YOU'RE WELCOME Part 1/1
This story is my first written work about Susan and Marcus, please don't yell at me. It takes place at the end of season 4, but in my universe Ivanova wasn't hurt and so naturally Marcus didn't die. There are a few incontinuities but nothing serious. There are a couple spoilers for Season 5 but nothing really horrible.
Please also note, I wrote this a very long time ago. You could probably say it was the first fanfiction I ever wrote, and I only found it on the computer by accident. Personally, I think for a first go, it wasn't bad, but I've also written better stuff since this was written. I haven't watched B5 in ages, so the characters are also probably a bit out of character as well. But, I thought I'd put it up anyway, just for laughs.
Disclaimer: JMS is a God. And these characters are gods of his creation. But hey, even gods need to go out for a walk occasionally.
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Prologue: Marcus saw the piece of debris as it barrelled toward the ship's window.
"Susan!!" he yelled launching himself at her. Ivanova whirled around toward him and found herself flat on the floor just seconds before a bone-jarring shudder went through the ship and a large beam landed right where she had been standing. It took a minute for her to realize that Marcus had probably saved her life. And when she did she was totally speechless. She stared at him for a long moment. Marcus figured it was shock. "Thank you Marcus." She stammered. All he said was; "You're welcome."
Captain Susan Ivanova was having a bad day. Her hair did not want to cooperate that morning, so she wound up with loose, annoying hair in her eyes all day. And naturally there had been a host of annoying meetings to go to. Most of them with those damned Drazi, they weren't going to leave her alone were they? To top it all off, she hadn't had a good nights sleep in three days. Whenever she tried, her mind went back to why Marcus had risked his butt to save hers. It was bothering her, and she hadn't been able to talk to him in three days. My, what a coincidence. *He must be avoiding me.- she thought. - I certainly haven't been deliberately avoiding him.*
"Uh.. Captain?" Came a rather hesitant voice from in behind her. She turned quickly to find Corwin standing there, visibly wilting under the steely gaze that had become her norm these days. Any other time it would have been funny but now it was annoying.
"What is it?"
"You wanted to be reminded of your meeting with 'certain people' at 15:30 hours ma'am." he said nervously.
*Oh yeah that.* She thought to herself angrily. "Thank you Corwin" she said, and stalked off to the meeting room. *Just this meeting, and then I can go home, and bask in my vodka.*
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Marcus Cole could not figure out just what was wrong with him. He'd practically saved her life, she hadn't tried to kill him afterwards, that meant something, and he still hadn't told her how he felt.*Dammit!* his mind shouted at him. *Just what is your problem!* He'd been pacing the station for three days now, avoiding her at all times. And now, of all the times in the universe, Delenn has summoned him, could be a good thing, but it could be extremely bad. Marcus pinged the door chime at Delenn's quarters.
"Come in Marcus." came her quiet but powerful voice from inside, the door opened right after. He bowed respectfully in front of her.
"Entil'Za. You sent for me?"
"Yes Marcus. We have a problem. There have been many unconfirmed reports of hostile activity on the fringes of Drazi territory, we must find out what is going on."
"And you would like me to find out." he stated simply.
"Yes Marcus, you have experience in matters of stealth, and you are available at the moment. You must understand though, it is a dangerous mission, if what we suspect is true, you may not come back." the worry and sorrow in her voice was apparent. Delenn felt as if she was sentencing him to death, which for all she knew, she could be.
"I will leave as soon as possible Entil'Za." Marcus told her.
"Very well, a transport leaves in the morning, you will have your papers by then." She said with a heavy heart.
"Thank you, Entil'Za, I will see you soon." he bowed again and swished out of the room, leaving Delenn wondering if she would ever see the Ranger again.
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*Marcus, you have got to tell her. You may never see her again.* Marcus was pacing the corridor outside her quarters. Up and down, back and forth. What the hell was he going to say to her? *Hello Susan, I'm off to a very dangerous mission that I might not survive at all so I just thought I'd tell you how I much I love you before I kick the bucket. Yeah right, she'd drop kick my butt out an airlock.* He stopped pacing and stood very still. *Might as well just say it straight out.* He pinged her door chime.
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Her day had gotten worse. Those damned smugglers were going to drive her crazy one of these days. Having to tell them "their services weren't required" anymore was not easy. She was strong, but not strong enough to fight eight angry criminals. Well, at least Security was pleased. When she got back to her quarters, she'd had a very long shower. And ran out of soap. She was now sitting in the dark nursing her third large glass of vodka. The door chime went off. * Damn, I don't want any company right now.* she thought.
