Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 7
EPISODE 12
Airdate: December 9, 2018
"RK's Play"
Special Guest Stars: Dorien Wilson as Mr. Frax
#TYH710
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
One night, the guys are all in the living room waiting around as Sparky walks downstairs.
SPARKY: Alright, let's go, guys.
RK: Why do we have to do this? I've been a good boy all week. I've been doing my homework, keeping myself from screaming or cursing people out, and despite all that, I still have to go to this stupid play.
JAYLYNN: RK, none of us want to go. But Anja's the set designer and she already bought us all tickets so we owe her one.
RK: You mean, you owe her one. Don't lump me in with that. Just because she gave you what was left over of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich that one time, doesn't mean I should suffer.
JAYLYNN: Dude, what the f*** are you talking about?
RK: What do you think I'm talking about?
SCENE 2
David Zuckerman Elementary School
Interior Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
Minutes before the play is set to start, the kids find their seats.
BUSTER: Hey, what's this play even about?
WADE: You didn't pick up your program at the entrance?
BUSTER: No. I thought that kid was just advertising that brand new church three blocks away.
SPARKY: Let me see here.
Sparky begins reading the program.
SPARKY: "The student production 'The Life and Times of Crigiana Chump' depicts our hero deciding to run for president years after her father was impeached and forcibly stuffed inside a cryogenic freezer. The play combines politics, science fiction, and dancing to create a wild experience everybody can enjoy."
Beat.
RK: Is there a sedative I can take to forget everything that's going to happen tonight?
JAYLYNN: Hey, how bad can it be? They worked with a local theater company for this.
WADE: Well, whatever the school paid, I hope they can get their deposit back.
RK: Seriously, I don't care what I take. Some morphine, helium, nitrous oxide. I'll even swallow a whole bottle of Flintstones vitamins just so I can be on the toilet all night.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.): We are set to begin our play in about thirty seconds.
BUSTER: Wait, I don't get it. Why is her name Crigiana Chump?
JAYLYNN: Oh, well, for legal reasons, they can't use her real name because it would be considered libel.
RK: Do they really think the president's daughter is going to care about a stupid play at a rinky dink elementary school?
JAYLYNN: You would be surprised what people care about. Remember when Anja and I had to cha...
Jaylynn gets a paper airplane thrown at her head.
JAYLYNN: Wait, what the hell?
Jaylynn takes the paper airplane and opens it up to reveal a note.
JAYLYNN: "Stop talking about it. You're on network television, stupid." Okay, but who threw that?
The lights get turned down and the curtain rises to reveal "Crigiana Chump" at a political rally. She is standing on top of a podium with the slogan "Don't Chump Your Vote" and the background is a crudely designed portrait of her.
CRIGIANA: I am telling everybody here today to vote for me, because without me as your leader, this country will go down the drain in a minute.
RK: It already has.
RK snickers and bumps his elbow on a confused Wade's shoulder.
RK: Am I right?
On stage, an unknown campaign advisor whispers something in Crigiana's ear and then leaves.
CRIGIANA: I have just been informed that you guys seem to be a dancing community. So, with the help of my military buddies, why don't I show you why this country needs to get Chumped? HIT IT!
("Tainted Love" by Soft Cell begins playing in the background)
Crigiana begins a bizarre dance performance to "Tainted Love" and removes her power suit to reveal a military uniform. At that point, other kids dressed in military gear join Crigiana for the dance routine, with a "Support the Troops" poster lowered in the background. Cut to a shot of the five kids in the audience, looking shocked and bewildered.
SCENE 3
Later that night, the kids, including Anja, are in Sparky's car. They all have bored expressions, except for Anja, who simply has a blank stare. Nothing is said for several seconds.
ANJA: Um, just so you know, I, uh...I had nothing to do with the script.
JAYLYNN: We know.
ANJA: Yeah, because I tried to stop them. I tried saying, "Look, I don't think this really makes sense," but it was like nobody wanted to...
KIDS: We know.
ANJA: Okay.
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all talking near the lockers when RK walks up to them.
RK: Good morning, ladies and gents.
SPARKY: Wow, RK, you haven't smiled like that since Anna kissed you for getting her that birthday gift. What's going on?
RK: Feast your eyes, kids. For the first time in a long time, RK Jennings has finished an English paper. And not just any old average paper. This paper is going to change hearts and minds.
RK hands the essay to Sparky, who looks through the pages.
SPARKY: Damn, this is amazing. A full heading, a thesis to start the introduction, body paragraphs, analyzing source quotes.
WADE: Wait a minute. Are those citations?
RK: Yup. With MLA format.
WADE: I have nothing left to teach you.
BUSTER: Man, you must have really liked writing this paper.
RK: It was alright. But there's nothing like the pride of hard work. So when you go to English class today, make sure you have the best seat in the house because I'm killing this oral report. And trust me, it will be way better than that shitty play Jaylynn took us to.
JAYLYNN: I already apologized to you guys for making you see it. And then I apologized to Anja for not telling her to save her money.
SCENE 5
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Principal's Office
Seattle, Washington
Wade is in Principal MacGregor's office.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: What can I do you for, Wade?
WADE: Principal MacGregor, did you hear about the abysmal play that David Zuckerman put on the other night?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Hear about it? That's all anybody's been talking about, it was horrible!
