Departed, Dearly

My heart hurts. A searing pain, a vast heavy weight, my chest feels like a lake of molten lead. My body shakes, not from cold but because I'm too weak to hold my mussels still. My thoughts tumble and my body trembles all while my mind screams over and over.

He's looking at me with near childlike concern, his eyes not as dull as they've been the last few days. That should be a good sign, right? He has more energy, he's been responding when people talk. So why is it that I feel this foreboding dread set about me. He looks at me as I tremble, and I break.

My left eye waters, and a tear slides down my cheek, briefly uniting with the corner of my mouth before fleeing to my jaw, and then abandoning me entirely as it drips to the floor. It happens again and again and again. My face is wet with tears, my throat choking out not-so silent sobs.

"Don't leave me." It isn't very loud. I know he hears me. He keeps looking at me with those blue eyes. My eyes. "Please don't leave me."

He manages to sit up a bit. He's shaken by my display of emotion- I stopped crying around him a long time ago. I still confided in him, he was still my rock, my brother with whom I could share anything without fear. But I hadn't cried in front of him for ages.

I'm at the side of his bed. It's strange, I don't even remember moving my legs. I can't see anything, my vision blurred by tears, stinging slightly by salt. And then I'm half on top of him, holding him in a desperate embrace, my chest on his, my arms around him, my legs dangling off the bed and my feet on the floor.

"I can't lose you again."

"Lose me again?" He asks, confused. It's so fucking pathetic. Here he is, in pain, with me practically crushing his ribs by laying on him, and he's trying to comfort me, to get me to explain myself so he can help me feel better. I'm so pathetic.

"You already left once! You and dad left and were gone for what felt like forever. Dad left, and I saw him even less than you. Mommy left every day. I didn't know if she was going to stay gone like dad did. I didn't know if you were going to come back!" I have no idea how much of what I say is coherent. I have no idea how much he can hear with my face nestled into the nape of his neck.

"Takeru," He speaks softly. Not because he's trying to be gentle with me, but because he doesn't have the energy to speak in a normal tone. He hasn't had that much strength for a few weeks. "Takeru, we never left you. When mom and dad split up, they tried their best to make sure we got to spend time together."

"It doesn't matter. I lost my happy family, and with it I lost you and daddy. I lost Angemon, I though I'd lost you to Piedmon. I had to leave Patamon behind. Black WarGreymon nearly killed Angemon, I just..." As I cling to him, I notice how small he feels. He's lost wight, I can feel his ribs poking me. His breathing is shallow. I can't remember the last time I saw him up and moving around.

"Please, Yama. Please don't leave me alone again. What was the point of the universe taking everything away from me, what was the point of me being in so much pain as I worked to get everything back, if you leave me again in the end."

"Takeru," He runs a hand through my hair, playing with the blonde locks like he used to. He's don't exactly what he used to do in the Digital World to comfort me to sleep. Except this time I wouldn't be comforted. "Takeru, it isn't the end. Not really. You've got your whole life ahead of you. School, girls, jobs, a family of your own. You've got years more to go. So this isn't really an end."

"No!" I scream into his neck. I'm sure anyone passing by in the hallway could hear me as well, even with the room's door being closed. "No, Yama! If you leave me, I'm leaving too!"

I lift my head as I speak, intending to glare at him in defiance. The pain on his face, in his eyes, melts my glare in a single, painful heartbeat.

"No." His hand is out of my hair, now gripping my face tightly and forcing me to look at him, forcing me to keep eye contact. "Don't you ever talk that way again. Do you hear me T.K.! I don't give one fucking rat's ass what you think, or how you feel right now. Don't you EVER say something like that again."

I've made him cry. I've made him scream at me, something he's never done. He's obviously in pain from the exertion. I've hurt him even more. And I don't care as long as it means he's hear with me.

Except I do care. Because he's mad at me now, and he's already in so much pain and so weak. I pull my lower body onto the bed next to him, roll off of his torso, and curl up next to him, still sobbing my eyes out.

He's silent again, but rolls onto his side, and wraps what's supposed to be a protective arm around me. And to me, it is protective. His illness be damned, that arm is an impenetrable shield that will protect me from all the evil in the world. From all the horror that awaits in this room.

I don't think either of us fall asleep. How could I, with my brother so close to death. How could he, with me so close, making so much noise. I don't know how much time has passed, but eventually I uncurl my body and pull my head away from him. I look into those orbs of cerulean, and can almost imagine waves crashing about me.

I reposition myself so my head is next to his, our eyes level, our noses touching ever so slightly. "I promise, Yama. I promise that if you don't make it, I won't do anything rash. I... I promise I won't hurt myself because of you."

He stares at me for a long moment. For forever. I feel lost in this moment, and I could honestly say I would have given anything for it to truly last forever. Because that means my brother is still here with me. But the moment ends when he smiles brightly, and places a light kiss upon my forehead. "Thank you, Takeru."

Before the silence can stretch on too far, I speak again.

"Yamato? Will you hold on until I get back?" I ask as I slide gently out of his bed. He looks confused again. His eyes are dull. Glossy almost, and though his head is turned in my direction I feel as though he's looking right passed me. "Please, Yama. At least promise me you'll hold on just a little longer, until I get back."

Another smile, though this one isn't right. It's not real. It's not... It's not my brother. It's just a shell, a motion that's being gone through. But it's all I have. "I'll do my best. Promise."

