Summary: When Naraku finally manages to trick Kagome, she
willingly lets Inuyasha go to Hell with Kikyou--or so she thinks.
When she discovers her mistake, she partners up with a woman she
thought was her enemy in order to bring him home again...
Rating:
T (13+) for language, blood/death/violence, and the occasional
perverted act from Miroku.
Disclaimer: Inuyasha and
its characters do not belong to me, but to Rumiko Takahashi.
Chapter 01: If You Love Someone, Let Them Go
"SHIPPOU, YOU SHOULD probably leave Kagome alone for awhile," Miroku suggested quietly, his voice barely above a thin whisper. The small demon looked up at Miroku sadly, his green eyes confused and discontent.
"Why?" Shippou responded, ignoring the hushed tones of his older companion and speaking loudly without shame.
"She's grieving," Sango answered on Miroku's behalf, looking away from the back of her younger female comrade as they all followed her along the forest trail. It was a warm, sunny Autumn afternoon--bright and clear. The leaves of the trees above were murmuring softly with animals and breeze.
Kagome pretended to enjoy the day while she ignored her friends' conversation. She admitted to herself that she did feel a little foolish now, but mostly she felt empty and sad and restless... all the emotions she sometimes wished wouldn't exist in her human spectrum. She had been feeling that way for nearly a week, when Inuyasha had simply vanished. Everyone he had left behind had feared for the worst--that he would be found dead, maimed, or broken beyond repair. Despite his strength, they all worried. Especially because Kagome had just known something was wrong. However, by several days later, they had found him--with Kikyou. Kagome's anger and subsided immediately when she had seen the look in his eye. It had seemed so strange that those two were ready to say farewell already, with still so much left undone.
"How... how could anyone hurt her like that?" Shippou asked honestly, innocently. He just could not understand.
Kagome went on remembering about the surreal pain--that sudden dash to the heart that lanced through her body like poison when she realized that he was waiting for her, ready to say farewell to her. So she had smiled sadly, bravely, at Inuyasha's guilty face as he had told her all there was to tell, that he was going with Kikyou now and that they were relying on them to finish their task. She could recall the way her friends had all stood behind her, angry and upset, crying and staring and with pursed lips. Before them, as if it had been a task set aside for her and for her alone, she had answered with her own good bye.
A single tear had fallen from her cheek as she said, "It's OK, Inuyasha. If with Kikyou is where you're happy, that's where I want you to be. Even though it hurts, it would hurt me more to keep you away from whatever makes you happy. We'll be OK without you. We'll reform the Jewel without you."
"I would never hurt Kagome like that!" Shippou proclaimed loudly and boldly, his eyes flaring. "He's so mean!"
She had gone on to say, "Whatever makes you feel at peace... please, all I want to do is tell you something."
"It's amazing. How could he have turned down such a pure-hearted woman?" Miroku asked, shaking his head mournfully and with an obvious look of disbelief overtaking his reserved features.
"Even I cried... for him. If I had been him, I would've been so ashamed of myself I would never be able to look her in the face again. Who could have ignored such words?" Sango added with a smoldering glare directed at the ground.
She had told him, "I want you to follow your heart, and I hope that where ever you go next... even if death... it is full of the happiness and the peace you deserve, for making me so happy during life..."
"An idiot could have!" Shippou answered as he began to wail. He missed Inuyasha, but it was easier to blame him than it was to think about the loss.
"An idiot indeed. He had better be making her sacrifice worthwhile, where ever he is now," Miroku warned.
"And if you ever need me, I always want you to know... that you can come back to me, even if from Hell, and I will never, ever turn you away."
"Oh, he better be!" Sango threatened. "Or else I might just bring him back to life and kill him myself."
"And I want you to know that I love you... I love you so, so much... so please forgive me if I have to cry."
"If I could, I would hurt him right now!" Shippou declared as he continued to cry.
"It's OK, everyone. It's better this way, isn't it?" Kagome finally said to her companions. "If this is what he wants, then it's what I want--it's what we should all want."
"But it's eating you up inside!" Sango shouted at her. Kagome recoiled slightly while Shippou began to calm again, still sniffling.
"It's OK," Kagome repeated after some time, watching the ground. "I could never live with myself if I had been the one to hold him back. Anyway, haven't you heard that saying..."
"But please, even if I do cry, or if I don't, please don't say good bye to me."
"What saying, Lady Kagome?" Miroku pressed as Kagome began growing silent again.
"That if you love someone, let that person go..." Kagome answered quietly, remembering that pleading look in Inuyasha's eyes, as if he would break with her words. Kikyou next to him had been stoic and reserved.
"Please, instead, just smile for me once, just a real smile... and let me know you're really happy now."
"And... if he comes back to you, it's meant to be."
"That's all well and good, Kagome, but look at where he has left us," Sango began. "Looking at it practically, isn't it unnerving that he would leave without first destroying Naraku? That he wouldn't finish piecing the Jewel together? Just look at how he left us."
"He was tired. Aren't you? It's alright, everyone. We can manage. We'll manage, we always manage."
"After he promised to protect you? After he has left us like this? Kagome..." Sango trailed off as Kagome's head dipped down further.
"It is strange, I know," she said, her voice fragile and tiny. "But maybe it's time to just let it go, to let him rest." She wanted to add, even if it hurts me more than anything. The smile that had followed her request, his last smile, had nearly broken her heart, but she returned it as the darkness of the earth began swallowing he and Kikyou.
