Tada! A new fandom, a new tragic one shot to get my feet wet before I start my actual work in D. Gray-man... (evil laughter)
To those of you waiting for me to update my other stories, I'm sorry! I'm stuck! But as a writer, I must write other things, in the hopes that it will make me unstuck sometime in the foreseeable future.
So for now, enjoy!
One more thing: I sort of have to go by the anime's adaptation of the lotus and Kanda's life span, because Hoshino-sensei picked the worst time ever to be unable to write and draw her manga, right as we're about to be told what the hell the flowers mean! So yeah... it's all according to the anime, or what the anime leads us to infer...
Now you may enjoy!
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Kanda Yuu peaked through his eyelids at Komui and asked, "May I leave now?" with a little more patience than he would have in any other circumstances. To be frank, he was lucky to be asking at all.
Komui Lee glanced at his clipboard and scratched the back of his neck. There was not a trace of a joke on his face, only worry and mild confusion.
"I would love nothing more to say "no", but there really isn't any reason to keep you," he said with a sigh. "Just be careful, will you, Kanda-kun?"
Kanda tried to dismiss him with his usual air of aloofness as he detached himself from the various beeping devices stationed around the room, but knew even before Komui said anything that it wouldn't work.
"I'm serious, Kanda-kun. This one isn't like all the warnings I've given you before. This is ten times more serious. Unless you're not sure about that illusion of yours dying…"
"Of course I'm sure!" he snapped without meaning to. He took a deep breath and said more calmly, "I've been waiting for it to for half of my life. It's dead." So why am I not? he added silently.
Komui nodded. He was surprised at Kanda's change in demeanor. In a normal situation, he would have left the harsh words without a cushion. If he were feeling whimsical and the situation were not so grim, Komui would comment on how he liked the young man better in this situation, a step above running out of time: living on a life force not his own.
"Don't do anything reckless. We're going into completely uncharted water now. You could keel over and die at any time, technically."
"I know."
"Make sure your words reflect your actions, Kanda-kun."
He didn't say anything as he shrugged on his exorcist coat, but a minute later asked, "Am I stuck at headquarters until I die?"
To that, Komui wanted to say, Of course you are! Welcome to hell, workaholic! :)
But again… "If things appear normal in the next few days, I don't see why not. We're horribly understaffed, and if you qualify as an uninjured exorcist, I'll have no choice but to send you out. Just please don't hurt yourself if I do."
Kanda walked toward the door as though he wouldn't dignify that with a response, but just before he went out, he said softly, "Che. As if I would."
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Though she knew how dangerous it was to approach Kanda in mid-swing, Lenalee came up behind her fellow exorcist as he guide Mugen slowly and carefully through the air. "Didn't Nii-san tell you not to do anything reckless just yesterday?" she asked.
"He did." Kanda said it causally and without looking at her or putting his form on pause.
"It's a little early to be disobeying him, don't you think?"
"There is nothing reckless about training and meditating."
She grabbed his left wrist and stopped him and the sword. She twisted it slightly so he let go of Mugen and she could see the palm. There was a long, shallow cut in the crease of his hand. She could picture how he'd gotten it: as he grabbed the sheath to steady it as he drew, the blade ran across his palm by accident. How he could bear the sting so calmly was beyond her. It must be a guy thing.
"This isn't reckless?" she asked softly.
Of all the days, Kanda swore silently. He could think of a million times over the past ten years when it would have been significantly better to cut himself on his sword. He'd never been so shaken during a practice, or even a battle before. He pulled his hand back and said, "I slipped. It's nothing."
She raised her index finger as though she was about to reprimand a child, not a man two years her senior. "It used to be nothing," she said. "You can't just ignore these things anymore, Kanda. You're lucky to be alive, but anything could kill you if you're not careful."
"I will not die from a cut on my hand," he said stubbornly, and went back to his training.