Principal MacGregor starts laughing.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I mean, if they're trying to kill theatre, they're doing a great job so far.
WADE: That's what I wanted to talk about. The annual school play is coming up and I don't want it to end up like that.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Relax, it will never end up that bad. Our school plays are always annual highlights.
WADE: Sir, what was the last memorable school play we put on here?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Well, there was that one with the, um...no, there was the...no. Wait, I remember. One year, we put on a school play that people were raving about for weeks. It was about a boy that met this robot, and he protected the robot from the government, and they became friends. People were saying it was like Brad Bird directed it.
WADE: Isn't that the plot for The Iron Giant?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Probably, but I still think our school plays are a hot ticket.
WADE: Well, I want to be involved this year. It's always been a dream of mine to write the school play and I know if you let me do it, we'll put on a show that excites everybody.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Wade, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I can't just give you the job. It wouldn't be fair to the other students. Every year, I put up a sign-up sheet for kids who want to work on the play, and from there, the people in the play decides on who does what.
WADE: Well, you can sign me up right now. I'm throwing in my hat to make this school play one that nobody will ever forget.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Alright. Now, I'll have to beg one less kid to support their school by taking part.
WADE: You really have to do that?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Yeah, Wade, most kids don't have any interest in theatre. Go figure.
SCENE 6
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
After school, the kids are eating ice cream but RK looks depressed.
SPARKY: Come on, RK, it's really not that big a deal.
RK: Yes, it is. I spent days on that paper. I wrote it with my own two hands. I was supposed to bring the house down today and Ashley stole my thunder.
BUSTER: Don't sweat it, man. It's not like you had a shitty paper. It's just that Ashley's was better.
SPARKY: I think what Buster is trying to say is that Ashley is a proven favorite. Everybody expects her to have great assignments, but you're still a work in progress.
RK: Forget it. I'm washed up. After Ms. McDermott died, I wanted to step up in school a little bit but what's the point if I don't get the recognition?
WADE: RK, I just want to say that you don't have anything to be ashamed of. You had a really good paper, and the fact that you're finally trying to take school seriously means something.
RK: Thanks, man.
WADE: You know what you need? A chance to have fun. Why don't you sign up for the school play?
RK: The school play? You want me to help with the lamest thing we have in school? After the dumpster fire Jaylynn forced us to go to against our will?
JAYLYNN: Dude, you're acting like I wrote the play.
WADE: Don't worry. This year's school play is going to be the best we've ever had. Because I'm writing it.
SPARKY: Really, Wade? They picked you?!
WADE: Well, they haven't announced anything yet, but after the first meeting with the cast and crew, I'll have it in the bag. It's like a job application that you don't even have to fill out because you know you'll get it.
BUSTER: I hope you do get it. We need a school play we can be proud of. You know, unlike the one Jaylynn made us watch.
JAYLYNN: Bro, I'm getting mad now.
BUSTER: But RK was doing it!
RK: Wade, I'm sure if you write the school play, it will be great, but it won't have anything to do with me. I'm not that creative.
WADE: You? Not that creative? Are we just going to forget all those RK Jennings signature moments?
RK: Please, not even the name is original. If it was trademarked, Damon Wayans and them would have sued me by now.
JAYLYNN: Come on, man, just do the play. What's the worst that could happen?
RK: I could end up being the stage manager. I train weeks for the role. I study it, I rehearse it, I become it. Then two days before the show, I get a nasty cold and can't be the stage manager anymore. Here comes Ashley to step up and take my role, and everybody gives her flowers and chocolate for her performance.
JAYLYNN: Well, I mean...
RK: Hang on, I'm not done. When they ask who Ashley replaced, they won't even remember me. I'll just be referred to as that chubby little white kid in the papers, and then if they do print my name, there will be some big-ass typo. Like "RJ Flemmings" or some shit like that. And that, my friends, is why I don't want anything to do with the school play.
RK takes his backpack and leaves the booth. Beat.
JAYLYNN: Wow. He's more depressing than I used to be.
Sparky, Buster, and Wade all nod in agreement.
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Wade is trailing behind a disinterested RK.
WADE: I'm telling you, RK, us working together on the school play will be great. And if you won't do it for me, at least do it for this bad boy.
Wade pulls out a vanilla cupcake.
RK: I get dessert if I join the play?
WADE: Yeah, it's vanilla. It's your favorite.
RK: Dude, you're supposed to bribe Jaylynn with food, not me. At least throw in some American Dad DVDs or something.
WADE: Look, RK, I understand your fear. It's real and you don't know if you have it in you.
RK: Fear? What fear? I don't have any fear.
WADE: You sure do, pal. A fear of failure. You're going to be involved in the school play and you're worried that you won't be able to do a good job because of how you feel about school. But I'll be there and I'll be helping you out the whole way.
RK: Well, I guess if you're there, there's less of a chance for someone to steal my thunder again. Alright, Wade, you have yourself a deal. But I don't want any big roles. No acting, no writing, no directing, no managing. I'll be but a humble stagehand trying to make said play a spectacle of visual beauty.
WADE: You sure you don't wanna act?
RK: No, I'll be way too self-conscious about my performance.
