Orihime lay in her bed, looking out her window. The sun was shining down in thick sheets of golden light that only came with the morning. Small birds perched on her window cell, chirping pleasantly.
Her bed was warm and plush, her covers smooth over her skin. She blinked lazily, wrapped up in the warmth and drowsiness of a weekend morning. Her room was lit with enough light from the window to prove that it was past nine in the morning already- a time late into the day for her. Her old self would have been up at eight am, bounding around and chirping a song to the birds outside her window.
She hasn't slept in so, so long.
She let out a breath of warm air, turning on her side. She covered her head up with her blankets, shutting her eyes as hard as she could. She wanted to wipe away her sight in that moment, as everything around her was so sickeningly different from how she felt inside.
She could feel her heart dripping with a sadness like a cold ocean- drowning her, suffocating her, filling her sights with an icy darkness. She felt chilled inside, so much so that she found herself shivering. She was probably sick, she thought; it would explain the feeling in her stomach just asking her to heave.
Her jaw was beginning to ache from her clenching her teeth together to stop the chattering, and her legs were sore from curling up into a ball as tightly as she could for so long.
She had slept all through the night, but she felt like all of her energy had been burnt over while she was sleeping.
Orihime had plans with Tatsuki that afternoon. The girl wanted to catch her up to speed on what had happened while she was… away. It had been a week since she had gotten back, and she was one hundred percent physically recovered.
She was contemplating calling in sick.
Orihime threw her covers off her face, flipping over on to her side again to pull the curtains closed. Her room's light muted down to a dull glow.
She heaved a breath.
Slowly, Orihime sat up, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed. Her pink pajamas rose up and exposed her ankles, caught on the side of the bed, prompting her to look down at her feet.
She wiggled her toes, watching silently, her mouth pressed into a thin line.
She was functioning properly.
She stood hesitantly, like someone with both of their legs broken standing again for the first time since healing. Her legs hadn't been broken, of course, but to her she felt like something else had. She wasn't exactly sure what- she just knew it hurt and that it certainty hadn't healed yet. Based on how she was feeling, she was sure that whatever had been damaged inside of her had become infected and was slowly festering, rotting her from the inside out.
She closed her eyelids, taking in a slow, deep breath. She could taste the air- not clean, but light. Not heavy like she was used to. But for some reason, her lungs still ached like she needed more breath. Like she couldn't get enough air.
She ignored the feeling. She had been to the Kurosaki Clinic yesterday. Her lungs, head, and body were working just fine. She was imaging it, just like she had imagined the pain in her body when her brother had died.
She was fine.
Orihime made her way to the bathroom, shuffling her feet, her arms wrapped around herself. She was lonely, but she didn't want to see anyone. It was very un-Orihime like to want to be alone. It sort of scared her, but it was no cause for alarm. Everyone felt like that at least once in his or her life, or so she had been told.
She made it to the bathroom, shutting the door and locking it behind her. She didn't know why she always locked the door- she lived alone. If she wanted to she could even leave the bathroom door open. It wouldn't matter.
Maybe acting like she wasn't alone was her trying to pretend she wasn't.
Orihime didn't hum like usual as she pulled her clothes from her body. She didn't make a single sound. The sound of her shirt hitting the ground was louder than it should have been.
Undressed, Orihime looked in the mirror, going over her body with a blank stare. She turned and twisted, looking herself over, searching for blossoms of purple that might be the source of her pain. She wanted something to be physically wrong with her because she wanted to be able to see why she was hurting.
She was fine, though. Her skin was unblemished, her bones strong and healthy. Her hair shined with life, and her skin wasn't pale in the least.
Her eyes were lifeless, but that sort of thing just happens sometimes, and there is no medicine that can fix it.
Orihime turned on her shower, jumping a little with the sudden explosion of noise. Once her heart stopped racing she stepped in, not even flinching under the steaming water. She usually couldn't stand to have the water turned up all the way, but the burning water made her feel like she wasn't so numb that morning, so she didn't bother to change the temperature.
She didn't sing in the shower. She didn't talk to herself. She didn't imagine the day or re-play TV episodes in her mind. She tried forcing herself not to think. But, of course, no one can really shut their brain off. She thought, as much as she didn't want to.
Why didn't I do anything? I'm the worst person in the world. I could have helped. I could have fixed it. But then what? More killing? It's my fault to begin with. I should have stopped them before anything even had the chance to start. I… I shouldn't have even worried anyone to begin with. I should have trusted my friends.
She didn't notice that she had started to shake.
I should have done better!
She couldn't feel her tears under the scorching heat of the water.
I shouldn't have been so weak!
She did notice, though, when she fell to the shower floor. She sat there, her legs bent at her sides, as her hands held up her head. Water trickled over her head and slid down her face, into her eyes, over her mouth. She slammed her eyes shut and tried to get lost in the patterns that spun around behind her eyelids.
If only I had done something… none of this would have happened if it weren't from me. I just stood there and watched it all happen, and then when I did have a chance to do something, I made it all worse.
She bit down hard on her lip, trying to hold her sobs back in her throat.
I…
She opened her eyes, staring down at her hands.
I could have…
She let a loud choked noise from her throat, her body seizing forward.
I could have saved him!
Finally she let her loud moans of pain pour from her mouth, trapped between a cry and a scream. Her body shook with the force of her cries, the tears coming hard and fast, as she tried to pull herself together.
Why did I let this all happen?
It's all my fault.
Eventually she was able to stop, and pull herself back together. She stood, shuddering, and finished her shower. She turned the water off, stepping out into the cool air of the bathroom, and wrapped a peach towel around herself.
Stepping over her discarded pajamas, she unlocked the bathroom door and stepped out into the hall.
Cold air came rushing at her, sending goose bumps raising over her exposed arms and legs. Clenching her jaw again she hurried to her bedroom, diving back under the covers in hopes of keeping warm.
Her wet hair soaked her pillow immediately, cooling off in the exposed air and chilling the cheek she had pressed to the headrest.
She pulled her head under the covers, breathing through an open mouth in hopes of warming her blanket tent enough to stop her shivering.