Lenalee frowned and stopped him again. "I was going to let you wait until after you were done to see the nurse, but now you're coming right now." She pulled on his wrist and dragged him forward.
Though it would have been almost effortless to pull away from her, Kanda couldn't bring himself to do it. He let her pull him along until they got into the hallway, and the risk of being seen multiplied exponentially. He then pulled his hand away from her loosened grip, but still followed obediently. He might as well listen to one of the Lees.
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Two days later, Kanda was still alive, still training, still eating soba, and still occasionally fuming in his room about the cut on his hand, the biggest annoyance in ten years, the moyashi and Lavi aside.
It was on that second day that he went to Komui and practically (although he never actually would) begged for a mission with the insistence that he would be useless if he sat around headquarters any longer. After much prodding and a half an hour waiting period for the Supervisor to make up his mind, Kanda was called back with the conclusion that he could leave London castle.
"But…" Komui said, "I hope you'll understand why I've decided to send three other exorcists with you."
"Who are they?"
"Allen, Lavi, and Lenalee."
"No, I don't understand."
"…"
The Supervisor sighed. "Whether you like it or not, the four of you work well together. And while you could technically do this mission on your own in any other instance, I'm not about to let you go to Austria by yourself right now."
Though he'd been on a relative calm streak the past three days since he should have died, Kanda came very close to threatening the man in front of him. His eyebrow twitched in annoyance, but he muttered, "Fine."
River unintentionally saved Komui from the awkward conversation, or lack thereof, just a few minutes later when he brought the other exorcists in. Komui shot him a "why couldn't you have done it sooner" look, but quickly produced four booklets of information from the stacks about the desk extension that was the room.
"So… there's nothing unusual about this mission," he said with a smile to lighten the somehow automatically grim mood. "Go to Austria, find the Innocence, destroy any Akuma that come after it, don't fight any Noah that come with them!"
"Awesome!" Lavi said enthusiastically. "I've always wanted to visit Vienna." He'd already been five times.
"Nii-san!" Lenalee protested. "Are you sure this is the right thing to do, considering Ka-"
"There's no doubt, why wouldn't it be the right thing to do, what on Earth are you talking about, dearest sister Lenalee?" Komui asked in a rush, hoping desperately she got the hint.
She did, and although it almost pained her to do so, she let it go. "Nothing, Nii-san."
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Kanda was sweating. They'd been on the actual road for less than a day, after a day's trip across the channel and a train ride through France and Switzerland to Austria's boarder. They had only a short way to go, through a few towns, before they would be able to contact the Finders near the Innocence. Twenty or so miles wouldn't normally be a problem for Kanda; in fact, he would have been appalled at their pace were he not the one keeping it so slow.
He was exhausted and weak, but strangely cold, making it hard to keep his body as upright and dignified as it usually was. The humid wind didn't really help with his posture either. He was grateful he'd fallen behind the others so they wouldn't see him as he was, slouched over with fatigue. He wouldn't give them the satisfaction.
Too late.
Allen turned around; noticing that Kanda had fallen behind, he said, "Hold on, Lavi, Lenalee. Maybe we should take a break."
The three stopped, but Kanda plowed forward. "No breaks," he said stubbornly. He straightened himself, but very nearly lost heart when Lavi caught up, walking backwards.
"You sure about that, Yu? Ya look kinda…" Lavi put his hand on his chin, searching for the right word. He finally decided on, "Sick…"
"Don't be stupid."
"No, seriously. You really look… well, sick."
"If you know what's good for you, you'll drop it."
"Okay, Kanda," Allen said, being the peacekeeper. He put his hand on Kanda's shoulder, a risk no sane person would take. "But I want to take a break, so…" He stopped and gasped.
At the light touch, Kanda's knees had buckled and he'd fallen flat on his face. It was extremely ungraceful. He tried to pull himself up on his elbows, but they collapsed too.
