A/N: Third Eva Parody, this time our comatose pilot Asuka takes the stage. Enjoy!
A/A/N: I admit, I seen only Decade and Den-O (with bits of Kabuto and Kiva) but I read a parody of it using Persona 3: FES on the message boards at GameFAQs and I'm basing it off that. Otherwise just my usual mayhem.
Disclaimer: I don't own Eva or Kamen Rider (loosely).
Eva Rider Asuka
As usual Tokyo-3 felt normal. Then again at some point the universe wants to screw around with everyone. With the universe being a jerkass to everyone who knows what could happen and in this case…
At Misato's Apartment…
"Good news everyone!" said Ritsuko through forced enthusiasm.
"What is it this time?" said Shinji the Silencer.
"Our God must know!" said the cultists High Priest Kensuke, High Priest Toji, and High Priestess Hikari.
"If it's good news it must be bad." commented Misato.
"Through sheer science, the Marduk Institute, and something called the Necronomicon, I have successfully resurrected our poor Supreme Commander Gendo Ikari!" Ritsuko said through sheer forceful enthusiasm.
"You sound like as though you hate this." said Misato.
Ritsuko immediately sighed for dear life. "Dear God do I need a smoke." Opting instead for a cigar (Cuban) Ritsuko took a long draft from it.
"Cigars now?"
"I really need the tobacco as you gonna need the Yebisu gross case."
"Oh God, THAT BAD!!!"
"Hold on. You revived that bastard from the dead?" interjected Shinji.
"Not willingly. I got paid for doing it so why do I care?" said Ritsuko. Everyone else can't argue with that logic.
"This will not do. I must deal with this threat." New Double-Bladed Chainsaw in hand Rei went to hunt down the ex-late Gendo Ikari.
"Should we go after her?" asked Ritsuko.
"Hell no, last time we nearly lost the Yebisu when she gone crazy." said Misato.
"What she means is we're not stupid to get in her way." said Shinji.
"Our God says all!" said the cultists.
"Anyways knowing all this we should stay the hell out of her warpath."
"HALT EVILDOER!" yelled out an oddly familiar yet oddly masculine and justice-like voice. Everyone went outside and looked up on the rooftop to see the "newly resurrected" Asuka up and running. What's odd about her is how she's standing ramrod straight on top of a pole, arm crossed, and wearing a long red scarf that's flowing in the wind.
"Okay, what's new going on with her head?" said Shinji.
"Maybe she took a boot to the head too hard." said Misato.
"Don't look at me I didn't get paid to turn her into Kamen Rider." Ritsuko took a puff.
"HENSHIN!" Asuka in typical 80s tokusatsu style waved her arms around and transformed into a humanoid looking EVA-02 with a bug-like motif. "EVA JUMP!" Asuka jumps in the air and in a mid-air flip she performs a flying sidekick onto a mugger. "EVA KICK!"
"Dude, that was…" said High Priest Touji.
"COOL!!!" exclaimed High Priest Kensuke.
"And so the day is saved thanks to Eva Rider!" blared the announcer guy from nowhere.
Go! Eva Rider!
Fight! Eva Rider!
For Peace! Eva Rider!
Rider GO!
While the stooges (or at least Kensuke) began worshiping their new God and singing their version of a Kamen Rider theme song…
"Please Kami-sama, tell me what just happened?" Misato held her head in disbelief.
"Dunno, next time we stop watch Kamen Rider next to her." said Shinji.
"Kami-sama, we lost two high priests." said High Priestess Hikari.
"What is Hikari saying?" asked Shinji.
"You lost 2 of your High Priests of the Order of the Silencer cult Shinji." said Misato.
"I had a cult?"
"We were worshipping you and all mighty Kami-sama." said High Priestess Hikari.
"Seriously? I always thought you guys were stalkers."
"Is that what we were." despondently said Former High Priestess Hikari.
"Geez Shinji you sure know how to bring down a person without being macho." commented Misato.
"Good morning comrades!" yelled Asuka.
"Morning….uh…Asuka." said Misato.
"You're…looking…well." despondently said Hikari.
"As I said, I have nothing to do with this." said Ritsuko nonchantly.
"Yes, I have recovered nicely and during the coma I have decided to become a hero of justice!"
"Again, no more Kamen Rider next to her head." said Shinji.
"But Kamen Rider rocks!" commented Kensuke.
"Where is fellow comrade Ayanami?" asked Asuka.
"She went berserk looking for the ex-late Supreme Commander Gendo Ikari." said Ritsuko.
"She's gonna hack him again with her new double-bladed chainsaw." said Shinji.
"She must not do that! As a hero of justice I must show her the right path and prevent her from killing the commander." Asuka said heroically.
"You know, we're okay with Rei hacking the commander. At this point we're not surprised by anything she does." said Misato.
"If they pay me enough I can always whip out the Necronomicon." Ritsuko smoked another cigar.
"Let her kill him Asuka. I really don't give a damn about the bastard anyways. Plus he's a zombie." shrugged Shinji.
"NO! I MUST SPARE HER THE AGONY OF KILLING!!! HENSHIN!" Transforming into Eva Rider she hopped on, what apparently is hers, a motorcycle (red Kawasaki Z750RS Z2) and rode off towards the Tree Hugger.
"Let's go Touji, I don't want to miss this!" yelled Kensuke on a bike he hijacked.
"But I'm not interested!" yelled Touji while being grabbed from behind by his arm by a crazed Kensuke.
Silence before…
"Asuka can drive?"
"Seriously this is fucked up."
"No kidding. Can we drink to forget all this?"
"We're all going to Shinji."
Meanwhile…
"Gendo Ikari, you are by all means a menace to the living." threatened Rei with the chainsaw.
"Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh…" moaned the Zombie Gendo as "he" attempted to eat the "brain" of a dogu statue (Zombie Gendo is stupid).
"Err…Zombie Gendo…you must die."
"Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh…"
Translation: Zombie Gendo hungry!
"Now then…THIS LITTLE BLUE-HAIRED BITCH IS GONNA CARVE YA UP REAL GOOD!!!" Psycho Rei emerges.
"EVA KICK!" From out of nowhere Asuka dropkicked the Zombie Gendo and sent him flying elsewhere.
"I found you evildoer!"
"Sohryu-san, it is wise to stay clear of my path. Fail to do that and I will have no choice but to use her." Rei pointed to her chainsaw.
"I will not allow you to commit sin! The Supreme Commander is needed!" Eva Rider Asuka said, armed with a sword and gun.
"If you're gonna stand in my way then THIS TREE-HUGGING PSYCHO GONNA TEAR OPEN A NEW ASSHOLE FOR YA! GYAHAHAHAHA!!!" Psycho Rei laughed insanely.
With blade versus chainsaw Tokyo-3 will never be the same thrice thanks to the destructive fight of Eva Rider Asuka v. Tree Hugger Rei. Kensuke and Touji will never be the same because of monopolizing the fight on PPV. The other guys will never be the same because they're not important (to the particular one-shot) and plus they're dead drunk on Yebisu Premium gross pack combined with alcohol poisoning, except Misato who was born with Kami-sama's glorious liver.
Let's hope for Kami-sama that the Ninth Angel gets here. FAST.
A/N: Later cowboys…