Hetalia's Twelve Days of Christmas
Piano music filled the theater as the audience took their seats. Backstage several nations were gathered, each cursing a certain titular character of their series.
"Alright, vill all of you just SHUT UP? !" Germany shouted above the clamor. "I'm just as upset with Italy as the rest of you for making us put on this ridiculous show—"
Someone called out from the back, "Easy for you to say, bastard! He made you the fucking stage manager! You don't even have to perform!"
"Ja, because I really vanted to be in charge of this train wreck," The blonde's voice was bluntly sarcastic. He made a small noise of frustration as he checked his watch, "Alright, so ve're on in three... Who goes on first?"
Confusion buzzed through the group as each entity mumbled a quick, "Not me."
Germany looked ready to put someone's head through a wall, "One of you better find whoever the damn tree is or so help me—"
"...I'm the one suppose to go on first..."
"Who said that? !" The exasperated stage manager searched the small crowd, trying to find the source of the voice.
"...I'm right here...!"
Another blonde came into the German's view; he seemed to be hanging around the back of the group, out of sight.
"Erm..." Germany regarded the man with suspicion, "Who are you?"
The bespecked blonde gave a weary sigh in response, "...I'm Canada..."
Germany looked over his clipboard and surely enough, Canada was on the list, even though it seemed as if his name was faded and making it very hard to read. The piano music out front began to bridge into a new song, "Verdammt, that's Austria's signal," His voice rose again to a shout, "PLACES EVERYONE!" The countries reported to their respective places in the wings as Germany went to open the curtain.
Onstage Austria was playing a piano (obviously) and finally bridged into the song this story was named after. The grand curtain rose, revealing the often ignored blonde.
"...On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me—"
Prussia suddenly leapt up onto the stage, shoving the Canadian out of the way, "The awesomely Awesome Me!"
Backstage Germany facepalmed, "You Dummkopf! You aren't supposed a part of this!"
"Kesesese~" The albino awesomely cheered, "I told you I'd awesomely find a way to get in the show!" He looked around and then saw Canada dejectedly leaving the theater, "Sorry Birdie!" He called out, "Are we still on for pancakes?"
The theater door slammed loudly.
"I'll take that as a yes!"
Germany quickly out on a small headset, "Unfortunately the appearance of mein bruder von't be stopping the show, return to your places!"
There was audible grumbling coming from the other wing and after a moment England was unceremoniously thrown on stage—seriously, someone had picked him up and literally threw him onstage.
The Englishman landed with a loud thump, "You git!" He pushed himself into a standing position, furious. "You could have bloody killed me!" He continued cursing unaware that he was being watched by the readers, and it wasn't until someone threw a crumpled up pamphlet at him did he compose himself (though the Austrian in front of him was even more furious at the waste of a perfectly good piece of paper).
England quickly straightened himself out, trying to make himself look like a proper gentleman, "On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two cups of tea."
"And the awesomely Awesome Me!" Prussia bellowed with a shit-eating grin, "By the way, it was France's awesome idea to have America launch you over here."
"WHAT THE—YOU BLOODY FROG! !" The blonde began to stomp over to the wings, ready to give France a piece of his mind.
But he was stopped as the one he sought flounced—yes, flounced—onstage. Complete with a rose in his hand France sang proudly, "On ze third day of Christmas I gave to mon Angleterre, Très bien moi!"
Said Briton scowled fiercely, "That's not even the right line, let alone proper French grammar, you stupid frog! W-Wait a minute..." His face lit up in red, finally realizing what the older blonde had said, "NO! NO, NO, NO! ! I REFUSE TO HAVE YOU AS A BLOODY GIFT!"
"Ohonhon..." France waved his rose while making a tufting noise, "If you don't behave Papa Noel won't bring you your present~!"
"DO. NOT. WANT!"
France pouted, "Angleterre, you are getting me for Christmas whether you like it or not! Now sing your silly line!"
"Bloody hell I won't!" England moved to jump of the stage, but the Frenchman quickly grabbed his wrist, "What are you—?" His eyes widened in horror as he hear a metallic click, "Y-You ARSE!" He yanked at the chain, "Release me this instant! !"
