A.N: This was inspired by several things. One: my good friend Leo writing Avenue Q / Hetalia fic. Two: Monty Python's pure awesomeness Three: Lack of Sleep (yes this is reoccuring. deal with it) Four: the need to write this crack
In this Chapter. King Arthur and Squire Antonio meet a Belgian and Australian castle guards and discuss important things like migration and coconuts.
Scene 1
The wind was blowing through the grass and trees in the quaint countryside, somewhere in the distance the faint sound of a galloping horse could be heard
Well, it was supposed to sound like one anyway.
«Whoa there!» Arthur said and halted his loyal Spanish companion and squire Antonio.
Antonio made a few more clip-clop noises with the two coconut halves before grading to a halt in front of the large caste his 'king' had seen
Suddenly a castle guard appeared, his dark hair sticking ever so slightly up and with a small bandage across his nose. «Halt Mate! Who goes there?»
Arthur scoffed before regaining his composure. «It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!» He'd practised this speech several times since having been crowned and he rather did like his full title.
The young guard didn't seem impressed. «Mate, Pull the other one!»
«Oh but I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy.» Arthur motioned towards the Spaniard. «uhh...my name is Antonio...not 'Patsy'» Arthur just waved the man away, focusing on the young guard instead. Antonio frowned but said nothing more.
«We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.»
The guard looked confused «What, ridden on a horse?»
«Yes!» Was it really that hard to believe? Did this guard not ride horses where he came from?
Unbeknown to Arthur, The castle guard was more a-keen to riding kangaroos than horses, and everyone knows kangaroos make the sound of a pogo stick, not coconut halves.
«You're using coconuts!» The dark haired guard pointed accusingly at the two travellers.
«What?» Arthur was taken back by this statement.
«Yeah Mate, You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.»
What was the big deal about that? Arthur tried not to frown too much, he was a king! Kings did not frown.
«So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through-» He didn't get to finish before he was rudely interrupted
«Where'd you get the coconut?»
«We found them.» Arthur stated very matter-of-factly. He was English after all.
And also a king. Did I mentioned that?
Very important. Kings I mean, not me mentioning things.
The odd accented guard looked confused «Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!»
Arthur was getting impatient now. «What do you mean?»
«Well you see Mate, this is a temperate zone.» the guard waved his hands around him. How could this 'king' person not know such basic geography!
The guardsman was getting on his nerves, time to bless the man with some wise and mystical quotes «The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.»
This only seemed to confuse the guard more «Mate...Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?»
This was getting ridiculous, all he had wanted was to speak to the master of this castle! Not discuss coconuts with pesky guards. «Not at all, they could be carried.»
«What...a swallow carrying a coconut?» The guard scratched his bandage over his nose as if he was in deep thought about this topic.
«It could grip it by the husk you bloody idiot!» He was growing tired of this discussion – who cared about the coconuts! Arthur had been given a task! And he aimed to full fill it.
«It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.» the guardsman continued his explanation – Arthur figured he had to be one of those damn nature lovers – far too in touch with nature then strictly needed.
Arthur again tried to gear this conversation from coconuts and swallows to the real reason he had halted at this particular spot «Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master
that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.»
«Oi! Listen to me here Mate, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?»
Arthur restored to begging «Please!» He couldn't handle listening to this idiotic youth go on and on about swallows.
«Am I right?» the guard sounded almost cocky, had the other male not been so far up the castle wall, Arthur would have broken the guy's nose – at least then that bandage would be useful for something. Stupid fashion trends the youths today followed...
«I'm not interested!» he shouted up at the guard
«Nee, It could be carried by an African swallow!» A young blonde woman popped up and leant casually against the castle walls, smiling brightly, a green ribbon highly visible in her golden hair.
«Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.» The first guard ran a hand through his already messy hair.
«Oh, ja, I agree with that...» The woman went quiet and pondered the question further, this obviously needed more thought.
Curling his fists tightly, Arthur tried one last time
«Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?»
«But then of course African swallows are not migratory.» The male guard turned to face his co-worker, completely ignoring Arthur and Antonio.
«Oh, oui...» she sighted
«So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...» the guardsman took his swallow facts very seriously.
Arthur groaned and motioned to Antonio to carry on. The two disappeared down the hill and into the misty landscape, until the only sound was the soft 'clip-clop' of two halves of a coconut being banged together.
Meanwhile; the two castle guards where still eager to solve this mystery.
« Wacht even... supposing two swallows carried it together?» that could be a possibility! Right? The female guard was so sure she had this solved.
«Nah Mate, they'd have to have it on a line.» he made a fleeting motion with his hand, trying to empathise the the needed length of line.
«Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!» the young woman grinned happily at her co-worker
«What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?» He gave her a stern glare – he would have to educate this woman in the anatomy of birds later – such blatant disregard for physics and nature simply was not tolerable.
« Well, waarom niet?» She shrugged at her co-worker before heading back inside the guards tower – no use arguing, the strange men where gone. Although that squire had been awfully cute...
Stay tuned
The Quest for the Holy Grail Continues!