Title: Top 10 Lines Never Said in a Star Trek Film
Word Count: 1,881
Rating: PG-13(?)
Warnings: over abundance of humor, drug-abuse, cross dressing, unbeta'd

Summary: Based on a David Letterman's Top 10: How about a story using all the top ten lines never spoken in a Star Trek film/episode?
Notes: Naturally I said FUCK THE HELL YES. This is more like a sporadic collection of drabbles than anything else.

10

In the main mess, by some fluke of mistyped reprogramming on the part of engineering, the food replicators were producing food only from Terran fast food chains. Burgers, fries and chicken nuggets were rampant.

The "glitch" was causing something like mayhem to break out on the Enterprise. Turmoil split the crew, half enjoying the glitch and the other half disgusted with the results. Captain Kirk assured the crew the problem wouldn't last any longer.

Scotty agreed, it was simple enough to fix, but it didn't mean he liked it. He hadn't had a greasy burger like that in nearly three years, damned near divine it was.

So he went to work like he always did when the Enterprise was having a bad case of the hiccups. As soon as he had fixed the glitch, Scotty was running down the halls as fast as his legs would take him. He only had so much time before he could make it.

"Sir?" called Heardon, a young ensign who had the misfortune of being shoved out of the way for the turbolift.

Scotty grabbed the young man's shoulder and stared him dead in the eye. "Warp factor 8! Arby's closes in 10 minutes," he cried and darted into the just closing doors of the lift.

9

"Okay, so what's happening now?" Jim asked hurriedly, sitting down next to Sulu. The pilot looked up from the controls.

"We're entering a breach in the space-time continuum or a wormhole or some crazy crap like that," he replied blandly, looking back down at the display.

"Oh shit!" Jim gasped, leaning over Sulu's shoulder to get a better look. "How'd you get past the dragon? He kept eating me." The game beeped as the wormhole sequence started, the small little blue spaceship zooming through videogame space.

The Japanese man leaned away from the panel, holding up his hands and wiggling his fingers. "Magical fingers, baby," he says, grin and voice all cocksure.

8

Enterprise had been to plenty of whacky planets. They hadn't ever landed on a Federation colony where things were…odd. This specific colony, inhabited by a wide range of life forms was the first "culturally unique" station they'd ever been to.

Everything was painted in vibrant colours, nothing was the usual bland gray or white. People's clothing was just the same, in varying degrees of wild patterns and shapes. It was almost blinding in it's vibrancy.

The crew was glad their shore leave was at least on somewhere interesting if a little off-the-wall. Sulu, Scotty and Chekov were making their first walk through the colony. A man and woman in especially vibrant clothing, tassels and all, passed them.

"Set phasers to fabulous!" Chekov laughed, turning his head to watch the two walk away.

"What?" Scotty barked in shocked, amused bewilderment. He and Sulu had stopped to stare at Chekov.

Chekov looked embarrassed. "What?" he repeated defensively, looking petulant when the two older men began to laugh. "Is what man said to me earlier! I thought it was acceptable turn of phrase."

Scotty and Sulu just laughed harder.

7

It wasn't unusual that the Enterprise had to harbor some diplomat or another. This diplomat just happened to be very unusual, bringing thirteen members of her family with her. 'It's the only way I can work,' was her snappish reasoning, 'I cannot simply be expected to form peace treaties if I am not at peace myself!'

Starfleet desperately needed her expertise, though, to help prevent war. So Enterprise made room and welcomed Mrs. Ustay and her immediate family. Captain Kirk took the prim woman by the arm and lead her (and her family) down the hall to the lift.

The senior officers gathered outside to watch the crowd move away.

"Welcome aboard the Starship Enterprise – today's in-flight movie is 'Big Momma's House 2,'" McCoy said in a mocking, high-pitched tone. He smiled pleasantly at everyone who turned to look at him, showing entirely too much teeth for the expression to be honest. "Please enjoy your stay!"

6

"I can't believe we've been hijacked by pirates!"

"We've been hijacked by Somali pirates," McCoy mockingly replied, squirming uncomfortably.

"What?" Jim snapped, leaning back against the doctor. "Somali?"

"Somali pirates, you know?" Bones responded quickly, in self-defense. "The last kind of pirate to ever sail Earth's seas."

Jim turned as best he could to look at Bones, which was hard, when they were tied facing away from each other. "No, I don't know," he replied smartly, frowning. "Why can't we be hijacked by the normal kind of pirates?"

"You mean the European privateer kind?" was the matter-of-fact question. Jim made a noise of annoyance. "Well, their method is most like Somali pirates not at all like European ones. First of all they used a smaller vessel that was packed with---"

"Wait," Jim interrupted, squirming violently and managing to get his hand free. "How do you know this shit?"

Bones was silent, head turned pointedly away as Jim turned around fully. Realization struck the blond-captain.

"Bones," he said slowly, resting his literally free hand on McCoy's shoulder. "You're some kind of pirate nerd, aren't you."

5

The captain's office was pretty big. It was about the size of Chekov's quarters. It would have been irritating if the captain used it a lot, but he was rarely ever in there. The only occasions Kirk saw fit to use it were during top secret briefings with command or when he was hiding.

