Secrets
As soon as she could slip away from Nathan's "Back from the Dead" party, Audrey headed upstairs to her room. The events of the day had left her physically exhausted and emotionally drained. Seeing Nathan dead had been almost more than she could bear. Admitting that she loved him, then having to step aside for Jordan was difficult, but Nathan alive with Jordan was better than Nathan dead. Still, it hurt to see him in the other woman's arms.
After a hot shower Audrey wandered out onto the balcony, hoping the night air would help clear her mind. Looking out toward the harbor she saw the Cape Rogue and wondered if Duke was still downstairs or if he had gone to the boat for some much needed rest. The Gull was silent and dark; she assumed he was probably in his bed by now.
She had hurt her friend, too, with her admission today. In Colorado, Duke had told her he knew she loved Nathan and assured her he accepted it, but Audrey knew it had hurt him to hear her say it out loud.
Other thoughts began to creep in; thoughts of Nathan, and Jordan - where they might be right now, what they might be doing. Audrey knew Nathan had a plan; she trusted him, but how far would he go to get the information he needed?
Information to help her.
"Enough! You're going to drive yourself insane!" Audrey paused, laughing dryly, "Great, now I'm talking to myself. I am insane."
Looking back out over the dark water, Audrey's mind drifted back to that night in Colorado and the way Duke had made her feel as he made love to her. At one point she had hesitated, made a feeble attempt to stop before things went too far. Then Duke pulled her back against him, assuring her this was nothing more than a physical release for the stress they were under, had been under, for so long.
But she knew. She could see it in his eyes when he'd looked down at her. He loved her. He had said he'd do anything she needed him to and he meant it - including loving her without asking for her love in return.
She had known Duke cared for her, but until that night she hadn't realized he was in love with her. What happened between them in that hotel room should never have happened - not simply because of her love for Nathan, but because of Duke's love for her. Audrey knew she had used Duke that night and worse, she was afraid she had given him false hope, in spite of his own statements to the contrary.
The way Duke had looked at her made her feel powerful and strong, but treasured and safe at the same time. Audrey couldn't help but compare that to the way she had felt tonight - helpless and alone - watching Nathan walking away to be with Jordan.
Without conscious thought, she moved toward the stairs - walking, and then running toward the dock. She arrived out of breath and unsure of what she was going to say.
"Hey Duke! I was just out for a walk and found myself in the neighborhood…"
No, he wasn't going to buy that. He'd take one look at her face and know she was hurting and he'd want to fix it.
"Audrey? Is that you?"
Startled, Audrey almost ended up in the water, again.
Duke sat in that stupid lawn chair, his feet propped on a crate, looking at her quizzically.
"Yeah, it's me. I, um, needed some air so…"
Audrey let the sentence trail off awkwardly.
"So you decided to walk all the way down here from the Gull, instead of sitting out on your balcony?"
Realizing how foolish she sounded but not caring, Audrey gave Duke a defiant look. He saw through it.
"Audrey, Come here."
Duke put down the beer he'd been nursing and now had one arm outstretched. The other rested along the back of the chair, clearly creating a space for her – an invitation. It was tempting; too tempting. She had come down here to talk, not to further complicate her life. Or his.
Crossing her arms to calm herself, Audrey stood her ground.
"Seriously? "Come here?" Does that usually work for you? I'm not a child, Duke, or a dog. I don't just come when called."
Audrey knew she sounded defensive, making too much of his simple words, especially when what she wanted right now was to be held tightly, and to be reassured. She wanted to be made to feel as though there was no other woman in the world but her, in this moment. But she held back. This was not going to be like Colorado. She was not going to use Duke again, the way she had that night, as a substitute for Nathan. Damn him for being so accommodating!
Again, softly, Duke repeated the words.
"Audrey, come here."
Duke hadn't moved from his position in the chair, waiting for her. Audrey looked at her friend, saw again his unreserved love. She stepped onto the boat, walking to stand in front of Duke, just out of reach.
"Duke,…"
"Shhh."
Leaning forward Duke took her hand, pulling her closer; Audrey stopped just short of his lap. As inviting as it was, she was afraid of where it might end. Instead she pushed aside Duke's feet, making a place for herself on the crate.
Duke let out a long sigh and contented himself with holding her hand, stroking her palm with his thumb, waiting for Audrey to tell him why she was really there. He didn't believe for a minute she was out for a stroll to take in the night air.
Once seated, Audrey kept her head bowed, intentionally averting her face. After a few moments, she gave in to the tears and her body began to shake. She felt Duke respond, his fingers tightening around hers.
"Damn it, Audrey, come here!"
Duke's loud whisper of frustration was Audrey's undoing. She allowed him to pull her into his arms; he held her tightly, in spite of the awkwardness of her position on the crate, kissing the top of her head and stroking her hair, while she wept hot tears into the soft cloth of his shirt. Her tears were for Nathan, whose Trouble had isolated him for so much of his life, causing him to retreat behind a shield of stoicism, like a turtle drawing into its shell; they're for Duke, who had been treated as an outcast for so long he was starting to believe he deserved it; they're for all the things that had gone wrong since her arrival in Haven. And finally, because she felt in this moment she could, Audrey cried for herself - for all that she had found and was about to lose.