SCENE 8
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
After school, RK and Wade walk into the auditorium for the first meeting with the cast and crew.
RK: Wow, there are a lot of kids here. Wait a minute. Are those fifth graders?!
WADE: Yeah. The fifth graders always get the best jobs. Nobody outside of them has ever written or directed the school play before.
RK: Is that why all you did was sell tickets for last year's play?
WADE: I gave my heart to being in charge of admission!
RK: Hey, I'm not judging. But there are a lot of movers and shakers here. What if I'm not good enough, Wade? What if I can't cut the mustard? What if...
RK sees Ashley talking to Sanna near the stage.
RK: Wait, Ashley's here too?! Oh, f*** this shit, I'm outta here.
WADE: No, RK, remember what we talked about. This is your time. Forget about everybody else. I'm here for you.
RK: Alright. Alright, I can do this. I'm a stagehand.
RK and Wade walk towards the stage and meet the other kids.
TODD: Hey, how are you guys doing? My name's Todd.
WADE: Todd, I already know who you are.
TODD: You do? Were you part of last year's play?
WADE: I was the ticket taker.
TODD: Oh. No wonder you didn't take a bow with everyone.
WADE: Yeah, thank you for reminding me of that. This is my best friend RK Jennings. He's interested in being a stagehand.
TODD: That's great. We usually don't get many volunteers, but MacGregor really wants this year's show to be great. Take a seat.
RK and Wade take their seats with the other kids.
TODD: Okay, so what we need are some ideas. What play do you guys think we should do this year?
Everybody, with the exception of RK and Wade, raises their hands simultaneously.
TODD: I'm going to tell you guys the same thing I've been telling you for the last three years. We're not doing Hamilton.
Everybody puts their hands down.
TODD: Hey Wade, RK, how come you guys didn't have the same idea?
RK: I'm just a stagehand. I don't have any stake in this.
WADE: Well, I was thinking that we could do something fresh. I mean, with all the times we've done Shakespeare and Death of a Salesman, why not go into August Wilson's catalogue? He has a lot of great plays.
ASHLEY: He's right. Fences is a great play.
RK: I always thought it was called Birth of a Salesman.
WADE: You know, I used to think that too for some reason.
TODD: Hey RK, you have any ideas?
RK: Well, that August Wilson thing sounds good to me.
TODD: Yeah, but your own ideas?
RK: I don't have any ideas! I'm just a humble stagehand!
TODD: So you really have nothing?
SANNA: It's alright, RK, you can just say anything off the top of your head.
RK: A robot leading a junkyard invasion.
Beat.
SANNA: I guess he heard me.
TODD: Okay, that sounds interesting. Is there anything else to it?
RK: No, I don't think so. Well, maybe the robot could be built by this crazy inventor and they try throwing it away. But the robot gets pissed and leads an invasion of other robots in the junkyard, and they go after every human they can find.
ASHLEY: But robots don't have emotions.
RK: Ashley, I'm telling you...
TODD: No, no, there's nothing wrong with that idea. It's crazy, but it sounds fresh. A bunch of robots leading a war against humans. You think if you turn that into an outline, we could try using it?
RK: I don't know. I always thought about turning it into a TV movie when I was in college and unemployed.
TODD: That's okay. It's just an idea. In fact, if anybody else has any ideas they want to flesh out, write up an outline and we'll vote on the best idea. Whoever we pick is going to end up being the playwright.
SCENE 9
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is writing his outline when Buster walks into the house.
BUSTER: You know, we have all this beautiful weather and all people think about Seattle is rain. We're more than that, right?
RK: I don't know, just cook whatever's in the fridge. Don't touch KG's chips in the pantry, though. He might cut you.
BUSTER: I don't know how to cook.
RK looks up and sees Buster.
RK: Hey Buster. What's the haps?
BUSTER: I don't like this game we're playing!
RK: Sorry, I'm just a little distracted. I need to write this outline for the school play.
BUSTER: You're going to write the play?
RK: No, but we're going to have an outline contest to figure out who will. I'm not going to win anyway. I'm just doing this for Wade.
Buster takes a look at RK's outline.
BUSTER: "Junkyard Dreams by Ryan Kennedy Jennings." Oh no, you're giving them your TV movie idea?!
RK: It was the only one I could think of. That's why I'm going to make this as crazy as possible. Todd and the other kids will look at it, hate it, and go with Wade's outline.
BUSTER: That makes sense. I mean, in the scene where the robots fight the humans, why would the crazy inventor end up being able to fly?
RK: Because of his solar-powered jet pack, duh. Do you read outlines or do you just skim through them?
SCENE 10
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
During the next meeting, Todd takes a look at RK's outline.
TODD: Wow. This is, uh...wow.
RK: Well, you wanted my outline and you got it. Take it or leave it.
TODD: Dude, this is amazing! We're using this!
RK AND WADE: WHAT?!
TODD: Guys, I'm going to pass it around. You have to read what RK wrote, this is incredible.
Todd passes the outline to Ashley, who reads it as Sanna hovers over her.
ASHLEY: I can't read this with your breath on my neck, you bum.
SANNA: Please, I chew Orbit gum all the time.
ASHLEY: Nice work, RK. Really unique.