She lay there for a couple of minutes, breathing heavily, trying to warm up when she suddenly heard the phone. She sat strait up, her wet hair flying around her face and sticking to her skin.
Orihime listened to it ring once, twice, before scrambling from her bed and down the hall. She barely made it into the living room before the ringing stopped, grabbing the phone from its hook and fumbling with it for a moment before she managed to answer.
"H-hello?"
"Hey, Orihime. Are we still on for today?"
It was Tatsuki. Orihime forced a smile, hoping her tone would come across just as bubbly as usual. "Of course!" She chirped, her insides churning with the false emotion. "Do you mind just coming over to my house, though?" The last thing she wanted to do was go out.
"That's cool. It feels like a lazy day anyway. I'll pick up a movie or something on the way over. Does an action sound good to you?"
"Yeah! Sounds great!"
"Cool. I'll see you in a little bit."
"Okay. Bye, Tatsuki!"
"Bye!"
Click.
Orihime stood there, wrapped up in her towel. She was still for almost a whole two minutes, clutching the phone in her hand, before she finally moved to put it back on the charger.
She stumbled back a step, falling onto her couch.
She sat there, staring, looking at nothing and everything all at once.
Tatsuki didn't knock or ring the doorbell before coming in. They were best friends- all Tatsuki had to do was grab the key from it's hidden place outside and then walk in.
She did, smiling, holding a grocery bag. "Hey, Orihime, I-" Tatsuki froze, her smile dropping from her face. "Orihime?"
Orihime jumped, looking over at Tatsuki in surprise. She was still in her towel, but nether of them really noticed or cared. "Oh, hi Tatsuki!" She forced a watermelon smile, tilting her head a little to the side.
Tatsuki wasn't like Orihime's other friends. She could tell a fake smile from a real one. She lowered her arm, tilting her head to the side a little. "What's wrong?" She asked, confused.
Orihime could feel the lump in the back of her throat expanding. "Nothing!" She said with a bright smile. "Why would you say that?"
As soon as the words left her mouth her smile wavered, her teeth biting her lower lip in an attempt to pull it back up. She surged forwards, her eyes squinted shut, and then promptly broke down into heavy sobs and huge tears.
"Orihime!" Tatsuki dropped her bag, running over to her friend. She sat beside her on the couch, pulling her into a hug. "What's wrong, Orihime?"
This only made the girl sob harder. "I ruined it all, Tatsuki!" She wailed. "I didn't help him! I, I, I-" She started to wail even louder, her whole body shaking.
Tatsuki didn't ask anything more, she just rubbed soothing circles into the girl's back. "Who?"
The girls spent the afternoon in Orihime's living room, Tatsuki laying on the floor listening as Orihime let it all spill. The tomboy didn't say anything other than the occasional, "Go on." Or, "Take your time."
And Orihime told her everything.
~)o0o(~
The days in Los Noches were long, simply unending. Underneath the dome it was always day, after all. The nights, however, were longer. Orihime spent most of her time in her 'room' staring out at the eternal night.
It was hard to judge time, since everything was at a stand still. She had taken to counting breaths when she got especially restless and wanted to know how much time had passed, but usually gave up after counting to three hundred.
In the beginning she spent a lot of time sleeping, simply lying down, and daydreaming. All in all, it seemed like most of her time was spent in some sort of sleep-like state. She would wake up for each meal, and then try to entertain herself as long as she could after that. But, when she finally reached a point where she thought she might die of boredom, she would crawl up onto her couch and snuggled up in a ball. When she got comfortable, she would slowly drift off to sleep.
One would think that with all the inactivity, she might have grown fat. But no, Orihime wasn't healthy enough to gain any weight. She was slowly thinning out, becoming more and more like a skeleton than an actual human being. She got sickly and pale, and started sleeping more and more. She had fallen ill and fragile- just moving took so much energy. All she had wanted to do was sleep.
It went on like that for two weeks, if they were indeed feeding her three meals a day. She kept track of the days by dinners; using her hands to rip little strings off of the rug in her room and then storing them under the couch.
Then, her warden had intervened.
"You are becoming an unsightly and disgusting creature." He had told her. "This is unacceptable. You will do well to keep yourself in better health- your body must be kept in good condition, as must every possession of Lord Aizen."
She had come to grow familiar with her baby sitter. He had stopped scaring her long, long ago. He wasn't like the other espada- he wasn't brash and mean or vile. He was morbid, yes, and quiet frankly he was something to be respected.
But after so long in his company, she had grown to not fear him in the least. She might even go so far as to say she enjoyed his company.
Being 'kept' does things to people. Orihime was usually timid and a bit shy by nature, but in a place where she was just an object… in a place where her neck would be snapped without hesitation if a certain man gave the world… well, there was some expression about live while you're still breathing. She really took it to heart.
"You can't tell me what to do." She stuck her tongue out at him playfully, sitting up on the couch.
He narrowed his eyes at her, almost angry, but mostly confused. She noticed that about him- she confused him all the time. It was like every single thing she did made him think, and everything she did made no sense in the end.
"Will you defy me?"
Orihime was familiar with him. She didn't fear him. But just like a person is familiar and unafraid of his or her friend, one is always aware of what said person can do. If you were friends with a karate master, you would know they could probably knock you out. If you were friends with a weapon's expert, you would know they could slice and dice you easily. If you were friends with a poison maker, you would know that they could kill you simply by offering you a bowl of chocolates.
As such, Orihime had a healthy respect of Ulquiorra's abilities. She also knew that when it came to his abilities, unlike any human friend might have, Ulquiorra wasn't exactly the type to hold back or disclose harm simply for the sake of friendship.
Orihime had grown bolder- not idiotic.
"No."
"A wise choice." He had answered. "Now, you are to come with me, woman."
He had introduced her to the dome. Yes, she did have to walk the gardens without her hairpins. She had her every move guarded and shadowed by Ulquiorra. But finally she was out of her cell and somewhere else. Yes, the sun was fake. And yes, there was no real blue sky there.
But for the first time in a long time, she had felt alive. And in that moment of life Ulquiorra had presented to her, she saw what she had been doing to herself.
