The Beginning of the Future
by: AW
Rated PG13 there isn't too much in here, just her thoughts.
Kathryn stared at herself in the mirror. They had now been in the Delta Quadrant for four years. Four years with nothing but hope dashed with disappointment.
They find a way they think they are going to use to get home, only to have it ripped from their hands.
They get letter from home and she gets a 'Dear John' letter.
She sighed and ran her hand through her short hair missing the length it had once had. She looked in the mirror and saw the wrinkles etching their lines in her once smooth skin.
Then there was Chakotay. There has always been something with him; always the possibility of something more. He was certainly willing.
Then she backed away.
Hid in the corner; hid behind protocol.
There were days when she hated that word.
There were days when she depended on that word.
And there were days like today when she wanted to yell "Protocol be damned."
She went to her closet and pulled out an emerald green dress. It made her eyes shine the darkest of blues and brought out the red tone in her hair.
Today she wanted to feel like a woman. Today she wanted to be not the Captain of the lost ship Voyager but a woman, who was in love with a man, who would do anything for her.
A man who was forever hers.
She knew she held no claim to Chakotay and she was aware that if he ever met someone else; her dreams would have to once again fall to the backburner.
She had sworn, after Justin, Cheb, Mark; after each one she had said that she would never do it again. She would never fall in love; she would never let the man take control of her life and of her emotions.
Every time though she fell without realizing it.
It krept up on her and every time she fell; losing her balance and falling once again for a man who would chip away a piece of her and leave her on her own to pick up the pieces minus that bit that he had taken with him.
*I'll never fall in love again...it's like having two souls at the same time.* She thought and then it happened.
And the worst part was then she let it happen. She let him have that bit of her and knew – deep down – that she would never get it back.
She would never be that person again.
Every time a piece went missing it changed her – and not always for the better.
Kathryn touched up her makeup and made her way to the holodeck it was her day off and she was going to enjoy it. Chakotay had the bridge and she was determined to make her way to the holodeck and enjoy the company of Leonardo daVinci.
He was as close to a man as she was going to have.
20 minutes later Kathryn found herself stopping by the mess hall for a snack before heading to the holodeck.
In the corner Harry and Tom were on their lunch break staring at Kathryn as she walked into the room.
Tom did a double take and then whispered to Harry, "She cleans up nice. That is our Captain isn't it?"
Harry turned a bring red. "Yes that's her and everyone knows who she belongs to."
Tom shook his head, "Too bad she doesn't know it."
On the other side of the room Kathryn stared at her two senior officers as she ate her soup and let a tear roll down her cheek. *Even on my days off – when I am not 'the Captain' they won't approach me.*
She finished her soup and headed to the holodeck.
Master DaVinci was painting a picture of a beautiful swan taking its flight off the river before him.
Kathryn smiled at the image before her and sat down to watch the master at work in awe of what was being put out before her.
Finally Leonardo turned at the quiet noises of sadness coming from the corner of his workshop. "Katarina! I did not hear you enter."
Kathryn plastered a smile on her face hoping to fool the wise hologram. "I had a day off work on the ship and decided to come and pay you a visit when we came into port."
He laughed, "Merveilloso. I was wondering when you would come back to visit."
She had to smile at his exhuberance. "Oh maestro I always enjoy your company."
He looked at her seeing a sadness in her demeanor. "Is your Mark home yet?"
She could not help the tears beginning to flood down her face at this point as she shook her head.
DaVinci approached her and tilted her head up to look in her clear blue eyes. "It is not Mark that you are crying for is it Signorita?"
Kathryn let a sigh escape her and shook her head, "Not anymore Maestro."
He let a smile chisel its way onto his aged features, "The man with the tattoo?"
She tilted her head at the perceptiveness of the hologram, that even a man whose reality was a program representing a place in the past could see through her turmoil shocked her. She drew in a deep breath and nodded for the first time accepting it and admitting it to herself. It had not been Mark for almost the whole Voyage. He no longer held a place in her dreams.
He stared at the Captain. "Tell him yes. Even if you are dying of fear, even if you are sorry later, because whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life if you say no."
Kathryn looked at him clarity and understanding filling the void and realizing that Chakotay's shift was done now and he was not due on the bridge until noon tomorrow. This was her chance the maestro was right.
His words of encouragement were etched in her brain a line pertaining to Chakotay and never to the many she had had before that.
Kathryn exited the holodeck and made her way toward her quarters and his quarters. She walked into her quarters and realized that what she was wearing was much too confining for what she had in mind.
She got a pad out and stared at it. Finally she wrote down a simple phrase and sent it to him. Tell him yes. Even if you are dying of fear.
It was not much but hopefully it would pique his curiosity and maybe answer his questions.
It didn't take him as long as she thought. His reply was quick; a question mark. Nothing more nothing less. This was his answer. He had no idea what she was thinking.
Not realizing that she had finally let the walls down.
Not realizing that she had finally realized that he was her other half.
She inserted the rest of the quotation leaving no room for error. Even if you are sorry later, because whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life if you say no.
The answer to every question and the response to every query he had ever made to her "No" was no longer there.
When one simple word was taken out of the equation, it was no longer a question of if but when.
She smiled and let the slit in her dress show off her shapely legs as she waited for his response.
One word was given the answer to her prayers, "Finally."
And she knew that for once Kathryn had one.
Kathryn had finally beat out the overwhelming presence of the Captain.
For once in her life she knew that she coud not live in the present for a future that may never happen.
They may never get home but in this moment, he was here and so was she and that was all that mattered.