To Write Love on Her Arms
One-Shot
The pain weighing on her heart is too much. Over the past two and a half years, she'd lost a lot, she'd hurt a lot, she'd suffered through things that most people can't even conjure up in their worst nightmares. Some nights she'd lie awake begging not to wake the next morning.
The worst part is that she deserves it all, and she knows it… she tells herself everyday as she drags the blade down her arms.
It's a week after the first time 'A' threatens her that Alison takes it out on herself, using a razor to slash away at the skin of her thighs. For months it's the same.
When she leaves Rosewood almost six months later, she thinks that maybe she can finally stop, that maybe she'll get some reprieve, that maybe she won't need to spill her own blood, that maybe she can become someone she doesn't hate.
She's wrong.
Being away doesn't do anything except bring on more hurt. The memories of the pain she'd inflicted on others, and the overwhelming grief of being away from the only person she'd ever cared about (even if she couldn't show it) was almost too much.
Every night she found solace in the blade. Her thighs, her stomach, her arms… all covered in scars.
The day she almost loses Emily is that day she decides she has to quit. Pulling the unconscious body of the girl you love out of a barn can do that to a person.
It's when she leans in and kisses Emily's lips that she remembers she still has something worth fighting for, worth changing for, worth living for.
Lucky for her, she's always been a strong willed person, and it isn't easy to quit, but she manages.
After two and a half years on the run, the night Shana dies, Alison breathes a sigh of relief; because she's made it. Somehow she's stayed alive; won against 'A' and against herself. She makes a promise to herself that this time will be different.
And she gives it all she has.
Alison tries to be a better person and make amends with the people she's hurt, she tries to tell the truth, but it just isn't that easy.
The night she finally admits to Emily that her feelings weren't one-sided is the best of her life. When she rolls over in bed and sees the brunette looking at her like she's the entire world, it's all Alison's ever wanted. And Emily's lips feel like heaven against her own.
Unfortunately everything comes crashing down less than 24-hours later. It's too much. With 'A' back in the game Alison isn't sure how she's going to manage, because the only way to stay one step ahead is to revert back to who she used to be. It kills her, she hates turning back into this person that she hates so much, but it's the only way to keep the people she cares about safe.
When the straw finally breaks and Emily is shouting in her face, Alison feels the last piece of her heart shatter.
After she watches Emily walk away she takes a blade to her skin. It's the first time in a long time, but the release is still the same.
Watching her blood drip she savours the feeling, because she deserves this, deserves to hurt. Cutting is her way of punishing herself and of relieving her pain all at once.
When she realizes that it's not just Emily who's given up on her, it gets worse. Cutting once a day isn't enough, and instead she finds herself slicing at her skin multiple times just to get through the day.
She's at her breaking point.
Now she's standing on the bridge just outside of Rosewood, looking out over the water. In the darkness of the night she can't help but think it would be better to give up.
There is no sense in fighting for her life when she doesn't have anything to live for. She's completely alone. A dead mother, an absent father, a drug addict brother, a fugitive sister, friends who hate her and a lost love that hurts worse than anything she's ever known.
Gazing up at the sky she lets out a silent prayer, she doesn't even know if she believes in God, but at this point anything is worth a try.
'Please, I can't do this anymore…'
Her eyes sting with tears, but she doesn't wipe them away, instead she climbs up onto the railing and dangles her feet over the edge.
She's hit with the urge to jump, to end it all because why not? Everyone hates her, she hates herself. Everyone wants her dead, she wishes she was dead.
Pondering her life she stays perched on the edge, contemplating the jump that will end her life.
She's startled from her thoughts when she hears a tentative voice behind her.
"Alison?"
Discreetly she wipes away tears and looks over her shoulder at the woman who shattered her heart.
Emily stares back at her, fear and confusion in her eyes.
Alison just sighs and turns back towards the water without a word. She doesn't really have anything left to say.
Timidly stepping a little closer Emily stares at the blonde.
"What are you doing out here?"
Not looking away from the water the blonde answers the hesitant question.
"I was just thinking."
"It's not safe for you to be out here alone, what if 'A' would've found you instead of me?"
Emily's voice has taken on a confrontational tone that leaves a bitter taste in Alison's mouth.
"Would it matter if they did? Maybe that would be for the best. And besides last time I checked, you thought I was 'A'?"
