Confessions
"I love you," I thought to myself, distracted, watching that person's mouth move instead of listening to the words being uttered.
Lips curled in a triumphant grin. The excitement that the plan would work was palpable.
My own lips tightened. We were discussing the strategies of war and not about my feelings. Because despite my proud Sunan upbringing, I couldn't just say the things I wanted to say. Not to someone that belonged to another village anyway.
That was it, the war was upon us…and words to unbury buried feelings were definitely out of the question. So every day, I find another reason not to say it.
Staring at the plans for the attack spread on the table—seeing the flaw and knowing it couldn't be helped—because yes, for it to work, sacrifices are to be made.
I almost opened my mouth and blurted everything out. How I love, love the person that saved me a couple of times, the person that despite our differences, had become my closest friend, my conscience, my everything.
"Anything else?" that person asked.
I shook my head.
We both knew the flaw of the plan and we both knew we wouldn't talk about it.
With a nonchalant nod, I was being dismissed.
We are friends, but we never have that kind of relationship were we parted ways with much more than just a few words to each other.
A declaration of my feelings would change all that…
We could end up being more than friends or maybe we could end up being less than acquaintances. Despite my bravado, I don't want to lose so I won't gamble.
With heavy feet, I reached the entrance of the huge tent, going out first. Leaving, going our separate ways to rest before the big fight tomorrow.
Outside, breathing in the night air, my eyes alighted on someone familiar. Someone from my own village. A friend.
"Hey."
With the fluorescent light shining from the post, she saw me.
"Temari."
A furrow between her brows appeared.
"I'm fine," I said. But her frown only deepened. Obviously, my control on my emotions—that one lesson that was taught to us early on our shinobi training was shot. My face must had revealed something to her.
The battle early tomorrow could be my last and the knowledge that I'm a coward for refusing to voice out my feelings, my so called pain had made me un-guard my emotions as I faced her. As a fellow Suna shinobi, she must knew the gravity of my feelings…the hopelessness in this war.
"Tell me."
"Why should I?" I rasped.
"No reason. But, in this god forsaking war, it helps to find an outlet so the pressure wouldn't end up killing you. It's a good advice from…" Her words trailed off.
From? From someone very important, my gut feeling surmised.
And when someone as tough as her, suddenly looked uncomfortable, it was a blatant sign that I was right.
"Do you love someone who you know you should never love in the first place? Can you understand how something like that can mess you up?" The question had to be asked.
Emerald eyes sharpened.
"I do and I can."
My friend looked away.
I followed suit. Shikamaru then filled my vision. He was talking to a Konoha kunoichi. Her.
My heart ached seeing them together. She was probably a bit older than him but they still seemed close. They must be after all they belonged to the same village.
I must have been staring. My friend cleared her throat to get my attention. "With this war, there are far more important things."
"I know." My feelings, my hopes and dreams for the future seemed irrelevant when the future itself is at stake. "Someday, I wish though…"
I felt a jab on my shoulder. She might not wholly understand but, with that small token of physical contact, she supported me. "Yes, someday," I grumbled.
—o0o—
The mission was accomplished at such a great price. Far greater than what I expected.
I sat down on a rotting log. And then I cried. I don't usually but I couldn't help it. The person that I love was gone—gone forever.
The dilemma of whether to tell or not of my feelings…there was no need to seek an answer to that anymore. Whether I say it or not, that person would never hear it now.
My friend approached. She must have noticed my absence and searched for me. She sat on the other end of the log, letting me know without words that she knew of the crushing news.
I told her, in a voice filled with regret, "In this war, telling someone how much he or she is cherished is important. Don't hold it back."
She nodded her head and I knew, finally, she understood.
—o0o—
With death we had seen, dark nights came one after the other. On one such night, tinged with our comrades' blood, I could hear my friend's voice. It was a bit defensive but still determined.
She was talking to him. My friend was talking to that shinobi from Konoha.
She was telling him… "I love you, Shikamaru."
As I walked away to give them their privacy, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of envy. I wasn't able to tell that to her—to the person that I most cherished.
My friend, Temari, was braver than me. She was far luckier too.
—o0o—
~11 2 14AF P3 4 15~
A/N: I tried to give this plot away...because I thought if it was me, it would be...
Hope it wasn't confusing.