.:A Karaoke Christmas:.
by Sprite Stalker
It was Christmas at Hogwarts once again. Professor Flitwick was hanging ornaments on the giant Christmas tree in the Great Hall, and Professor McGonagall had busied herself inspecting and, afterward, confiscating the Slytherins' "gifts" to the Gryffindors. Most everyone had gone home for the holidays. A thin layer of snow decorated the landscape, which had been there for the last week and didn't seem to be going anywhere soon. The snow that is, not the landscape. Though the landscape probably wasn't going anywhere either.
However, while the outside was breathtaking and beautiful, the inside of the castle was bustling with chaos and lunacy.
First, our journey takes us to the Gryffindor Common Room, where Fred and George Weasley had taken the liberty of setting up a giant karaoke machine, despite Hermione's insisting that it wouldn't work because all the magic in the air would screw up the wiring, and that it was against the rules anyway, and yadda yadda yadda. Finally, the twins had had enough.
"Yes, and you also insist that you can't Apparate or Disapparate on Hogwarts grounds, but how do you explain this?!" George exclaimed exasperatedly. He snapped his fingers, there was a loud pop, and - nothing happened. George glared daggers at Fred, who was laughing hysterically. "Shut up."
In the end, Fred and George got the karaoke machine hooked up, bewitched to repel all the magic that would cause static, though that is sort of contradictory in itself.
"Aha!" cried George, sticking his tongue out immaturely at a very frustrated Hermione. "See? It works just fine."
"We're still not allowed to hook up giant karaoke machines," she said stubbornly.
"Oh, yeah?" George replied, folding his arms in an oh-so-squealing-Kyree-worthy way. "And who's gonna tell on us?"
Suddenly a high-pitched … noise (there was no other word for it) issued from the back of the common room. The population of the Gryffindor common room gasped and covered their ears in pain. Then there was an echo-y tapping noise and Fred's voice boomed throughout the entire school.
"Greetings, my fellow students of magical learning! Are you all having a wonderful Christmas?" He didn't wait for anyone to respond. "Good! Now, to the point of this announcement… Are you exceptionally good at singing? Do you downright suck at it? Who cares! Head on down to the Gryffindor Common Room, where the Weasley twins and prefect Hermione Granger are holding a karaoke contest! Just ask Nearly-Headless Nick for directions! The password is 'divine fruitcake!'"
George motioned for Fred to cut it short as Professor McGonagall came storming into the common room, positively furious.
"There will be prizes as well; all houses welcome! Don't be late… gotta jet!" With that, he dropped the microphone (which squealed loudly again) and tore out of the room, with the professor close on his heels.
Ron chose that moment to wander down from his dorm, followed by Harry.
"What in hell's bells is going on, Hermione?" Ron asked his female comrade. "Did I just hear Fred say that you were hosting a karaoke party? As in, going along with one of their schemes?"
"I had nothing to do with it," she grumbled.
"Yeah, so Fred just said your name just to get you into trouble?" Ron scoffed. Hermione raised an eyebrow.
"That's exactly what he did."
Ron paused. "Oh."
All three were silent.
"So are you going to enter?" she asked hopefully.
I'm sure that had this been an anime show instead of a novel, Harry and Ron would have both sweatdropped heavily and executed lovely facefaults. Unfortunately - or fortunately, depending on how you want to look at it - this isn't an anime show, so both simply blinked and looked at each other in that typical the-girl-is-nuts fashion.
"Well?"
"Yeah, Herm," Ron said, to appease his girlfriend. "We're going to enter."
Harry nodded to confirm, and to rid himself of the death glare he was receiving from Hermione. Hermione smiled and pointed them in the direction of the karaoke machine, where George was fiddling with some dials, looking perplexed.
"What's wrong?" Harry asked.
"Well," replied George, "this is a Muggle karaoke machine… thus it only plays Muggle songs, and I can't get it to play any songs by people like Celestina Warbeck or the Three Kelpies."
"What?!" Ron cried. "But I love Celestina Warbeck!"