"You're not leaving us for good, right, Kagome?" Shippou asked, suddenly worried. He had started to realize the way Kagome had been moving since they had let Inuyasha go--she had been moving like she was old and worn, like she was about to find sleep and never wake up from it.
"No," Kagome said. "I won't leave you. Not for a long, long time, Shippou." She tried to keep her voice from sounding too tired, even as she thought how nice it would be to rest, too.
"Let us make camp here for tonight," Miroku finally said, using his staff to point out a clearing in the wood. It was earlier than they normally stopped, but Inuyasha wasn't with them to disagree, so they unpacked and started a fire and watched it glow with a sort of reservation born of exhaustion. Kagome watched the stars through the swaying branches, as distant and cold as she felt, and imagined a place where she didn't feel so alone.
Kagome told herself to think of the bad things she would no longer miss now that Inuyasha was gone, but she could find nothing. Even the things that bothered her or hurt her feelings, she would miss only because they had been reminders that he was still by her side.
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"I'M HOME," KAGOME called out weakly as she entered her house two evenings later. Slowly and without her usual energy, she slipped her shoes off and stood still against the foyer wall. She was at sudden loss of what to do, as if she hadn't stepped foot in her house for so long that she had forgotten where she was. The happy calls of her mother, brother, and grandfather wafted in to wrap around her, gentle and the same as always, but she felt so far away from them, their warm welcomes only accenting their distance.
She told herself she would go up to her room, take a hot bath, and then get some studying done. Those plans changed into taking a nap. But she didn't want to do that, either--in doing any of those things, she would expect to look out her window and see Inuyasha there, scowling and ready to take her back to the feudal ages. Or to be looking over her shoulder with curiosity at her modern marvels. Or to be fumbling for a proper reason to drag her back with him when she clearly explained why she needed to be at home.
Without even that to look forward to...
Without his gruff attitude or his small blushes...
His frown or his warm hand holding hers...
His bumbling words or his loyal devotion...
Was it even worthwhile to return?
So instead of seeking out the pain and the reminder of her loss, instead of doing something more practical, she curled up on the chair closest to Souta in front of the television and watched a cartoon program without really paying attention. She tried to take comfort in the familiarity of the warm room around her; the common and ordinary television, the safety found only in her home. Her family did not question her sorrow.
From time to time, her mother sent her a curious glance but was answered with Kagome's profile looking tired and maybe upset. Kagome did not return her mother's glances, afraid that she might find something there to make the surreal pain of loss become suddenly true. She had not openly mourned with tears yet.
Later in the night, when she finally forced herself to find her bed, with the gentle tapping of falling November leaves against her window, she thought of nothing at all. She just watched the leaves, black and gray in the half-moon light, as they softly drifted to the ground below. The moon glowed pale silver through the branches, but the stars crowning it were too faint to see because of the city lights. She curled up tightly in a ball as the tree's branches clipped the window in a gust of unruly Autumn wind.
That tree seemed so empty now, without him crouching in the branches, looking in at her while she did her homework or slept soundly in her bed. And now, he would never perch up there again.
He would never carry her through the forests; the wind would never be her playful enemy, pulling her back as Inuyasha rushed faster than she thought she would ever go. She would never feel his hand again, his arms around her, his warmth.
She would never see him pout or worry or smile.
She would never see who he would have become after their journey was over, if he ever found peace and contentment.
He would never watch over her from those tree branches, or of any he had perched in during the past, as he had done for every night of the past three years of her life.
She would never hear his heart beat when he held her close to him when she was too weak to walk on her own...
Her love for him would grow old and crumble in her heart, but it would always be there--filling her up--even if as ashes. And maybe she would never feel whole again.
For the first time in three years, she was afraid. And then she cried.
She cried loudly and wept like she was broken. She lost herself in the ocean taste and the burning flame in the back of her throat, the heat in her eyes. She wished it was healing, but it was nothing more than an escape--a last plea that when she stopped everything would be alright and he would hold her.
"He's go-oh-ohnne, he's go-oh-ohnne," she whimpered, pressing her face against her pillow as tears seared her cheeks. She was swallowed up with loss, escaping in her tears, so she never heard her mother come in and collect her in her arms.
When no more tears would fall, she wept dryly for awhile, until her throat would no longer weep, and then she pulled away from her mother. She looked up into the older woman's warm blue eyes, needing the comfort and the understanding she found there. Her mother recognized that look--the searching, yearning, sorrowful look--because the same horrible emotions had consumed her years ago.
"It's OK, Kagome, my baby girl," her mother whispered to her, holding her daughter against her and stroking her hair. "Where ever he is now, I'm sure he's thinking of only you."
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"THAT WAS PERHAPS the most rewarding display I have seen for a long time." Naraku grinned at Kanna as Kagome's image disappeared from the enchanted mirror. Naraku seemed relaxed and joyful for the first time in many months. "It is challenging indeed to trick that girl. Try too hard and she sees right through it. Fail to try hard enough and it will not even scathe her spirit. It has been impossible to do for these past three years, for everything I tried. Ah, but I hit the mark this time... I sure hit the mark, this time." He chuckled. "Keep weeping, priestess," he said quietly. "It will do no good now."