RK: Is that just code for "what in God's name did you write?" Because that's okay.
SANNA: No, she means it. This is really cool. Finally, we're going to have a play that people pay attention to.
TODD: That's what I'm saying. It's time to get auditions going. RK, you're going to be the first fourth grader to write the school play.
RK: Wow, that's...that's great.
Cut to Wade's disappointed expression.
SCENE 11
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The guys are all celebrating RK's role for the school play.
SPARKY: RK, we have to say that we're proud of you for getting to write the school play. This is huge.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, the first fourth grader to do it? That's crazy. Let's see Ashley steal your thunder now.
RK: Well, she's going to be the stage manager, but now she's going to be the one with the nasty cold.
BUSTER: Hey Wade, I thought you were supposed to write the play.
WADE: No, I never had the job. Everyone chose RK's outline.
BUSTER: Wow, what a kick in the nuts. It's like the first SpongeBob movie where SpongeBob was supposed to be the manager of the Krusty Krab 2, but Mr. Krabs gave the job to Squidward instead. All that irony.
RK: Look, Wade, just know that I wasn't trying to steal the play from you. They were supposed to hate my outline. I'm a stagehand, not a playwright!
BUSTER: I mean, you probably spent years waiting for this day, Wade. Then they took one look at your outline, said "Nah" and crumpled it up into a three-point shot for the garbage can.
WADE: RK, there's no reason why you should feel guilty. They want you to write the play and there's nothing I can do about it.
BUSTER: I mean, if I really wanted to work at Pizza Hut, you know, and then they passed me over for Sparky even though I had a really good interview, I would feel a certain way about it. I don't know, Wade, you're way stronger than I'd be.
WADE: I get it.
RK: You know, just because they chose me to write the play, doesn't mean you can't be involved. What if you were the director?
WADE: You're the first non-fifth grader in the history of our school to be the playwright. The chances of me being the director are 500 to 1.
RK: It doesn't hurt to try. Come on, if I put in the word, there's no way they'll tell you that you can't do it.
WADE: Yeah, I guess you're right.
BUSTER: And then they try to give me a terrible job instead of the one I wanted, like scrubbing toilets or delivering pizzas. I just wouldn't want to deal with so many people in one sitting.
WADE: Buster, I swear, I'm gonna punch you.
BUSTER: No, Wade, don't worry. It's okay. I don't even have a job at Pizza Hut.
SCENE 12
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
RK is holding auditions for "Junkyard Dreams" with Wade nearby. Manny is on stage.
RK: Alright, Manny, what I'm looking for with the robot is sympathy. We need to feel his pain and his disappointment. Nobody wants him, nobody thinks he's anything special, and he's mad. Mad at the world for treating him like he doesn't matter.
MANNY: But robots don't have emotions.
RK: Look, I don't even have a script yet. When I do, everything will make slightly more sense. Until then, just use the outline for inspiration.
MANNY: Okay. Well, if I can't read for any parts, then what can I do?
RK: I could give you some questions relating to the play. For instance, what would you do if your parents abandoned you, and no one else wanted you as their son?
MANNY: I would destroy everything in my path, and spend years plotting my revenge until I could find my real parents and stomp them out.
RK: Hmmm. Interesting. I don't know if he has the emotional range I need for this part. What do you think, Wade?
*deadpan* WADE: I don't know.
RK: Yeah, Manny, my director over here doesn't know about you. We'll keep you on file, but I can't promise anything.
MANNY: Okay, cool. Just so you know, I always thought you were one of the most creative kids in school.
RK: I don't tolerate brown-nosing. You're an actor, Manny, you don't need this!
SCENE 13
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
Backstage, RK is looking at Ashley's concept art for the set designs of the play.
RK: I like it. You don't think it will be too complicated?
ASHLEY: I doubt it. It's supposed to be a dystopian society. We don't need that many supplies to make it happen.
RK: Excellent. You know, Ashley, I don't think we're going to have problems working together. It's not your fault you stole my thunder.
ASHLEY: What?
Todd pulls RK aside at that point.
RK: Hey, it's Big Todd. Thanks for making me the playwright. It's way more fun than I thought it would be.
TODD: No problem. Listen, I wanted to talk to you about Wade.
RK: Really, why?
TODD: We've been getting complaints about his performance. He doesn't give suggestions, he's short with everyone, and he's bringing the energy down.
RK: No, no, this can't be happening. Are you telling me I have to fire him?
TODD: I'm afraid so. Don't feel bad, man. You're the playwright, you shouldn't be picking up his slack.
RK: Yeah, you have a point. But this won't be easy. Telling Wade bad news never is.
Cut to a flashback of RK and Wade at Ike's.
RK: Hey, remember when I had to take Mrs. Tuxedo Pants to the vet in your car?
WADE: Yeah. What happened?
RK: Nothing. I mean, she might have pissed all over your seats and you'll have to replace them, but how much of a problem would that be?
WADE: IT'S A VERY BIG PROBLEM, YOU JACKASS!
RK: Okay, but the silver lining is, your car will be better than before.
SCENE 14
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is confronting Wade in the living room.
WADE: I can't believe this. I'm getting fired?
RK: Yes. But Wade, just know that this wasn't my call. I was forced to make this decision, and I was seconds away from walking away from the play.