"Sucks to be you," George replied. He shrugged. "Sorry."
Just then, four Hufflepuff girls and two boys, all second-years, entered, looking around curiously.
"Wow," they all whispered.
One of the girls, the one with long red hair, looked at Harry.
"Where do we go to sign up?" she asked in a sugar-sweet voice, fluttering her eyelashes. Ron mimed gagging himself, but the girl didn't seem to notice.
"Uh… over there…" Harry pointed to the clipboard sitting near the karaoke machine. Next to the clipboard lay a packet listing the available songs.
She giggled. "Thanks!" She and her friends migrated over.
"Ugh," Ron groaned when they were out of earshot. "How can you stand that?"
"Well, when I don't have a girlfriend like you do, I have to," Harry replied.
"What happened to Malfoy?" Hermione asked curiously. "I thought you had a crush on h--"
"HERMIONE!" Harry hissed. "Care to announce it a little louder, so that maybe someone might hear and then my life would be over?!"
"Oh, sorry," she whispered.
"Besides," he added. "It's not exactly something I'm proud of."
Just then two Ravenclaw girls entered, peering around. One looked to be about third-year, and the other, fifth-year, the same as Harry and Co.
The older one walked up to Hermione. "Where do we go to sign up for th--"
Hermione interrupted her by pointing to the clipboard that George was supervising.
"Thanks," she said. She and her younger friend went over to the list of songs and began whispering and giggling and pointing.
Then the portrait hole burst open, and three familiar-looking Slytherins burst in. Draco Malfoy, with Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle, one on each side.
Oh, you so saw that coming.
"Hello, Potter," Malfoy said, sneering that oh-so-shpexay sneer.
"Hello, Malfoy," Harry replied dully. "Are you here for the karaoke competition?"
"Why, yes, in fact, I am," he said, sticking his nose in the air. "Mother always told me I had a lovely voice…"
Ron suddenly began hacking and coughing, trying not to laugh, and collapsed to the floor.
"Well… go over there, then…" He pointed to the karaoke machine, where the Hufflepuffs and the two Ravenclaws were sitting.
Just then, an older man staggered into the common room. He was tall, with pale skin, no hair, red eyes, and a flat, snake-like nose.
"Oh, no, Harry!" Hermione gasped. "It's You-Know-Who!"
"Run, we'll hold him off!" Ron cried, whipping out his wand.
As the Dark Lord loomed over them… he hiccupped loudly.
All three students paused. Harry leaned forward and inhaled.
"I smell alcohol…" he murmured. "Guys, I think he's drunk."
"Gotta champagne that love," Voldemort said gleefully, holding up a half-empty bottle of liquor.
"We have our first contestants!" George cried into the microphone. "First up, Melissa Teaword and Marshall Hammott, singing 'Who's Your Daddy,' by some American bloke called Toby Keith!"
Two of the Hufflepuffs (obviously, one guy and one girl, though the girl wasn't the red-haired one who had unsuccessfully attempted to flirt with Harry) nervously took the stage and held the bewitched microphones to their lips. Music began blaring loudly out of the speakers - so loudly that the whole school heard it… quite literally. The boy took a deep breath and began singing. He wasn't half-bad.
"Here you come, knockin' on my door baby, tell me what you got on your mind," he sang. Harry could tell he was nervous. "I guess those college boys all went home for the summertime…"
"And you're lookin' right, lookin' good, lookin' like a woman should… So why is it so hard to find a place to lay your pretty little head down once in a while…" the girl chimed in.
Harry tried to ignore the girl, whose voice was… well, let's just say that Harry would rather listen to Dudley singing in the shower. Voldemort, however, didn't seem to mind, as he leapt on-stage and began to do a ridiculous sort of disco.
"Who's your daddy, who's your baby, who's your buddy, yeah who's your friend," the two sang together while Voldemort danced in the background. "And who's the one guy, that you come runnin' to, when your love life, starts tumblin'… I got the money, you got the honey, let's cut a deal, let's make a plan… who's your daddy, who's your baby, who's your buddy, who's your… mmmman…"
Remus Lupin and Sirius Black chose that moment to enter, and immediately clapped their hands over their ears.