Lenalee covered her mouth with her hands in horror. It was happening, just like her brother had promised her. It was five days later than they had expected, but he was dying, right in front of her.
"A-Allen-kun!" she started to say.
He held up his hands defensively. "I'm sorry, Lenalee! I didn't mean to do anything! Please don't cry!"
"I… I won't." She was calming down slightly. "But he… he needs to get to a hospital. Is there one in the next town?"
"I don't know. I don't think so…"
"There isn't," Lavi said. "There isn't one for a while yet. It'd be impossible to get him there in time if he's really sick."
"I'm not sick…" came the muttered response from the ground.
Lavi laughed humorlessly. "Sure you're not, Yu."
"Don't call me by my first name…"
Ignoring their sidebar argument, Lenalee said, "Okay… I guess… I'm sure someone will have an extra room or something. Allen, or Lavi, can you carry him?"
Allen volunteered, and Lenalee activated her Innocence and sped off.
"You're not carrying me anywhere, moyashi," Kanda growled.
"'Fraid he is, Yu."
Kanda felt Lavi grab him around the waist and dump him onto the sprout's shoulder. Allen began speed walking and it quickly became uncomfortable for all involved. Allen from carrying a grown man on his shoulder at that pace, Kanda from being knocked from side to side with Allen's movements, and Lavi from feeling totally useless.
"Put me down," Kanda said, so weak it could hardly be considered a protest. He repeated it several times until he felt he was going to pass out from the blood rushing to his head, and fell silent until they reached the room Lenalee had begged from a tenant.
"Do you have a headache?" Lenalee asked with concern when he put his hand to his head the moment Allen dropped him unceremoniously on the bed.
"Of course I do!" he snapped. "You'd have one two if moyashi carried you half a mile upside-down!"
"Would you have preferred to be carried bridal style, Yu?"
Kanda glared at the redhead and the phrase "if looks could kill" came to mind. Lavi grinned and scratched the back of his head nervously.
Lenalee also shot a look his way, although it was more of a scolding for his immaturity than a death threat. She then touched her hand to Kanda's face, surprisingly without his complaint. His skin was burning, justifying the red tinge it had and the beads of sweat on his forehead.
"You have a fever," she said, and reached for the buttons of his coat.
His eyes widened in alarm. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Well, how do you expect your fever to go down if you're wearing this heavy thing?" she said with a sad smile. Already done, she helped him slide both it and his boots off. She also noticed the cut on his hand, left without bandages for air, had a vague yellow tint to it…
"Lie down," she told him with a gentle push to get him onto the bed. He did, but turned on his side so he couldn't see them. The, "if I can't see you, you can't see me" reasoning? she wondered.
"Where are you going, Lenalee?" Kanda heard moyashi ask.
"To see if I can find a phone. I have some questions for Nii-san. Don't let him go anywhere."
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"Lenalee! My favorite sister in the whole wide world, how are you?"
"This is serious, Nii-san."
"What, you can't even answer my question, dearest sister? That's quite offensive; I should-"
"It's Kanda, Nii-san."
The other line fell silent for a moment. Lenalee could picture her brother's demeanor visibly changing. "What happened?"
"The cut on his hand got infected and now he has a fever. I know he isn't healing like he used to, but isn't that a little bit extreme? What's going on, Nii-san?" she asked, her voice dropping to whisper.
"I'm not entirely sure, but I have a theory.
"That tattoo didn't only heal his wounds, but it also got rid of any infection that got into his body. It served the purpose of his immune system for ten years, and his was dormant all that time. Without use, the immune system deteriorates, so if my theory's true, he might as well not have one at this point. You'll have to be extremely careful with this fever. Can he be moved?"
"I don't think so."
There was a sigh. "All right. Try to cool him down, but make sure he's comfortable too. Beyond that, well… just keep me posted for now. Two of you might have to go ahead on your own to complete the mission. If he doesn't improve in the next two days…" Komui trailed off.
