Author note: Due with the guild's conversations (you know who you are) and watching random videos from boredom, I was inspired to create this songfic. The original main character was Raven from FE7: Blazing Sword. However, I think Soren was more suited to this than Raven himself.

In addition, please do not flame me if you think this is offensive. I am not saying that Soren is gay or making fun of homosexual and/or yaoi. This is due to the boredom and crazy mind of my own. So please, do not flame me if you think this is offensive. There is nothing offensive in this songfic. Just a parody songfic.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fire Emblem or the song and play script from Avenue Q. Those belong to their rightful owners.

Before you read the songfic, here's a note to let you know which style is who singing.

Normal is Soren

Italic is Gatrie

Bold is Shinon

Underline is Gatrie and Shinon

The reason why I'm placing this is to let you know who is singing. You will see it as you are about to read.

"Ah… I can finally finish my book, General Compositional Theory of Anima, Volume 8." Soren smiled as he entered his tent.

After weeks of battling against the Daein army and were heading to Crimea, the Greil's Mercenaries and the Begnion army had managed to find a quiet area to rest.

The units were resting and tending their wounds, gathering their strengths for the upcoming battles. Some units went to the outskirt of the camp, practicing their fighting to become stronger. And few units went to scout the area in search of food and looked out for enemies.

While the units were resting and Ike with Elincia to discuss the future of Crimea, the sage could finally finish his book he had been dying to read.

As he lit the candle and placed it in the hung lamp, Soren went to his chair and opened his book.

"With no enemies nearby and no one to bother me, I might be able to finish my book before dinner." Soren said. "Could this get any better?"

But before Soren could read, he heard a loud laugh followed with a grimacing voice. The next thing he knew, Shinon entered with a scowl look in his face. Behind the sniper was Gatrie, laughing so loud as if he had heard a funny joke.

"Shut up, Gatrie! It's not funny!" Shinon yelled.

Holding Shinon's shoulder for support, Gatrie replied hysterically. "But it's so funny! I mean- HAHAHAHA!"

"I said shut up, you fool!" The sniper snapped.

"Um… Excuse me?" The sage said.

Unfortunately, neither the sniper nor the knight heard Soren.

"I mean- He- And then you- HAHAHA!"

"I said-"

"Enough!" Soren yelled.

Both Gatrie and Shinon stopped what they were doing and noticed that they were in Soren's tent. The sage slowly closed his book, despite how much he wanted to read, and got up.

"Now, what is this about?" Soren questioned.

"Nothing," Shinon answered, turning his attention from the sage. "It's none of your concern."

Soren blinked.

"Okay, then." Soren spoke as he sat down again. "If you have nothing to say, then please leave. I have a book I want to finish and I do not want to be disturbed."

"Will do," the sniper replied as he quickly turned around to leave. The knight had a different mind to say.

"Hey, Soren. You'll never guess what happened to Shinon this afternoon."

"Gatrie!" Shinon yelled as he stopped near the exit.

The knight let out a huge grin as he continued talking. "One of the Begnion army was smiling at him and talking to him."

"Gatrie…" Shinon's voice trailed with venom.

"That's nice to know." Soren replied before turning his attention to his book and opened it. Maybe he would be able to read his book while pretending to listen to Gatrie's conversation. It was not like there was anything interesting around with the war going on.

"This soldier was being really friendly to Shinon. Giving out flattering comments, grinning like a child on sugar, touching his-"

"I said shut up!" The sniper snapped.

Then again, Soren was wrong about that. He had never heard such odd behavior from this particular soldier. The sage made a mental note of checking this soldier's status and behavior of whether he was qualify to continue fighting with them.

"Gatrie, what are you talking about?" Soren questioned.

"I'm talking about the Begnion soldier coming onto Shinon."

"What?" Soren confusingly asked.

"Enough!" Shinon yelled with red flushes across his face. "How was I to know that he thought I was gay? It's not like I was showing signs that I'm gay!"

"But it was so funny when he tried to-"

"SHUT UP!"

"So Soren, what do you think?" Gatrie said, ignoring the angry sniper.

"Wh- Why are you telling me this? Why should I care if a soldier is flirting with another?" Soren questioned with his book in front of his face. Behind his book, there were tints of red blushing across his face. He did not want the knight and the sniper to see him blush.