"What - in - God's - name - is - that - horrible - noise?" Sirius stammered, unknowingly referring to the girl's horrible voice.
"I don't know… I think it's that karaoke singer…" Remus replied, gesturing to the girl onstage.
"Well, whatever it is," Sirius shouted, "I think it has permanently damaged my eardrums…!"
Finally the song ended, and the two Hufflepuffs bowed and quickly scurried off-stage.
"Thank you, for that… lovely rendition of 'Who's Your Daddy,'" George said dryly, picking up one of the microphones. "Next up, we have…" He squinted at a piece of paper. "Ara Moon and Scrat McCartney, singing 'Man, I Feel Like a Woman,' by Shania Twain. Good luck, Ara and Scrat." He set the microphone back where it was while the two Ravenclaws scampered on-stage excitedly. George could be heard muttering, "What is it with people and country songs all of a sudden?" as he turned on the music.
"Let's go, girls," the two said, giggling.
"I'm going out tonight, I'm feeling all right, I'm gonna let it all hang out," the older blonde girl, Scrat, sang.
"Wanna make some noise, really raise my voice, yeah I wanna scream and shout," sang the younger Ravenclaw, obviously called Ara.
Ron and Hermione took a seat on the couch to watch the two girls. At least THEIR voices were bearable. Hermione sat next to Ron, leaning her head on his shoulder. Both their arms were entwined around each other's waists.
They're so cute
, Harry thought. Forget Valentine's Day - Christmas was the most romantic time of the year."No inhibitions, make no conditions, get a little outta line," the blonde Ravenclaw sang.
"I ain't gonna act, politically correct, I just wanna have a good time," Ara added.
"The best thing about being a woman…"
"…is the prerogative to have a little fun!"
"Oh, oh, oh!" the two practically shouted together. "Go totally crazy! Forget I'm a lady! Men's shirts, short skirts! Oh, oh, oh! Really go wild! Yeah, doin' it in style! Oh, oh, oh! Get in the action! Feel the attraction! Color my hair, do what I dare! I wanna be free and feel the way I feel… Man! I feel like a woman!"
Harry glanced up at Draco Malfoy, who was still poring over the list of songs. His eyes brightened and he began scribbling furiously away at the clipboard with a quill.
Looks like he found a song he likes…
Harry tore his eyes away from Ferret Boy and looked up to the stage, where the two Ravenclaw girls were having the times of their lives. Voldemort was still dancing drunkenly behind them, except this time, he seemed to have conjured a top hat and a cane, and was now dancing some sort of can-can thing.
Fred ran back across the stage from God-knows-where, still being pursued by a livid McGonagall. No one seemed to pay any attention to this.
"I get totally crazy, can you feel it, come come come on baby, I feel like a woman," the girls finished. They both fought the giggle-attack and ran offstage. But before George could grab the microphone again, Scrat ran back up and shouted into it, "MERRY CHRISTMAS, HOGWARTS!" George glared at her and she rushed offstage.
"Next, we have… Draco Malfoy--" George blinked oh-so-kawaii-ly. "…Singing 'Ain't No Mountain' by some old Muggle …"
Harry tried not to burst out laughing as Draco Malfoy, his archrival, took the stage while the music cued. Hermione and Ron, however, weren't so successful.
"DRACO MALFOY! BWAHAHA!" Ron roared.
Malfoy shot them each a death glare, and the laughter subsided, but only slightly.
"There ain't no mountain… there ain't no valley… that's gonna keep me from loving you…" Draco sang softly. Harry had to admit - Draco's mother was right; he did have a sweet voi-WHAT AM I SAYING?! Harry thought. "There ain't no valley, no there ain't nothing, that's gonna keep me away from you…"
Evidently, Ron and Hermione agreed with Harry on the fact that Draco wasn't a bad singer after all, because they both stood and began slow dancing. Remus and Sirius followed suit, in the back of the room so as not to call attention to themselves.