"…I understand, Nii-san."
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The moment Lenalee opened the door, she was bombarded with questions. What did Komui say, what the hell was going on with Kanda, what about the mission?
She very nearly ignored them, only saying, "I'll tell you in a minute." Her main priority was Kanda. Allen and Lavi had apparently tried to get a wet cloth on his forehead to treat the fever, but he was still on his side and the rag was still in the bowl of water.
She rung out the cloth and went for the compromise of putting it on the back of his neck. With a surprising reflex he reached over his shoulder and smacked her hand away.
"Keep that thing off me," he growled. "It's damn cold in here already." It was only then that Lenalee noticed he was shivering. His body was tense and curled slightly, and his bare feet were shoved under the blanket they'd rolled back so he wouldn't overheat.
Remembering Komui's words of advice, she decided to make a deal. "You can have the blanket if you'll let me put this on your forehead, all right, Kanda?"
He mumbled something she couldn't hear. "What was that?"
"Give me the blanket first."
She pulled it up over his shoulders. He grabbed it and hung on for dear life, curling further into a fetal position under the covers now that the rabbit and sprout couldn't see him.
With a little help from Lenalee a minute later when he'd warmed up slightly, he turned over so the rag would lie flat. His eyes didn't meet hers as she slipped it under his bangs. Her hand lingered slightly about his face. It had grown redder while she'd made her phone call, and his mouth was opened to aid his labored breathing. To see him like this… it was heartbreaking. There was no other word.
"Get some rest, all right?"
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The next morning, Komui had news from the finders, and it wasn't good. Akuma were approaching and they needed backup from the exorcists fast. It was time to decide who would go and who would stay behind with the still feverish Kanda.
"I wouldn't mind doing it…" Allen began. Then he thought: this was Kanda. "No, wait… I would."
"Besides, Allen," Lenalee said, "If there are a ton of Akuma and only two exorcists can go, they'll need you the most."
Lavi said, with a lopsided grin, "I'd stay, but I honestly think Yu would find some inner strength to rise up and kill me…"
"That leaves me." Lenalee was torn. She didn't want to watch Kanda as he struggled with the fever, but if his time was once again running out, she wanted to be with him.
"Lenalee," Allen said. "If you don't want to, I can stay. I don't mind if it's for you, really."
She put on her best smile. "It's all right, Allen. I want to stay."
Or did she?
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Another attempt to get Kanda to drink resulted in another coughing fit. Lenalee put the cup down next to the borrowed pitcher and lowered him back onto the bed. Again, instead of pulling back right away, she took a moment to run her hand over his hair.
She'd cleaned his hand and wrapped it back up hours ago, when Allen and Lavi had left for the town just fifteen miles away, in hopes of getting rid of the infection making his temperature so horrendously high, but to no avail. It had gotten worse over the past several hours, although how much worse she couldn't tell because the tenant lacked any sort of thermometer, so she had to rely on touch and the fact that the wet cloth wasn't doing anything.
He gasped to recover from the thirty seconds without air, and Lenalee touched his face again. This time it was in the form of softly brushing her fingers over his cheek. It was comforting.
"Easy," she whispered. She pulled the damp cloth around his neck for variety more than to cool the rest of his skin. It wasn't likely it would do anything anyway, but it was good to try, right?
He didn't answer; he hadn't had the breath to speak much, and Kanda wasn't known for being talkative anyway. Still, a "thank you" would have been nice.
The light coming through the west facing window began to change color. It was late, almost nine o'clock, but the sun was just beginning to set. Lenalee watched it to distract herself, but it was contradicted by the way she held Kanda's warm hand. Even his extremities were hot with fever.
When there was no longer any excuse to look out the window, her eyes rested on him again. It was easier to do so in the dark, when the color of his face became more normal, uniform like the rest of the room, and he looked as though he might just be having a bad dream. A bad dream, she thought drowsily as she lit a candle, bringing the fever back to his face. Wouldn't that be nice…?
