This is my first fic so be nice! I just had this in my head and had to get it out. Let me know if you think it's worth continuing. It's starts off T, but if it continues it will get to M. No beta so all potential mistakes are my own. Thanksss.
I realised something a while ago. Jesus, understatement of the century.
It hit my harder than the truck that ploughed into the side of my car ever could.
I am in love with Rachel Berry,
And suddenly, everything made sense.
You know, it wasn't even the being gay that got to me. Sure, it's not like I was overjoyed or that it was easy. I honestly look forward to the day where something like that can be easy. But I was never against gay people. I knew Santana and Brittany had been hooking up since I met them and they're my best friends. Kurt, although I'd once seen him as a complete loser was now part of my family, everyone in Glee Club was. Plus, Jesus never said anything about being gay, what He did preach was love and I never thought that loving someone of the same gender or sex or whatever was wrong.
And really, the lesbian thing, it wasn't that much of a shock. I didn't feel anything with boys. Well, that's a lie, I felt things, but I never particularly enjoyed my make-out sessions with boyfriends and I definitely didn't enjoy sex with Puck. It's not like I wasn't attracted to them emotionally. I liked what they could give me. The status was a huge part of it for a very long time. But I also enjoyed the comfort. In the end though I would much rather check out the Cheerios than the football players. Although there was that time that Rachel put on a football uniform… But I digress.
So there were hints, very not so subtle hints, about my sexuality, but it didn't matter before. Because before I had goals and those goals did not line up with being a lesbian. And still, when I realised everything, it was the Rachel Berry part of the equation that hit me like a ton of bricks. Made of metal. And covered with little gold stars. Of course.
The day it happened was an eventful one. I was in such a bad place emotionally. I felt like I had truly lost everything and had one goal. Get Beth back. I wouldn't let anyone or anything stand in my way. Because I was a complete failure. Nobody wanted me, nobody loved me. Even that little comfort I got from feeling loved by Finn was gone. I wasn't popular. I wasn't Prom Queen. I had no future. There was one thing, one thing, I had ever done in my life that was perfect and that was Beth. So I didn't care about anyone else's feelings. I just wanted her so that I didn't have absolutely nothing. I was so blind and Rachel was there to help me see. Like she had always been there without me even realising it. There to tell me that I was making a mistake. To tell me that I'm worth more. To… be there for me.
"I know everyone expects us to be enemies and be in competition, but I don't hate you."
"I'm sorry you're so sad, Quinn, and maybe you're not going to believe me because we were never really close but I'm sad not seeing you in the choir room and we've all been through so much together, we're a family, and this is our year to get it right. We would love to have you back in the Glee club, whenever you're ready, okay?"
"You have nothing to be scared of. You are a very pretty girl, Quinn. Prettiest girl I've ever met, but you are a lot more than that."
And at Sectionals Rachel stopped me in the hallway. She told me I was making a mistake. And as much as I didn't want to listen because it felt way too hard, I was forced to see what I had become. And that was thanks to Rachel. That moment that I thanked her for stopping me I was also thanking her for actually being there for me so that I could feel like somebody cared. She had always cared. And still, when she asked if we were friends, and I replied with a noncommittal kind of, I had a lot of things on my mind. That wasn't the moment I realised. I went through the rest of the day. I got my friends back from the Troubletones and brought Glee Club back together. We all sang We Are Young and I had never felt more free in my entire life. I got home and started looking more into Yale. I had a future. Things were actually looking up. I turned off my light and got under the covers ready for a peaceful night of sleep.
And then bam, it hit me.
That feeling I had in the pit of my stomach that I misread for hate upon first seeing one Rachel Berry in her stupid animal sweater was something else entirely. Every single insult. Every laugh at a slushy thrown in her face. The reason I couldn't stand the thought of Finn cheating on me with Rachel and only Rachel. God, the pornographic drawings in the bathroom… How was it that no one realised? How was it that I was able to push down my feelings for so long? When, ever since the moment I realised it, I have loved her so fiercely that it hurts. Santana described it to me once in a rare moment of her being real. You look back on everything you ever did and you see all the gay. In my case I looked back and saw all the Rachel along with all the gay.
But just like with an earthquake the aftershocks of realisation came quickly after the initial impact.
Rachel is in love with Finn Hudson.
I could almost cry out in frustration. How stupid it seemed now that I spent all this time fighting with Rachel for Finn when I wanted Rachel all along. And now cruel, cruel fate made Finn Hudson my rival. But he couldn't be my rival because I would not fight for Rachel. My life was finally on track and I didn't need to come out right now. I could do it in Yale. One of the most lesbian friendly colleges in the US. And I really did not need to deal with this whole Rachel thing. She was with Finn and after all I'd ever done to her I was lucky if I could even be her friend. So I vowed to be there for her as a friend because I never was despite all her attempts and she deserved at least that.
I got into Yale.
The first person I thought of was Rachel. I wanted to tell Rachel.
But she blindsided me. I was trying to be her friend, but, and pardon my language, she was not making it fucking easy. She was going to marry Finn. She was in high school still. I could deal with her being with him, but marrying him and giving up all her dreams I could just not handle. She was destined to be great and she did not need that giant anchor dragging down her star. Jesus Christ, I had actually turned into this sappy person. This is what Rachel Berry did to me and I was still getting used to that. I would do anything for her and damn that was a scary thought. I tried so hard to make her see that it was a mistake to marry Finn because she helped me to see when I was making a monumental mistake.