She had come to Los Noches to protect her friends. She wouldn't cast aside their care and love by making herself as sickly as she had become. What would her darling Kurosaki-kun say if he saw what she was doing?
And so, she had asked him to take her out for a walk every other day. (She had to face facts- once a day would really be pushing it.) And he had simply replied with a yes. Not that he would have ask Lord Aizen. No, he had actually as himself offered to take her out every day and walk her through the dome.
After that little excursion, Inoue almost became afraid to sleep too long. Instead of retiring to the couch when she got bored, she would try to invent new things. She would make up a new language, or tap out a code on the ground, or scour her room in search of the brownies that ran the castle in her imagination. Mostly, though, she would make up songs and sing them.
Orihime came to find that she didn't mind the solitaire so much. In her old life it had been hard to grasp a single second to think to herself, and when she had, it had only ever been alone in her home. That had made her sort of sad; living alone.
Now she didn't live alone. She was accompanied every meal. She went on walks through a garden every other day. And sometimes, though not very often, she could convince her company to stay for hours on end.
She found that she rather liked to have her more mature nature show every now and then. It was fun to be childish, yes, but if you always acted like a kid people would treat you like one.
And, in the words of Ulquiorra, "I have no time to waste on a idiot child."
She had grown rather strong, there, alone in her little world. Ulquiorra didn't baby her like everyone else did. He treated her like other people treated Rukia- a full adult, capable of making her own decisions. He had seen her strength where no one else had.
He had been the one to show her that she wasn't just some kid.
"Do not presume to speak in that tone, woman, it makes you look moronic. You are above that." And, "If you do not open your eyes and see that you posses some sort of worth than perhaps you would be of better use put away in storage. Better yet, the lab of the seventh espada." Along with, "You let your daydreams get ahead of yourself. You may dream, woman, it is not of my concern, but do not babble on about your delusions for all to hear. Because you are strong you share your fantasies without embarrassment, but others may see it as a weakness. They will regard you as an infant." Last but not least, "You think you are weak? Do not insult me. No, do not insult Lord Aizen. Do you think you would be here if you were weak? You, woman, are not common trash. Do not think you would be here if you were. I have no time for weaklings, and if you intend to act like one, then perhaps you were better of perishing the very moment I lay eyes on you."
He had built her up in a harsh way, but she was glad of it. She didn't want sugar-coated words of her pretty smile and gentle healing skills. She wanted someone to be ruthless in their assessment of her skills, and she wanted them to find her strong.
And he was just that.
One month had gone by. She had come to not mind being in Los Noches all that much. She missed her friends, and she hated being on the enemies' side, but she wasn't drowning in her own despair. When her friends came to rescue her, she would be stronger than before.
She was nervous, however.
It had never been her intention to stay so long. Where were her friends? Surely they were coming to rescue her. They couldn't possibly think that she was a traitor… could they?
"Ulquiorra, do you think my friends think I'm a traitor?"
He had been silent for a moment. "It would certainty seem that way." He muttered. "Though I would assume if they are able to judge character with any skills higher than that of an infant, then they would come to believe you have been abducted."
She could tell by the way he spoke he had already thought that one through a long time ago.
She frowned down into her cup of water. "I'm bait, aren't I?"
"Congratulations," He had told her in a flat voice. "You are more knowledgeable than most of your pathetic race."
She had fallen back into her couch, suddenly melancholy. "I hate this."
He had looked over at her, seemingly disinterested. "What?"
"This," She gestured broadly around her. "Being trapped. I don't have a choice in what I do."
He was silent.
"I mean… I can't even stand up for the people who mean something to me."
He had swiftly stood, his demeanor cold. "I will return in the evening with your third meal." And then had been gone from the room before she could even reply.
It was then she realized that he was in the same place as her. He was trapped in Hueco Mundo. He had to live in Los Noches. He didn't have any choice in what he did. And he most certainty couldn't stand up for anyone. Not even himself.
The days had flown by faster than she could count. And despite her caution, and all that she wanted, she couldn't help but come closer to Ulquiorra. He didn't take away her pins when they walked in the garden anymore. He didn't set a time limit to her showers. He brought her drinks like hot coco and lemonade, and sometimes came in with things like freshly cut meat or cold sandwiches without the crust. He even went so far as to bring her a couple things for when he was not around- a couple books and some other little things.
She found herself captivated by the sound of his voice, his deep monotone as he spoke about things she had never even considered. They argued, constantly. He believed they were better off in an anarchy. She wanted people to follow their hearts. He refused to believe that the heart even existed. She argued that not everything could be seen. He argued that it could. A couple days later, she was able to ask if he could see thoughts. He had never replied to her, but she found that he had started listening to her speeches about the heart and had done less shooting at them.
"Do you ever get emotional?" She asked him one day as they lounged on the couch.
"Emotions are pointless."
"Yeah, but do you still get them?"
"No."
"Really?" She turned on her stomach, propping up her upper body with her elbows. "Not even angry or agitated or happy or glad? Nothing?"
He had thought for a moment before he answered her. Carefully, he said, "In small amounts."
"So you do have emotions?"
"Perhaps. But I do not get emotional."
"You contradict yourself a lot."
"You fail to make sense often times."
"Your face is funny."
"You have become more and more terrible at supporting your arguments."
He took her for walks around the palace sometimes. Most of the time he just stuck to the dome, though, because Orihime got uncomfortable with all the arrancar leering at her as they walked past. Some looked at her like Nnoitora- a gaze that made her sick to her stomach. And then others looked at her like Menoly and Loly- a glare that made her sorry for them.
"Do you hate, woman?" They were sitting under the dome for lunch, for the third time, when he had asked that.
She had smiled at him. "Yes."
"I have not seen it."
She shrugged, leaning back. "I don't hate very much. I just hate little things sometimes. I hate feeling useless. And I hate seeing my friends get hurt."
"Why would you ever feel useless?"
"You'd be surprised at how little I help."
He had looked away from her. "I think you would be surprised to find out how much you do."
She hadn't answered to that.
