Mass Epinephrine Effect

It was a little odd, but he'd never thought having his arm severed would hurt this much. It hurt a lot, in fact; like every muscle fiber in his shoulder being pulled and twisted by an unbelievable force. The pain of it burned through every nerve in his side, not just at his left shoulder, where the break had occurred.

He felt incredibly cold.

He was bleeding at a fair clip, already close to blacking out. He saw the world around him as a murky, watery blur, figures only distinguishable from one another by the color of their hardsuits. The dark frame directly above him had to be Garrus, but the two smudges carrying his legs were harder to make out. Thinking of anything but the pain and the cold was difficult as his brain sluggishly tried to recall who else had been in the Mako when they made first contact with the enemy.

Crippled by a blast from the Mako's main cannon, a dying geth colossus smashed into the compact vehicle, tearing through armor plating like cardboard and crushing the cockpit in seconds, trapping him and Tali inside. Frederick's clearest memory was of the incredible pressure he felt on his arm as it was squeezed in the vise grip of bulkhead and armature. He remembered screaming as the limb was torn from his shoulder, the delicate internal connections between the nerves, muscles, and tendons of his flesh ripping from their mechanical counterparts in his arm. Blood spurted as suddenly-opened veins disgorged their contents over everything, painting him and the ruined equipment around him a sickening red.

He could no longer remember how long ago that had happened. Time no longer made sense. It could have been as little as thirty seconds or as much as a year since Ashley and Garrus pulled him and Tali out of the wreckage. He wondered where he was, if Tali was okay.

Voices floated above him. He snatched for them, trying to latch onto the world he felt slipping away with each heartbeat as surely as the lifeblood pulsing from his ghastly wound.

"Keep his head up!"

"Hurry!"

"No time... get the doctor now!"

Abruptly, he felt himself set on a hard flat surface. A table, probably. He shivered from the cold. More voices.

"He's going into shock!"

Frederick tried to find his own voice, but managed only the faintest of whispers. He could barely gasp properly with all the pain he was in.

Once voice he heard clearly, the one voice he needed to hear above all others, and he held onto it longer than any of the others. "Hold on, John! Just hold on!" He couldn't feel it, but he knew someone was squeezing his hand; someone important enough to him to be using his real name. If only he could make himself squeeze back.

His world faded into a gray-black haze. The pain was gone, the voices were gone, except for the one last echo urging him to hold on. It reverberated back and forth off invisible walls long after everything else had melted away into silence and emptiness.

Then even that last voice was gone and Frederick was all alone.

Gray fog roiled, blue-white light flashed in his sight. Frederick tried shouting, but no sound issued from his throat. Maybe he was dead. But he didn't feel dead, and he was relatively sure that death was something he would recognize.

And then, the world began to coalesce once more, but not at all in the way he expected it.

It started as just a sound. A distinctive bar of musical notes catching his ear first brought him to attention. It was ticklingly familiar, and as his brain tried to recognize where he'd heard that tune, he started to notice other things. The blue-white flashes increased in frequency, but between them, he no longer saw the gray fog, but instead the distant impression of... something. He couldn't make it out yet beyond blurriness and the incessant flashing, so he waited until it came into fuller focus.

Frederick finally recognized the music, and he marveled that he should be hearing it here, now. The song had to be ancient; a classic rock anthem from an era that passionate fans still praised. As the tune continued, he first hummed and then started mouthing the words as he remembered them.

"Shoot to thrill, play to kill; I got my gun at the ready, gonna fire at will..."

As he went along with the song, the world was rushed into clarity and he could see where he was for the first time.

A golden beach stretched out before him, its pristine sand unmarred by weeds or rocks, crystal blue surf breaking in foamy white crests as they crashed into the shore at the high tide mark. Hardy Iron palms framed the outer fringes close to where he stood, their wide, multi-fingered fronds billowing in a gentle breeze that blew in gusts from the ocean. He couldn't tell where the music was coming from, but guessed there had to be a loudspeaker somewhere.

Frederick stared out at the ocean for a long minute, unaware of anything but himself, the tide, and AC/DC. He was a little startled when two blue girls - asari, he dimly realized - in scant red bikinis ran past him, giggling.

By the time Frederick caught himself staring after them, he realized that he was surrounded by them.

