If Loras wanted to say something, it would have to be soon, but all he knew for certain was that time was running out.
"Forget-Me-Not"
It did not take long for Loras to realize that knighthood brought more than a new title and his own squire. Yes, there was the admiration, and the respect, and the fame that was already starting to follow him. But there was also a feeling of anxiousness that he could not shake. It was not being a knight that worried him, but instead it was not being a squire – or rather, not being Renly's squire, that weighted so heavily on his heart.
The past three years had been the best of his life. A fast friendship had grown between he and Renly, and then something more, on Loras' side at least. Loras was not even sure when the change had happened. Before, his dreams had been only of knighthood and glory, but Renly's smile came to mean just as much and he found himself looking to Renly the same way a flower turned its face towards the sun. Even when Loras rose to his feet as ser for the first time, Renly's face was the first he looked for in the crowded Highgarden sept. The ceremony was not without its own twinge of sadness, however. Loras had realized his dream of attaining his knighthood, but still, he did not have Renly.
Though sometimes he thought he saw the same look of longing reflected back at him in Renly's eyes, it would slip away as quickly as it appeared, leaving Loras wondering if he'd only imagined it. Such feelings weren't exactly commonplace. It was not in Loras' nature to hesitate, but he knew what he risked here. The thought of Renly's easy smile turned to disgust was too much to bear. He valued their time together too much, so no matter how much more he wanted, he would not risk it for that.
But things we rapidly changing. With Loras knighted and Renly returning to King's Landing within the week, soon they'd be parted whether Loras confessed his feelings or not. If he wanted to say something, it would have to be soon, but all Loras knew for certain was that time was running out.
He could not find it in himself to be excited for his first tournament as a knight. He was dressed in shining new armor, his new horse was among the finest Willas had bred, and any moment now his first tilt would be called, but all Loras could think of was that this might be one of the last times he spent alone with Renly. He shot a look at the lounging figure in the corner of his tent.
"You said I could still be the one to dress you in your armor, even when I was knighted. But how can I do that, if you don't compete?" Loras said.
Renly watched him with an air of complete leisure, sprawled over a slung camp chair as comfortably as if he'd been relaxing in his own rooms. He was dressed in blue silk today, layers of azure and cerulean, and his hair was tied back in a matching ribbon. He was so handsome it was almost unbearable, and Loras could not help but feel a little jealous that anyone else got to see Renly like this.
"This is one tournament. There will be others," Renly said with a noncommittal shrug.
"And you'll joust in those?"
"Some."
Loras tried not to sigh. Their agreement had pleased him when it was made but now he could see the futility of it. Renly had always preferred the gallery rather than the field. His return to King's Landing compounded the problem even further. Loras could follow, if he wanted, and offer himself into the King's service. But should he do it just for this? He'd be a love-sick fool to take up in that city if a rare chance to dress Renly was all he had to hope for. His pride would not allow it, though his heart made him want to chase every last chance he had to be near Renly.
Renly smiled hearteningly at Loras' troubled look. "Don't look so put out. This is my holiday. I didn't come to Highgarden to wear myself out on the tourney fields."
"I just don't wants us to drift apart."
"I would not worry about that," Renly said. He rose and drew near, laying his hand on Loras' shoulder and smiling at him. "Even if you don't – ah, you don't return to King's Landing with me, we'll always be friends. Time apart won't change that."
"I know," Loras agreed.
"And you shouldn't worry about these things right before you joust, anyway. You'll throw your concentration."
"Are you really giving me sporting advice?"
Renly laughed. "I know a few things. Like that you need to be on the field to joust - I suppose I should leave you to go find your squire and horse." Loras could not hide his disappointed look, and Renly nudged him encouragingly. "Smile a bit. The women in the crowd will appreciate it."
He did not know what came over him, but the words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself.
"I don't care about them."
It was a very uncharacteristic sentiment and even Loras thought it sounded odd. He spent countless hours perfecting his smile to make the ladies swoon and basking in their admiration, but their adoring looks just couldn't compare to Renly's smile, like the one that was on his face now. Nothing made him feel that way.
"Then how about, 'Smile for me. I'll appreciate it'?"
Loras' heart warmed to hear that, and he finally smiled up at Renly. "There it is," Renly said appreciatively. He gave Loras' shoulder one last friendly squeeze and turned to leave.
Loras knew that this chance might never come again. Renly was almost to the door when Loras finally spoke.
"Will you give me your favor to wear today?"
Renly stopped, ducked halfway to leave the tent, and slowly turned back to look at Loras. His smile had turned nervous and a flush stained his cheeks.
"One does not normally ask a friend for his favor," he said.
"I'm not asking you as a friend," Loras answered.
The flush deepened and Renly only watched him curiously, as if he understood the words but did not quite believe them. Loras forced himself to hold Renly's gaze. Whether Renly obliged his request or not, Loras had made his true feelings known. He would not deny the truth of them.
After what felt like a lifetime, Renly stepped closer and his hands came up to remove the silver chain from around his neck.
"For you, ser," he said, holding out the necklace for Loras to take. It matched the colors of his clothing perfectly and a pendant stone of the purest forget-me-not blue hung at the end of it.
Loras' heart was thrumming but his hand did not shake as he accepted the favor. He slipped the necklace on beneath his breastplate, so it hung over his heart. Its weight was satisfying and he thought he could feel the lingering heat from Renly's body even through the thick padding beneath his armor.
"If I win, perhaps you'll give me more than this?" Loras continued, emboldened by the wondrous look on Renly's face.
"Favors, I will give you plenty. But you do not mean favors, do you?"
Determinedly, Loras shook his head.
Renly's face went even redder, but he nodded in agreement. "Very well. If you should win, then – I think we should have a talk that I've wanted to have for a long time."
The true smile on his face was everything Loras cared for, and Loras found himself smiling back with the same joy. Renly clasped Loras' shoulder again, just as affectionate as before, though this time his fingers brushed Loras' neck beneath the gorget and along the links of the silver chain.
"Luck," he said, and then he was gone.
Once Loras was on the field, the cheers of the crowd were like nothing compared to the reassuring clink of the pendant around his neck. It beat against his breastplate as his horse thundered up and down the lists, ringing loud like his beating heart.
Loras rode better than he ever had before, charging down opponent after opponent as he was spurred on by Renly's promise. The final round was upon him at last, and Loras put the point of his lance in just the right place to send Ser Emmon Cuy crashing into the dirt. As the crowd erupted in cheers for the victor, Loras raised his visor and brought his horse around to wave to his family. But there was only one person he was looking for among the lords and ladies in the gallery, and he searched until his gaze fell upon Renly's grinning face, beaming back at him and looking like he'd won the greatest prize of all.