That's all I need. No, that's a lie. That's nothing close to the response I need, but it's all I'll be getting, and I can't waste what precious time I have left. I book it, top speed out of the room, out of the hallway, practically flying down one flight of stares to the ground level.

I'm outside the hospital. Then a block away, and then three. I'm outside my apartment building, and my breath is outside of me. The elevator is slow, and too bright, and I can feel myself on the verge of tears again. And then I'm home, inside, grabbing my digivice and rudely waking up Patamon.

"Takeru? Why'd you push me off the couch? What's goi-"

"I need you." I cut him off. The raw emotion in my voice, the pain that's clearly written across my face, is enough. Patamon is on my head, hanging on tightly as I make a mad dash back to the hospital.

I can't help but think the worst. Tears are falling freely again, wetting the hot concrete below me as I run. And then I'm at the hospital, in the hospital, on the second floor. In Yamato's room. As the door swings closed behind me, I'm already gripping my digivice. A flash of white, more pure than any light could be, and an angle is standing over my brother.

Yamato looks confused. Angemon looks confused. I'm sure if any of our friends were here, they'd be looking confused too. Except Koushiro, he'd no doubt alrady have figured out my plan.

I look my eyes on Angemon. He used to make me feel so safe. Like my brother. A guardian angel, my very own embodiment of hope. He saved me from Devimon. He saved my from Myotismon. He tried to quell my fears, to banish the encroaching darkness, even when I wasn't aware of it. He protected me against the Dark Masters. He was my hero. My shining angle that proved everything would be alright.

And he wasn't enough.

My crest shines. My eyes are blurry again, stinging even more from the tears. Angemon is radiating pure holy light. My soul is on fire, and I just hurt so much inside. I don't want to lose my brother. I CAN'T LOSE MY BROTHER!

The light is gone. My pain, my emotional turmoil is still there, but less. I have hope. Before my eyes stands HolyAngemon. The sheer power radiating from the mega level Digimon is enough to make my brother look almost healthy.

"Takeru?" HolyAngemon asks, his very voice filling my with joy. That fluttering feeling of hope becomes an impregnable bastion deep within me.

"You can heal him. You did it before, in the Digital world. You're an angel, you're THE angel of hope. Right? So you can heal my brother. You can keep my family together!"

Infinity. Forever. Time stops. The emptiness between when I finish talking and my next heartbeat is a vast, spanning oblivion, an unending silence that emulates a blackhole. My hope is gone in an instant, yet somehow that instant drags on for a lifetime.

"Takeru, death is a natural part of life. It gives meaning to your memories. Purpose to your faith and existence. It is as natural as love, and as pure as light. It is not something to be feared, Takeru. It is the final friend we all must meet, make, and accept."

No. No, no, no. NO! I can't believe what I'm hearing. My savior, my partner Digimon, MY ANGEL is telling me I have to let my brother die? I have to accept that he's abandoning me again.

"No." I'm crying, but my voice is cold. Hard. Menacing. "No, heal him, or I'll never forgive you."

I'm lucky. My brother doesn't hear my words. But HolyAngemon does. My Digimon hears my threat. And he gives in. He turns his full attention to my brother. He crosses his arms, and his wings take on a purplish rainbow aura as HolyAngemon gathers his energy. The energy bursts forwards, cascading across Yamato. "Magna Antidote."

The light aura shines brighter and brighter as more energy is poured into the healing spell. Then the light is gone. HolyAngemon is gone. On the floor, passed out, is Tokomon, the in-training form of Patamon.

"Takeru?" Yamoto looks at me. His eyes, those brilliant blue eyes filled with wonder and life. I run to him, covering the short distance between me and his bed. I'm next to him, hugging him tightly. "Hey, easy now. Not so tight!" Humor can be heard in his voice.

I cry in joy, my face inches from his as I study complexion, his eyes, his very being. "It worked! You're okay!"

"Ya," He says with a small chuckle. "I guess it did."

"Come of, we have to go tell the others. He have to tell mom and daddy!"

"Hey," Yamoto stays on the bed when I stand, and he stays on the bed when I try to pull him up. "Hey, Takeru. I'm actually really tired. Haven't gotten much good sleep in a long time, ya know? Would you mind if I take a nap first?"

I hug him again, forcing him down onto his back with my head lightly on his chest. Like I used to do when I was little and our parents were fighting in the living room. "Ya, okay. Just don't take too long, okay?"

And everything hits me at once. I'm drained. Emotionally, from the fear my brother would die. Physically from the running home and back. Mentally from just everything. A nap sounds like a good idea. My eyes are closed.

I don't see the color leave Yamoto's face. I don't see the pain return as he wraps his arms around me. I don't realize that my angel's spell was just barely temporary, just bought my brother a bit of time, a few moments of clarity.

Yamoto talks to me while I still cry, for joy, because my body doesn't know what else to do. He tells me so many things, and his voice lulls me into a drowsy stupor. With the last bit of my energy, eyes heavy and unable to open, I interrupt him.

"I love you, nii-chan"

And as I fall asleep, I feel him press his lips against the top of my head. I feel his breath hitch, and feel him give a silent sob. The last thing I know before I'm whisked away into Morpheus' real of Dreams, is the soft voice of my brother. The last thing he ever says. "I'm sorry, Takeru."

My heart hurts.