A/N: This story is based on a very Buffy The Vampire Slayer plot bunny that was posted eons ago on the board that in turn was based on a X-men fanfic Xmas challenge. I hope I'm not stepping on any toes by posting my Mass Effect version of the original story here.
The lyrics are from Weird Al Yankovic's The Night Santa Went Crazy.
Down in the workshop
All the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls
And the Good Gentile boys
"Vega?" Shepard stood in the doorway between the open kitchen and the large living room area, giving the man setting the dining table a questioning look. "I thought I asked you to put on some Christmas music."
"I did", the marine said, standing back to check and see if the silverware was lined just right next to the plate. He adjusted a knife.
"This is not Christmas music."
When the boss busted in
Nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hand and
Cheap whiskey on his breath
"Is too, Lola", James insisted. He moved over to the buffet to retrieve another plate, napkin and silverware.
"It's not Christmas music", she said, enjoying the sight of him all dressed up fineries. The dark green jacket he wore over a black silk shirt brought out the hazel-colour of his eyes and accentuated his body. He looked good, and he knew it. Shepard had to smile at how he sashed across the polished floor in time with the music, lighting the candles on the table.
"It's too Christmas music."
"It is not!"
"Is too."
"It is-" Shepard threw her hands in the air. "You are impossible!"
Vega looked up and grinned. "All part of my charm, Lola."
From his beard to his boots
He was covered in ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled
Yuletide Rambo
"This goes off before the others get here", Shepard warned, then headed back into the kitchen.
"But why?" James called after her. "This is good Christmas music!"
And he smiled as he said
With a twinkle in his eye
"Merry Christmas to all-
Now you're all gonna die!"
Shepard rolled her eyes and continued to put the food she had ordered in bowls and on trays. With so many different species to deal with, cooking would have been a nightmare even if she'd had any talent for it. The microwave pinged and she opened it to retrieve the heated mashed potatoes.
Everyone was due to show up at the apartment she had inherited from Admiral Anderson shortly for the celebration. She really should get James to change the music, but she had to admit, it was sort of fitting for the mismatched group about to arrive.
The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been getting' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
The doorbell rang and James yelled: "I'll get it!" Practically bouncing to the door, he threw it open with a large grin on his face."
"Hello, Lieutenant", Doctor Karin Chakwas greeted. "Ha-" She was cut off by the marine grabbing her, bending her halfway over his arm, and plundering her surprised, open mouth with his own. As abruptly as he kissed her, he straightened and released her.
Then he grabbed Steve Cortez, who had been shaking his head at him, and kissed the shuttle pilot just as deeply.
Well, the workshop is gone now
He decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces
Of Cupid and Comet
James released the man and stepped back to let them both enter. It was Steve who noticed first. "Aah, mistletoe." He pointed up to the area just outside the front door. "Nice placement."
"Thanks", the marine said, the large grin still on his face. "I got to get my jollies somehow."
"Vega!" Shepard called from the kitchen. "Can you come and help me?"
"'Scuse me." He gestured towards the couches in front of the fireplace. "Make yourself at home."
Her cheeks still rosy from the overwhelming welcoming; Karin let Steve help her of with her coat. They went into the gaily decorated living room area, and after having added their gifts to the pile under the tree they took a seat on the couch.
And he tied up his helpers
And he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph
Into reindeer sausage
"It sounds like Mr. Vega picked the music", Steve commented with a grin.
"You think."
He got Dancer and Prancer
With an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher
Just like Freddie Krueger
The doorbell rang again and before Steve could rise to answer it, James came sliding down the hallway on green sock-clad feet. The two on the couch heard yelling then a shriek that was cut off abruptly. A few seconds later, Vega sauntered past the couch back towards the kitchen followed Joker and EDI who joined Karin and Cortez.
"Mistletoe", Steve said to the stunned pilot and the amused AI.
"I had his tongue in my mouth", Joker said with a slightly stupefied look on his face. "His tongue!"
And he picked up a flamethrower
And he barbequed Blizen
And he took a big bite and said
"It tastes just like chicken!"
Next to arrive was Wrex and Grunt. The two krogan males were dressed up in ceremonial armour and Grunt was carrying a dead pyjack thrown across his shoulder. He saw the gifts under the tree and tossed the carcass on the pile. "I didn't know I was suppose to put paper around it..."
"Damn human", Wrex growled, sinking down on the nearest couch, flustered and annoyed. "Vega rubbed his face against mine and laughed! Is that some sort of human tradition or is he trying to mate with me?"
"Maybe he's had too much eggnog?" Karin suggested, trying to hide a smile.
"Or he's horny", Wrex grumbled. "We need to get him a female."
"Happy Holidays!" Shepard greeted, coming out of the kitchen, carrying a plate of appetizers. "Can I get anyone something to drink?" She blushed prettily at the compliments and appreciative cat calls her friends made. Her dark hair was combed back from her face and fastened with bejewelled clips that sparkled as she moved, and her dark blue satin gown that left her shoulders bare was daring enough to make the men take extra notice.
"Something that will take the feeling of Vega's tongue from my mouth, please", Joker said when the shower of compliments aimed at the Commander ended.
Shepard sighed. "Did he put the mistletoe above the door?"
Her guests nodded.