"Why do you hate seeing your friends hurt?" He asked her. "You can heal them without any difficulties. It makes no sense for you to care about their state of well being when they are virtually indestructible at your side."
She hadn't been able to put it into terms, at first, but had eventually been able to answer. "It's like I've failed my… mission. I want to protect my friends. They shouldn't be hurt, even if I can fix it."
"It makes no sense."
"A lot of things in life don't."
"And in death?"
She had frowned. "Oh… I… I think I'll leave that up to you to decide."
It was funny that all that time, she had been talking to ghosts.
"Do you remember your death?" She asked one morning.
"No. I remember my birth, which may have been the same thing."
She almost didn't want to ask, but found she just couldn't resist knowing. "What was it like?"
"There was a lot of pain. And then darkness. After that, all I knew was blood shed."
"It sounds awful."
"So does life."
"What's so horrible about living?"
"Just how appealing does working oneself to death sound, woman?"
"We don't work our elves to death. We just…"
"Just what?"
She bit her lip, thinking. "Well, it's more than that. It's all the good times that count. Like learning to ride a bike, and eating ice cream, or flying a kite on the first day of summer. Or going swimming at the beach and building sandcastles, and snow bunnies in the winter, and going to festivals and carnivals and getting cotton candy stuck on your face… Things of the heart."
"Those all sound like trivializes."
"Oh yeah? And what's so great about this life?"
"Nothing."
"See, I told-" She stopped. "Wait, what?"
"I hold on to nothing in hopes that one day I may grasp something."
She looked away from him this time. "Is that what it means to be an espada?"
"That is what it means to be myself."
Late at night she would dream of her old life. She would wake up with the smell of sunshine and grass buzzing around her, the feeling of the summer heat on her back.
Other nights, though, she had nightmares of the things that stalked just outside her bedroom door. She would wake up covered in sweat, gasping for breath, eyes wide with panic. At first, there was nothing to be done about it. But towards the end…
"Are you alright?"
Orihime looked over in panic, her heart leaping up in her chest. When she saw who it was, however, she relaxed. "It's you…"
"That it is."
"Ulquiorra?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm sacred."
"What would you have me do about it, woman?"
"Will you… will you just come and sit with me?"
He rose. "I hardly see how this will help." He had told her, though he sat down beside her all the same.
"Ulquiorra?"
"Hmm?"
"Can I hold your hand?"
"What good will it do you?"
"… Please?"
His answer had been to offer up said appendage. "You are pathetic."
"I know." She had leaned against his shoulder, yawning. "Ulquiorra?"
"What now?"
"You're a nice person."
He had scowled at her. "Your lethargy makes you a lair."
"No, I'm serous." Another yawn. "Night, Ulquiorra."
He had been surprised when she fell asleep with her head on his shoulder, but he hadn't moved. He found he didn't actually mind too much, to his surprise. He only wished that he could have kept her awake longer. She was just so fragile looking while she slept, he couldn't help but fear for her. What would happen when her friends came for her? He certainly wouldn't let her go. Would they end up breaking her in two?
In the morning, he had found the answer to that question first thing she had woken up. "I hope you do know that when your friends come, I will not let them take you. I will fulfill my duty to Lord Aizen."
"… But why?"
"It is not something I can explain to you."
"Can you at least try?"
"No."
"I didn't think so." She said with a sad smile. "But I had to ask anyway."
"You are not angry?"
"Why would I be?" She asked. "You're just doing your job."
"You once said you wished I would cease to preform it."
She smiled. "Yeah. Well, it's not like I can stop being kidnapped. You're just as stuck as I am."
He had been shocked, she could tell. But the surprise had melted away after a moment. "You have begun to understand."
"Yeah. I guess I have."
Everything had been so tense when they had come for her. She had to stop walking in the gardens with him, or getting out of her room at all. He didn't talk to her about what was going on outside her room anymore. And soon, they hardly talked at all; because when they did they both had two different things on their minds. She was worried for her friends. He was worried they would take her away.
He felt he had to remind her that she shouldn't feel anything because of the rescue party. She wasn't with them, he insisted. She was on his side. Her body and mind both belonged to his master. They were both the property of Aizen-sama. He acknowledged her strong spirit, and her power, and everything that she was. But in the end he was back to telling her that she was just another pawn, set up on the same board as he was. It didn't matter if she had once been a black piece- they had painted her white. She was on his side.
Things just got more and more awkward and heavy, until finally things just… snapped.
He had come at her with words sharp as a knife, his tone biting and overseeing. He had tersely explained that he thought her friends were a group of idiots, and had made it very clear that they would all be killed. Worst of all, he wouldn't feel anything about it. He built up a distorted image of the people she held so dear to her; in fact, he made a mockery of them. And then he tore down her friends and that image, saying no matter who or what they were they would be annihilated and that was that.
She hadn't done much harm in her life. She had never been a violent person; she had never had to be. But in that moment she just couldn't stand him. The bitterness and everything unsaid between them was brewing hot and choking up the air, suffocating them both like a hot and thick sticky sea.
She had felt great wells of tears start to roll down her face. Her body was heaving with a heavy breath, her heart hammering away inside of her chest. She felt sick, like she was about to vomit all over the floor. She was trembling, her lips slightly parted as breath rushed from her lungs and out her mouth, only to be pulled back in the instant it was gone.
And she had hit him.
He had been so surprised. She had never actually seen him shocked. The expression he wore was the most emotional one she had ever seen him make.
He turned his head back to her, finally making eye contact.
Yes, he had looked at her before, but only over her body- only at the flesh of her eyes and the glassy reflection of himself there. He turned to really look at her, and to lock eyes with her.
For a second the air had been lightened. They had just looked at each other, Orihime's hand slowly lowering, and both of them tried to unweave the other's gaze. They both had the same purpose for the first time in a long time- the same goal for a single instant.
What are you thinking?
And then, slowly, they both understood. Orihime dropped her hand from where it hung in the air. Ulquiorra turned his head back to stare strait ahead. They had finally cleared most of what hung in the air.