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Mugen glowed brightly in the dimly lit field. It was all Lenalee could focus on as she hopped on the tops of scores of level one Akuma deftly. It was battling a level three, one with a katana just like it. The two swords were matched blow for blow, but Mugen was being driven back by the nameless weapon. Lenalee tried desperately to make her way over to the battle, but more Akuma blocked her path, increasing in experience the harder she tried to push towards the one-on-one.
The level three fighting Mugen finally made a cut on the owner. The katana of dark matter plunged deep into the wielder's shoulder, and was pulled back mercilessly. Blood poured from the wound and the person doubled over. An uppercut to his other shoulder threw him backwards onto the ground, where it slashed at his chest twice before backing away, a vaguely satisfied look flashing across its quasi-human face.
At that moment of helplessness when the level three left him for dead, the Akuma before her cleared away, revealing the perfect path to the injured swordsman. Lenalee flashed forward at the speed of sound, panic rising as she approached him and his chances of survival looking more than bleak.
And then she saw the tattoo, the Hindu symbol that looked slightly like the number "3", still painted on his chest. As long as it was there and he was still alive, he would heal and he would live! Her heart leapt. This part of her world would remain intact. "Heal," she commanded him in a whisper.
He didn't.
His face was flushed with a high grade fever that couldn't possibly have set in since he'd been injured, and the tattoo hadn't taken on the seeming life of it's own as it always did when he began to heal. His already shallow breathing was slowing down. She put her ear to his chest and found his heartbeat weak.
"No," she whispered. He couldn't die, it wasn't possible. He was always muttering about "that person" and finding them, whoever they were, before he could die. That she knew of, he hadn't met anyone since she'd last heard of "that person", or reconnected with any childhood friends of any sort. That had to mean he couldn't die yet, that he wasn't fading away right before her, that he would suddenly start his miraculous healing any minute now.
She wrapped her arms around his chest and let her clothes soak up his blood, tried to clot the wounds with her body. "Please don't die," she said, sobbing softly. She listened to his chest.
"Please don't leave me."
His pulse became slower and slower under her ear.
"You can't die yet."
The gushing of his wounds came to a stop; his blood pressure was falling.
"I don't want to live without you."
He drew a gurgling breath, drowning in his bodily fluids as they rushed to his bleeding lungs.
"I can't live without you."
His heart fluttered, and with one final thump…thump, gave out.
Lenalee lifted her head, still holding him, and then lowered it again. She checked his wrist, which hadn't held a pulse for minutes now, his neck, and his chest one final time. He was gone.
"No. No, wake up!" she said, her voice rising until she was screaming at the corpse. "Wake up! I know you're still there somewhere, just open your eyes! Open your eyes! Kanda!"
Lenalee awoke with a scream.
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Through cracks in her fingers as she covered her face, she looked at Kanda, the real Kanda. He had drifted off to a fitful sleep before she'd nodded off, but woke at her cry. The candle still burned and illuminated his flushed face, but also revealed that there were no wounds but the one on his hand. Lenalee took his uninjured one and brought it to her mouth, whispering against his knuckles, "Thank God."
"Are you all right?" he asked hoarsely in between breaths that were more like gasps.
She lied and nodded. "Just a bad dream."
He closed his eyes, and just when she thought he might be going back to sleep, he said, "I died… right?"
Her silence spoke volumes.
Finally, she sputtered, "H-how did you know?"
"You're easy… to read."
She giggled slightly and a little smile formed on her face. She supposed she was rather predictable. "I guess you're right. But it's okay. It was only a dream. You'll get better, and everything will be all right."
"Do you really… believe that?"
Lenalee blinked. "Of course. Why wouldn't I? Why shouldn't I?"
He didn't answer.
Though she was shocked by his pessimism, she went on ahead as though her nightmare had never happened. "Anyway, you need to sleep."