WADE: Okay. Then why didn't you?
RK: That's a great question. You know why that's a great question? Because it really cuts down everything to the essence. "Why didn't you?" It's a really soulful question.
WADE: You know what? Forget it. You get to write the school play and all of a sudden, you think you're a big man?
RK: Of course not. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't even get to write the play.
WADE: Well, I'm glad you finally got around to repaying me. I'm outta here.
Wade leaves the house at that point.
RK: Wade, please, we can work past this.
Beat.
RK: I'm not a big man...most of the time.
SCENE 15
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Wade's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Later on, Wade is readying himself for bedtime.
WADE: The nerve of that kid. The gall, the audacity, the moxie of that child to take me out of the play. It was my play. I was supposed to write it, not him. Now he thinks he's capable of putting on a show about some dumb robot invasion?
Wade gets inside the bed and covers himself with his blankets.
WADE: You know what? I'm getting ahead of myself. RK will never be able to handle this kind of pressure. He'll crack, leave the play, and probably offer me the job. Then everything will fall into place.
Wade closes his eyes and goes to sleep.
SCENE 16
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
On opening night for RK's play, everyone claps and cheers as RK takes a bow by himself on stage. People start throwing bouquets of flowers and boxes of chocolates at his feet.
RK: Thank you. Thank you everybody, you're a great audience!
At that point, a tomato gets thrown at RK's suit.
RK: Hey, what the hell?
RK looks up and becomes shocked when he realizes that Wade threw the tomato.
RK: Wade?!
WADE: BOO! YOU SUCK!
Wade begins throwing more tomatoes at RK, which makes him fall on the stage floor. Pretty soon, everybody starts laughing at RK.
RK: WHY?! SOMEONE TELL ME WHY, DAMMIT!
WADE: GAH! I'M ANGRY!
Wade continues throwing more tomatoes at RK while the laughter continues.
RK: WADE, YOU SON OF A BITCH! WHY?! TELL ME WHY?!
For some inexplicable reason, Wade switches to throwing broccoli and RK runs off the stage.
SCENE 17
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Wade's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Cut to Wade waking up in his bed screaming, revealing the whole thing to be a nightmare.
WADE: Why was I throwing broccoli at him?!
SCENE 18
The Chachinski Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Wade is on Adriana's couch talking about his issues while Adriana takes notes in her notepad, similar to a therapy meeting.
WADE: Adi, it was horrible. Everybody loved RK's play. They were giving him all this stuff and I just humiliated him. I was a monster.
ADRIANA: Well, it was just a dream. It's not like you would ever do that in real life.
WADE: Yeah, that's what I wanted to believe. But I don't know. I'm starting to think I'm jealous of RK. Imagine that. I can't even be happy for my best friend.
ADRIANA: Damn. You really wanted to write that play, didn't you?
WADE: I did. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't act like everything's okay, because it's almost like something was taken from me. But I was the one who gave RK this chance. I'll look like a bastard if I complain about it.
ADRIANA: I think the best thing you can do is step aside. Not let your jealousy take over and let RK have this one.
WADE: If you were me, you would do the same thing?
ADRIANA: I did do the same thing when I was you.
WADE: What are you talking about?
ADRIANA: Wade, did you know I used to love playing soccer?
WADE: Wait, seriously?
Adriana gives Wade an annoyed look.
WADE: I mean, wait, seriously?! I'm just so shocked by this sudden turn of events, that's wild.
ADRIANA: Yeah, nice save. Anyway, I was crazy about soccer. I would buy all the team uniforms, play in the streets with other kids. I even went to MLS games just because I wanted to.
WADE: Wow, you really liked soccer if you did that.
ADRIANA: Yeah, really did. Anyway, one day, Anna and I tried out for the traveling soccer team and she got in, but I didn't. I was so mad because I loved soccer and I had never even seen her play until she tried out.
WADE: So what did you do?
ADRIANA: Well, after being mad for a while, I realized that Anna was better than me and there's nothing I could do about it. I didn't try to stand in her way or tell her that she couldn't do it. Eventually, she became a way bigger sports person than me.
WADE: Wait, so you're saying that RK is going to become the smartest kid in school?!
ADRIANA: Wade, are you even paying attention to what I'm saying?
WADE: Yes. I should be trying to bring RK up, not tear him down. He needs this right now. You know what? I'm not going to let my jealousy get the best of me. I'm going to school and I'm going to help RK make this the best play we've ever had.
ADRIANA: See, that's the Wade I like.
WADE: It sucks, though. You could have been the girlfriend of a playwright.
ADRIANA: Well, I'll always be the girlfriend of a genius.
WADE: Yes, you will.
Beat.
ADRIANA: You really should go. You're already 45 minutes late.
WADE: Oh, shit.
SCENE 19
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
RK is looking at the rehearsal for a robot dance scene.
RK: Guys, I don't know if this is working. You have to march like you're doing it to the theme song for Butt Ugly Martians. It has a really dynamic sound.
MR. FRAX: Burning the candle at both ends, RK?
Mr. Frax walks up to RK.
RK: Mr. Frax, what are you doing here?
MR. FRAX: Well, after Wade got fired, Principal MacGregor made me the new director. He wanted to make sure everything was going smoothly.