She had seen all she was looking for- a reason for his cruelty. He had been reluctant to give it to her, because then everything would change again. She could tell he didn't really like too much change around things he had finally gotten comfortable with.
He was hurt. Not so much so that he was actually sad. He had simply felt agitated that after everything they had said and done, she still went back to being the captured princess in the tower the second her knight in shinning armor ad stormed in. So he had backed away. He was trying to become his old self to cope with her old self. She was just as responsible for his cruelty as he was.
He turned, suddenly, walking away. "I will return shortly." He glanced away from her, looking at the platter of food that had been the actual reason for his visit in the first place. "If I return to see you have not eaten everything, woman, I will shove it down your throat."
She didn't say anything, waiting until he left.
Then she sunk to the floor, wrapping her arms around herself. She was shaking again, tears forcing their way from her eyes and down her cheeks, dripping off her chin.
She wasn't sad for what they had reverted to.
She was crying because of the things they had left unsaid.
Because he didn't want her to be a princess waiting in her tower for her knight in shining armor. He had thought she was the kind of princess that could fall for the dragon.
But Orihime couldn't do that, because the dragon had orders to kill her white knight. She only hoped that she could escape and run before anything could happen, before… before the final battle came.
In the fairy tails, the prince and the dragon don't both walk away from the fight once it began. One of the forces had to end it.
She finds that once things happen, they happen fast. One minute she's dealing with the envois Menoly and Loly, and they're pulling at her hair and hitting her and ripping up her dress. Then she's suddenly been whisked away; in the hands of a madman with shocking blue hair and a never failing smile.
Then she sees what her dragon has done.
Ichigo has a hole punched through his chest. He's lying in a pool of his own blood, his eyes open wide and lifeless.
"Can you heal him?"
She knows she can, so she nods and gets to work. She doesn't tremble and cry; she doesn't scream his name. She's been made stronger- she didn't need to shake and whimper. She would heal him and then trust he could do the rest. She didn't know why it felt like she was a different person, standing there with her healing powers floating around Ichigo. She just knew that the person she had been made to become was stronger.
Things speed up again. Ichigo is fighting Grimmjow, and she'd terrified of him. No, not of the espada Ichigo is fighting. She's afraid of Ichigo himself. She looks into his eyes and finds that she can only think of the monster her brother was forced to turn into all those years ago- when he had bitten into her flesh and wanted to kill her. She doesn't see her knight in those eyes.
She began to wonder who he was if he wasn't her savoir. And then she wonders why she ever thought of him as a knight in the first place. A knight comes leading in his Calvary to save a princess, but he doesn't stay to fight the bad guys. A knight would have charge strait to her castle tower and swept her away while his troops fought off the enemy.
Yet, the only one he seems interested in dropping everything for and saving is Rukia, who he doubled back for earlier when the woman's spiritual pressure had suddenly dropped. He didn't stay to fight anyone while Rukia was down. But he didn't mind taking on enemies while she was locked away in her tower.
She dropped the comparison then, pushing all thoughts of knights and dragons from her mind when the child Ichigo had traveled with began to yell at her. Orihime took the girl's advise and yelled for Ichigo to not die.
She didn't say good luck or anything like that. A simple, "Don't die, Ichigo!"
She realized as soon as she said it that she had been really adjusted to Ulquiorra after all. He wouldn't have appreciated a good luck. A strong warrior doesn't need luck. She would show her concern by telling him not to die. And even if that was foolish, it was better than any expression she might have said in the past.
Orihime blushes and stutters about her weight when Ichgio picks her up. For a second she thinks that maybe she should reinstate her knight in shining armor title, but then he slings her over his shoulder and she eats her words. She's silently bitter when she finally realizes that he's just hefting her around like a fragile little girl. Like the good friend that she is, only helpless.
She wonders why Ulquiorra seems to be the only one who treats her like she's not a child when he's the only one to have called her one.
Suddenly Nnoitora is there. His hands taste dirty when he shoves his fingers into her mouth. His grip is bruising around her sides and he holds her, his person reeking of sweat and blood even though he looks like he hasn't been in a battle recently. She's scared, and she's wondering what's going on, why Ichigo isn't yelling for her to be released and fighting his hardest to get to her. He's angry that Nnoitora has hurt Grimmjow, and that he had Orihime, but he didn't seem panicked about the way the fifth gripped Orihime and whispered a harsh and suggestive "Pet-Sama," into her ear.
Help comes in the form of Kenpachi Zaraki- a man she had thought to be the last rescue party candidate in all of the thirteen court guard squads. And then there is more fighting and blood, a battle that she keeps going by healing the contestants.
She's going to implode, because this isn't how it was supposed to be, and she's realizing that Ichigo doesn't love her, and she's been kidnapped and beat up, and… Everything is just not right.
But just when she thinks she's going to fall to pieces Starrk grabs her and takes her away. He leaves her alone the moment his job is done, setting her in the throne room of Los Noches before Ulquiorra.
She's back in her castle, and her dragon is looking at her through narrow eyes as he curls upon his throne.
His throne. Her castle.
Why is everything in her mind such a mess?
Her dragon.
They are both trapped between the people they were and the people they had become before everything fell to pieces. She's not afraid of him, but she can't say that she's easy ether. She didn't walk over to him with a smile to talk, like she had come to. He was the same way, though, standing there with a scowl. He was caught between looking at her like she was trash as he had in the beginning and just waiting for her to engage him like he had been. He didn't walk over to her with a greeting, like he had come to.
Before she knows what's happening they're both talking again. They can't help it- they are moths on fire. They'll both be burned to bits, and they know it, but they can't help but try to come to the other.
"Are you afraid, woman?"
She wonders why he asks her. He's never cared before. Still, though, her answer comes easily and without hesitation. "No."
He's baffled by her answer. Orihime explains that it's because of her heart that she's not afraid- even if she were to die, she would leave her heart with her friends. Besides that, they wouldn't give up.
Her paint was chipping.
"You humans are always talking about hearts." He had been disappointed in her, but this was no surprise. Even before things had gone bad they could never seem to agree on the matters of the heart. She had the feeling they were destined to be locked in the never ending tug of war that was their argument over the heart. He believed in the idea of being nothing, and she believed in the idea of being everything.
