Chapter 1: "Tarred and Feathered"
A/N Everything in this story happens almost a year before the events in my other Zootopia stories, but will be canon with them. So any new readers will have no trouble jumping in while my followers may see a familiar face or two. Enjoy!
"Tarred and Feathered" is a parody of the song "Sleigh ride together". New lyrics by...me!
December 23rd, 8:30am
Judy Hopps waited outside in front of the ZPD academy. She could see the fog coming off her breath from the cold, winter air. It was late December and even Zootopia's different mammal-made eco-climates couldn't stop winter from arriving. The only districts spared were Sahara Square thanks to a giant heater system that kicks in every year and has pipes around it that warm the water that goes off in the sprinklers in the rainforest district. Outside of that, Savannah Central and downtown isn't too different from Tundra Town this time of year.
Judy wasn't shivering too bad as she had a nice, thick jacket on that covered her quite well. Plus, her winter coat had come in and also helped keep her warm and toasty.
She was waiting for a friend. Her best friend in the city, Nick Wilde. The two had recently stopped a mad scheme by the predator-hating Dawn Bellwether who tried to turn the city against all predators. Nick was to be her future partner and was in his last weeks of training. However, it was Kitsmas time and even the hard working students at the academy get a few days off for vacation.
She then heard a deep voice. "Yo!"
She looked around but couldn't find where the voice was coming from. "Down here officer 'Toot-Toot!' "
She looked down and her big, violet eyes spotted a tiny, fennec fox in a thick, winter jacket. It was Nick's long time friend, Finnick.
"Oh! Hey Finn!" Judy said with a smile.
"Finnick" He replied back. "We ain't that familiar toots!" Finnick never cared for Judy much. Her dumb explanation for why the predators were going savage brought nothing but grief for him and Nick for those months she was gone. When she did come back, Nick ended up joining her and is now at the police academy. No time for his old friend anymore. Will he be different now that they're on opposite sides of the law? As soon as Judy came back to Zootopia, it was like Nick had disappeared from his life completely and doing cons without his wingman had proven tough. Very tough.
The situation was now a bit awkward. Judy tried to make small talk. "So...you here to see Nick too?"
"Yup." Was the only reply she got back.
Thankfully, the awkwardness would not last long as they both spotted a red-furred fox walking out the academy doors.
"Nick!" Judy shouted as she ran over and hugged her best friend.
"Hey Carrots!" Nick replied. "Long time, no see!
"Too long! She replied back. She then pointed over to Finnick. "Finn, I mean, Finnick's here too!"
"Hey Finn! Nick replied, but all he got out of Finnick was laughter and pointing. "What's your problem?"
Finnick could hardly contain himself. "Your...Hee-Hee!...Your coat dude! You didn't get it trimmed!"
Judy stood back and couldn't help but laugh herself. "HAHAHAA Oh my gosh Nick! You're so...so...floofy!"
Nick's winter jacket couldn't hide the crazy amount of fur that had grown on him during the last few weeks. They could barely see his face through the thick fur. "Har! Har! Our academy barber got to go on vacation three weeks early! I got stuck looking like this. I wouldn't laugh Carrots. Your fluffy coat makes you look as chubby as your mom!"
She gave him a dirty look. "I happen to think my mother's quite beautiful! Are you saying she's fat and unattractive?!"
Nick backed off. "No, No, Fluff! From those photos you've shown me, I think your mom's ho-errr..quite cu-...very pretty!"
"Nice save." Finnick replied.
"Quiet Junior. Does anyone know where I can get my fur trimmed?"
"There's 'Hairy Shearer's' down on fourth street." Finnick replied.
"That's our next stop then." Nick replied. He then turned his attention to Judy. "I gotta hand it to ya fluff, you ARE a real cop through and through! The physical training has been brutal! However, I've been successful by using my brains more than my brawn."
"Have you been able to beat Rhinowitz in sparring?" Judy asked.
"Let's just say I used my wits against Witz." Nick replied.
Two months earlier...
Nick was in the sparring ring with officer Rhinowitz and ready to go. He was nervous, but he had a plan.
"Listen up, Devil-Fur!" Major Freidkin shouted from outside the ring. "You got just one shot at beating Rhinowitz here! The rules are real simple. Knock him out and you pass! Got it?!"
"That's all?" Nick replied with a smirk.
"That's all?!" Friedkin snarled back. "Don't get cocky you tiny mammal! You're dealing with a rhino! Dang near indestructible!"
"We'll see." Nick replied as he stared down his opponent.
The bell went. Rhinowitz was waiting for nick to make the first move.