"Hmm... Non," The older nation smirked as he held up his own wrist, the handcuff gleaming under the stage lights, "But if you are nice to me during the show, maybe I'll change my mind."
"I hate you," Green eyes blazed, reaffirming that opinion. "I hate you so much..."
"What was zat?" France brought a hand to his ear, "I don't zink zat was the line you were supposed to sing... Maybe I'll just throw zese keys away..."
The Briton's face darkened, "You wouldn't..."
France smiled wickedly, "Sing for me, Angleterre, on the third day you received Très Bien Moi."
England sighed in defeat, "...Two cups of tea."
"And the awesomely Awesome Me!"
Another nation was shoved onstage, this time a fiery South Italian. His face immediately screwed up in distaste, "Oh fuck no, there's no way I'm standing next to the wine bastard!"
Blue eyes glittered happily in response to the insult, "Why 'ello zere Romano! Don't you want to come and sing with your Big Brother France?" He took a few steps towards the younger nation, dragging England with him.
Romano took a step back in response, unnerved, "U-Uh... No!" The Frenchman continued his advance, "You stay away bastard! Chigi! !" Suddenly a large battle axe whizzed through the air over Romano's head and impaled itself in the floor space between the brunette and blonde.
Everything went silent.
France paled significantly, "O-Oh..." He gulped, "I 'ad forgotten Spain is 'ere..."
"Damn straight he is," The younger nation instantly had his attitude back. He looked downstage, "Oi! Start playing again, the sooner I get to sing the sooner I can get out of this shithole!" The piano music resumed, "On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, four tomatoes."
France sulked, "Très bien moi..."
"Two cups of tea."
"And the awesomely Awesome Me!"
England tried making his way over to the axe, but was carefully restrained by his French captor, "Romano, could you please help me get away from him?"
"Hell no, scone bastard!" The South Italian scoffed, "As long as I'm this side of the axe, my ass is safe, and I plan on keeping... It... That... Way...?" He trailed off as the atmosphere of the theater drastically changed.
A thick sense of dread began to pervade the room; the current nations onstage looked over in horror as Russia made his way over to them. His words were plainspoken, "On the fifth day of Christmas, do you know what Russia said?" He paused for a moment before belting out in a loud voice, "ALL BECOME ONE!"
Once again, silence.
"Why has the music stopped?" The large nation asked innocently. He turned to face Romano, who let out a manly squeak of fear, "We should continue the song, da?" The brunette had a look of utmost terror on his face, "You should sing your line now!"
The South Italian was in emotional shambles, "F-f-f-four... T-t-toma-atoes..." Austria resumed playing.
"...Très bien moi!" France discreetly began to move as far away from Russia as possible.
"Two cups of tea," England was more concerned with getting free.
Prussia was more concerned with his awesomeness, "And the awesomely Awesome Me!"
The personification of North Italy skipped on stage, "On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me—" He suddenly stopped himself, "Ve, do I have a true love?" His face became panicked, "Oh no, I don't!" Tears begin to fill his eyes and he let out a sob, "This is horrible! Ve, how can I sing about true loves if I don't have one? !"
"ITALY! !" Germany shouted from backstage, "GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF AND SAY YOUR LINE!"
Instantly Romano shot back, "Fuck off potato bastard!"
"I don't want to die unloved and alone!" The younger Italian sniveled, "Ve, Germany can you be my true love? Our pairing's practically canon and I don't wanna be all by myself!" His plea ended in a pathetic wail.
The blonde stage manager turned beet red, unable to formulate a proper response, "I... Um... Vell... Perhaps you should, uh... Continue with the show first..."
Instantly Italy ceased his weeping, "Okay! Ve, you'll tell me your answer after the song, right?"
"OH NO HE FUCKING WON'T!" As expected Romano's infamous temper soared to new heights. The only thing preventing him from going to rip Germany's throat out was the fact that he was stuck between Russia and France.
Finally satisfied, Italy sang, "On the sixth day of Christmas Germany gave to me, six plates of pasta!"
Said man unceremoniously began to beat his head against a wall.
