a ton of bricks. She lies in her bed, looking up at the stained ceiling of her cheap studio apartment. Despite the decent paycheck she gets from her job at Residual Heat, she's never gotten around to using it for anything, except maybe paying the rent. She would've brought new equipment for herself, but she isn't really mixing nowadays. She rolls over, grabs her phone and sits up, scrolling through photos of her and Chloe. She wonders why she didn't delete them.
She's almost reached the last few photos – ICCAs 2012 – when she throws her phone across her room, and it lands mutely on the carpet. She can't continue living like this. She finally admits to herself that maybe she is miserable and running away without even a proper reason was a bad idea. The moment she walked out of the Barden house she may have thought she's doing both her and Chloe a favor, but it seems as if it's now that she realizes just what exactly she's done.
She hastily gets off her bed, searching for her phone. Quickly picking it up, she dials the number, hoping that the person on the other end answers back, despite the fact that it's nearly 1 in the morning.
"Aubrey? Sorry for waking you. It's me, Beca."
She doesn't know what the hell she's doing at this point, honestly. She knows she has no right to do what she's about to, and she won't even be surprised if it doesn't go her way. But she has to try. She has to make up for what she did.
Taking a deep breath, she knocks on the wooden door in front of her. It's nearly 10 in the night, and she won't be surprised if the person on the other side is asleep.
The door opens a few minutes later, and Beca can see that she wasn't asleep – her eyes are clear and focussed.
Chloe barely has the time to force out Beca's name before the brunette's lips are on hers, hard and heated. Her hands lose themselves in red curls, still as fiery as ever, if not longer, and she can taste the faintest hint of wine on the redhead's lips. Beca knows the redhead isn't kissing her back – didn't expect her to – and she stops, whispering, "I'm so sorry, Chloe."
The older woman eyes are steely, and she looks unaffected by what Beca just did as she distances herself and asks, "Explain."
"I fucked up real bad, Chloe. I thought that I could–" She pauses as a harsh sob racks her body. She inhales deeply.
"I thought I could save both of us from hurting if I avoided a relationship with you." She gets out between sobs. "I…thought I was incapable of having a successful relationship. Nothing in the past has ever gone right and I didn't want to lose you too."
"Beca, why would you think that?" Chloe's voice is considerably softer now, even if she still looks pissed.
"Chlo, you don't get it. I hold myself back from feeling too much, because I know it'll only be bad. And then you come along like a fucking fairy and it's like, everything I built up to keep myself didn't even exist. And I didn't want to sacrifice that for you. I was fucking selfish, and I know I'm being selfish now too." Her sobs have reduced by now, and Chloe realizes that Beca was crying out of anger, not out of sadness. Anger at herself.
The redhead mulls over that for a while, before she asks, "Why are you here now?"
"I lost it. I realized just how pathetic I've been these past few months without you, and I need you, Chloe. And I don't care if that means going against everything I've ever run from and accepting that it's alright to feel things for you."
"Fuck, I'm sorry if that came out wrong." She adds after a moment.
Chloe steps closer to her, ocean blue meeting midnight, and she knows exactly what the younger girl is saying. She's never been good with words, but she knows that she's being honest and it's taking a lot for her to say what she's saying. She can see everything in her eyes – fear, anger, sadness and honesty.
"You know what made me mad, Becs?"
The woman in question simply raised her brows.
"The fact that you didn't even tell me why. You just left, not even saying anything. I knew you'd react that way, but I didn't know you'd leave without reason."
Beca looked down at her feet, her hands lacing together.
"So you knew I'd leave? Dammit, Chloe, this is what I was talking about. I don't want to be so…uncertain when it comes to these things. I mean, look at me – I ran from you and what I felt without giving you a reason and here I am months later."
"Beca, while I can't deny the fact that what you did really hurt me, you need to stop being so hard on yourself. It was a dick move, but I was wrong too, to spring that up at such a time. You need to realize that it's okay for you to feel things and want them. It's alright to show yourself to me."
"I still think you deserve someone better."
"There's no one better for me, Beca. I don't want anyone else."
"Do you still love me?"
"Yes."
Beca takes a deep breath, and slowly breathes out, "I love you. I always have, ever since Freshman year. And I always will and I know that I'm an asshole when it comes to these things but I want try with you. For you. "
Chloe's eyes widen at that, clearly not expecting her to say that. "Oh my god, Becs, Freshman year?"
"That's really long – that's like, 5 years. You held back all that time?"
"I couldn't ruin us, Chlo." She replies. "I mean, I kind of ended up doing that anyway, but I didn't want to risk anything." She adds.
It's not long before the redhead closes the space between them, kissing Beca as if there's no tomorrow, hands securely looping around her waist. The brunette, surprised by the action, staggers backwards before she returns the kiss. It's fiery yet calm at the same time, and Beca can feel the kiss becoming heated by the second.
She breaks away reluctantly, catching her breath, and whispers, "So you'll have me back?"
"Yes." The redhead breathes out, her lips once more ghosting over Beca's, "And you need to stop talking now." Beca can feel herself being pushed against the door, Chloe's mouth now on her neck, and she wonders why she held back for so long.
Beca wakes up during the night, firmly pressed against the redhead's body, and she slowly shifts herself to look at the woman beside her.
Her hair is messily splayed across the pillow, sheets covering her to her chest, and her neck is lined with Beca's...artwork. She's in a deep sleep, Beca can tell, and her fingertips lightly graze the older woman's face.
She knows she's supposed to feel the need to run right now – that she's supposed to put on her clothes and leave without another word – but she wants to stay. She's saying a big "fuck you" to the flight instinct in her. Burying her face into the older woman's shoulder, she feels content, elated, light – everything she hasn't felt since she walked out on her that day.
She knows that there will be times when she'll fight with her and the two won't even talk. She knows sometimes she will be unreasonable and ask too much of Chloe. Heck, she still has to work out just how the fuck they're going to keep this up if they're still states apart. But as she slowly drifts off to sleep with the woman she loves, she knows they can make it.
When she wakes in the morning, the first thing she notices is that the redhead is still asleep, and she debates going back to sleep, when the older woman stirs.
"You stayed." She breathes out.
Beca doesn't feel offended at the statement – she knew Chloe would still be a little wary of her. She did run away the first time. But she's not going to do that anymore. She's done running.
She traces Chloe's cheek with her fingertips, and simply replies, "I plan to."
A/N: this was my first bechloe fic and i hope it's not too OOC. i was originally planning to have an angst filled ending, but after rewatching pp3 i decided that these two dorks have suffered enough. they just need to bone. please review if you can! and let me know of any grammatical errors because english isn't really my first language.
title taken from lights' same sea.