"Clap off!" Nick sang as he clapped twice. The lights went out in the room and only then did Friedkin notice that the shutters were closed so no light was getting in.
Rhinowitz was blinded. "Hey! Where'd he go?!" He then felt something leap on the back of his neck while a damp towel covered his mouth. "RRMPH! MRRPH!" Was all he got out before losing consciousness
Friedkin ran to the light switch and flipped the lights back on. She then unplugged the clapper Nick had installed. There, in the middle of the ring was Nick standing above a knocked out Rhinowitz. "What did you do?!" She shouted.
"I used my night vision advantage and knocked him out!" Nick replied.
"That's cheating!" The polar bear snarled.
" 'Knock him out and you pass!' That was your one rule." Nick smirked back. "You never said how."
The major was angry, but admitted defeat. "Fine! You pass! Now get outta here before I change my mind!"
Nick took a bow. "Thank you, Major Friedkin!" He then walked passed her and out the door.
The polar bear smelled something from Nick's back pocket as he left. "Do I smell Chloroform?!"
Back to present day...
"That's cheating!" Judy replied.
"Hey! She said there was only one rule and I stuck to that rule and won!" Nick replied back. "Anyway, how have you been?"
"Busy." Judy replied. "With the brown and black bears on the force in hibernation, they have everyone else working extra shifts." She then let out a deep sigh. "I can't even get enough time off to see my family at Kitsmas!"
"Well that stinks!" Nick replied. "If you'd like, you can spend Kitsmas eve with my family!"
"Your family?"
"Yeah! Me, my mom and Finn here!"
"Finnick's family?"
"I think so. Mom doesn't." Nick said solemnly.
"She hates my guts." Finnick replied.
Judy was surprised. "Why?"
"When I was 12, I ran away from home. Dad was in jail, my mother could no longer afford to keep me and child services was going to take me away. I couldn't let that happen so I ran away. Finn took me under his paw and taught me how to survive on the streets. He's been like a second father to me."
Finnick talked to Judy. "She hated me because I taught him how to hustle and con folks, but for us foxes, it was one of the only ways to survive." Finnick bowed his head in sadness. "I'd love for her to forgive me one day, but I don't think that's ever gonna happen."
Nick picked up his friend and gave him a short hug and rubbed his head. "Cheer up Finn! How about we show Judy that Kitsmas song?!"
"Ehhh." The fennec fox said reluctantly. "I dunno."
"Aww c'mon! We wrote that one together!"
Finnick finally got a bit of a smile on him. "Awww! Okay!" He then pointed at Judy. "Hold on to your floppy ears, cottontail cuz this song's gonna shoot them right off!"
Nick and Finnick then started dancing around each other as they sang the tune.
Just hear those hand-cuffs chinkling! Clink! Clink! Clinking too!
C'mon, it's lovely weather to be tarred and feathered with youuuu!
Outside the crowds are forming and people shouting "BOOOOO!"
C'mon, it's lovely weather to be tarred and feathered with youuuu!
Well we should'na got involved with that money scam!
Now we're running for our lives and we are on the lam!
We sold everyone a snake oil that gave them all the hives...
Now the darn cops are after us and we're running for our lives!
Our cell doors went slammy and cold and clammy are we.
But with good behavior, we'll be out in four months or three.
Until then we'll just go and plan a scam or two.
Because it's lovely weather to be tarred and feathered with youuuu!
The song ended and Judy clapped and cheered. "That was great guys! You're a regular Weird Al Yak-ovic!"
Nick and Finnick took a bow. "Thanks fluff!" Nick replied. "You feelin' better now Finn?"
He gave a smile. "A bit. Yeah. Thanks."
Nick turned his attention back to Judy. "Say Carrots, I was looking up my family history online and found out that I...Nicholas Piberius Wilde am a direct descendant of the legendary Robin Hood!"
Judy bent over laughing.
"It's true!" Nick protested. "He's my super great, great grand uncle on my cousin's side! I guess heroism runs in my veins!"
"Not to mention thievery." Judy added. "Nick, Robin Hood is just a fictional character based on legend, just like Jack Savage!"
"Aw c'mon Fluff! Don't you..." His attention was turned to a news van doing a report in front of several other vans that were piling up with expensive toys.
"Fabienne Growley here for ZNN reporting on the 33rd annual 'Toys for Kits' drive. The founder of the toy drive, multimillionaire Tiberius Kahn of Kahn Industries, will be on hand tomorrow morning to help deliver the gifts to the poor children across our city and the Savanna Central Orphanage."
Nick snarled. His fangs exposed. "Bull!"
"Yes?" A bull passerby asked.