"ALL BECOME ONE!"
"A DEAD GERMAN!" Romano shouted wrathfully.
"Très Bien Moi!" France seemed amused by the whole ordeal.
"Two cups of tea."
"And the awesomely Awesome Me!"
China cautiously walked onstage, "Can we all at least try to be normal, aru?" He let out a sigh and then smiled, "On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, seven Shinatty-chans!"
"Six plates of pasta!"
"ALL BECOME ONE!" Russia beamed cheerfully, "Yao-Yao will become one, da?"
"AIYAH, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY NO, ARU? !"
Romano folded his arms and puffed out his cheeks, grumbling, "Four tomatoes."
"Très Bien Moi!"
"Two cups of tea."
"And the awesomely Awesome Me!"
Hungary and Japan walked on together, equipped with cameras and taking pictures of all the men onstage. The two were conversing in hushed tones, sizing up all of the 'Unresolved Sexual Tension' in the theater and speculating which pairing will snap and end up making out on the floor, "My money's on FrUK," Hungary whispered.
"Not if America has anything to say about it." Japan replied sagely as he snapped a few more pictures.
The brunette shrugged, "Whatever makes the readers happy!" She tucked her camera away, "Ready Kiku?"
A small blush adorned her friend's cheeks, "H-Hai..."
Together they sang, "On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eight yaoi doujins!"
And for once there was no odd reaction.
"Seven Shinatty-chans!"
"Six plates of pasta!"
"ALL BECOME ONE!"
"Four tomatoes."
"Très Bien Moi!"
"Two cups of tea."
"And the awesomely Awesome Me!"
Spain strode past the other countries carelessly, grabbing Romano with one hand and his axe with the other. He slung the weapon of his shoulder and walked to the far corner of stage, away from everyone else. As he walked he continued the carol, "On the ninth day of Christmas mi Lovi gave to me, a new guitarra!" He gave a sideways glance at the younger brunette, "...Did you hear that Lovi?" His voice was eager and a grin adorned his face, "You might want to write that down somewhere!"
"Shut up bastard..."
"Eight yaoi doujins!"
"Seven Shinatty-chans!"
"Six plates of pasta!"
"ALL BECOME ONE!"
"Four tomatoes."
"Aww, that's so cute Lovi~!" The Spaniard squealed, "Of course I'll get you some tomatoes!"
Romano blushed the same color as one of the vegetables he desired, "I–I SAID SHUT UP BASTARD!"
"Très Bien Moi!"
"Two cups of tea."
"And FIVE METERS OF AWESOMENESS! ! !"
Germany had stopped hitting his head a few minutes ago. Upon hearing his brother he shouted, "DON'T SAY INAPPROPRIATE THINGS LIKE THAT ARSCHLOCH!" He let out his thousandth frustrated sigh of the night, "Alright Greece, you're up..." No response. "Greece...?" He turned around, "Oh for the love of Gott!" The Greek was leaving against a nearby wall with his cats curled up around him; both man and beast snoozed peacefully.
Italy went backstage to see what was taking so long, "Ve, where's..." He saw the sleeping figures and let out a soft, "Aww...!" His attention then snapped to his friend, "Ve, looks like you'll have to go instead!"
The German paled, "Vhat? ! Nein, I-I'm the stage manager, I-I can't—"
"Sure you can!" Italy grasped his friend hand and began to tug his friend towards the stage.
"But Feli—"
Again he was cut off, "Ve, it'll be fun, I promise!" Again Germany resisted and the North Italian pouted, pleading in the sweetest voice he could muster, "Please? For me?"
The blonde's face was tinged with pink as he allowed himself to be pulled onstage.
"OI! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY FRATELLO! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU POTATO BASTARD!" Spain was forced to restrain a certain South Italian spewing a litany of potato related insults.
Italy giggled, "Don't mind him, ve, just do your part!"
Germany sighed yet again, "On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me..." He struggled for a moment, trying to think of something, "Erm... Ten laps of training?"
"Ve? ! That's a terrible gift! What kind of true love would give you training for Christmas? !"