"Open!" she yelled. The door did open and Marcus walked carefully in. "Lights, low" she said.
"Um, hello Susan." he said. To him she looked very annoyed and possibly intoxicated, how many of those had she had?
*Great, just what I need right now.* she thought, slightly annoyed, but she couldn't say that aloud.
"Marcus, this isn't really a good time, I've just had the worst day, and I'm not in a good mood. Can you come back later?" *What the hell are you doing! You've been wanting to talk to him for days!* her mind screamed at her. Instead of saying anything she hoped he would refuse or something. Or something.
"No, Susan, I can't go yet. I have to tell you something, and if I don't tell you now I might not get a chance."
*Uh oh. This sounds ominous* she thought. She got up to get another drink. She had a strange feeling she was going to need it.
"Ok Marcus, if it's that important, go ahead."
* She has no idea just how important this is.* He looked at the floor trying to find a way to start. Susan took a long sip, waiting.
"Do remember what I said to you on the White Star that one time? The saying in Minbari?"
"Yes, you said it was a greeting, um, let me see, My words are inadequate to the burden of my heart. And I said it was a pretty strange greeting."
"It wasn't a greeting."
"It wasn't?"she was not in the mood for games "Alright, what was it?"
"It was a compliment. I said, 'You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met'"
Susan was surprised. No, shocked was more like it.
"But, you said there was someone waiting for you when the war was over." She said turning away slightly and tightening her grip on her glass.
"I didn't say who, just that she didn't know it yet." He said softly.
"Marcus..." she started.
"Wait, let me finish. I meant every word that I said and I still do. And after what happened on the White Star I thought you should know how I felt." He said, all in a rush. She'd turned completely away from him and he could not see her expression. Then she did something unexpected. She laughed, a deep, almost evil laughter.
"Do you know what you just did? You've just signed your own death warrant! Everybody who loves me dies Marcus! Or else they just leave me behind, alone!" She yelled at him, her vodka starting to take effect.
"I don't plan on dying anytime soon Susan." He was serious.
"That doesn't matter! Do you think my family wanted to die! Talia didn't even have a life when THEY were finished with her! And Malcolm... I don't even want to think of him! And it doesn't matter. In the end they all leave me, and none come back!" She was screaming now.
"Susan, I won't leave you."
"Yes you will! Somehow, someway, you will. And you won't get a choice!" Tears were streaming down her cheeks. "Now get out."
"Susan..."
"GET OUT!! GET OUT, GET OUT!! She screamed. She threw her half full glass at him, he ducked for the door just in time and managed to get out into the hallway as the glass smashed into the wall. As the door started to close he heard her start to sob uncontrollably. It was a sound that would haunt him for a long time.
Inside her quarters Susan had retreated to a corner of the room where she was bawling her eyes out. When Marcus left the station she felt him leave, but assumed he'd lingered outside her quarters for a long time. An assumption that she would regret.
Susan didn't sleep that night, she thought instead. And, in the morning she came to a decision. She tidied herself up and tried to call Marcus in his quarters. He was not there. Instead of leaving her quarters to find him, she called the new President.
"Morning Susan." A sleepy John Sheridan said over the vid.
"Morning. John, have you seen Marcus anywhere? I haven't been able to contact him."
"Oh...He didn't tell you."
"Tell me what?" she decided to play it safe and not say anything out of the ordinary.
"Susan...Marcus has gone out on a mission. A very dangerous one. IF he comes back at all, he'll be in one piece, or..."
Susan was fighting to keep her face in control. "Or what John?"
"Or he'll be in a body bag."
She felt the blood drain from her face.
"I see." Now she understood why it was so important to him to tell her his feelings right the and there. He might never come back from this one. And he knew it.
"John, I'd like some time off as of now. I have some things to do. And think about."
"Alright Susan. I think Corwin can hold the station together for a while. Notify me when you're ready to back on duty."
"Yes sir."
The screen went blank. Susan stared at it for some time. Then she began to cry all over again.
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It was no use. He hadn't been able to sleep since he left the station. That was a week ago. He kept hearing her sobbing in his head. Susan Ivanova breaking down like that was very disturbing. It was something he never wanted to see again. But he needed to see her again, badly. And he was going to do everything within his power to get back to her.