Dozens upon dozens of ravishingly gorgeous asari maidens, in swimwear of myriad styles that ranged from the reasonably modest to the downright indecent, were spread out over what seemed every square inch of space on the wide strip of sand running from the trees - which he saw were actually a good way's off - to well out into the waves. Laid out on beach towels, reposing on reclined beach chairs with romance novels, skipping amid the clutter of bodies as they played; they were positively everywhere. Frederick had to excuse himself past at least three or four every few feet just to move about, and had to take extra care not to step on any who lay - strapless - sunning themselves.

A few feverish minutes were spent navigating the sea of bodies, moving stiffly through the crowd until he came to a miraculous clear spot on the beach where he could survey the scene.

He recalled his earlier assessment. There had to be hundreds - if not thousands - of asari clustered on the beach. Blue skin of one shade or another - from the lightest aqua to the darkest chocolate blue and everything in between, including a few pastel violets - was brazenly flaunted by the crowd well off into the distance either way he looked.

The acutely uncomfortable sense of being the only male for miles was just starting to set in when the pervasive, unseen loudspeakers started on another old rock song.

"Spoilin' for a fight! Spoilin' for a fight! Spoilin' for a fight, yeah!"

This one Frederick knew a bit better, and he had gotten caught up in the beat and the lyrics, almost starting to relax a bit, when a body was suddenly thrust upon him.

A green-eyed asari girl with light teal skin and a yellow bikini barely concealing her voluminous breasts fell into his arms, apparently by accident. With a start, as her bare back pressed against him, Frederick realized that he was dressed for the beach. Gone was the armored hardsuit, in its place just a pair of dark blue swimming trunks. And his arm was right back where it was supposed to be, without even the scar where a synthetic limb had been bonded to his side four years ago.

He quickly let go of the girl, stepped away. It felt a little too reminiscent of getting rid of a hot potato, but the girl didn't seem to mind, giving him a giggle and shy smile as she dashed off to--rejoin her volleyball game?

Sure enough, there was a whole group of them frolicking about with a volleyball and net and everything, falling over each other as they scrambled, rolling in the sand, getting tangled...

Frederick's face heated and he turned to scrupulously examining the Iron palms. He was surprised by a sudden, good-natured clap on the shoulder.

"Shepard! Great to see you, glad you could make it!"

He froze. "Kaidan?" It was him, there was no doubt about it. That voice could not be mistaken.

Frederick shifted his gaze, to be sure, and it was. Dressed likewise in only a pair of bright orange swimming trunks, the L2 biotic looked a little more tanned than usual, but otherwise he seemed exactly like he'd always been.

Kaidan's european features were the picture of joviality; he was obviously having a great time. "Commander, how's it going?"

Frederick's head spun. "Kaidan? But--you're dead." He felt a little stupid saying it, since he'd promised to come back for him on Virmire. He knew it was Saren's fault for needlessly delaying him, but he still felt guilt over letting his comrade down.

Kaidan's festive attitude was not dampened by the news of his death. In fact, if anything, he was only amused. "Dead, you say?" He raised an eyebrow. "Now, now, do I look very dead?"

"No, I guess not." Frederick couldn't believe his eyes, but if his friend was going to be alive, he'd not argue with it.

"Come on, Commander. You look like you've had a rough time of it, let's get you something to drink," Kaidan suggested.

"You mean you've got a bar here, too?"

"Of course!" Kaidan laughed. "Wouldn't be a proper beach without one, now would it?" A grin spread across his face as he casually draped an arm over Frederick's shoulders, turned him toward the bikinied throng. Frederick stiffened when he realized all eyes were on him and Kaidan; dozens upon dozens of flirty eyes staring at him.

"Girls, this is Shepard," he announced. "He's my friend. Go on, say hi."

"Hi, Shepard!" answered a chorus of feminine voices. One in every three either blew him a kiss or twiddled her fingers teasingly at him.

"Now I have a feeling that Shepard is a little confused by all this," Kaidan went on. "So we're just going to have to make extra sure he feels welcome to our little party." Blue faces smiled and nodded knowingly. Kaidan continued grinning like an idiot. "So, who can help me show him around?"