Today, he was hiding. Chekov hoped he wasn't giving away the captain's hiding place to the doctor by coming in. Kirk didn't seem to mind, smiling in that peculiar lopsided way that only seemed reserved for the ensign.

"Sir, I'm going to need Saturday off to attend my nephew's Bar Mitzvah," he said, polite as can be.

The captain's smile fell and Chekov went completely still. "Chekov," Jim said, voice flat. "You're Jewish?"

"Yes, sir?"

Kirk smiled, slow and crooked. "The time's yours," he said pleasantly and waved his head in dismissal. It was all Chekov had hoped to hear on the matter, but of course, he should have known better.

A week later, in a normal senior officer meeting Kirk finally brought the subject back up.

"Sir, I believe that if we take route you suggested," Chekov said, leaning forward on the long table to get a look at the captain. "It will make things more difficult time wise. Is better to take shorter—"

"Want to form a committee for it?" Kirk interrupted jokingly, eyes dancing with hidden mirth. A collective sigh went silently through the room.

Chekov didn't know what to say. His mouth opened and closed twice before he sat back in his chair. Sulu shifted surreptitiously in his seat and leaned close to the ensign. "Why the hell did you tell him you were Jewish?" Sulu hissed under his breath.

McCoy, on Chekov's other side, casually moved back in his seat, pretending to listen to what Spock said. "Face it, kid," he said under his breath, "it was only a matter of time before he found out."

"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours, right, Chekov?"

4

"Sometimes I just hate how much of a gossip hole the Enterprise can be," Uhura sighed, glancing around pointedly at the gaggle of girls gathered around her. A few nodded in sympathy, Chapel going so far as to pat her shoulder.

"It's just something people are prone to," the blonde nurse admitted, looking a little guilty herself. "We don't mean any harm by it…"

Uhura made a huffily little sound and nodded. "I don't blame you, girls," she said with a small smile. "I guess you don't have much else to do." The lieutenant gave them all a condescending look and stepped away. "Well, I've got to go meet Spock for lunch, I'll talk to you all later."

The girls dispersed, Chapel and Rand the only two remaining. They both watched the confident swish and swing of Uhura's ponytail as she walked away.

Rand leaned close to Chapel, a dry expression on her face. "My baby-daddy is a Vulcan -– on the next "Maury,"" she says primly.

Chapel doesn't mean to laugh, not really.

3

"The Enterprise just hit a goose – we're gonna have to land in the Hudson," Sulu warned, raising his hand to point it at Kirk and look seriously over it. Except his finger was pointing at the tray of hyposprays next to the bed and Kirk wasn't even in the room.

Chapel sighed and shook her head. McCoy stepped up beside her, raising an eyebrow at the near full sickbay full of tripping out crewmembers.

"I think I remember you warning them about staying away from anything the colonists were smoking," Chapel remarked smartly, looking up at the doctor sideways.

McCoy snorted. "Probably got blinded by all the pretty colours," he replied, amused. He turned on his heel. "Damn kids and all their free love."

2

Captain Kirk was prone to verbal diarrhea. Thankfully, it didn't make itself apparent in polite company. Instead, most of the crew experienced it, making it an everyday factor of life aboard the Enterprise. There was a running record, written in a carefully encrypted PADD in Lt. Uhura's possession, of the best little gems. A rapidly growing betting pool held by engineering on when the day would finally come that the captain slipped up and said something terrible on a diplomatic mission.

Today was a particularly special day in the saga of Stupid Shit that Comes From Our Captain.

"Live long, prosper, and keep on hangin' and bangin'," called as Spock and Uhura left the mess. "Zing!" He turned to Bones beside him and held up his hand for a victory high-five. Bones didn't even look up.

1

It was only a matter of time before they found a planet inhabited only by woman. The planet's social structure was highly volatile, completely unwelcoming to men.

Captain Kirk wanted to explore it anyway, normal male away team and all.

"Dressing in drag is a new experience for all of us," Kirk announced to the four people gathered in front of him. He looked them over, gaze stopping on Chekov and his smile took on a more twisted look. "For some of us, anyway."

Spock shifted beside Uhura. "I'm not entirely sure that this plan will be successful, Captain," he said, eyeing Chekov. The youngest ensign was continually fidgeting with the hem of his uniform skirt. "None of us are particularly…feminine."

"Exactly why we're going to practice," Jim said, as if it should have been obvious. He grinned at them all again. "Uhura, our lovely leading lady, is going to instruct us in the ways of being lady-like."

Uhura rolled her eyes and stepped up in front of them. Kirk took her place beside Spock, patting the man on the shoulder in a way meant to be reassuring. It came off more as harassing.

"Alright, boys," she said, crossing her arms and raising her eyebrow. It was a stance that was all sass. "Let's begin easy." She leveled a finger at the first officer. "When you criticize another lady, it's not about anything but the way she looks," she waved a hand. "Pick someone and give it a go."

Spock raised an eyebrow and turned his head look at the captain. Jim looked surprised, heavily shadowed eyes widening in alarm. "I find your choice of hairpiece highly illogical," he says completely serious.

Jim recoils slightly, pressing a hand against the red bobbed wig, looking vaguely devastated.