"A new guitarra?" Spain seemed like he was trying to get Romano's attention after he calmed him down, "Y'know that might be a hint for what I want for Christmas..."
"They are so adorable together!" Hungary squealed to her companion, "When do you think they'll reach second base?"
"Hmm... I'd give it about a month or two..." Japan's camera clicked away at the air from afar, "Eight yaoi doujins!"
"Seven Shinatty-chans!"
"Six plates of pasta!" Italy tapped his chin thoughtfully, "Ve, Germany, I'm going to think of a much better gift to give you, okay?"
"NO, YOU'RE NOT VENEZIANO!"
The younger bother chuckled, "Oh Fratello, you're so silly!"
"ALL BECOME ONE!"
"A DEAD GERMAN!" The furious brunette shouted again. He glanced at Spain, "...And tomatoes..."
Germany face-palmed once more, "Vhat did I do to deserve this, honestly...?"
"Très Bien Moi!"
"Two cups of tea."
"And the awesomely Awesome Me!"
A boisterous laugh echoed throughout the room, "HAVE NO FEAR, THE HERO IS HERE!" America ran down the aisles of the theater and leapt up onstage, "On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eleven super heroes!"
"Ten la—"
Italy burst in, "Ten Germans baking!"
"VHAT? !" Germany became very flustered, "Vhy did you—?"
"Because it sounds so much nicer!" Upon seeing his friend's distressed face, "Oh come on, you bake really well—"
Germany promptly put Italy in a headlock, "Shut. Up," He growled.
"V-Ve!"
"YOU LET HIM GO RIGHT NOW POTATO! ! !"
Spain was forced to restrain Romano once again, "You shouldn't be worrying about that, chico, you should be thinking about Christmas shopping and what you're buying for boss like, a new guitarra!"
"Eight yaoi doujins!"
"Seven Shinatty-chans!"
Germany released the troublesome Italian, who whimpered, "Ve... Six plates of pasta!"
"ALL BECOME ONE!"
"YOU'RE SO FUCKING DEAD! !"
"Très Bien Moi!"
"America!" England called out desperately, "Get your arse over here and help me,"
"Huh...?" Said blonde turned around to face the Briton, confused. "Oh, hey there Iggy! What's up?"
"'What's up?'" England's impressive brow furrowed, "Nothing, absolutely nothing other than the fact that I'M HANDCUFFED TO THE DAMN FROG! !"
"Really?" America struck a pose, "Then the hero will help you!" He quickly rushed over and snapped the chain between the two cuffs with his super strength, freeing the Briton.
Meanwhile Prussia sneezed, "...I don't feel like singing anymore..." With that he hopped off stage and promptly exited the theater.
As he opened the door Sealand came running in, "On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, twelve countries acknowledging me!"
England's temper flared once more, "Peter, what the bloody hell you doing here? ! Go back home, your line doesn't even fit!"
The small oil rig furrowed his not-quite-as-impressive brow, "It does too Jerkland! If my true love truly loved me, she'd get twelve countries to acknowledge me!"
England was suddenly yanked to the right. France's expression was downright dangerous, "Non! Angleterre is mine!"
Then he was yanked to the left, "Not if I have anything to say about it!" America shouted back.
Japan gave a small smile, "Knew it," He murmured while his fellow yaoi fan squealed again.
Germany resumed beating his head against a wall.
Spain had grabbed Romano by the shoulder and was shaking him, "A. New. Guitarra! Don't you get it? !" He enunciated every word very clearly, "I need one because someone broke boss's old one when he threw a tantrum last week!"
Hungary and Japan were carefully documenting every moment of the fight between France and America while trying to figure out how to turn the situation into a doujin.
"Yao-Yao will become one with Russia now, da?" Russia began approaching the smaller man with a creepy look on his face.
"AIYAH! NO I WILL NOT! !" China ran out of the theater.
"Aww..." The large nation sighed sadly, "Why does no one want to become one?"
"I'll become one with you brother!" Belarus came out from behind the curtain, grabbing Russia from behind, "And then we can get married!"
"NYET!" He squirmed free and began to run as well, "GO AWAY! !"