Frederick had seen professional rugby defensemen make tackles that weren't as lightning fast as the asari who instantly swamped him and Kaidan. Maidens of every stripe, every color, and nearly every state of undress pressed in close, eager for as much body contact as possible. Competition was heated, and little bickers broke out among those in contention and the ones already attachjed either to him or Kaidan. Escaping them was impossible, they were simply everywhere.

By the time things had reached a state of equilibrium, Frederick and Kaidan were each surrounded by not one, not two, but three ravishingly gorgeous asari who cooed and giggled as they led them down the beach. It was impossible not to be touching at least one of them, and Frederick stoically made himself be grateful that their hands were all staying more or less where they were supposed to be.

Frederick stole a glance at Kaidan, who was being fed an olive by one of his companions who wore little more than a grass skirt and a few flowered wreaths. He shook his head.

Madness. The man was actually enjoying himself. Enjoying himself a bit too much.

"So, uh, how did I get here, exactly?" Frederick asked, trying mightily to ignore how much it tickled whenever one of the asari would run her fingers across his shoulders. Not quite succeeding.

"I can tell you how," Kaidan answered, "but first you have to tell me what was happening before you came here."

Good. A thought he could use to combat the sheer femininity besetting him on all sides. "You know me, K. Risking my life never gets old. It's straightforward. Plus, with so many geth still determined to have their war, it's also kind of mandatory."

"But you guys stopped Saren, right?"

"Yeah. But it sure didn't convince the geth to stop fighting. And after all, who should they attack? The Turian Hierarchy, the Asari Republics?" Frederick threw his hands up in frustration, startling his three valets. "No! The Skyllian Verge! Where else? Right now there's a geth beachhead on Ithaka, sitting just outside a city of five million people. I was hoping a surgical strike would soften it up a bit for the Marines, but things didn't exactly go as planned. There was a lot more heavy firepower than we were expecting."

Kaidan nodded thoughtfully, his expression sobering somewhat. "You're in what's called an out of body experience, Commander."

"Oh." Of course. He'd lost probably a quarter of his blood after having his arm torn off. He was in shock, unconscious, seeing what he wanted to see; none of this was really happening.

"Don't take it like that, Commander. If it makes you feel any better, Tali was just here a few minutes ago, but she left. I don't think you should worry about becoming a permanent resident."

That did provide some comfort. The bikinis were driving him insane--for the second time in his life. Frederick resisted the urge to slap away a wandering hand that wanted to go somewhere it shouldn't, instead gently guided to other places. "Oh no, don't get me wrong, it's still great to see you, K."

Kaidan's expression brightened once again. "Enjoy it while it lasts, right?"

Frederick couldn't help smiling. "Right."

The invisible loudspeakers had started blasting a new song, sending the refrain "Pour some sugar on me, oh in the name of love!" inescapably loud across the endless beach as Frederick and Kaidan arrived at the bar, shaded from the sun overhead by a wide roof of palm fronds. It was made entirely from bamboo and driftwood, as far as he could tell, except for the metal barstools and slick stone counter. Frederick caught a wave from the bartender, none other than the salarian STG commander, Captain Kirrahe, who was wearing a partially-unbuttoned khaki shirt and a wide-billed red cap that read Liverpool FC across the front.

There were few stools unoccupied by conversing and drinking asari, but Kaidan managed to find two empty spaces. Both their asari companions just sat contentedly on the counter--or in their laps.

Kirrahe approached Frederick, sliding a tray of skewered cheese cubes across the counter. "Commander, it's a pleasure to see you again."

"Likewise," he answered, shaking hands with the hardy salarian. He popped one of the cubes into his mouth and was pleased by the taste. Gouda. Smoked gouda, actually, with bacon. "Your guys did a good job; you can be proud of them."

Kirrahe nodded. "As can you of your own people, Commander. It was an honor to serve with you. Can I get you anything?"

An inviting aroma caught Frederick's nose. He leaned forward. "Is that coffee I smell?"

The salarian wrinkled his nose. "Yes, I believe it is. Lieutenant Alenko insisted on it, although I'm still not sure why. Shall I get you some?"

