LETTING GO
by Caz
Rated K
Disclaimer is in force, so let me be!
I watched him from across the room. The natural illumination from the stars outside threw a shadow from his still, silent form and even his darker duplicate could not hide the grief. Tony was hurting and I had never felt more powerless or as useless as I did right then.
Had it really been been barely twenty four hours ago that had sent my Tony from the happy-go-lucky joker to the solitary man across from me now with his seemingly own personal black cloud hovering over his head?
But what could I do? He had asked to be left alone and that was unusual. Normally he would have been the first one to have pushed into your misery and forced you to talk to him; Forced them to release the dam of tears that could eat you alive and then force his arms around you until you gave in to the comfort that he so selflessly offered until you had no choice but to feel and accept that what Tony was offering was better than the living nightmare that you were trapped in.
I know, I have been in that position more than once, and he was there, Tony was always there, pushing me, talking to me, comforting me. Loving me, even.
Expelling the frustrating breath, I looked around the bar noticing that it was unusually quiet. But when my eyes settled back onto the solitary figure that continued to stare blankly out of the window, I understood why. Tony's grief was so intense, so obvious, that an ache that wasn't even yours settled into your own heart, like you were mourning along with him.
But I am determined that I am going to be here for him, whatever happens or however many times he tries to push me away. I'm not going anywhere and I know, in time, he will need me and I'll be right there, waiting with open arms.
I settled myself on a stool by the bar where I could see him and if he wanted to, he could see me, too. I can feel Tony's pain, it washes over me as clearly as his laughter had not so long ago. I ache to hear that laughter again, but first, I've got to hear his tears, and I know they are in there, slowly building, getting ready to fall. But I want him to know that I have a shoulder that's big enough to hold those tears and arms to hold him tight while they do fall. And love? yes, I have enough love to get past this and beyond...if that's what he wants.
But if he doesn't, then that's okay, too. First and foremost, Tony's my friend and I'm here for him.
I watched his shoulders raise slightly as he senses my closeness and as his head turned towards me, I had to catch the sob that rose to my throat as my eyes searched his. A solitary teardrop hung from his sooty lashes and his chin trembled as he struggled to hold onto his grief.
It was time and I slowly moved closer, quietly sliding my body into the cosy booth. I reach out and gently touch his shoulder, my whisper husky, low, for his ears only.
"Let it go, Tony"
Moments later as Tony released his first heart-breaking sob, I was there within his arms, doing the only thing that I could do, offered my shoulder to my friend, and one day, my love.