RK: For the most part, yeah. This is the most fun I've ever had at school. For the first time, I feel like a somebody. Like those honor roll kids or those kids that take remedial courses.
MR. FRAX: I don't know if that's a positive comparison.
RK: Hey, those kids have brand recognition. It's all I'm saying.
MR. FRAX: Look, anyway, I just wanted to say that you've been doing a great job with the play and I'm proud of you.
RK: Wow, thanks, Mr. Frax.
MR. FRAX: I was actually hoping I could get a copy of your script. Maybe I could give you some notes.
RK: My script?
MR. FRAX: Yes, your script. You have one, don't you?
RK: No. I never wrote a script for this play.
MR. FRAX: Wait, so all these kids are rehearsing for a play with no predetermined dialogue?
RK: Not exactly. I'm going for an improvisational approach. Some of the greats do the same thing. You know David Lynch? He doesn't know how his work will turn out in the beginning. He lets his movies tell him what they want to be. So, in a way, I'm talking to my play.
Beat.
RK: So, how soon do you need that copy?
SCENE 20
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Wade walks towards the auditorium when RK walks out in a hurry.
WADE: Hey RK, I wanted to...
RK: Sorry, Wade, but they're riding me about this script. Show business, am I right?
RK begins running out of the school.
WADE: What a jackass.
SCENE 21
("Rabbit Run" by Eminem plays in the background)
That night, RK sits at his laptop tapping his pencil on the desk, trying to come up with ideas for the script to "Junkyard Dreams." Meanwhile, at Wade's house, he looks vengeful as he sits at the computer in the den. All Wade writes is "#canceltheplay" on Microsoft Word over a gold background. The copies of "#canceltheplay" continue coming out of the printer. Going back to RK, he continues writing in his notebook, but becomes easily frustrated and keeps crumpling up his papers into balls and throwing them over his shoulder on the floor. As Eminem says "This half-assed rhyme with this half-assed piece of paper" and the sound of a paper being ripped out of a notebook is heard, RK crumples up another piece of paper and tosses it over his shoulder as the song inexplicably stops playing.
RK: What the hell am I doing? I need to actually write something, I'm wasting paper!
"Rabbit Run" resumes playing at that point and RK begins writing actual dialogue. To make it easier, RK decides to write the "Junkyard Dreams" script on his laptop, and begins finding it less harder to write as he fills up the script pages. Meanwhile, Wade packs his many copies and several rolls of Scotch tape into his backpack and drives all the way to school. Wade finds an alternate entrance to the school and while he's in the hallway, he manically tapes his many copies of "#canceltheplay" everywhere he can find, from the lockers to the bulletin board to classroom doors to the double doors of the auditorium. The montage ends as Wade drives away from the school and RK finishes his script.
SCENE 22
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, the kids are reacting to the "#canceltheplay" fliers. RK looks unfazed.
JAYLYNN: What kind of weirdo does this? RK, when you find this kid, make sure you smack them so hard, they won't even remember what school they go to.
RK: Eh, I don't care. For all I know, it's probably just some dumb kid that wanted attention. Besides, nothing can get me down today.
Wade walks up to the guys.
WADE: Hey guys, what's going on?
JAYLYNN: Some idiot wants to cancel RK's play.
SPARKY: Yeah, it's just this hashtag telling you to cancel the play. Honestly, this guy had way too much time on his hands.
BUSTER: Probably doesn't have any friends.
JAYLYNN: Hell yeah. Wherever he is, he better hope none of us find him.
WADE: Maybe he was just really jealous and took it too far?
RK: Maybe. But you know what they say about small people. I have better things to do than worry about some punk kid.
WADE: Yeah, who gives a shit about punk kids? Hey Buster, could I talk to you about something?
BUSTER: Sure, why not?
Wade and Buster walk off to the side.
BUSTER: What did you want to talk about, buddy?
WADE: I know who put up all these fliers.
BUSTER: Was it Ashley? I knew it was Ashley! She tried to steal RK's thunder again and when she couldn't do it, she lost it and tried to get rid of the play instead.
WADE: Buster, it was me.
BUSTER: Wade, we don't have time for jokes. We need to get the truth out of Ashley so we can report her.
WADE: I'm not joking, it was really me. I came in here last night and put up all these fliers.
BUSTER: Holy shit! Why would you do that, man? RK's your best friend!
WADE: Don't you think I know that? I let my jealousy get the best of me. I just can't stand it that after all these years of slacking off, RK gets the attention for a play that I always wanted to write.
BUSTER: So now what? Do I tell everyone so they can shame you?
WADE: Why would you do a dumbass thing like that?
BUSTER: Because you're being a dick right now and if you don't watch it, you're going to end up losing all your friends? Don't make me push the button, Wade.
WADE: You're right, I'm sorry. What the hell is my problem?
BUSTER: I wish I knew. You telling me in the first place probably should have tipped me off that you've been hitting the bottle.
WADE: Buster, I'm not drinking.
BUSTER: Dude, you don't have to hide it anymore. Peer pressure is all the rage these days. But the choice is always yours.
WADE: Thank you for the PSA, but I think I know how I can fix this. At recess, you and I are going to get rid of all these fliers. Everyone forgets they were up, and RK can still have his moment.