He closed his eyes obediently, and she stroked his hair until his breathing evened out and she could be sure he was asleep. Only then did she let herself cry.
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Allen and Lavi returned two days later with a piece of Innocence to find Lenalee in a panic and Kanda in severe pain. "I already called Nii-san, but he won't be here for another few hours." She threw her arms around Allen. "Help me, Allen-kun. I'm so scared. He's really dying."
Allen hugged her back, and Lavi said, "Don't worry. There's no way Yu'll die from something like this."
That was before they went in the room.
Kanda's groans were so soft they couldn't be heard from outside the thick wooden door, but the minute they entered, it was apparent how much he was hurting. He was curled up in the bed, quivering with a combination of abdominal pain and the intense chills that still racked his body. Everything hurt; with every breath, not only his lungs but all of his insides screamed.
Allen gaped and Lavi covered his mouth and said in a muffled voice, "Shit…"
Lenalee walked slowly over to the bedside and put her hand on Kanda's head. She looked at them, tears she wouldn't let fall yet glistening in her eyes. "W-We won't know for sure until Nii-san comes, but… I don't think he has much longer."
The two took the hint and gathered around the head of the cot, each putting a comforting hand somewhere appropriate.
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Komui took out his traveling medical kit, already fairly certain of the diagnosis. He hadn't personally seen an infection get this out of hand before, but it did happen, and with his theory about Kanda's immune system, it wouldn't be surprising if it had spread all over his body like this.
"You might want to leave the room," he told the exorcists. They didn't argue.
At the first scream that came through the wall, the two boys winced, and Lenalee choked back a sob and sank to the floor with her hands covering her ears. By the time Komui called them back in, Lavi was looking depressed, Lenalee's face and clothes were soaked in salty water, and even Allen, with his loathing for Kanda, was fairly shocked and disturbed.
They came in as Komui was apologizing, a heartbroken look on his face. "I'm truly sorry, Kanda-kun. I wish it wasn't necessary."
Gasping and coughing blood, Kanda could hardly respond. The dark liquid pooled in lines on his bare chest, where Komui had been pressing lightly to back up his hypothesis.
Lenalee's dream flashed in her minds eye while she cleaned the blood from his body. She was almost surprised, but certainly grateful when she found there were no wounds under the splatters.
"So what's the story, Komui?" Lavi asked.
The Supervisor adjusted his glasses and said what they'd all been dreading. "He's not going to make it through this.
"The infection is spreading through his body, through his blood stream. It's likely his internal organs are already suffering pretty heavily from it, his lungs in particular. Any medication I give him now won't do any good," he said before the protests could come. "An anesthetic is the only thing that will help."
"Isn't there… isn't there an easier way? So he won't have to suffer?" Lenalee hated herself, knowing what she was suggesting. But having him gone outright would be so much less painful than watching him writhe in agony whenever the painkillers wore off, for days, maybe even weeks before his body completely succumbed to the infection.
"I won't euthanize him, Lenalee. I can't. Physically and morally. It would be easier, but I just can't."
She squeezed Kanda's hand and started crying again. "I understand, Nii-san."
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It was an open casket at the funeral. Aside from the icy look of his skin, he looked peaceful and natural. His hair was still in its signature pony-tail; he wouldn't have wanted it down in death. His long exorcist's coat was buttoned up to his chin, as it always was. It was important that no Innocence that could chose another host was wasted, so Mugen was not with him. A substitute blade he would have been furious with was at his side on the way to the furnace.
He did not die quickly like other exorcists, mauled by high level Akuma or the near invincible Noah. It had taken ten days, seven of them without sufficent oxygen as his lungs became more and more dysfunctional. The last dose of painkiller still sat in his inflamed arteries. All his internal organs were present, though if they were examined they would be found useless and shriveled, and there were no wounds, but for that faithful one on his hand.
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