The doorbell rang again and she went to answer it, and almost got bowled over by the young marine. "Oops, sorry, Lola." James steadied the beautiful Commander before she could trip in her high-heeled shoes. Then he opened the door to see Liara standing there. He grinned broadly, about to grab the Asari and give her a real warm welcome, when Shepard put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed tightly.
"Come in, please", she invited, pulling a pouting James backwards as she stepped out of the doorway.
James stuck his lower lip out and mentally grumbled about his fun being ruined.
While Shepard showed Liara to the living room the doorbell chimed anew. Vega's frown turned into a smile as he flung the door open.
"Merry Chri-" Someone started to say, but a surprised yelp from Vega interrupted the greeting. The marine found himself being bent over an arm and firmly kissed.
"Mistletoe", Garrus said with a grin that flexed his mandibles as he released the stunned man.
"I know", came the reply a little breathlessly. "I hung it there. Welcome."
"Thank you", Tali said, grinning behind her mask as she and Garrus entered the apartment, sure that if Vega had been as fair skinned as Shepard his face would have been very red. She and Garrus joined the others in front of the fireplace. Greetings and hugs and kisses where exchanged as they all sat down to taste of the appetizers and the wine.
The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without stepping in reindeer guts
Tali turned to Vega. "Let me guess, you picked the music."
The man grinned at the Quarian. "Isn't great?"
"I fear you."
There's the National Guard and the FBI
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa why?
My my my my my…
You used to be such a jolly guy
The large group of friends gathered on the couches, minus Wrex and Garrus, who'd been conscripted into cutting the Krogan-rated version of a Christmas ham, happily chatted over the music. Shepard watched them, keeping herself busy by refilling glasses and putting out plates with aperitifs.
All her friends were there. All her friends but one...
She forced her thoughts away from him, and focused on smiling and trying to enjoy herself.
Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behaviour in 700 more years
Dinner itself was a loud and boisterous affair, with good conversation, good wine, and good feelings abound. They all ignored the music still playing on the stereo.
But now Vixen's in therapy
And Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs
Working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Clause
She's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating
The movie rights
Afterwards, the group returned to the set of couches and the fireplace. Somewhere around dessert the music ended, but by then they had stopped noticing it. They exchanged gifts; funny gifts, thoughtful gifts, and smelly and dead gifts. With the colourful wrapping material laying in heaps around them they settled back on the couch, or the rug and talked and laughed.
Shepard watched them with satisfaction. She was more than a little tipsy and had kicked off the high heeled shoes and pulled up her legs under her. She had wanted a night of laughter, of light and warmth, and she had gotten it. And still she could feel the pang of sadness pinching her heart.
Catching her gaze Garrus came over to sit down beside her. "How are you, Shepard?" Of everyone here, he alone had caught the glimpse of sadness in her eyes.
"How are you?" She asked instead of answering his question. "Are you happy, Garrus?"
He watched Tali throw some kind of purple-coloured nuts at Wrex who caught them between his fearsome jaws, crushing them. The young Quarian clapped her hands and laughed as Wrex took a bow. He smiled at the sight before turning his attention back on her. "Very. You know, I've read about Christmas. It is the season to be jolly."
Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Are you going to burst into song?"
Garrus snorted. "I wasn't planning on it." Then he grew serious again. "Christmas is a time for miracles."
"Do you think Santa will come and sprinkle the Reapers with pixie dust and make them disappear?"
The turian's brow-plates moved as he frowned at her. "I am serious, Shepard. Christmas is a time for magic and miracles, for wishes to come true." He turned his sapphire eyes on her full force, making her feel self-conscious and almost shy. "What is your wish, Shepard? You're heart's desire. And don't say 'To defeat the Reapers'. Not tonight."
"Garrus... I..." Her voice trailed off and she felt tears fill her eyes. "Damn!" She cursed and wiped them away with the back of her hand before they could fall. Then she smiled at him. "I have everything anyone could ever wish for right here", she said, hoping he wouldn't see through the lie, knowing that he would. But instead of calling her on the lie, he leaned in and brushed his forehead against hers for a moment before he rose to join Tali and Wrex who had gathered at the bar, being served colourful drinks mixed by James and Cortez.
The evening ended with James and Joker singing a drunk, but surprisingly beautiful version of Silent Night.
It was long past midnight when Shepard saw her guests to the door. She exchanged kisses with Liara, Chakwas, Steve and EDI, then watched Wrex and Grunt drag a semi-conscious Vega out the door.
"Don't worry, Shepard", the older Krogan said in his gravel-like voice. "We'll make sure he gets back on board the Normandy safely."
Next was Tali who hugged her and slurred something that the translator couldn't decipher, then she found herself face to face with Garrus again. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her close. "Remember what I said", he murmured, his dual-toned voice soft. "Christmas is a time for wishes to come true."
Then they were gone and she was alone in the much too large flat. She looked around at the empty glasses and plates, at the crunched up Christmas wrapping. And at the dead pyjack under the Christmas tree. She wrinkled her nose and decided to deal with it in the morning.
She was pouring herself a small glass of brandy when the doorbell suddenly rang. Thinking someone had returned to retrieve something they had forgotten she used her omni-tool to unlock the door.
It parted and Shepard gasped, nearly dropping her glass. "Kaidan!"
He was standing in the doorway holding a single red rose. "Merry Christmas, Shepard."
The End.