Frederick nodded. "That would be just great." He gave a start when one of the asari, who had dipped her fingers in a nearby glass of ice water, suddenly put a chilly hand on his neck and giggled. "Would you stop that, please?" he asked in annoyance, unable to suffer in silence any more. The three girls hovering about retreated back a little, but had obviously not lost interest in him yet.

The coffee was divine. Apparently, some asari agriculturalists had taken to growing their own varieties on a few worlds, but in his opinion, the coffees from Asia and Latin America would always rule. Kaidan had sprung for the good stuff.

Frederick took his time with the caffeinated goodness while Kaidan took large swigs from first one beer, then a second, then a third. It was a satisfying few minutes of silence, punctuated by brief moments of sheer panic when his guard slipped a little too much and nearly allowed a roaming hand somewhere he didn't want it. Thankfully, the coffee allowed him to ignore most of his extreme unease with his proximity to so many asari in so few clothes. He couldn't understand how Kaidan could enjoy it.

His friend's casualness reminded him of... well, David, actually. Instantly, Frederick winced at the comparison. It was unfair. Kaidan was single, unmarried, and he wasn't a father.

The same could not be said of David. He was a poor excuse for a father who'd been more preoccupied with keeping his hordes of girlfriends happy than paying any attention to his two children.

Of course, his mother hadn't been much better.

It was all some kind of perverse game to them, and neither cared what the other did, so long as they shared paychecks and the house on most days. It wasn't odd for their extramarital trysts to overlap so they might both be entertaining their affairs in different rooms of the same house. Both Frederick and Marie would sometimes be home at the time, their presence forgotten.

To David Frank Shepard and Esther Shaw Lee, family was an annoyance, an unfortunate side-effect of sex. Their marriage was almost meaningless.

Thank God for Marie.

Frederick swallowed the last of his coffee in one long gulp, wiped his lips with the back of a hand, and leveled a square look at his three adoring valets. "Would you girls please, like, go play, or something?" Two girls sighed in disappointment but only shrank back a little, while the third just grinned and pinched his nipple. "Now!" he barked. That had the desired effect, and all three quickly scurried off.

"Did you have to yell?" Kaidan asked, looking almost as hurt as the three asari.

Apologetically, Frederick gave a self-conscious shrug, hunching his shoulders and trying not to think. "I didn't mean to. I just--I have problems with this sort of thing. There's bad associations for me. This--" he swept his arm around to indicate the whole scene before him "--is what Marie always said was wrong with our parents." He gave Kaidan a sour look. "They weren't very good parents, okay. I was about eleven when Marie decided we were going to live with her best friend for a while. I don't think I saw that house from the inside ever again. Thank God for Marie. Best big sister in the world."

"Sounds like you had it tough."

Frederick nodded. "That's why I joined the Alliance and Marie's working for social services. Both of us grew up young."

Kaidan contemplatively swished his beer, then turned to his three blue companions and politely asked them to take a stroll along the beach. They left without complaint. He looked at Frederick. "A little better?"

"Thanks, yes."

A long awkward moment of silence followed. "Now what were we talking about?"

Frederick snorted. "I don't know, but I think that's enough about my problems. Why don't you tell me what you and Kirrahe have been doing."

"Well, after that bomb went off on Virmire, there wasn't really a whole lot left for us to do." He took a great gulp of his beer. "I mean, as inviting as haunting a smoking crater sounded, we decided to pass on that and take some time to chill out for a while, came here. How long've we been here, Kirrahe?"

The salarian shrugged. "Your guess would be as good as mine."

"Well, like I said, for a while. After all that fighting it feels good to just take a step back, relax, and enjoy Mexican beer twenty-four seven." He frowned. "Speaking of relaxing, I hope you've taken Williams to that Minnesota lake you were always talking about. You two belong together."

Frederick felt his ears going red. "I don't know what you're talking about," he grunted defensively.

Kaidan chuckled. "No, you probably do. And hey, it's okay. It's not like I can turn you in, or anything. Come on, Shepard, you're in love, and I think that's great. Now take her to Minnesota already. Heaven knows the Alliance owes you some downtime."

"I've already broken too many regulations where she's concerned, Alenko," Frederick growled, trying not to think of how inadequately that sentence summarized the situation. He hadn't merely broken regulations, but heedlessly smashed them into pieces. It was all he could do not to turn himself in. The only reason he didn't was the Williams family didn't need another black mark to its name, and if he went down, so would she.