Still not looking towards the girl Alison shuts her eyes tightly trying to hold in the tears.
"Alison… I'm… I'm sorry. I never meant to say that, it's just, I don't know what to believe anymore…"
This time she decides not to respond and instead gazes up into the heavens with another whispered prayer.
Emily doesn't move closer, but she longs too. Even with Alison's lies she knows this girl better than anyone, can see the hurt written all over her features, hurt because of her. Somewhere in the distance they hear the sound of someone moving through the forest. It's reminds Emily that the real 'A' is still out there, and that Alison was out here alone, putting herself in danger.
Hurt gives way to anger.
"Alison look at me!"
The fury in Emily's voice is enough to make the blonde turn around.
"Why would you do this? Why would you be out here alone? I know you aren't 'A' which means that whoever is, still wants you dead. You're a sitting target, what if 'A' would've found you?!"
The blonde finally looks into cocoa coloured orbs and Emily gasps when she finally sees Alison's face. She's too pale, her lips are dry and cracked; black circles are heavy under her red rimmed eyes.
"I already told you Emily. Maybe that would be for the best."
Remembering that Alison had already said the statement once, the brunette lets it sink in. Pain shoots through her at what the love of her life is insinuating.
Dumbfounded and unable to speak Emily just stands there.
Deciding it's time to leave Alison swings her legs back over the rail and steps back down onto the bridge.
She'll have to walk right by Emily to leave, but her heart is numb to the pain so without a word she moves forward.
She's careful to avoid the girl's shoulder, not feeling the fury from before when she bumped into her two night ago in Emily's bedroom.
Just as she passes the girl she feels a hand reach out and tightly grip her arm.
Alison tries to shake off Emily's fingers but can't. Sighing she turns around and looks right at the girl.
"Let me go Emily."
"No."
Taking a deep breath she tries again through gritted teeth.
"Let go."
"No."
Emily's voice is so low it's almost a growl.
"Why the hell would you say that?"
Alison can see pain flash in chocolate orbs, but the tone of her voice is alarming.
Struggling to pull away again she answers.
"Say what?"
"That it would be best if 'A' found you?!"
Emily's nearly screaming at her again. Her pulse races, aching for the sting of the blade, it kills her seeing the girl so hurt and upset.
But true to her old self her remark is anything but fragile, even though that's how she feels.
"Because it's true."
This time she yanks her arm as hard as she can, desperately needing to get out of here.
Unfortunately Emily's grip is tight.
The pressure from the brunette's grip causes the cuts on Alison's arm to throb. Trapped and panicking the girl starts to struggle against the taller girl.
Alison tries to shove Emily off of her but nothing seems to work. Just as she's about to do something drastic the struggle causes her jacket sleeve to rise up several inches on her arm.
Emily gasps.
Too late she realizes what just happened, although Emily's shock gives her time to pull away.
Quickly she pulls at the sleeve covering the exposed cuts that burn in the night air.
Panicked, she can't even bring herself to turn and run, she just stands frozen on the bridge, Emily's eyes boring into her.
And it hurts.
When Emily finally manages to speak her voice is so full of emotion, so raw, so hurt, so angry.
"Take off your jacket."
The words are as cold as ice.
Not looking at Emily she moves her gaze to the sky, begging for God to just take her right now.
"I said take off your jacket! Now Alison."
She doesn't think she's ever heard Emily sound so menacing, it scares her. But she's still Alison, and she's defiant. Crossing her arms over her chest she meets Emily's eyes.
Thinking she's going to hold her ground she gasps at the tears brimming in the girl's eyes. The one thing she can't handle is seeing Emily cry.
This time when the girl asks the tone is softer, pleading, and as much as she doesn't want to she gives in.
Slowly Alison slides the jack from her shoulders and lets it fall to the ground.
The pale moonlight streams down on her and Emily can see the angry red lines the cover pale flesh. Dozens and dozens of cuts and it's like no pain Emily has ever felt before.
With a gasp she takes two steps closer, dropping to her knees in front of Alison. The brunette can't stop the tears from falling, and as the smaller girl stands frozen, all of her pain showing, she too begins to cry.
They stay like that; Alison standing and crying silently, Emily kneeling at her feet hunched over sobbing in her hands, for what feels like hours.
