To Return

Autor's Note: A short coda to 5x16. It hurt me to see everyone in pain and despair. I simply had to write this.

Warnings: Spoilers up to episode 5x16.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from Supernatural.

The sound of the door shutting behind him broke his heart. But he didn't turn around. For a while he just kept walking, further and further, without really having a destination in mind. He felt as if he could leave all this mess behind, all the pain and the betrayals. Leave Sam behind.

His brother had betrayed him. And not just now, it was all this time, when Dean had thought their family meant as much to Sam as it meant to him. But obviously that wasn't the case. Sam's happiest memories were the ones without Dean. The ones that were the most painful memories to Dean. He never thought that their relationship could ever end up like that. For a moment, just a few hours ago, Dean had been on that field together with his little brother and the fireworks. It was the happiest memory in his heart and now, that made him feel even worse. It reminded him again on how much he depended on others, on his mother, on Sam, on his family. But in return, they didn't care about him. They didn't give him back what he was giving to them. He was a fool and he felt like a fool.

The thoughts rushing through his head brought tears to his eyes. And it was okay. His feet had taken him somewhere he didn't know. Nobody would see him, look at him or pity him.

He was alone. In a ways he never had been before.

Dean lowered his head as he realized that he was, after all, standing in front of the motel's door again. Without him noticing he had returned.

He hated himself for it. His heart would always make him return, he knew, and it made him feel sick. Why was everyone able to live their lives on their own and even be happy with it, except him? Why was he the one cursed with a love for his family that would never be returned?

He opened the door against his will. The room was dark. "Sam?" he said and the sound of that name resounded in his ears.

"He's not here" another voice replied. "He left shortly after you did. He won't return."

Hearing those words, Dean knew it was true. Sam wouldn't find himself standing at the door again without noticing. Dean wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt even though the room was pitch black.

Silently he closed the door again, shutting out the moonlight that had lingered there for a moment like a ray of hope in a dark and dismal night.

He walked over to where the voice had come from. There was a dark figure lying on the bed, blanket pulled up to his chin.

"What are you doing there, Cas?" Dean said quietly. "Why are you lying in bed?"

Castiel didn't turn around. He was lying on his side facing the wall. "Why not" the angel replied and his voice was so weak and broken, Dean knew there was not a single bit of faith left in him.

He was just like himself, Dean realized and lowered his head. He sat down on the hard floor, leaning his back against the bed frame and pulled his legs close to his chest. "I mean, lying around in bed is a pretty human thing. You've never done that before." There was no reply. Somehow Dean felt stupid for this weak attempt to lighten up the mood. It would only make things worse. But obviously this was his talent.

For a moment Dean tried to image how Castiel was feeling right now. He could still remember that look the angel had given him when he told him he would go and find God so that He could set things right. It had been full of hope and full of faith. Castiel had made that decision so that Dean would not have to become Michael's vessel. In order to keep him the way he was. For a second the thought crossed Dean's mind that Castiel might be the only one in the world who ever truly cared for him.

And now the angel had lost his faith. He had just started to head down the road that would lead him to his despaired, resigning future-self.

"You shouldn't lie in bed" Dean said after a while. "You should not try to become more human."

"But I want to become human" Castiel's voice came from behind. "If I were human I could just lie here forever. I would not move nor shift. I'd wait and starve and die."

Dean held his breath. Castiel's words brought tears to his eyes even though he didn't know why. Maybe it was because of their harshness, maybe because of the determination in Castiel's voice, but Dean felt that most likely it was because he just felt the same. Castiel had spoken the words from his heart Dean didn't have the courage to say.

"The only right decision I've ever made", Castiel's voice was merely a whisper, "was to abandon Heaven. I was a fool not to realize that I had been abandoned all along. So I'm glad I left them."

"Don't say that!" A sudden rush of pain brought Dean to his feet. He stared down at the angel. "Just… don't."

Slowly Castiel turned around, puzzled at why his words had caused such a reaction when Dean should be feeling the same.

"You can't be glad" Dean said and tears were starting to run down his cheek. "You are not glad" he said with wavering determination.

Castiel looked back at him and sat up.

"It's because you're like me, Castiel. We're the same. And we always keep returning to their door even if we don't want to. Because we need them more than they need us. That's the truth we have to face." He swallowed and there was a sob he could not repress. "That's just the way we are. So stop lying to yourself."

Castiel stared back at the human who was standing in front of him, crying… and speaking the truth. "Dean…" he said, lowering his head and pulling the blanket away to make room on the mattress.

Dean sat down close to the angel, leaning his forehead against his shoulder. And as Castiel could not see his face anymore the tears stared to run down his cheek without him resisting.

"You won't abandon me, promise, Cas."

Castiel put his hand on Dean's back. "You know me, Dean. You just said it yourself. I'm like you. And that's why I will always keep returning."