"Oh! Sorry, not you. I meant a certain situation that's a falsehood."
"Ah! Okay. I get that a lot!"
Judy noticed Nick's anger. "Is something wrong Nick?"
"That toy drive is as fake as a three dollar bill! I outta know, me and Finn's three dollar bill scam did NOT go very far...at all!"
"I don't understand."
"I'll fill you in." Nick said. "The toy drive is a huge scam. Me and Finn found out that they've been getting big toy donations from corporations all over the United Plains only for Kahn to either give them to business partners we wants to influence or selling the high in demand toys on E-Hay and in return give the children a bunch of cheap bootlegs and 99 cent store junk!"
"Yeah!" Finn replied. "That cuts in on our honest racket of buying cheap toys from Goodwill and reselling them on E-Hay as collectors items!"
Judy gave nick a dirty look. "Hey! We put up pictures of every toy with an honest description. We just might have fudged out how valuable the toys were. It's not like this phony-artificial baloney toy drive that's ripping off tons of poor children! Not to mention what happened to me."
"Kahn's toy drive affected you in some way?" Judy asked.
"Yeah. I got burned by Kahn's toy drive...literally."
"How's that?" Judy asked.
Nick showed Judy a mark on his right paw pad. "See that? It's a burn mark I got when I was six years old."
Finnick turned to Judy. "And now ladies and gentleman, it's time for another edition of Nick Wilde's tragic childhood."
"Oh shut up!" Nick scoffed at Finnick. "Anyway, we should sit down for this one."
Nick, Finnick and Judy found a bench to sit down at. Nick went into detail about his past childhood trauma.
"The year was 1989. I was six years old and my favorite movie that year was "Batcat" directed by Tim Purrton."
"The one where Batcat had to rescue Vixen Vale from the Jackal?" Judy asked.
"Correct. I loved Batcat. I'd borrow my friends comic books, watched the cheesy 60's show on T.V., but mostly I'd beg my parents for the large Batcat action doll. However, my parents were VERY poor at the time. My mom was working part time at a grocery store and my dad was trying desperately to get his tailoring business off the ground."
"That's where 'Toys for Kits' came in. Kahn's people promised my parents that they would get me a Batcat action doll for Kitsmas. The day arrived and they came to our house with the package all wrapped up in a bow. I opened it up as quickly as I could. It was Batcat...kinda...sorta. It was a large, plastic doll with a horrible paint smell. The package said 'The Spider-Cat of Bat fame', whatever the heck that means and had a picture of Spider-Ram on it. The paint job was all wrong and parts of the screws were coming off the leg. The ugly thing couldn't be more bootleg. Our family got ripped off by Kahn."
"Well..." said Judy. "That stinks, but I wouldn't call it the worst thing."
"Oh it gets worse!" Nick replied. "I tried to make the best of it. My parents always taught me to make due with what you have and be happy and hey! I got a Batcat unlike any of the other kids had. You pressed a button on his back and a tiny light on his chest came on along with a voice saying 'Fire! Fire! Fire! RATATATATAT! Fire!', which would be neat if it wasn't for the fact that Batcat hated guns and never used them."
Nick continued. "Anyway, after a few hours I started to actually like the doll. However, just like the toy itself, the batteries were made of super cheap stuff. I pressed the button one too many times and the battery exploded! The cheap paint made the entire doll catch on fire too and I received third degree burns on my right paw. As you saw with your own eyes, the damage is still there."
"That had to be the worst Kitmas!" Judy replied.
"I'm not even done yet. My mom and dad took me to emergency to have my paw seen to. It cost a good chunk of my dad's savings and it took them all year to pay off the bill. Our Kitsmas dinner that night was peanut butter sandwiches. All because that phony feline, Tiberius Kahn replaced my toy with a cheap knockoff!"
"Couldn't you sue?" Judy asked.
Both Nick and Finnick laughed. "You honestly think my family had the money to take him to court?! With his billions?!"
"Good point." Judy replied.
Nick stood up and looked at the two vans filling with expensive collector's toys that he knew would not be going to the children who deserved them.
"Just ONCE, I'd like those toys to go to the needy children instead of in that terrible tiger's wallet! If I could, I'd just take his vans and take...them...directly..." A sly smile came across Nick's face.
"I don't like that smile!" Judy said. "You've got some kind of con planned, don't you?!"
"I LOVE that smile!" Finnick added. "What ya got planned Nick?"
Nick put his arms around his friends. " My dear friends, let's go someplace private to talk. We are gonna pull off my biggest scheme ever! Like my great ancestor, we are gonna rob from the rich and give to the poor!"
"I call it...'Operation: Santa Paws!' "