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She was unaware of the passage of time. Susan had sat in her little corner now for two weeks. Not that she knew it. She slept when she was to tired to cry, ate when she remembered, and showered when she thought of it. She did think of it often though. The rest of the time she sat in the corner crying. She could not believe what she had done. She'd tossed him out when he needed to say something important, when she needed to say something important. Now she would probably never see him again. The door chime sounded. It surprised her, without thinking she called out "Open!" And then remembered the state she was in. *Oh well* she thought.
It was Delenn.
"Oh! Delenn, hi, um...." She jumped up. She had no idea what to say.
"Hello Susan."
*This means a talk* Susan thought groggily. * She very rarely calls me Susan.*
"I must apologize for my attire and the state of my quarters I've been...." Susan didn't get a chance to finish.
"You have been mourning the loss of a very good friend who is not gone yet." Delenn sure got to her point fast.
"Well...."
"Well nothing. Susan look at you, you have lost weight. You are not taking care of yourself. You have not been seen outside of your quarters since Marcus left. Do you even know how long ago that was?"
"It can't be more than a few days, not long enough to warrant any worry."
"It has been two weeks." Delenn told her.
"Two weeks!"
"Yes, two weeks in which you have not been seen or heard from, and we are very worried. Would you like to talk about it?" That was not a question. It was a demand from a concerned friend. And Susan's moral code said that you should never turn down concerned friends. So she told her.
"You'd better sit down." Delenn sat. "He came to see me before he left. He didn't tell me he was leaving. Did you know he saved my life?" Delenn shook her head no. "He did. Threw himself at me to get me out of the way of a falling beam. I couldn't say anything to him then. I didn't know how to say it. And I damn well should have!" Delenn looked at her, waiting patiently for her to continue. " Anyway, he must have been avoiding me for the next three days, because I hadn't seen anything of him since he saved me." Tears started forming in her eyes again, just thinking about what had happened two weeks ago. "But when he came to see me, I had been having a very bad day. And I drank a little to much vodka before he showed up. He told me he loved me Delenn! He said he loved Me!! And I threw him out in a screaming fury! Why the hell did I do that! Why!!" She had broken down now, crying fresh tears. Delenn wrapped her arms around Susan to comfort her.
"You said you'd had a bad day, correct?"
"Mhmm." Susan mumbled through the tears.
"You had also consumed alcohol. Your mind was not prepared to accept a revelation of that magnitude. Or perhaps you have been fighting this truth for to long, that yet again your mind was not ready."
"What truth?"
"The truth that you love him, just as much as he does you."
"Well...."
"There is no 'Well' about it Susan, if you did not at least care for him you would not hide yourself away in such grief since his departure." She said gently.
Susan pulled away and got up to face Delenn.
"You're probably right. My mind is just so fogged up that I can't really see it. My mind has always been blocked from my heart. Maybe it's time I took down some of the walls." Her face was still tear streaked, but she had a new resolve in her eyes.
"That would be a wonderful start. Now you really must eat something Susan. Let me prepare you something while you shower, no, do not protest it will do no good." Delenn said as Susan opened her mouth to protest.
"Oh alright. Far be it for me to protest a little room service."
"That is good, you have already regained some of your sense of humour." Delenn was smiling.
When Susan got out of the shower Delenn had already gone. There was a wonderful scent of real coffee floating around the room mixed with something sweet. *Pancakes? Where did Delenn learn how to make pancakes?* she thought *Stupid question, that's practically the only thing John cooks well enough to rub off on her* she answered her own question. Feeling a little better than she had before Susan settled down to eat.
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An hour later Delenn met Marcus at the docking bay, Susan still hadn't left her quarters since Delenn had left and she decided this was to important to wait 'till Marcus came to see her.
"Entil'Za." Marcus greeted her.
"Marcus. I trust the mission went well?"
"Yes, very well. I am still in one piece."
"Very well then. Your second will make out the official report to me. You have very important business elsewhere. Walk with me." They moved out of the bay and Delenn began leading him towards Susan's quarters. "We have a problem here on board."
"Oh, what kind of problem?"
"It is one of a very personal nature. And it concerns you."
"Me? How interesting."
"Susan has not left her quarters even once since you left, and she has not been caring for herself properly. This is of great concern to us all."
"I see. Delenn, the last time I was in there she threw me out in a fit of rage. If I try to go back she'll end my very existence. She doesn't share my feelings."
"You must! She remained unseen, nearly destroyed with grief for two weeks. Does this sound like the behaviour of a woman who does not care?"
"N-no..."