BUSTER: Sounds like a plan. And after that, you think we could get you into AA? I could be your sponsor!
Wade gives Buster an annoyed look.
SCENE 23
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
At recess, Wade is living up to his word by taking down the "#canceltheplay" fliers with Buster's assistance.
BUSTER: Man, did you have to make so many of these? After the first couple copies, people know how you feel about the play. Anything beyond that is just wasting trees.
WADE: Believe me, I was in a dark place last night, but I'm paying for it. If I can just get rid of each and every copy, RK can have his moment with no distractions.
BUSTER: If you wanted to be in the play so bad, how come you quit being the director?
WADE: I didn't quit, I got fired.
BUSTER: Oh. Maybe you deserved it?
Beat.
BUSTER: I'm just trying to have a conversation with you.
SCENE 24
iCarly Elementary School
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Wade and Buster are putting all the copies of the flier into Wade's trunk.
WADE: Thanks for your help, Buster. What RK doesn't know won't hurt him.
RK: You sure about that?
WADE: Yes, I am, and...Buster, please tell me it was you who just asked me that.
BUSTER: I really wish I could, but that would make me a dirty liar.
Wade turns around and sees an enraged RK.
WADE: Hey RK, what brings you here? I'm just cleaning up the school with my pal Buster.
RK: It was you?!
WADE: Yes. I'm sorry, man, I feel terrible about this whole thing.
RK: That's not enough. For the first time in a long time, I actually have a reason to come to school. Why would you try and ruin this for me?!
WADE: I just got really jealous of all the attention you were getting. I spent a long time dreaming about writing the school play and I didn't think you were qualified for it.
RK: And who makes up these qualifications? You?
BUSTER: RK, I just wanna say that in Wade's defense, he's been a little...
Buster makes a hand motion that simulates him drinking an entire bottle of liquor and then proceeds to act tipsy.
BUSTER: ...lately. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he just couldn't stop himself.
WADE: Dude, he's not going to buy that.
RK: I probably would have, because this doesn't make any sense. You were the one who wanted to me to join the play even though I told you I wasn't interested, and now you have a problem with that?
WADE: I was just trying to boost your confidence.
RK: Oh, okay, I get it now. It was easy for you to say all that stuff just so long as I never outshined you, right?
WADE: No, that's not...
RK: I don't give a shit what it is. You know what? Don't even bother coming to the play, I don't wanna see you there.
RK storms off.
WADE: This might be the worst thing I've ever done.
BUSTER: You sure you just don't want people to think you've been having a little taste?
Wade gives Buster an annoyed look.
SCENE 25
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
On opening night of "Junkyard Dreams," Wade is sulking as he sits on the couch surrounded by the guys. RK is nowhere to be found.
SPARKY: Come on, Wade. Junkyard Dreams is tonight. You're really not going to see your best friend's play?
WADE: What's the point? He won't answer my phone calls, texts, Facebook messages. And he told me he didn't want me there. The least I could do is give him what he wants.
SPARKY: You know he didn't mean that. He was just mad at you after what you did.
WADE: Doesn't seem that way to me. Let him have his moment.
JAYLYNN: You know, Wade, you're my friend, so I wouldn't feel right beating the shit out of you. But I will say that I'm disappointed in you.
WADE: Couldn't you just beat the shit out of me?
JAYLYNN: No, because you're expecting it. What I just said gives you something to think about.
Jaylynn leaves the house at that point.
WADE: Great. The one time RK and Jaylynn are on the same page, it's at my expense.
SPARKY: You really should show up to see the play, Wade. RK will know you're sorry for what happened.
BUSTER: Yeah. You're going to miss a robot invasion in a junkyard. And for what?
Buster shakes his head and leaves. Sparky follows him. Wade sighs and turns on the TV.
SCENE 26
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Some time later, Wade is sleeping when he gets slapped multiple times by another Wade.
WADE: Oh no.
WADE #2: Wake up, stupid. School is back in session.
WADE: Come on, I thought I got rid of you the first time!
WADE #2: If you weren't such an idiot, I wouldn't have to come back.
WADE: Let me guess. You're a Wade from an alternate reality where you went to the play?
WADE #2: No. I'm Wade from a reality where I never got jealous in the first place. Dude, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and go support RK.
WADE: Why? He told me not to come to the show.
WADE #2: Wow, you're slow. Of course, he would say that. He just found out his best friend was being a passive-aggressive loser.
WADE: Dude, are you here to help me or insult me?
WADE #2: I'm just saying, you should know RK by now. He's expecting you to be there, you just don't know it.
WADE: Then why has he been freezing me out?
WADE #2: Because of what you told him. You didn't have any faith in RK to write the play because you thought he would screw it up. As much as you talk about him wanting to do better, you couldn't stand him doing better than you.
WADE: Damn. You're really bearing the soul.
WADE #2: Well, it's true. And if you were really his friend, you would show up to his play instead of feeling sorry for yourself.
WADE: You know what? You're right. No matter what, RK's always been there for me, and now, he needs me to be there for him. It's time for me to fix this.
Beat.
WADE: Okay, I had my epiphany. Why are you still here?
WADE #2: I'm contractually obligated to stay here until you leave the house.