"I don't know. Maybe after this geth thing is over, maybe when I know proof-positive that there will be no Reaper invasion; maybe, maybe, maybe." He shook his head. "It would never work, and besides, regulations will never permit it."

"'It would never work'?" Kaidan made a face. "That's a bunch of BS, and you know it. Honestly, Commander, I thought you were smarter than that. Or at least more original with your excuses."

Frederick scowled. He had a point. "Fine. Maybe it would work, but regulations will still say it's a no-no."

Kaidan solemnly drained the last of his beer, set the empty bottle on the counter, and calmly turned back to Frederick. The look on his face made him seem like the wisest person Frederick had ever met. He said only two words: "Screw regulations."

A spontaneous smile cracked Frederick's face. "Wow. You sounded just like her."

"I know," Kaidan grinned. "It's just what she'd say, right?"

"Probably."

And then the oddest thing happened; Frederick started laughing.

He started by just chuckling at Kaidan's advice, and himself. Then, when the enormity of his stupidity set in, it was like rolling a snowball down a hill and his laughter became uproarious, infecting Kaidan with his mirth. They clutched their sides and hooted with laughter. It was liberating to let severity slide for just a moment.

The stoic austerity he'd drummed into himself after years of putting up with his parents' casual, public infidelity had nearly turned him into an automaton, afraid of that basic human need; the need to love. The opportunity did not come around often, and here he had wanted to reject it for no more reason than his parents weren't poster children for the ideal. Military regulation was just a rationalization he used to hide from that fact.

Screw regulations indeed.

It took a few minutes for them to settle down. Frederick wiped tears of mirth from his eyes and stood, still grinning. "Well, I guess I'd better get back there, then. I wouldn't want our dear Chief to be cruelly seduced by Garrus."

Kaidan bellowed another laugh. "You crack me up, Commander."

"And it looks like you've got a party to get back to," Frederick observed. "I won't keep you any longer."

Kaidan stood and clasped hands with his former commanding officer, suddenly sober. "It's been a pleasure seeing you again, sir."

Frederick nodded. "Likewise, Alenko. It's been really great." His friend turned and started to leave. "Kaidan!" he called after him. Kaidan turned his tanned face and grinned back at him. "I guess I'll see you next life-threatening crisis?"

He waved with one hand and slipped his other arm around the waist of a beautiful asari girl. "Oh, I'll be here. See you then!"

There was still a smile on Frederick's face as he bid Kirrahe goodbye and turned, back to the gray fog. Blue-white light flashed like static, offering him a few last looks into Kaidan's world. He and his girl friend were in the blue surf now, and he gave one last wave with his free hand as Frederick watched. Then he was gone.

And Frederick was alone again.

This couldn't be happening. It was that simple; it couldn't be happening.

Sitting in stunned silence on an empty cot next to Shepard's, Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams watched his still body and tried to figure out how to wake up from a dream she knew wasn't a dream. It had been almost an hour since Shepard's heart stopped and Doctor Chakwas pronounced. He'd lost too much blood; they hadn't gotten him to help soon enough. He was dead.

It was funny. Ashley had always imagined that when someone as close to her as Commander Shepard died, she would feel something. Grief, bitterness, or maybe she would borrow a page from his book and suffer a mental breakdown when she couldn't handle the loss. She'd expected something, but felt nothing. It just didn't seem like it could possibly be real.

Shepard couldn't be dead. He just couldn't.

But he was. Garrus and Tali had already said their goodbyes and left her alone with him, but forcing herself to admit that he'd really passed away was proving a more daunting task than trying to take out a battle cruiser with toothpicks and Kleenex. At least she could be happy that he was with God now - Ashley might have doubted it for herself, but she knew without a doubt Shepard was - but there wasn't even that.

Her most valuable assets were levelheadedness and realism, but neither were anywhere to be found. Why had they fled now, when she needed them most?

Ashley knew why. Shepard seemed almost invincible to her, like some larger-than-life Greek or Roman hero; someone who would be around forever, undying. To have him die had shattered the myth and made her unsure of how much reality she could ever accept.

