Epically Quick Drabble, intended to ease the insanity i find myself lost in seeing as how Shonda has gone down the Mallie route. At least she looked like she regretted it.
She closes her eyes, her hands at her sides tensed like the rest of her body as she tries to block everything out, tries to forget the back and forth, the feeling of the weight above her and instead of stars she pictures angels. She holds back the tears that threaten to fall and the whimpers that threaten to betray her, they can be released at a later time right now she has to concentrate. She thinks of smiles and blonde hair and blue eyes, she thinks of dimples and wheelie sneaks and for a moment, she almost smiles. She hadn't meant for it to go this far, it had started simple, a kiss, they'd kissed before but she knew as his hand reached for the bottom of her shirt that this wasn't going to be an innocent peck that never graduated but what she hadn't expected, even in her drink fuelled haze was that she would be so easily led to this. She had tried to speak out, tried to tell him this wasn't what she wanted but who was she to make that decision, after all she thought she wanted more than anything to be with Arizona, but that didn't work out. She was done with doing what was right, now a little wouldn't hurt her… would it?
The moment she felt her back hitting his bed, she stopped. Her hands moved to a neutral position at her sides, and the only movements her mouth made was to mouth the silent prayer in Spanish that she would get through this. She never reciprocated as he kissed his way down her neck, his days old scruff itching at her soft sensitive skin making its way down to her breasts. She felt his hands gripping handfuls and she swallowed hard, scrunching her face up as she felt his hands move down her stomach to grip her thighs. As he pushed her legs apart she screamed inside, she shouted at herself to stop this before it all went too far but the voice inside that told her she deserved nothing better than this was paralysing, and so she lay there, choking back body wracking sobs as he groaned against her skin.
It was over before it began and she silently thanked god she didn't have to endure anymore, that she didn't have to feel his weight above her, or see his arms taut as he held himself above her, slamming into her at a needy pace. When he rolled to the side she felt her stomach churn, sitting upright she swung her legs out of the bed and ran for the bathroom not caring that he was left lying there in confusion all she cared about was relieving the wave of nausea that invaded her body. Opening the door to her bathroom she fell to her knees, bruising her shins on the cold hard tiles as she gripped the sides of the toilet in order to steady herself as her stomach turned once more and she began to heave. She tried to listen to the voices again but nothing was said, her head was deadly silent, all she could hear was the betraying thump of a heart that swore love to people who always left.
Shaking she sat down on the floor, one hand reaching for the box of tissues that sat on the shelf above her, pulling out a singular sheet and holding it to her face in an attempt at catching any of the tears that threatened to fall. She felt like shit, she felt worse than that but on some level she didn't feel at all. She hadn't meant for any of this to happen, she hadn't wanted to be with Mark in that way but a mixture of alcohol and self-deprecation had caused cloudy judgement and although she loved him, she wasn't in love with him. She had just wanted to feel something other than the numbness that had invaded her body not long after the soaring of a plane mixed with the forgotten goodbye she had silently pleaded to leave Arizonas mouth. She had wished for the numbness to fade, for feeling to rush back through her body, emotion to course through her veins and in the split second that she closed her eyes and thought about her actions, she prayed for the numbness to return.
Running a hand through her hair, the slightest hint of strawberry scent filled the her nostrils, washing over the nausea and replacing it with a fresh wash of tears that she was sure could clear away any sin, any sin but this. This was up there on a whole other level of wrong, but she had done it, it had been her idea and now she was dealing with the consequences. Her dreams would no longer be filled with the tender touches of the blondes hands as they roamed the expanse of her body, soft with adoration and respect. She would no longer wake to the hope that her dreams were reality and that the airport had been another flash of a life that could have been, no, all hope in that moment had truly gone.
Shakily getting to her feet she gripped the sink basin for support, lifting her head upright but being careful not to look in mirror… that was the last thing she needed to be confronted with right now. Those eyes, telling her how much she had fucked up, that disapproving glance telling her without words how she had lost respect for herself in one swift step towards him. She didn't need that right now, what she needed was the numbness, what she ached for were the better days and what she prayed for, as she walked towards the front door was that she could eventually move on and forget tonight, because sometimes we all want to feel, and sometimes, feeling is more than we can handle.
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