Finally Emily is able to lift her head and meet tear stained blue eyes.
"How long?"
The whisper is barely audible, but it rings in Alison's ears. She's overtaken with the urge to lie, but there is no use now.
Wiping the tears from her cheeks she answers in a hoarse, trembling voice.
"I started cutting back before I left Rosewood, after the first time 'A' threatened me. It was how I escaped, and how I punished myself for being someone I hated."
Emily lets out a little gasp, but she needs answers so she continues.
"All this time Ali? Why didn't you say something, we could've, I could've…"
The hurt in Emily's eyes sends pain through what's left of Alison's heart. She wants to turn and run away, but she can't, can't walk away from this girl she still loves with every broken piece of her soul.
"I stopped the day I pulled you out of that barn. Holding you in my arms again, I remembered I had something, someone to live for… I made a promise to myself that day, as long as I had you, even if was only a small part, I would fight."
Staring deep into Alison's eyes Emily can see the demons hidden there, the hurt, the fear, the self-loathing.
Blinking back more tears the brunette forces herself to ask the one question that has the capacity to break her.
"What changed?"
Looking into Emily's face, the blonde sees the utter devastation on the girl's features. A lie is on the tip of her tongue, she knows the truth would hurt the girl.
"The truth Ali…"
Hearing Emily call her 'Ali' again breaks her resolve, taking a breath she admits the truth.
"I lost my reason to live when you gave up on me."
The words are nothing more than a whisper. But they ring in Emily's ears as if Alison had screamed them at her.
And she breaks.
Knowing that she is the one that caused Alison to hurt herself again shatters her entire world.
Sobs rips through her body and she hugs herself tighter.
Watching Emily fall apart Alison drops to her knees and pulls the girl against her chest, holding onto her.
They cling tightly to each other, both crying, the air surrounding them thick with the truths of the night.
When Emily can't cry anymore she pulls away slightly, and caressing Alison's face she wipes away more tears.
She presses her lips to Ali's forehead.
"I'm sorry."
She moves to her cheeks, then her nose, then her lips. Peppering kisses all over her face, each with a whispered apology.
Carefully Emily takes Alison's right arm, and lightly runs her thumb along the mutilated flesh. Leaning down she kisses each self-inflicted wound. When she's finished she moves to the other arm, making sure to get every mark.
Her lips feel warm and soft against Alison's skin and her heart races at the tenderness of Emily's touch.
When Emily looks up into her eyes she sees the remorse and pain evident there.
This time it's her who brings her hand up to caress caramel skin.
When she runs her thumb along soft lips Emily kisses her fingertip.
"I'm so sorry Ali."
With a sad smile she leans in and presses their lips together softly.
"It's okay."
"No it isn't Ali, I made you feel like this, I made you hurt so badly that you had to hurt yourself to feel better… if I wouldn't have come out here tonight…"
Alison knows what she's trying to say. And she can't deny it; if Emily wouldn't have showed up she would've jumped.
Taking the girl's face firmly in her hands she looks into her eyes.
"None of this is your fault, I was awful, I hurt you, I don't deserve you. I understand that you don't love me anymore…"
Emily stops her mid-sentence.
"But I do love you Alison. Walking away from you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do…"
Her eyes widen, because did Emily really just say that?
"Wait… you, you love me?"
"More than anything else. I always have, and I always will."
Breathing in deeply Alison closes her eyes and whispers out a 'thank you' to a God she still doesn't quite believe in.
Opening her eyes she stares deep into Emily's.
"I love you too Emily. And I'm sorry for everything; I just don't know how to be the person you deserve. I'm a mess, I'm broken, I'm damaged…"
Giving her another soft kiss Emily leans their foreheads together.
"So am I. But it doesn't matter, none of it matter as long as we have each other. You're my reason to fight, let me be your reason to live…"
With that their lips meet again, tears rolling down Alison's cheeks. Things were still a mess, 'A' was still out there, everyone still wanted her dead, she still hated herself, she was still full of so many secrets and demons but with Emily by her side she's starting to realize that any amount of pain is worth it to be able to spend forever with the girl she loves.
"Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known. Take a broken girl, treat her like a princess, give her the best seats in the house. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. Tell her she's worth it. Tell her to write love on her arms." -Anonymous