"I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU DEAR BROTHER! !" His sister was hot on his heels as he fled, "MARRY ME MARRY ME MARRY ME MARRYMEMARRYMEMARRYME! ! !"
"NYET BELARUS! !"
Romano pushed Spain off of him, "Fine I'll get you your damn guitar, bastard!" The Spaniard whooped victoriously as they walked offstage. The younger brunette puffed out his cheeks, "If you wanted one so fucking badly you should have just asked... Dumbass..."
"ENOUGH!" England finally yanked himself from the grips of the quarreling Frenchman and American. "I am not some plaything for you two to fight over, dammit!"
"Angleterre, are you crying?"
"SH-SHUT UP FROG! !" The Briton swiped his sleeve over his eyes, "Peter, we're going home!"
The small blonde began to whine, "But I just got here! You're no fun!"
"Oh shut it, you little wanker..." He grabbed his brother and stomped towards the exit. France and America gave chase.
"H-Hey! Iggy!"
"Wait for me, mon cher!"
Austria finally stopped playing the piano with a sigh, grumbling about the waste of his musical talent and the wasted pamphlet that was thrown earlier. He turned towards the few remaining onstage, "Elizabeta, I am returning to my home, would you care to join me?"
"Of course!" Hungary turned to Japan, "Can I borrow the camera?"
"Yes, but may I ask why you need it?"
"Prussia normally visits Austria's house around this time, and you know what that means~!" She winked at her friend.
The older nation blushed, "Ah, yes, I see..." He quickly handed her the film equipment and waved the pair away, "It would not be porite to keep him waiting..."
Then it was none but the former Axis powers left onstage. Japan cautiously approached Germany, who was still hitting his head against the wall, "Doitsu-san, I advise that you stop that, you're going to hurt yourself..."
The blonde slumped against the wall, "Is it over?"
"Hai, I berieve so."
"Ve, but we didn't finish the song!" Italy voice was distressed, "How can we finish if everyone left? !"
Germany rubbed the large bump forming on his head, "Why don't you finish it?"
"Ve, Okay!" Italy ran to center stage, "On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, twelve plates of pasta, eleven plates of pasta, ten Germans baking, nine plates of pasta, eight plates of pasta, seven plates of pasta, six plates of pasta, FIVE PASTA PLATES! ! Four pasta plates, three pastas, two pasta plates, AND ENOUGH PASTA FOR EVERYONE! !"
Even Japan couldn't help but facepalm at that.
"Ve, 'asta la pasta!"
FIN
Excuse me, but I've seemed to have lost my plot, have you seen it anywhere?
I've had this song stuck in my head for the past two days, and I just had to do something about it. The solution? Hetalia crack. Hopefully this made some of you laugh and in case you're wondering, here's how akatsukiangel04 and I decided what should be used for each day of Christmas
1-Poor Canada, we were going to use something with a maple tree but it never came out sounding right so we threw in Prussia's really egotistical line.
2-Iggy and tea go hand in hand.
3-Three French hens = France, and we used Très Bien Moi because it's part of one of France's character song titles and it translates to 'Very Good Me' (or something very similar), which set up for the joke with England, plus I really liked how it sounded.
4-What else would Romano ask for?
5-This was our personal favorite, we were originally going to have Italy shouting "PASTA!" but I'm really glad I thought up of this funnier alternative.
6-Italy had to be in there somewhere, and again, what else would he ask for?
7-We were running out of ideas and wanted to include all of the main Allies and Axis, and Shinatty-chans just so happened to fit the syllable count.
8-Hungary and Japan are awesome.
9-I wanted Spain to be in there, and the whole thing with the guitar came out of nowhere, plus tomatoes were already being used.
10-I honestly think Germany would be happy if someone gave him training for Christmas. Or beer. Or Italy.
11-America was originally supposed to have something involving McDonalds, but again we couldn't get it to sound right.
12-Sealand is also awesome.
I had a lot of fun writing this and I hope you had just as much fun reading it, Happy Holidays everyone! Please Review!
Oh and akatsukiangel04 has permission to post this on her DeviantART account because she helped me with the original concepts and who sang what.