He didn't have anything more to cover her piece in.
"It's as if you have them in your hand. But my eye sees everything. Nothing can escape it. What it doesn't see doesn't exist." He wasn't talking metaphorically. His eyes were like none she had ever seen- they were what had drawn her to him in the beginning. It was just her luck that they would also be as terrifying as they were beautiful. She didn't have to see for herself to know that it was true- she had heard the whispers about how the man could remove his own eyes. It would grow back without too much of a time's difference, but it was still chilling to know he would scope out his own eyeball simply because he was told to. That was how they had come to be as they were, after all. He had crushed his own eye and shown Aizen the power that he saw in her.
He tried to put the chips of white paint back onto her,
"That's how I've always fought. That's how I've always lived." She could tell he was frustrated, and getting more so by the moment. She confused him, and that made him frustrated. He wanted her to see things his way because he had lived his entire life going by what he thought. And he wanted her to be like him, so that he could live on. He had tore her down and re-built her stronger, but he was certain he was already as strong as he could become. He didn't want to be rebuilt.
He covered her completely in the white.
"What is a heart?" He finally came right out with it. But how was she supposed to answer that? What was a heart, a soul? It wasn't something she could explain to him using logic- it was something more than that.
But paint was just paint. She wouldn't ever really be one of them.
He was just dying to go back to the way things were. Back to when nether of them cared very much for the other; back to the time when they had been unaffected by the other.
He tried to be morbid, scary. He was being himself, but as intense as he could be. She would be lying if she didn't say that she was unaffected by his actions.
He lifted a single hand up, holding it out, his index finger pointing forward. He touched her chest, his finger barely brushing over her. He was gentle with his touch, and malicious with his voice. "If I rip open your chest, will I find it there?"
He moved his hand up, placing it on her forehead. "If I crack open your skull, will I find it there?"
But she cannot answer his question, because he is the very embodiment of emptiness. And how does one look into an eternal darkness, without light, without touch or sound, and convince that darkness that light exists?
He was about to press further when Ichigo bursts in, yelling for the former to get away from her.
Ulquiorra was calm, stepping in front of her almost like a shield, and drew his sword. He left himself open to her; she could have struck him from behind. She didn't, though; in fact the thought never even crossed her mind.
He tells Ichigo that he will not hurt Orihime, it is not under his orders. She is one of them- she belongs to Aizen. Ichigo, on the other hand… is a threat. When he says it, his words tell that Ichigo is a threat to Hueco Mundo. But Ulquiorra's eyes shift to look at her for just a moment, and she can't help but wonder if he really means everything he says so literally.
When she protected Ichigo he had looked angry. Like he had thought she would at least stay out of the way. He stared at her for a moment with a gaze that told her he would abandon her.
And yet, when Ichigo throws an attack and it's heading for Orihime, Ulquiorra goes out of his way to stop it. Loly and Menoly are with her, and when Menoly voices that she thinks he saved her, Ulquiorra corrects her.
He didn't do it to save Meonly and Loly.
He glances back at her throughout the whole battle.
Before Menoly and Loly can do anything Yammy comes barreling in, ready to kill. He turned towards Orihime just as soon as the arrancar girls are out of the way, ready to strike her, too, and then Ishida appeared to save her.
Looking back on it, she wondered why she didn't give the quincy more thought. He was an amazing person, protective of her. Really, though, while her heart was strong it was just as foolish as any girl's.
Uryuu protects her as the battle gets more and more out of hand, though the both of them struggled to stand under all the spiritual pressure building up.
Ulquiorra notices, and suddenly is adamant to get away. He lures Ichigo up to the roof, where she can't follow.
She's not sure if he really is following orders, if he wants to protect her, if he thinks she would interfere, or if maybe he just doesn't want her to see both himself and Ichigo tear each other to pieces.
She finally made it to the roof.
When she arrives, he's become some sort of creature unlike one she had ever seen. He's got a tail wrapped around Ichigo's throat. He's going to kill Ichigo, she realizes. He's going to crush Ichigo into dust.
Ulquiorra fires a cero at point blank before her eyes, burning a whole through the orange haired boy's chest.
For a second she can't move. Ichigo is dead. Ulquiorra really had killed Ichigo. She can't even begin to take it all in at that moment, struggling to breath.
She ran to Ichigo, her long time friend, ready to heal him. She could bring him back. She could make things alright again if only-
"It's pointless." Ulquiorra is before her, his wings stretched out in front of her path, blocking the way. He knew she would try to run to Ichigo. He's got the right to shoot her down then and there; in fact, he probably was under orders to kill her for being a traitor. By healing Ichigo and any others she was a direct threat to Los Noches anyway.
But he didn't raise a finger against her.
She's grateful for this, and realizes in the back of her mind that he's actually stepping outside of his usual self by letting her be. She looks into his eyes and sees that he's buried her betrayal deep away, and that he could actually probably move on without a hitch and go back to being the way he had been before her.
They had a vivid history and heart of their own in that moment, hanging in the balance.
But it wasn't worth her friend's life, was it?
The moment is shattered, and she's running to Ichigo again while Ishida distracts Ulquiorra. She knows the truth; Ulquiorra doesn't have to even glance at Uyruu's attacks. He's letting her go, because he knows that there is nothing she can do to bring Ichigo back.
Her healing powers aren't working.
He really was dead, she thought. And there was nothing she could do about it.
She finally broke down, falling into hysterics. It was all her fault. All her fault. All her fault.
The guilt and the pain all welled up inside her beings to overflow, until she's choking on her own sobs and going crazy with her own grief. She's about to tip over the edge, all it would take is a little push.
And Ulquiorra's never been one to go easy on anyone. He's never shown mercy. Never had he been one to pull his hand back and not deliver a push if the one standing there was in his way.
Uryuu flies past her, his blood arcing in the air, and she's horrified to see that his hand is gone.
She's put her shield up in a panic, shielding them all. She started to scream, her tears blinding her, as she's finally lost it.
"Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!" But Ichigo doesn't stir; he's dead. "HELP ME!"
Everything changes all at once.
Ichigo is up and he's not Ichigo anymore. And they're fighting and Ichigo is winning. And he's merciless and cruel and he's slashing Ulquiorra to bits- ribbing him apart without flinching.
He doesn't even look like Ichigo anymore.
He looks like a dragon dressed in black robes, and for a moment she can't help but think to the man who had protected her all of her stay in Hueco Mundo was the one who wore white as her thoughts of kinghts and castles come back. And for a moment Ichigo's the dragon and Ulquiorra's the real white knight.
Because she's utterly terrified of Ichigo, and she wasn't nor ever would be afraid of Ulquiorra.
But Ulquiorra's the one dying now- he said so himself. He doesn't have the strength left to walk.
"Ichigo, that's enough! You've won!" Uyruu steps forward, and grabs this new Ichigo's wrist. And all she can do is watch with wide eyes as Ichigo stabs his blade through the quincy's stomach, a scream bubbling up in her throat.
"I… Will… HELP!"
She's the one who's done this. She's killed everyone around her. Ichigo is dead- turned into a hollow monster. Uryuu is dying in a pool of his own blood beside her. And before her Ulquiorra is fading fast.
It's all her fault.
She screams for him to stop, standing in front of Uryuu. Ichigo doesn't hear her, though. He's charging up a giant red cero, about to blast them both to bits.
She is amazed when Ulquiorra uses the last bit of his power to throw one last lance, cutting off one of Ichigo's horns and causing his cero to blow up in his face. The explosion shatter's Ichigo's mask. He falls to the ground, the real Ichigo again.
Ulquiorra looks so surprised when she runs to Ichigo. It's clear he still doesn't understand the workings of the heart.
She doesn't even have to heal Ichigo- he does it all himself somehow.
Ichigo doesn't realize what he's done.
That doesn't change anything.
Orihime watches in pain as the outsides of Ulquiorra's wings suddenly break, dust forming from them, as he slowly begins to fade and decompose.
He's talking to Ichigo, telling him to finish it off while she's lost in her own heart ach. Ichigo replies in a matter that's to be expected of him, but still manages to surprise Ulquiorra when he refuses.
Then, suddenly, it's like it's just Orihime and Ulquiorra.
"And here, I was finally beginning to take an interest in all of you." His eyes rake in Orihime's image like a starving man breathing in food for what he knows will be the last time.
She finds that she's searching his eyes in the same way.
She's calm. She's not going into hysterics. It's because the person he built her into hasn't died yet- she's still strong standing in front of him. Real tears are coursing silently down her face.
He looks at her with the shadow of a smile. "I see now. Yes. This thing in my hand is the heart."
Just like she showed that she had listened to him and became a stronger person, he proves that he had been listening to her all along. He reaches out to her, with his heart, just as she had said she would to a friend where she dying.
He's giving her his heart.
She reaches out for him, thinking that maybe it's not to late. That maybe this can all be put back into order and that she can take his heart into her hand, and warm it; let it bloom. That maybe he can be the piece on the board that changes color; that maybe they can both chip away their white paint and run from Aizen's grasp and over to the other side of the board.
Her fingers clasp only ashes. She panics silently, grasping for him again. He still reaches for her with what's left of his arm, his eyes full of silent messages. He's glad that he was able to give her his heart. He's glad that he finally found it. And he's so, so sorry that he's leaving her. He doesn't want to. He wants to stay with her.
There is a lot of love in his gaze, but it's mixed with a lot of pain, too.
"Are you afraid, woman?"
"No, I'm not."
And there is the real smile, small at it is, just as he fades away. "I see."
And then he really is gone. Ashes in the wind.
Orihime breaks down into tears, turning away because Uryuu is gasping for breath. She heals him, still sobbing, and before she even has time to think she's being whisked away as her rescuers try to get her away from the dome. She's too numb to understand what exactly is happening. Once they're all gathered, Ichigo says his goodbye as he runs off to defeat Aizen.
As soon as he's gone, everything comes rushing to her like a slap to the face.
Rukia can tell, as she turns towards Orihime, that something is wrong. "Orhime?"
The girl doesn't say a word. She just turns and runs.
"Orihime!"
She went as fast as she could, leaping over pieces of the broken palace walls, flying up stairs and through the halls, until finally she's able to get herself up to the roof again, rocks crumbling behind her and cutting of the way to everyone else.
She's breathing hard and fast, and gasping as tears roll down her face.
She scrambles to where there is a pile of ashes right in front of where she stood. She can't call her powers forth fast enough.
And then he's there again, standing before her looking confused.
Her powers returned to her hairpins, silent. She pressed her hands to her mouth, tears welling up in her eyes again. "I'm back." She breathes through her fingers. "I'm back."
He looks uncertain, but takes a step forward. Without a word he lifts his hand to the side of her face, running his fingers gently through her hair. "You are covered in blood." He murmurs.
"I know." She drops her hands from her face suddenly, launching herself at Ulquiorra. She wraps her arms around his neck, pressing her face into his chest. "Please don't do that again." She begs. "Please don't leave… please don't…"
For a second he doesn't move, but slowly he takes a moment to wrap his arms around her. "You brought me back." He looks down at her, seeing she is now facing him. "Why?"
She gives him a watery smile. "I have something that belongs to you." She says, untwining one of her arms from around his neck to press her hand to his face. They both know she is talking about his heart.
She expects him to thank her and then be off into the night sky.
"It belongs to you." He says instead.
Her breath stops for a moment. Her heart is racing, her face flushed, her body lightly trembling. She looks at his lips, so close to her own, and then stands on her tiptoes.
When there lips meet his eyes are wider than the time she slapped him. He's motionless for a moment, standing there with Orihime kissing him, his arms around her waist. Then instinct kicks in, and he's leaning down into her face to return her passion.
She's pressed her hands to the side of her face, tears streaming down her's. "Don't leave me." She whispers between kisses. "I want you to stay."
