A/N: So, since the only times I have time to think recently are in the car which is when I'm usually listening to the radio... well, that's how we got here. There won't be a lot of updates coming from me til (probably) mid- September but I'll try to make some time for writing when I can. Until then, enjoy this. I just still have a lot of thoughts about season 2. x
You could break my heart in two
But when it heals, it beats for you
[Back to You – Selena Gomez]
He couldn't get the image out of his head.
The sequence kept playing on and on, repeating itself with only enough of a break to give his mind time to wander to darker places and lingering what-if's.
What if the driver hadn't stalled for a millisecond?
What if the bomb hadn't malfunctioned, giving her another second?
What if the door hadn't budged?
What if she hadn't made it out of the building in time?
What if she hadn't dodged the bullets flying her way?
What if…?
Kurt was reeling, his mind spinning as if he'd run in circles for too long and, really, wasn't that kind of what he had done? He hated the questions. He hated the what-if's. But most of all he hated that he hadn't told her any of it.
Jane had gotten out of the rigged building just barely before their suspects had blown it up, only to be met by three people aiming their automatic weapons directly at her chest and when the dust had stirred up, blocking his sight of her he had stopped breathing until it finally settled, showing him that she was still standing. Hunched over and breathing heavily but alive.
It had taken them another five minutes to get to her location. Five minutes in which he had cursed the decision to ever let her go in there alone. They never sent anyone anywhere without backup. Why had he agreed to this suicide mission? Why hadn't she protested?
He had sent her to get checked out while they cleared the area, arresting the few survivors and putting the rest of them in body bags. It had been a gruesome sight and still his heart felt lighter when he heard her quietly telling the medical personnel that she felt fine.
Two slightly broken ribs, extensive bruising to her thorax, marks on her wrists and ankles where they had her tied up and more cuts on her arms, defensive wounds. He had been prepared for that, had seen her obtain most of the injuries through the video feed they were watching to keep an eye on her.
What he hadn't been prepared for was the malnutrition, the dehydration and the not fully healed scars the paramedic found. Nothing could've prepared him for the resignation in her eyes when the guy had mentioned it or the resolute shake of her head when he had recommended taking her to the hospital for an X-ray, making it clear that she didn't see the point in taking care of her body.
Still, he hadn't pressured her into going. He had barely talked to her at all afterwards, he had realized that when she had already left. And now he was lying here, not able to go back to sleep, desperately needing to hear her heartbeat to reassure him she was indeed alive.
He had fallen into a fitful slumber at first but his mind had taken him back to that moment. Only this time the driver hadn't stalled, the bomb hadn't malfunctioned, the door hadn't budged and she had never made it out of the building. He woke just when the pain in his heart had become too much to handle but when he had opened his eyes, his breathing still wouldn't calm down and the heartbeat next to him had been the wrong one.
Still was.
It sounded steady and strong but it wasn't the one he needed to hear and for the millionth time he asked himself, how he had ended up here. How did he keep ending up here? In a foreign apartment with a woman who was as much of a mystery to him as he was to her. (Though that might not be entirely true. She knew everything.) What pulled him back here every night, letting himself get lost in embraces that meant nothing to escape frightened eyes that meant everything?
Slipping out of bed carefully he picked up his clothes from the floor and snuck into the bathroom to get dressed, as he had done every night for a week. He never stayed the night, at least not the entirety of it. Sometime around two in the morning he would wake up and leave just like he did now.
The cool evening breeze did wonders for his overheated head and he took a moment to let his lungs fill fully with the refreshing air, before he started walking.
His mind was still elsewhere and so he only noticed he had taken a wrong turn when he stumbled upon a familiar 7-eleven, the bright sign hurting his eyes and he squinted against the light, trying to figure out where he was.
Oh.
He hadn't taken one but five wrong turns and, without realizing, had ended up in Jane's neighborhood. Just a block away from her safe house to be exact.
Rubbing his eyes he considered his options but before his mind had formed the conscious thought his feet were already dragging him forward, closer to her safe house and he acquiesced, realizing he wouldn't get any sleep if he didn't at least walk past it to see if there was still a light on.
"Kurt?"
He froze, the wary voice pulling him from his stupor.
"What are you doing here?"