"Awww," Harry murmured teasingly as they passed. Ron glared at him, but Hermione giggled. Harry looked back up at the blonde Slytherin on-stage. Even his goons were laughing at him, but he didn't seem to care. A moment passed, and Harry realized that Draco was looking straight at him as he sang.
"Ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no valley low enough, ain't no river wide enough baby, if you need me, call," Draco sang, his voice echoing clearly across the castle. "No matter where you are, no matter how far, just call my name, I'll be there in a hurry, you don't have to worry… worry…"
Harry blinked. Could Draco Malfoy be singing this to him?
Now, what happened next, Harry could not have been prepared for in a million years, even if Ron held up a big honking neon sign describing what was going to happen in detail.
Voldemort pranced over and swept The Boy Who Lived off his feet, dragging him off in a clumsy sort of waltz.
Unfortunately for poor Harry, no one noticed this.
"Ha ha ha, Harry," Voldemort giggled in his drunken stupor as he danced. "I'm gonna kill you… hahaha…" He pulled out his wand and whacked Harry on the head a few times, but uttered no incantation of any sort. "Hahahahaha… you're dead… hahaha."
"Yes… yes, I am," Harry said dully, humoring him. He glanced over at his friends and caught Ron's eye. "HELP," he mouthed.
"Pardon me while I save our buddy, Hermione dearest," Ron said. He went over to the Dark Lord and tapped him on the shoulder. "May I cut in?"
Voldemort stopped dancing, set Harry down, and bowed.
"Of course." He stepped away and began dancing with an invisible lady.
"Thanks a mil, Ron," Harry breathed. "I owe you one…"
"No shit, you do," Ron snapped playfully. "You just cost me ten whole seconds of valuable time that I could've spent dancing with Hermione!"
Harry rolled his eyes, but couldn't help smiling a little. He took a seat in the big leather armchair and continued watching Malfoy. The song was almost over, but the Slytherin boy's eyes were still trained on Harry. Harry felt his spine tingle at the thought of Draco - MALFOY, he forced himself to think - just inches away from him, their lips almost touching - stop it, Potter, he told himself.
The song ended, and, before he exited the stage, Draco said, "That was for my beloved… the Boy Who Lived."
The whole school (quite literally, if you remember how loud the sound system is) gasped. Harry practically passed out. Hermione and Ron were both gaping, open-mouthed, at the Slytherin who had been the cause of much pain and discomfort for the last four-and-a-half years. Draco didn't seem to mind any of this. He merely winked at Harry, smirked at Granger and Weasley, and hopped off-stage.
"Well… thank you for that," George said meekly.
To lighten the moment, Fred came tearing back across the stage in the opposite direction from before, still being hounded by a irate Transfiguration professor.
"And finally, we have Gregory Goyle and Vincent Crabbe, singing…" George paused, wondering if it was even worth it.
"Sally the Camel."
"Yeah!" Crabbe and Goyle cheered stupidly as they took the stage. George sighed and cued the music.
"Sally the Camel had… FIVE humps!" they chanted, holding up five fingers. "Sally the Camel had… FIVE humps! Sally the Camel had… FIVE humps, so ride, Sally ride, boom boom boom boom…"
And on it went, repeating itself five more times, and each time, Sally's number of humps dwindled, until…
"Sally the Camel had… NO humps, because Sally is a horse, of course!"
They both laughed stupidly while their audience applauded dully. Except for our intoxicated Voldemort, who, of course, thought it was pure brilliance.
"Thank you for that lovely rendition of Sally the Camel," George said as Fred leapt on-stage and jumped on top of the large karaoke machine. Professor McGonagall appeared not long afterward and began trying to climb the machine in attempt to catch the red-haired practical joker. No one seemed to notice this, either. "Next, we have Remus Lupin and Sirius Black--"
Several people gasped, except for Harry and his friends, and the two Ravenclaw girls.