WADE: But you're just a figment of my imagination!
WADE #2: Nothing you're saying right now is going to save your friendship.
SCENE 27
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Wade runs into the school and towards the auditorium, where he stops by the admission booth being run by Manny.
WADE: Manny? You're selling the tickets this year?
MANNY: Yeah, RK said my acting was too uninspired.
WADE: That makes sense.
MANNY: Well, you're an idiot. First fourth grader to direct the school play and you get fired? Meanwhile, I can't even get a part.
WADE: Yeah, I'm aware of that. Just give me a damn ticket.
SCENE 28
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
Backstage, RK looks depressed as he talks to Ashley.
RK: I can't believe he's not coming.
ASHLEY: Yeah, but you told him not to.
RK: I was just talking like a big man! I'm still mad at Wade, but I really wish he was here.
ASHLEY: Look, RK, I know Wade did a really bad thing, but you can't let that bother you. You wrote a great play, spent weeks rehearsing it with us, and you did it because you believed in yourself. You didn't need anybody's help.
RK: I guess. But maybe he was right. Maybe I just got lucky.
ASHLEY: No, you didn't. You have to get it out of your head that you can't do anything on your own. You're the most creative person I know, and if Wade doesn't see that, that's his problem.
RK nods his head and hugs Ashley.
RK: Thanks Ashley. You're right. I need to get my head in the game. These people came to see a show. These people came to be entertained. Well, I'm going to give them the greatest damn show they've ever seen! Why? Because I can.
SCENE 29
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
The lights get turned down as "Junkyard Dreams" commences. Cut to the gang sitting near the front row. Another shot shows Wade sitting in the back of the auditorium with a smile on his face. The curtain is raised and an inventor is shown in his warehouse, building a robot while the instrumental to "Fly Like an Eagle" by the Steve Miller Band plays in the background. At that point, the robot begins glowing and picks itself up off the table.
INVENTOR: You're perfect! You're everything I wanted!
The inventor does a bizarre dance which makes the audience laugh.
SCENE 30
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
Later on, the inventor smashes up the robot and puts the parts in the junkyard dumpster while a sorrowful saxophone solo is heard in the background. The inventor leaves angrily while the robot ends up putting itself together again and jumps out of the dumpster with vengeance in its eyes. The robot snaps his fingers and is then joined by other robots that rebuild themselves. They then stand tall as a junkyard army. Wade looks shocked.
WADE: Damn, this is a good play.
SCENE 31
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
A dramatic score plays in the background during the climactic fight scene between the robots and the inventor. Wade simulates eating popcorn as his eyes remain on the stage. The inventor is thrown into a fence, which leaves him in a vulnerable position as the robots corner him.
INVENTOR: Please! Don't do it! Have mercy on my soul!
The inventor is grabbed by his collar, and instead of being killed, the robots blast him in his face with several guns that release a purple ooze. At that point, the inventor slowly picks up robot characteristics and begins moving in step with the robots during a march out of the junkyard, while the instrumental to the "Butt Ugly Martians" theme song plays in the background. The curtain closes and the audience erupts in cheers. Mr. Frax walks onto the stage.
MR. FRAX: Please, let's all give it up for our brilliant playwright, RK Jennings!
RK walks out on stage and gets a huge reaction. Roses and boxes of chocolate get thrown at his feet. He squints his eyes to take a look at the back and sees Wade clapping on top of his seat. A smile appears on RK's face at that point.
SCENE 32
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
Later on, RK is sitting on the stage when Wade walks up to him.
WADE: Hey.
RK: Hey.
WADE: That was a fantastic play.
RK: So you weren't just patronizing me when you were clapping?
WADE: Oh, you saw me.
RK: Yeah.
WADE: Look, RK, I'm really sorry for the way I've been acting. All these years, I've been telling you that all you need to do is apply yourself and you're capable of all these great things. Then you do and I can't even support you.
RK: You know, Wade, society has spent years trying to hurt me and humiliate me. And I'm okay with that. But I never thought you would have society's back.
WADE: I know. That's why the least I could do is come see your play and watch your vision come to life.
RK: Well, that's great and all, but I'm just not ready to forgive you yet.
WADE: Okay. I mean, it's cool if you don't want to be around me anymore. I deserve it.
Wade begins walking away.
RK: What do you think I'm doing, smoking crack? Of course, I forgive you.
WADE: Really?
RK: Yeah, get over here, square head.
Wade walks back up to RK and hugs him.
RK: So, you were really jealous of me, huh?
WADE: Yeah. It just made me do something irrational without thinking. Like when you write angry letters to Los Angeles Rams management.
RK: They weren't shit until they moved out of St. Louis! They need to remember who held the NFC West down.
WADE: I agree. Hey, you think we could work on next year's play together?
RK: Me and you? Working on "Junkyard Dreams 2"? I don't think the school can handle that.
WADE: That's exactly why we need to do it.
Beat.
RK: You're an evil mastermind, Saltalamacchia.
WADE: I know.
RK and Wade trade devious smiles and start laughing maniacally. Cut to black.
("Next Time" by Gang Starr plays over the end credits)
©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
In memory of Stephen Hillenburg
August 21, 1961 - November 26, 2018