The sage did not understand why Gatrie wanted to bring that topic up. More importantly: why talking to him? Was it because Gatrie found Shinon's humiliation funny? Was it because he was less sociable to the Greil's Mercenaries? Or was it because Gatrie knew his secret?

Soren knew that it could not be himself being Branded. Everyone in the army believed that he had the gift from the Goddess. So could it be his other secret? His secret bout himself being homosexual?

If so, how did Gatrie found out? More importantly, did Soren accidentally showed signs that he was gay? The sage thought he had covered his secret well, especially when being with his crush Ike. Soren made a mental note to be more careful about his secret for the future. But for now, he had to avoid this conversation, wherever this conversation was going.

"Hey, you don't have to get all defensive about it." Gatrie apologized.

"Oh you feel sorry for him, but not I?" Shinon spoke in anger. "You offended me!"

"Well, sorry!" Gatrie sarcastically replied before turning his attention to Soren. "And besides, I thought we might have a decent conversation after all the battles we've been dealing with."

"Sorry, but I don't feel like having a conversation. All I want is to finish my book." Soren said.

"Yeah, but-"

"If you don't have important business to discuss, then leave. I do not want to be disturbed." Soren interrupted before getting his chance to read his book.

"Sheesh, there's no need to be so hasty," Shinon said to Soren.

"That's okay, Shinon. We should go." Gatrie replied before turning his attention to Soren as he walked up to him. "But just so you know…

If you were gay,

That'd be okay.

I mean 'cause, hey,

I'd like you anyway."

"Gatrie, what are you talking about?" Soren questioned as he moved away from the knight.

"Don't you get it?" Shinon asked annoyingly. "The bloke said that it's okay to be gay. After all…

"Because you see,

If it were me."

"Not you too!" Soren cried.

"I would feel free

To say that I was gay."

"But he's not gay."

"Listen, you two. I am trying to read. So if you don't mind, leave. I wish not to be bothered." Soren sneered as he closed his book, got up from his seat, and pointed at the exit of his tent.

"Well… Okay," Gatrie said as he walked pass Soren.

"Fine then, be that way." Shinon scoffed and followed Gatrie.

The sage went back to his seat and opened his book. Finally, he had his peace and quiet. No more disturbances. No more people bothering him. And furthermore, no more awkward conversation such as being okay to be gay openly… So why did he had an odd feeling that he was being watched?

As Soren slowly turned his head around, he saw the grinning look of Gatrie and a sly smile from Shinon. Giving both the knight and the sniper a glare, the sage questioned annoyingly.

"What?"

"If you were queer."

"Shinon!"

"We'd still be here."

"Look, I'm trying to read this book!"

"Year after year."

"Now, listen!"

"Because to us, you're dear."

"Argh!"

"And we know that you."

"What?"

"Would accept us too!"

"I would?"

"If we told you today."

"Hey! Guess what?"

"We're gay!"

"But we're not gay."

"This is ridiculous!" Soren scowled as he got out of his seat. But before he could leave, he was grabbed by Gatrie on the shoulder and being pulled next to him. Shinon leaned his arm on Soren's other shoulder.

"We're happy

Just being with you."

"Oh, for the love of Goddess…"

"So what should it

matter to us."

"What you do in bed

with guys?"

"Guys! That's disgusting!"

"No, it's not!" Shinon smirked.

"Because after all…" Gatrie trailed.

Within seconds, Soren felt his arms pulled from either side. His arms were hung over the shoulders of the knight and the sniper. He began to blush when he felt two arms from either side wrapped behind his waist. Then Gatrie and Shinon began to kick as if they were dancers giving a show. ((Just think like saloon girls dancing in the Wild West.))

"If you were gay,

We'd shout hooray!"

"I'm not listening!"

Soren cried as he pulled himself away from the knight and the sniper. He quickly covered his ears with his hands.

"And here we'd stay."

"La la la la la!"

The sage quickly ran toward the exit of his tent. However, he was pulled back by Shinon and Gatrie. The next thing Soren knew, he was being swung back and forth.

"So count on him and me

To always be

Beside you every day,

To tell you it's okay,

You were just born that way,

And, as they say,

It's in your DNA,

You're gay!"