"Then you will go to her now. And help her past her pain. And if you try to object, I am making this an order. Go now." That was the end of it. Marcus didn't have much of a choice, knowing Delenn she'd probably get security to follow him and take him there if he didn't go. Or else she'd follow him herself.
"All right Delenn."
Marcus made his way slowly towards Susan's quarters, feeling very odd, apprehensive maybe? No, terrified was probably a better term. The sound of her sobbing was still haunting him, following him around. Knowing that it was all his fault wasn't helping. * I'm a dead man. And if she doesn't kill me this time, she'll get me when I least expect it* he thought as he stopped in front of her door. He pinged the chime.
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The pancakes were delicious, she could still taste them, even after coffee and a couple of vodka shots. Susan knew now how much she did care. *Maybe there is some hope, John did say he'd be in one piece or a body bag, so the odds are 50-50* she thought * but knowing my luck....* She was getting depressed again. She got up to get more vodka and orange juice from the kitchen. She had just picked up her glass when the door chime sounded. *When Delenn gets concerned, she really gets concerned* "Come in" she called then realized how strangled her voice sounded. *Damn, I hate depression.* "Delenn don't you ever give up..." she started to say before realizing who it really was.
"Hullo Susan."
She froze, and somehow her glass wound up shattered in her hand. It was all she could do to keep from crying again.
"Ahhgg!" she exclaimed. Marcus was across the floor in seconds. He took hold of her hand and pulled all the glass fragments out of it, she was bleeding.
"Marcus you don't have to..."
"Hush. Yes I do, this is all my fault." He dragged her over to the bathroom, searched for a bandage and began wrapping her hand up gently, tenderly.
"What do you mean your fault?"
"I shouldn't have done that to you. You weren't in the right frame of mind."
"I'm never in the right frame of mind for anything like that Marcus, it's not my nature." They were back in the living area. She turned to look at him.
"I am so sorry I threw you out like that, you didn't deserve it. And I've been kicking myself around the last two weeks because of it. I mean, I look at the things you've done for me, those eggs, that chart you made, they were really sweet. I should've noticed it before. But then I can't even hear what my heart is telling me half the time. That's my problem." She turned away again.
"I guess what I'm afraid of is more pain." She took a deep breath. " Everyone who I have loved, and everyone who has loved me has left me in the end. I can't take that, even just one more time."
Marcus looked at her, he could see that her wounds ran all the way to her soul, just like his.
"I've lost a lot of people too Susan. Too many. I know exactly what that pain feels like, and I don't think I can live with it alone any more." He moved slowly up behind her. "I can't promise that I won't die, and neither can you. But I can promise that I will always be with you in spirit. If by some miracle we both live long happy lives, we'd be a lot happier together than apart. And if we don't, we can still be together in the place where no shadows fall. But only if you want to be together."
Susan turned to look at him again, this time there were tears in her eyes.
"Can you forgive me for throwing you out?"
"Yes."
"Any other man wouldn't. Why you?"
"Because I don't want to hear you cry like that again, and because I love you."
She smiled. In one swift movement she threw herself into his arms and cried quietly. Marcus planted a kiss on the top of her head. After a minute she looked up at him. "I love you too."
They stayed standing like that for awhile, neither caring to move. Then Susan spoke.
"Marcus?"
"Mhmm"
"Thank-you."
"For what?"
"For making me speak to my heart again." It was a moment before he answered.
"You're welcome."
Epilogue: Several months later Susan Ivanova-Cole woke up at the normal six in the morning, with the same damned feeling she'd been getting for the last two weeks. Since Marcus had gone off on another mission. And just like all the other mornings she ran for the toilet almost two minutes after waking up. She didn't even notice that she almost tripped over her husband on the way. Marcus woke up to the sound of someone being violently ill in the bathroom and went to investigate quickly. Susan felt his hands removing her hair from her face and then wiping it with a cloth. After she rinsed out her mouth he lifted her up and carried her back to the bedroom. "Are you alright?" He asked. " Oh yeah, that's normal anymore. Been doing that for two weeks." "Two weeks! Susan you should see Dr Franklin about it." "I already have." "And?" She got a gleeful look on her face and said, "He says it's a normal condition in the first three months ... you know I'm going to have to get a whole new wardrobe in about three months, or else alter half of that stuff." "What? Susan this is serious!" * He must be dense, I'd better try something more direct.* she thought. "Marcus, do you like children?" " What? Yes, love them but what does that have to do with...Oh." He stopped talking as realization dawned. "Oh wow." "I thought so too. Do you remember what you said about being happier together than apart?" "Yes." " I think three is just as happy as two."