Only then did his eyes find her, standing a little off to the side of the street lamp, eyeing him suspiciously and worriedly. Her stance wasn't as closed off as it usually was, though her arms were still crossed in front of her chest, but she seemed to be just as tired as he felt. The dark hoodie hung loosely around her small figure and when his eyes adapted to the darkness, he could see the bags under her eyes and her rumpled hair.
"Are you okay?", was all he managed to get out, not daring to take a step closer, afraid he would scare her away. "I, uh, realized I hadn't asked you that", he tried to explain hurriedly when she simply stared at him.
"Fine", she dismissed and he felt disappointment and anger stir in his stomach. Disappointment at how far they had fallen and anger at himself for not making a move to catch them sooner. Was this all that was left of their friendship? Of their… everything he had never dared to put into words?
"I'm not."
The words left his mouth before he could stop them and then they hung in the air between them. It was enough to prompt her to take a step closer, the street lamp now casting a shadow of her slim figure as she stepped under it.
"What's wrong?", she wanted to know and for a second there was worry in her voice and familiar concern in her big green eyes as she looked him over, searching for any obvious harm.
"I", he started off but didn't know what he wanted to say, so he let the word join his first two, filling the gap between them.
Her eyes softened a little more and they stood like that for a while, neither quiet knowing what to say or how to act.
"Do you want to come in?" The words seemed to surprise her as much as him but nonetheless she met his gaze unwaveringly, pointing in the direction of her front door, just a few feet away from them.
With a nod he broke the stalemate between them and they both started moving towards the entrance, not talking but oddly in synch.
"I don't have much to offer", she told him awkwardly, after letting him in and he watched her rub her hand over her arms unwittingly.
He didn't even see the barren walls of the apartment, his gaze solely fixated on her and he knew he made her uncomfortable but he couldn't help it. Everything in him needed to take her in, needed to know that she was indeed standing before him. Disheveled and tired but alive.
"I couldn't sleep", he told her when the silence became stifling and he didn't know what made him say it. Maybe it was the late hour or the near darkness surrounding them, the street lamps shining through the window their only light source or maybe it was something else. Maybe he had wanted to tell her all along.
The words stopped there, though, and he almost wished she would take pity on him and say something herself but she didn't and he was glad. Had she opened her mouth, he wouldn't have been able to say what he did next.
"I kept thinking… and dreaming of", his voice broke again but this time he was set on continuing and so he swallowed past the lump in his throat and kept talking anyway, "I kept dreaming of today. Of you", he admitted quietly, "Of what could've gone wrong and", a sob shook him. Where had that come from?
"I came so close to losing you", he managed to press out before another sob escaped his lips and his whole body started shaking. Clenching his fists Kurt tried to regain some control but the more he tried to hold it together, the more he fell apart. "And… I can't-" He shook his head, blinking through his tears, trying to make out her face and only panicking more when he couldn't.
He didn't know what he had expected would happen. Hell, he didn't even know what he had just done, let alone how she would react. What he had not expected, however, was for Jane to move closer until her hand cupped his cheek tentatively.
He had not expected that she would wipe his tears away only to pull him into a hug, holding him close as he cried into her hair or that she would rub soothing circles on his back.
But Jane had always been a better person than he was and here she was, comforting him of all people. Him, who had sent her away to be tortured. Him, who had sent her on that mission that must have made her relive the last three months. Him, who had abandoned her without hearing her side of the story.
She didn't tell him any of that. Just held him close.
He never wanted her to let go.
After a while his breathing calmed down and he realized that she was trying to maneuver them to the couch. He let her lead him and they both dropped down.
Kurt half expected her to let go now that he had stopped being a sobbing mess but Jane never missed a beat, leaning back and pulling him with her until his head was pillowed on her chest, her even breaths tickling his ear.
And there was it.
The heartbeat he had needed to hear, so reassuringly strong in her warm chest. He tightened his grip around her involuntarily, burying his head into her even more and breathing her in until he fell asleep to that heartbeat and the hand gently caressing the back of his neck.
They would have to talk about this at some point, Jane knew that when she looked down at the sleeping man curled up in her arms, but for now the steady movement of his chest was enough to lull her back to sleep as well, keeping the nightmares at bay for once.