"-singing 'I Got You, Babe,' by those two really old Muggles… Sonny and Wotsherface…"
"Thank you, George," Remus said as he took the microphone. "We'll take it from here." Sirius picked up the other microphone and George turned on the music.
"They say we're young and we don't know, won't find out until we grow," sang Remus.
"Well I don't know if all that's true, 'cause you got me, and baby, I got you," Sirius added.
Then Voldemort leapt on-stage and joined in, sharing Sirius' microphone.
"Babe… I got you babe… I got you babe…" all three sang. Remus and Sirius didn't seem to mind the extra singer. In fact, it was evident that they were both trying not to laugh. "I got you to hold my hand, I got you to understand…"
The song ended a minute or two later, and Remus Sirius exited the stage, grinning at each other. Harry turned to Ron and Hermione and poked at them.
"Are you two going to sing anything?"
"I'm trying to talk Ron into it," Hermione replied. "But he won't listen to me."
"I had bad experiences with singing when I was little," explained Ron stubbornly. He paused for a moment, obviously recalling displeasing memories. He shuddered.
"Oh, come on, Ronniekins," Hermione said, pouting. She gave him her best puppy dog eyes. Ron groaned.
"Oh, all right…"
"Oh, thank you!" She planted a kiss on the end of his nose and rushed up to the front to find a song to sing.
"I so hate you right now," Ron muttered to Harry.
"Merry Christmas, Ron," Harry replied jovially as Ron reluctantly followed his girlfriend.
A squeal from behind the karaoke machine signified that Hermione had found a song to sing.
"Ugh, no," Ron said loudly. "If you're going to make me sing in front of people, then I get to choose the song."
Moments later, Hermione and Ron were onstage, staring at the crowd while the opening measures played. Hermione was looking around happily, while Ron was nervously toying with microphone and wiping the sweat off his brow. Hermione sang the opening oh's. Finally, Ron began.
"Everybody was Kung Fu fighting, those kids were fast as lightning, in fact it was a little bit frightening, but they fought with expert timing," he sang, his voice cracking once or twice.
Harry was too busy laughing - not at Ron's ability (or, more to the point, inability) to sing, but at his choice of music - to pay any attention to the rest of the song.
When they finished, Ron stomped over to Harry, glowering.
"Okay, Potter," he snapped, turning even redder. "Your turn."
"My turn?" Harry gulped.
"You heard me," Ron muttered. "Your t--"
Luckily, George picked up the microphone. Fred whizzed past again, still being trailed by the Gryffindor Head of House.
"All right, the contest is now over," he announced.
Harry stuck his tongue out immaturely at Ron. Ron rolled his eyes and wrapped his arm tighter around Hermione.
"And, the winners are…" He paused for effect. "Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and the Dark Lord, singing that one stupid song!"
Sirius and Remus looked at each other, grinning madly. They wandered up onstage, followed by Lord Voldemort.
"I just wanna thank--"
"Oh, shut it, Riddle," Sirius interrupted, grabbing the microphone from him. "What do we win?"
"A lifetime's supply of Canary Creams!" George announced happily, handing Remus a heavy burlap bag. Remus almost collapsed under the weight.
"Um…" Remus said, swaggering back and forth across the stage as he tried to balance himself. "Thank you…" Sirius guided him off-stage. Lord Voldemort pranced after them, wearing a pink tutu that he had magically conjured.
"And our runner-ups are… Ara Moon and Scrat McCartney, with their rendition of 'Man! I Feel Like a Woman!' Congratulations, girls, you each get a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans." He tossed two small red bags of jellybeans to the two Ravenclaw girls.
"Merry Christmas!" Fred shouted as he sprinted past again.
"I'LL SHOW YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS, FRED WEASLEY!" screamed McGonagall.
"GRASS!" shouted the blonde Ravenclaw girl, popping a green Every Flavor Bean into her mouth. "Yum." The other Ravenclaw girl rolled her eyes and threw a sardine-flavored Bean at her friend.
"Make happy," she instructed.
.:Merry Christmas, Ara Moon:.
[and I love you too, Kyree]