"BUT I'M NOT GAY!"

Soren screamed at the top of his lung. Suddenly, he felt loose grips around his arms, making him somewhat flying out of his tent. The sage fell down face-front on the ground, feeling the force pushed back at him. White light was shining through his eyes as his head was swimming in dizziness. When the pain and dizziness were gone, he slowly got up.

Before he could dust himself, Soren saw Gatrie and Shinon coming out of his tent.

"If you were gay."

"ARGH!"

The sage cried out in angst and frustration as he ran away, drawing attention and confusion from the Greil's Mercenaries and the Begnion army. He wanted to get away from Shinon and Gatrie. He wanted to get away from the awkward situation. He wanted to know why the Goddess was making him miserable.

Whatever the reason was, all Soren wanted was to read his book without disturbance. He did not understand why Gatrie and Shinon wanted to have a conversation with him since they rarely talked. He did not understand how they figured him out if he was a closed-closet homosexual. In fact, he did not know whether or not they knew he was gay.

Suddenly, he felt a great impact that knocked him back to the ground. Dizziness swam in his mind as he struggled to get up. Soren later felt a hand wrapped around his arm. The sage looked up to the owner of the arm and felt the flush spread across his face.

Both embarrassed and flustered, Soren realized that he had run into Ike.

"Are you okay?" Ike questioned as he pulled Soren up.

"Y-yes, I'm okay." Soren stammered.

The leader of the Greil's Mercenaries cocked his eyebrow. "Are you sure? I heard you screaming. Not to mention, running into me. Is there a problem?"

"No! No! There's no problem," Soren quickly answered. The last thing Soren wanted was Ike to know why he was screaming.

"You're sure?" Ike asked, doubting Soren's answer seriously.

"Yes, there's no problem at all."

"Then why do you scream? It sounded like you were in trouble."

"In trouble, you said?" Soren repeated. The sage could feel his heart pumping faster. Somehow, he wished Ike were not as much observer as he was. He really did not want Ike to know.

"Well, I can assure you that there's no trouble at all. I was just frustrated of not finding… any peace and quiet around here. Yes, frustrated. I can't find a decent place to read my book without any interruption. People keep coming back and forth of my tent, wanting to have my help or have a conversation. They wouldn't even take no for an answer."

Please, take it seriously. Soren thought with plead. He hated trying to dodge Ike, but he did not want Ike to know what was going on that would lead to his secret, especially about him have a crush on Ike.

"Okay, then…" Ike trailed. "Well, if you need a quiet place to read, you can use my tent. I rarely stay in my tent and I have to discuss with Tanith about the Begnion troops."

"Thank you, Ike." Soren said. In the back of his mind, the sage was relieved that the commander's son took it. As he turned around and walked, he heard his name being called.

"Yes, Ike?"

"Soren if you have any problems, you know you can come to me and discuss. I don't want you feel burdened all by yourself."

"… Very well, I will do so in the future. Now, if you excuse me, there's a book that I wish to read." Soren excused himself quickly.

He knew that eventually, he would have to tell Ike about his secret. After all, Ike did make a point. Soren did not want to burden himself. Maybe someday in the future, the sage would tell him.

However, right now, Soren would go to Ike's tent and read- He forgot his book. The sage had forgotten that he had dropped his book when trying to escape from the knight and the sniper. Fearing that those two would still be in his tent, he had to think of another way to past the time.

He did not want to go with Ike if Ike had some questions about what happened before. He did not want to waste his energy scouting the area if case the enemies were nearby. The sage also did not want to waste his energy on tending the wounds. Besides, Mist and Rhys were there to tend the wounds. All that left to past the time was practice.

Soren had already perfected his magic. He could practice healing, but he was not as good as Mist was when she first started healing. He guessed that he could try knifing skills as Volke and Sothe. He had always wanted to try melee fighting in case he had no magic left in him. Now, all he need was someone to practice…

And he knew two people he could practice. With a sly smile on his face, Soren went off to search for Gatrie and Shinon. After all, he needed practice partners. Not to mention, he had the tendency urge to stab.

Well, I hope that you enjoy this songfic. Feel free to comment about this songfic. But remember, please do not flame me if you think it's offensive. I did said I did it out of boredom.