She's never kissed anyone before, but has heard about it from her friends. She finds it's as easy and natural as some of them had said; only burning and hazy. She licks his bottom lip, and he's quick to return the favor, the kisses escalating as they hold onto each other tighter and tighter. It's like they're trying to consume each other before the endless desert can, biting and pulling and exploring. She's burning up in flames, and she finds that she likes it.
"I love you."
He stops when she says it, and for a second she thinks he's disgusted by her declaration. She looks up to him to see if he is, if she should leave because he doesn't return her feelings, but finds he just looks horrified. Not by her words, no. He's staring right through her.
Orihime pulls back and feels her spirit drop right out of her body.
His wings are already gone, ash trailing behind him.
"No!" She reaches out for his hand, grabbing it, and then tries to pull him to her by his shoulder with her other hand. His shoulder bursts apart in an explosion of grey dust.
"Ulquiorra!" She lets go of his hand in her panic, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck, but his eyes are wide and all at once he's fallen apart.
"Orihime." For the first time he says her name, and it's as he's turning to dust.
"NO!" She takes a step back and puts her hands up, her fairies flyinf around her and putting up a dome around Ulquiorra. He slowly starts to fly back together, but his eyes are wide and he looks like it's taking everything he has just to stay together.
"Stop, woman."
"You'll die!"
His eyes are calm and almost sad. "I know."
"You can't-"
"You have restored all that you can, but there are times when no force in the world can restore something, Onna." He lifts a hand and presses it against her glowing yellow shield. "My eternal organs can't be recovered with the amount of reatsu that's been imbedded into me. Stop."
"I won't let you die."
"I'm already dead."
"Please, no, I can't just-"
"Lower your shields."
CRACK!
Orihime whips around to see her friends have finally caught up with her. "Orihime!" They're running for her, looking like they had expected to only find her dead body.
"Orihime." Ishida is in front of her, eyes wide. "What are you-"
She ignores him, concentraiting on her Shun Shun Rika as they collect the dust rolling off of Ulquiorra and build it up one more. She notices as it's happening that her powers are failing; slowly just like they had when Ichigo got a hole punched through his chest.
Ulquiorra hadn't lied. The reatsu flowing around Ulquiorra's body is red and black unlike the green and black that had flared from Ichigo's injuries, but it's doing the same thing. She can't reject it.
"Orihime, stop!" They all grab her, pulling her back by her arms, but she digs in her heals, her jaw clenched in determination. She's learned a thing or two in Los Noches. They won't take her away without a fight.
Ulquiorra is stern, letting his hand fall from the shield. "Let her go."
Uryuu glares and asks, "Or what?!" but Ulquiorra just lifts a hand and forms a small cero there.
They all let her go, knowing that the thing can blast through Orihime's shields like a bullet strait through glass. Orihime stumbled forward a step, pressing her hand against his with only the glow of gold between them. She's searching his eyes, looking for something there that can help her, but all she finds is a quiet resignation. She shakes her head slowly, knowing what that looks means.
"Please, no."
"Drop the shields, woman."
She presses her forehead to the barrier between them, her eyes shut tight. "I can't. I-"
He stops her. "You can." He leans his head against the healing shield, too, and goes on as soon as she opens her eyes to meet his. Everyone else watches as he gives her one last speech with a stern from. "You have become strong enough to let go of anything, just as I have grown strong enough to grasp something. You as well as I have been preparing from the very beginning for this moment, woman, do not pretend it is not true. We both knew that one of us wasn't coming out of this alive. Be thankful it was I who was chosen to perish. Now hold your head high, cease your incoherent babbling, and give me one last set of human words to finalize things."
Slowly she closes her eyes. And nods. She takes a step back and a deep, deep breath, and tells her shields to come back to her. Without anything between them she takes a single step forward, locks her arms around his body for the last time, looks up at him, and smiles.
"Goodbye," She's smiling brightly, her eyes shut, tears still falling down her face, "Ulquiorra."
He nods once. "Goodbye."
"I'll miss you."
"Even in the end," He brushes his hand over her cheek. "You confuse me."
She opens her eyes to reply, but there's no one there. "I love you." She says anyway. The wind whispers over her face, ashes stirring with it, and for a moment she swear she felt him press his lips to her forehead. She doesn't try to bring him back this time, though. It really is over.
~)o0o(~
Orihime sucks in a breath of air, wiping her face off. She knows she's gone back to her old self, crying and blubbering like a baby. She's not strong enough not to any more, and she just can't hold it in.
Tatsuki doesn't say anything for a long, long time. Then, finally, she does speak. "You have every right to cry." She mumbles, as if reading Orihime's mind.
"But it's so week of me." She slurs through her gross sobbing.
"No, it's not." Tatsuki is looking far away. "You waited until he couldn't see anymore, Orihime. That's as strong as it gets."
This makes Orihime cry even harder, though she's silent now. To her, the tears slipping over her face feel soft.
Soft, like the brush of ash.
She lay down her head on the arm of the couch, scooting away from Tatsuki a little bit. She props her feet up on the other side of the sofa, her legs draped over her best friend's lap. She closes her eyes, still shaking with her crying, and tries to just forget it every happened. But she feels like she's back in Hueco Mundo, in the very beginning when all she wanted to do was sleep.
She remembers how she became so sickly and thin, and thinks about how back then she thought it would make Ichigo upset.
She doesn't want to sleep now or it will be like back then, and this time she knows that it's Ulquiorra who will be upset if she were to begin wasting away.
It's been so, so long since she last slept.
If she were to close her eyes, she might never open them again. If she were to keep them open, she might never close them.
Just like her days of Hueco Mundo, she's doomed to nights that last for eternities and days that will never end.
But she doesn't mind so much, she supposes, as finally she stops crying. It makes her feel strong like she used to be.
It makes her feel closer to him.
.
I'm saying this is done for now, but I may add on to it later. I hope everyone enjoyed. I do realize there is a constant change of tense, and I might one day fix it, but I actually kind of like it that way for now. Also, I'm looking for a beta, so this may have a bunch of errors in it...
For now I'm putting this down as complete, but I might some day add onto it.
Thanks for reading!
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Word Count: 10855 Pages: 21