It was even more unfair because for most of the time she'd known him, he was completely unattainable to her. Locked inside that shell of reservedness and objective realism was a man who'd been through things no one should be expected to endure, clawed his way back from insanity. She was intrigued by that man, had only been beginning to reach him, and now he was gone.

Her whimsical dream of having him - of having anyone - was now only a foolish, unfulfilled fantasy. They would never be. That, more than anything was what she had to accept.

"Darn it, Shepard," Ashley cursed half-heartedly. "You're going to make me cry, and I've never cried in my life."

He did not respond. John Frederick Shepard's service record now read KIA, killed in action. Killed. Dead.

Shepard's chest rose, his lungs hissed as they took in breath.

Ashley blinked and rubbed her eyes to make sure she wasn't hallucinating, but it happened again. Slowly, Shepard's lungs continued to fill with air and then expel it, first erratically, but gradually stabilizing into a systematic, healthy rhythm.

Still not entirely convinced her eyes were telling her the truth, Ashley put her fingers to Shepard's throat, to check for a pulse. Her heart leaped into her throat when she found it weak but strengthening. She nearly choked with sudden, overwhelming joy.

"Shepard," she whispered. "John, can you hear me?"

Though he did not respond, as a few anxious minutes passed, his heart continued beating and his lungs still rasped softly with the intake of breath. Ashley would have been happy just to sit and watch him... living.

She nearly jumped when he suddenly drew in a sharp breath, coughed faintly, and opened his eyes.

"Ash?"

A smile wider than the Presidium split her face and Ashley threw her arms around Shepard and laughed as all her emotions came out at once. She even cried a little. Shepard did his best to lean into her embrace and returned the hug with his only arm.

"Well, I must say, skipper," Ashley said into his ear, grinning, "you have a habit of making me act a little weird."

"Likewise, Chief," he returned with a pained laugh, and Ashley realized she was probably hurting his shoulder, where his arm had been shorn off by hundreds of tons of bulkhead and geth crushing down on it.

She immediately pulled away and composed herself, nudging back a rogue strand of hair with her finger. "Wow, Commander, what do I say? Everyone thought you were dead."

He raised his eyebrow and frowned in jest. "Now, now, do I look very dead?"

Ashley took in the sight of him. He was covered in blood from his shoulder wound, his skin pale from having lost so much, his left arm was just gone, and he looked like he'd been put in a giant blender along with fuel rods from Normandy's drive core, a few rolls of barbed wire, and the odd head of elcor. She grinned wider.

"Yes, actually. Just a little bit."

Shepard laid his head back and groaned. "I must be alive, then. Dead people don't look dead. Kaidan certainly didn't." He gave her a level look. "I saw him, you know."

Ashley was startled. "You know, Tali said the same thing when we got her out of there. She said Kaidan was sitting beside her until we got her out. But that was you, not Kaidan. I didn't know what to think."

"Believe me. I saw him, and he says he saw her too."

She fidgeted with her hands. "But, Shepard, you know it's not..."

"Real?"

Ashley nodded uncomfortably.

Shepard sighed. "No, he's out there, Ash. And he's fine, I know it."

She stared off at the wall. "He was a good soldier."

"That he was. And a good man."

Ashley gave him a sideways look. "You know, Shepard, Doctor Chakwas wrote you up as KIA. Watching her make that report was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. And it wasn't any easier watching her do it for Kaidan when he..." She stopped, unable to say the rest. "I guess what I mean is, I really want to believe you, but I think I'm afraid to. How did you know it was him?"

"Ashley, he was on a beach where rock 'n' roll plays all the time, surrounded by beautiful women, having beer with Captain Kirrahe in a khaki shirt."

A sudden guffaw forced its way from her throat. "Okay, I believe you. That's definitely Kaidan. It's just... gosh, this is a whole lot to process all at once."

Shepard just smiled at her. "I should probably come with warning signs: 'May cause reality crisis', or something like that. You could hang them in an unobtrusive place, like on my nose. Then you wouldn't have to look at my ugly mug."

Ashley laughed again.

"Ash," he said, "I love you."

She saw how serious he was, and grinned coyly in response. "Really? I don't think you do; you had the nerve to die on me!" Ashley squeezed his hand. "You want to love me, you'd better not do any more dying."

John smiled. "I think that would be a good place to start."