When there were no more tears left in her body, Audrey stilled and settled into the wet spot against Duke's chest. At some point, without her realizing it, he had maneuvered her sideways on the crate and pulled her closer. Duke was still stroking her hair, occasionally dropping a tender kiss on her ear or the top of her head. Audrey knew she should get up but she wasn't quite ready to leave this comforting, safe space he had created for her. She breathed in the scent of the organic sandalwood soap she knew he favored.
"Just a bit longer. Then I'll get up."
After a few moments Audrey registered the sound of music; music that it had a decidedly country western sound.
"I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane"
Audrey was aware Duke had a stereo in his cabin and that he sometimes brought a speaker out on deck with him. But she knew his taste in music usually ran to blues, or rock from the 70's. It didn't seem possible that what she was hearing could be coming from Duke's stereo, but there was no other explanation.
Raising her head elicited a groan of disappointment from Duke, and earned her a glare, which he quickly replaced with the indulgent smile he reserved for her.
"Duke, is that music coming from your stereo?"
"Yes, Audrey, I do believe it is."
Duke looked resigned and only slightly embarrassed.
"Who is it?"
"Why, that's Waylon effing Jennings."
Audrey raised one eyebrow at the expletive, spoken softly, in what sounded oddly like a southern accent; as though Duke were quoting someone else. He placidly ignored her reaction.
Curious now, and only half believing what she was hearing, Audrey got up and followed the sound below deck. Sighing wearily, Duke got up and trailed behind her.
Audrey entered the stateroom and quickly located the stereo against the wall. Approaching it, she found a stack of vinyl albums. She flipped through them, not recognizing the names -Tammy Wynette, George Jones, Merle Haggard. They looked old, some of them perhaps older than she. An empty Waylon Jennings sleeve rested on top of the pile. Duke had come up behind her and stopped. He stood there, feigning nonchalance at what she thought of this new discovery, but she could see a slight blush creeping up his neck.
"So, this is a side of you I never expected."
"Yeah, well, we all have our secrets."
Audrey smiled a little at the mention of secrets. Duke grinned ruefully, then looked away.
Turning her attention to the worn albums Audrey tried to reconcile this type of music with what she knew about her friend. A thought occurred to her.
"Did you lose a bet?"
"No, Audrey, I didn't lose a bet. They were … sort of …an inheritance."
Seeing a haunted look come into Duke's eyes, Audrey knew she should stop but she didn't.
"From your dad?"
Duke chuckled, and shook his head. Clearly the question had amused him.
"No. Simon Crocker wouldn't have listened to country music if you tied him up and gagged him. These were … from someone else."
"Oh. Well, they look …"
"Audrey, let it go. Please?"
The haunted look was back in his eyes and although Audrey really wanted to know the cause of that look, she knew Duke wasn't going to tell her anymore tonight.
It was late and Audrey knew she should be getting back to the Gull. She felt calmer now and was sure she'd be able to sleep, at least for the few hours left before dawn.
"I should go."
Duke nodded and started toward the door with her.
"I'll walk back with you."
"No, Duke, I'll be fine. I'm a grown woman. I can take care of myself."
Audrey gave Duke what she hoped was a calm, confident smile. She wasn't sure but he seemed to buy it.
"All right then, if you're sure. I'll see you at the Gull this evening. Cook you a real dinner. You can't live on cupcakes, you know."
Audrey smiled weakly, recalling the first time he offered to make her dinner.
"If I'm not working late, saving the world, sure."
"Bring Nate with you. He could use a good meal too."
Audrey knew what that cost him and her heart broke just a little for him.
"Good night Duke."
"Good night Audrey."
After Audrey left, Duke walked over to the stereo, reaching underneath to pull out a small wooden box. He blew lightly to disburse the fine layer of dust that had settled on its top reminding Duke of just how long it had been since he last opened the box. He opened it, breathing in the scent of the incense that indicated the box's original purpose, though now it was home to a stack of aging photographs of a red-haired woman and a younger version of himself. Briefly Duke touched her face in the topmost photo, the last one he had of her, and then moved the whole stack aside to reveal a cassette tape labeled Eileen 2003.
Duke held the tape for a moment, looking at it, before making a decision. He laid the cassette on top of the stereo, placing the box back under the table.
Walking over to a cabinet, Duke took down a bottle of Jameson and a glass. After pouring himself a good portion he returned to the stereo. He raised the glass as though in salute.
"This one's for you, darlin'. I miss you every day."
Duke downed half the liquid in his glass. He then slotted the cassette into the tape deck and pushed "play."
A woman's voice, untrained but strong and sultry, drifted out of the speakers.
Closing his eyes, Duke let her memory wash over him.
Do you still get a thrill when you see me comin' up the hill, honey now do ya? Aww, Do ya?
Do you whisper my name just to bring a little comfort to ya? Do ya?
Do you still like the feel of my body lyin' next to, oh, ya?
Well I guess what I'm askin' is do ya still love me?