It didn't work.
I sang a song for her and it didn't work!
That stubborn, loud-mouthed, frustrating, infuriating, adorable, talented, amazing girl! Okay, I'm off track again. The point being that I tried so hard to help and all she did was get angry with me and uninvited me to the wedding.
I pushed and I pushed. And I'm not going to lie, part of me was doing it because I was so afraid that I was going to lose her forever to that oaf. Part of me thought that maybe one day… when we were both out of this town… I could at least give it a go, but now all chances were going to be shot to hell. That selfish part of me was deep down though and I wanted so badly to just help her see why this was a horrible decision for herself.
She sang Here's to Us. And she looked at him. I wanted it for me. I wanted every song to be for me.
I tried, maybe just to see, if there was any chance.
You sang that song for Finn- and only Finn… right?
I thought she would see right through me, but she didn't thank God. The slight nod of her head broke my heart, but I knew that I would be there for her at this stupid wedding if it would be what made her happy.
Like I said, I would do anything for her. Her happiness meant the world to me.
And yeah, my heart would be broken, but I had other things to focus on. I was going to be on the Cheerios again for my senior year, I would have another National Championship doing something I loved, and hopefully one for my other love, Glee Club, as well. I had been accepted to Yale. Things were going pretty well for me.
And that's when the truck hit me.
This time a real one, not a metaphorical one. Here I was giving up my love and going to the wedding and actual BAM. Sometimes my fucking bad luck even surprises me.
So I'm lying here in a hospital bed thinking of everything that brought me to this point in my life. I feel like shit. But I'm actually lucky to be alive. Several of the bones in my body are broken and I'll definitely have to be in a wheel chair for a while, but I'm alive. I can hear the constant beep beep beep from my heart monitor and I know every beat is a blessing.
The accident though, it changes everything.
Because what the hell am I supposed to do now. Things like this make you realise that life is not guaranteed and I've been lying here for God knows how long thinking about Rachel and I don't know if I can go along with my original plan.
I slowly open my eyes and try not to move after the shock of seeing a small form curled up in a chair next to my bed. It's Rachel. Her head is slightly drooped to the side and a tiny bit of drool is hanging from the corner of her mouth. I can hear the faint sound of her deep breathing, not quite a snore, but not entirely quiet either. God, she looks adorable. I wonder how long she's been hear. I can't help but just stare. She is so breathtakingly beautiful it still stuns me every time I look at her. And you know she's one of those people who just can't see all the beauty that she has.
Just when I start to drift off into some daydream where she's sleeping in the bed with me, but it's not a hospital bed it's my bed, and I've got my arm gently draped over her body that is curled up into my front and she wakes up to—wait! She actually woke up! Shit, she caught me staring, but she doesn't seem to mind because her face is expressing worry mixed with happiness and then she starts talking.
"Quinn… You're awake! I'm so sorry for what I did. I should have never rushed you and I definitely shouldn't have been texting while I knew you were driving and I should have trusted that you were coming but I was being rushed too but that's no excuse and I'm just so sorry can you ever forgive me please I—"
"Rachel please. Don't talk so much."
Rachel quickly closed her mouth and, if possible, looked even more guilty that before.
"No, no, Rach. I'm not mad at you. I just can't really handle talkative Rachel Berry right now. I feel like everything everywhere hurts. But please know that I don't blame you."
"But I—"
"I forgive you. If that's what will make you feel better. I forgive you. Look I'm alive so don't feel guilty."
"Okay, but I don't just give up that easily," she said with a small smile beginning to form on her lips. "At least let me sing you something."
"I'd love that." How could I resist. There's pretty much nothing else right now that would make me feel better than hearing her sing. I have never heard anything more beautiful and spectacular as Rachel Berry singing. "Wait. Did you get married?" I spluttered out before she began her song.
"Well no, I couldn't get married without you there. And then we found out you had been in an accident and I've been here ever since. But we can talk about that later. It doesn't really matter right now."
I stared a bit incredulously at her as she started singing.
It hasn't been that long
Since we drank to the sunset until it was gone
And down with it went our pain and fear
As we slowly broke contact more and more with every beer
And we passed out in each other's arms
Both admitting we'd never felt better, never felt so warm
But awoke in each other's eyes
Without wearing a stitch of clothing
We were both deeply in disguise
And maybe I just set aside the fact
That you were broken hearted.
In my own special selfish way
And if I hadn't set aside the fact
That you were broken hearted
Hell knows where your heart would be today
Maybe with me
Why in the world is she singing this song to me? Am I dreaming? Did I actually die in the crash and this is heaven? Does she know? What does this mean? I really need to not read so much into this song, but the words are really getting to me. Despite my best effort my eyes are watering and a couple tears make their way down my face, but I quickly wipe them away and attempt to compose myself. What is she doing to me?
Now, everything is different. And as she sings to me I can't help but think it's more a matter of when I'm going to tell her she is and always has been the love of my life instead of if. This is going to be an interesting rest of the year.
It seems like it's been so long
Since we kissed through the darkness
Until it was dawn
Up with it came our pain and fear
That we'd already lost each other
We both knew that the end was near
Maybe I just set aside the fact
That you were broken hearted
In my own special selfish way
And if I hadn't set aside the fact
That you were broken hearted
Hell knows where your heart would be today
Maybe with me
Maybe with me
Maybe with me
Song used: Sorry About That by Alkaline Trio